To be really shocked at this behaviour in a 12 year old.

[Quiddichcup]

My daughter knows someone at school, maybe just 12, possibly 11.

We are aware she self harms and I contacted the school out of safeguarding concerns when dd came home from school and told me..dd was shocked and worried and had a few sleepless nights over it..

Dd is back from her dad's and has shown me a text this girl sent her about attempting to comitt suicide. Dd didn't reply and is really shaken up. I have emailed the safeguarding lead at the school.

11/ 12 is so young, I'm really struggling to get my head around it and it's not something I think dd should be exposed to, it's not something anyone should have to deal with, but 11/ 12 year olds?

Most of the year gave each other's numbers/ Insta etc.

The drama/ gossip was just that dd isn't in to that sort of thing so didn't want to be friends with her. It's nothing other than a comment over dd trying to stay out of her way before this came to light, not because of it.

Dd is allowed to make choices over who she does and doesn't like, isn't she.

She hasn't done anything wrong and isn't responsible for this. Neither am I.

OP, you must be so proud that your daughter is so caring and has done the right thing - she's obviously someone who cares. It's a great skill for life. It sounds like you are there to give her every support. It's very scary, but there are lots of children out there suffering in ways we can't even think about.

Dd1 was older when she actively prevented a friend taking his life. I hope if it was my child, someone as caring as your daughter would speak out, even if they weren't friends.

Well done to your daughter for being supportive and sensible.

Unfortunately, as others have said 10 anď upwards it isn't uncommon for this. I have worked with too many children who are going through this and unfortunately it's unlikely to be the only child going through this your dd meets in school.

It sounds like you have done all the right things, here's hoping the schools nd other agencies can support this further. X

It is shocking, but sadly there are many young people who self harm.
Some schools provide very good information covering mental health issues for young people and encourage pupils to talk about it, but this can be patchy.
It's great that your DD has opened up to you and means she isn't carrying the burden of knowing about this on her own.
I'd suggest that you look at the ChildLine website as it has lots of information on this topic.
It really helps as a parent to have a greater understanding of self harm and would help you support your DD.
Although this girl isn't a close friend of your DD, she deserves support and understanding and your DD has absolutely done the right thing by telling someone who can hopefully offer her that support.

Dd is amazing.

She did get the girl to talk to a teacher and set it up with the teacher, staying with her for reassurance.

She's tried to keep a friendly distance since but this poor girl hasn't always been all that nice to her and has been pretty hurtful just before easter.

Dd did the right thing by telling me but she didn't respond to the girls message about suicide. She isn't equipt to. She's just a child herself.

Well I mean its shocking whatever the age but its quite naive of you to be shocked that children and preteens can have mental health issues or can just be so unhappy that they resort to self harming or suicide, with the amount of children being abused or bullied.

OP,
Protect your DD at all costs, block the other girls number.

Your DD does not need to be sucked into this "world".

You've done the right thing reporting it to the appropriate services.

I've reported to the school, I haven't ignored it.

Dd knows I have contacted the safe guarding lead and I will let her know the outcome. I've told her she has done the right thing and grown ups will help the girl.

She doesn't have to do more than be herself. If she doesn't want to be friends with this girl then she doesn't have to and she doesn't need to explain herself.

We talk about mental health and dds is just as important as this other poor girls so dd has to do what is right for her.

8I'm not judging the child who is saying this. I'm utterly horrified that a child so young can feel like this and don't really understand.

Sorry--I didn't mean to post that. ^^

I'm not judging the child who is saying this. I'm utterly horrified that a child so young can feel like this and don't really understand.

It's awful, isn't it? But it does happen, and for the worst reasons.

When I was 11 I was so depressed that I felt suicidal. I got no helpthe opposite, actuallyand if I'd had access to the internet (this was 40 years ago) I might have found a way to act on those feelings. I had awful parents, a very difficult childhood, and school dealt with stuff by telling me to shape up and sort myself out.

All you can do is report this to people who might be able to help, OP. And support your child, who is probably reeling from all this.

I made a suicide attempt at 12-ish. It was particularly inept, but the intention was there. I suspect this level of distress among pre-teens is commoner than we think.

@NeverSurrender 🌹
I'm in your shoes and know how frightening and lonely it is. I'm glad you have help.

Which is what I have done.

When j reported it the first time I had no response from the school at all. I contacted the firm tutor. That is why we took it upon herself to do something.

I thought maybe he acted and just never got back to me, maybe. I hope that's what happened.

I think it's fairly well known this poor girl does this so I am sure the school knew already, but I did report on just in case and in hope it might lead to help.

Anyway. Dd is tucked up in bed..shes ok. I think she's probably not grasped quite the severity of the whole thing, again she's a child herself. But she did tell me as soon as she could and I have acted..

I am shocked by it. I'm probably naieve, yes. Or even sheltered but it's something I would hope no child has to experience.

Poor girl. Yes. It is really young. You’ve absolutely done the right thing imo. We hear about this age of children on the news. But to happen irl on your doorstep is shocking. I also agree your dd has to do what’s right for her.

OnTheRise
Same here. I didn’t feel suicidal. More numb and like I didn’t want to be there. No one noticed. I also had shit parenting. The internet is such a blessing and yet such a curse. I can imagine I may well have self harmed if I knew what it was. I used to dig my nails hard into my palms. And by mid teens I was bashing my head on the floor because the thoughts were too much.

Just out of pure interest and not in any form of judgement, would you be more comfortable with your daughter being friends with this girl if she had an eating disorder rather than self harming?

My brother tried to kill himself when he was 12, in 1988. It’s not a new thing.

I am so sorry for anyone who had experienced this in any way.

It's awful to think of adults suffering and worse to think of children in the same situation.

I can't help but be shocked by it. But I wouldn't like it to be common that i wasn't shocked.

My daughter was not friends with her before this. She is someone she is in a class or 2 with.

She doesn't like her much and the girl has been nasty to her. From that point of view I am glad dd isn't friends with her because I have taught dd that you can be friends or not friends with whomever you like for what ever reason and if someone is nasty to you then you don't have to hang about for more of the same.

She is 12 so I'm not sure why this is such a big deal.

I do not get involved with friend ships, dd is free to make her own choices, i trust her judgement.

I haven't said anything about not letting her be friends or anything like that so I am unsure as to why I'm getting a kicking over this?

They weren't friends. Dd has tried to help when the girl has reached out. They will continue to be not friends.

What's the issue?

Twelve year olds are people.

People get depressed, get mental illnesses, try to deal with them in all sorts of ways.

Life deals some hard blows.

I wasn't trying to make a judgement like I said. I'm only interested because I think eating disorders get a lot more press than self-harming.
That may have even been why you were so shocked by it.

Just trying to raise a wider issue that possibly self harming has a certain stigma which is why its not reported in the press like other issues such as eating disorders.

Your daughter should in no way feel responsible for this girl and I'm not trying to suggest she should. It wasn't a personal attack but I can see how you might think it was and for that I apologise.

(from someone who starting self-harming at 13)

@Quiddichcup

I'm so glad your daughter told you, and you told the school.

When I was a little older than her one of my friends was self-harming and only me and her other close friends knew. We didn't have anyone at school who was obvious to go to (it was a maaany years ago - before safeguarding leads and counsellors), and were terrified that if we told her parents it might make it worse or she would get in trouble or be locked up. Children really aren't equipped to deal with this, so I appreciate you don't want your dd exposed to it so young. But she has you to support her and that's so important, and it's important that you've explained why some people are troubled, and why they might do this.

(my friend eventually told her parents herself, and got help, but I wish we'd known what to do at the time)

Quiddichcup, your DD is a . You are a really great spokesperson and advocate for her. Her mental and emotional health really is important. She does not have to get involved here any more than she is comfortable.

You should be so proud of her, and the two of you clearly have a good, open, trusting relationship. She has done all she could and more here.

Thislittlepiggy - my reading of the friendship situation is that the girl who is self harming creates drama and engages in gossip, and that the OP's DD does not feel comfortable with someone who engages in that sort of behaviour, which many 12 year olds are prone to. Not that the OP's DD has shunned this girl because of her self harming. The OP's DD accompanied the girl to talk to the teacher despite some poor treatment of the DD in the recent past. She is being supportive, She does not have to be besties with her.

The lack of friendship between the DD and the girl who self harms is not about steering clear because of the MH issues. It is about steering clear because of the stress that can result from friendship with someone who causes drama.

I am sure there are many MNers whose 11/12/13 yo daughters have a child or a little clique in their year group that they steer clear of for exactly that reason.

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