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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really shocked at this behaviour in a 12 year old.

235 replies

Quiddichcup · 15/04/2018 19:34

My daughter knows someone at school, maybe just 12, possibly 11.

We are aware she self harms and I contacted the school out of safeguarding concerns when dd came home from school and told me..dd was shocked and worried and had a few sleepless nights over it..

Dd is back from her dad's and has shown me a text this girl sent her about attempting to comitt suicide. Dd didn't reply and is really shaken up. I have emailed the safeguarding lead at the school.

11/ 12 is so young, I'm really struggling to get my head around it and it's not something I think dd should be exposed to, it's not something anyone should have to deal with, but 11/ 12 year olds?

OP posts:

JustOneMan · 17/04/2018 01:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 17/04/2018 02:50

Greenyogagirl
The OP didn't call the threats of suicide or the self harm 'drama'.

She alluded to gossip and nastiness.

It's possible for someone who self harms and talks of suicide to be a member of a little clique of bitches.

The DD isn't into gossip, nastiness and being a bitch.

mathanxiety · 17/04/2018 02:53

And even children who are not on the spectrum find girls like that (queen bees) very hard work, and very stressful to deal with whether friends with them (or just trying to keep out of the crosshairs) or just unfortunate enough to be in the same class.

differentnameforthis · 17/04/2018 06:44

I'm not judging the child who is saying this. I'm utterly horrified that a child so young can feel like this and don't really understand

My daughter is 9, she self harms in the way of punching/slapping herself, biting herself, banging her head on walls/floors. She has started using heavy items to hit her head with.

If I don't start to get a hold on this, it will escalate. I am starting to worry that I need to start hiding knives etc... She does it because of anxiety related to ASD.

She has therapists who were are tackling the issues with, but when she is low, I can't always reach her. And I fear constantly for her.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 17/04/2018 06:51

Math, can you explain all threads in the future for people who don't read it properly?
😉

The drama and gossip was prior to this happening. Making up rumours about people, saying nasty things, stiring up trouble, lots of crying and exrream reactions/ storming off/ being hyper and getting into trouble. Dd is not like that at all so did not want to be friends with her.

It is not a secret the girl was self harming as she used to show it off. I do not know if others reported it or not but I did just in case.

It is likely the suicide message was sent to others too. It came out of the blue with no other conversation and they hadn't chatted on social media for weeks.

Anyway. The school contacted me to say the parents had been in contact with the school that day, so I guess it's all known about and being dealt with.

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 17/04/2018 06:55

They clearly are friends if she has your daughter's mobile number and confides in her about things like this. Exactly! Or at least the other girl thinks they are friends.

Thank you for reporting this, op. I hope that if my daughter ever has moments when she discloses, that someone around her will say something, to someone who will help too.

differentnameforthis · 17/04/2018 06:58

I have to admit that I initially felt my back go up because of the drama reference. But I took the time to calm down before I hit post and amended my post. Sometimes, it is easy to see things in the wrong context when you are living with such circumstances.

I know that it is hard for your dd, op. She sounds like a lovely girl to try to help someone how she has.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 17/04/2018 06:59

The other girl does not think they are friends.

She stormed past dd, physically barging her out of the way and told her to move as she was going to see her friends, just a few days before the Easter break

This comes a day after dd found her crying in the loos saying she has no friends and getting herself in a right state.

Dd thought she would give up her lunch with her friends and check she was ok as she was worried for this girl, and that's what happened.

Again, for maybe the 50th time. They are not friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 17/04/2018 07:02

Also the " having moments of discolsure " isn't quite how it is. Everyone knows about the self harm as she shows it off.

The messages come from social media, sometimes they are on ' stories ' so they vanish. This was the first time it came direct. It wasn't a text, it was through social media.

OP posts:

summerinthecountry · 17/04/2018 07:13

qudduchcup

I can I just point out that self harming is not showing off, nor is suicide attempts. Generally this is a huge call for help. The canary in the mineshaft. The girl may come across as angry etc but this is quite normal. You seem to imply she is doing it for attention.

It is a very dangerous to assume a child is doing this for attention. I am glad the school is helping and addressing this child's needs, she is very young to be in this position, and will need lots of support for her remaining childhood and into her teenage years.

Unless you can practice some compassion and kindness it might be better to step away. Your dd can also step away gently if you prefer, this is not really about your child and whether it is good for her. The poor girl that is going through this obviously has her reasons.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 17/04/2018 07:23

No. I was explaining the situation.

People seem to assume a secret conversation between her and my dd and it isn't like that.

She is rolling up her sleves and showing people all the time however. As in ' she is showing then to people ' rather than showing then off.

Again. I haven't done anything wrong here other than try to explain when I'm getting nit picked at.

Next time I'll take no action and just ignore it. Because if this is what happened when you act responsibly and are shocked and saddened for the poor girl, then it's not for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 17/04/2018 07:25

What compassion do I need to show other than doing what I did?

I have never met the girl.

She does show her arms off. Points it out to people openly in lessons.

Statement of fact- she is showing then off. Nothing more or less than a fact.

OP posts:

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 17/04/2018 07:26

And I have nothing to step away from as I don't know her. All I did was report it to the school.

I don't understand what people are getting at me for.

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 17/04/2018 07:43

Wow, I try to say something nice, and all you do is pick at my wording!!

By moment of disclosure I mean the possibility of suicide. Not the self harm.

Whatever their status, this girl is crying out for help. I don't really care if you think they are friends, it is obvious that this girls feels comfortable in confiding in your dd for whatever reason. But what do I know...

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 17/04/2018 07:53

All of the thread had been about my dd being friends with this girl, over and over again.

When I explain I get more of a kicking.

It's an awful situation and I did what was right.

Next time, thanks to this thread I'll do nothing. I now understand why people don't speak up, because they get blamed for the whole thing.

OP posts:

summerinthecountry · 17/04/2018 08:03

You are not being blamed, at all.

Your understanding of this girl's predicament is limited. You don't know her, and don't understand why she is suffering.

The girl by showing her arms to other girls/friends, is really saying look at what is happening to me. Please help.

It is a plea for help. You did the right thing to inform the school (as any responsible adult would do) and you are right to talk through with your dd why some girls go through this, so that she is not as affected by this.

I think you come across as quite angry that this has happened, and you are in this position, but the girl has not chosen to feel this way, she is 11 years old and just a child.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 17/04/2018 08:04

OP for what it’s worth, you did the right thing.

I was in a similar position to you (different scenario but still very delicate and I didn’t know the child or her parents).

All I could do was tell the school. Doing nothing wasn’t an option.

I don’t know why you got a kicking on here, but you did the right thing.

inashizzle · 17/04/2018 08:05

I and many others completely get what you're saying and we should all be supportive of all of our children anyone coming from concerned angle is a decent, caring person.

Pinkvoid · 17/04/2018 08:08

A friend of mine self harmed at a similar age after seeing it on a soap... She came to school with a massive gash across her face and was bragging about it as if it were cool . That was in the days before most people had the internet at home, she had purely been inspired by a TV programme so you can only imagine what kids have access to nowadays.

Having said that, depression and anxiety can and do strike at a young age so it’s more than possible this girl is suffering. Well done you for contacting safeguarding. Hopefully she can get the help she needs.

summerinthecountry · 17/04/2018 08:09

pinkvoid

A one off silly stunt by your old school friend sounds very different from the pattern of behaviour op describes.

Oblomov18 · 17/04/2018 08:11

"I'm not judging the child who is saying this. I'm utterly horrified that a child so young can feel like this and don't really understand. "

Eh?

What is there to not understand? You sound really precious and unaware. Things are a lot more high tec, sophisticated these days, their emotions happen earlier, they watch stuff and aware of more stuff. Kids in primary are watching the news, films, you-tube, reading 'the boy in the striped pyjamas'.

Many kids in primary, have doubts, lack of self belief, referrals to camhs.

You need to wake up and get with the programme!!

inashizzle · 17/04/2018 08:12

And I must add im so glad you've brought this up. It is becoming much more common and i think parents should be educated in this. Threads should be supportive of one another and aim to educate. I've learnt somewhat just by reading this thread, thanks op for raising with good intentions.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 17/04/2018 08:12

I'm angry over the kicking I am getting on here.

It's not deserved.

OP posts:

Oblomov18 · 17/04/2018 08:15

"I can't help but be shocked by it. But I wouldn't like it to be common that i wasn't shocked."

But it IS really common. Sad but true. How do you not know this?

inashizzle · 17/04/2018 08:20

Why is she supposed to know everything about it?!!! And why the hostility

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