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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really shocked at this behaviour in a 12 year old.

235 replies

Quiddichcup · 15/04/2018 19:34

My daughter knows someone at school, maybe just 12, possibly 11.

We are aware she self harms and I contacted the school out of safeguarding concerns when dd came home from school and told me..dd was shocked and worried and had a few sleepless nights over it..

Dd is back from her dad's and has shown me a text this girl sent her about attempting to comitt suicide. Dd didn't reply and is really shaken up. I have emailed the safeguarding lead at the school.

11/ 12 is so young, I'm really struggling to get my head around it and it's not something I think dd should be exposed to, it's not something anyone should have to deal with, but 11/ 12 year olds?

OP posts:
FeistyColl · 19/04/2018 22:10

I don't know how pastoral support is managed in your dd's school . If it's form tutor then email them or ask to speak to urgently so steps can be taken to break the pattern of the girl disclosing to DD. Then they can replace with appropriate adult supporting the other girl

FeistyColl · 19/04/2018 22:13

And support for your DD if she needs it to process what's she's been told

mathanxiety · 19/04/2018 22:22

The girl I mentioned has not had all contact cut.

She just doesn't have her own phone and she does not have the expectation of privacy in phone and internet communication that many of her peers have. She has her own email address (just one) but her parents know her password. She is allowed on FB under strict rules of engagement, with her parents allowed to oversee her account, and no membership of secret groups allowed. They have a compact. (DD4 is not on FB however, by her own choice, so that is ruled out as a means of contact.)

She spends time with us regularly (they moved a few hours away so this happens when they are in town visiting relatives every few weeks) and she and DD usually have a sleepover, chat, goof around, go to the movies, go out for a coffee, look at the shops, sit in the park, listen to music, play with the cat, draw (both like drawing/art) - all the usual stuff people do when they are friends and share interests. She is also out at school all day every day and at school clubs that she enjoys. She does not do a sport any more, as excessive exercise was part of her anorexia profile. She does daily PE at school.

She can use her mum's or dad's phone if she asks, and DD can send texts and emails via her mum's phone, and email her. She can use the home landline. If there is something she needs to say to someone during the night she can wake her parents or use the landline to call either her doctor's 24 hour emergency line or the Samaritans. Using the landline requires speaking and it also potentially involves waking friends' parents at odd hours if she tries calling umpteen friends to try to make contact in the small hours of the morning. Before the rules were put in place she would text multiple friends at night if she felt the need, and would possibly get a response from someone, almost like fishing. The friends did not know that they were the fifteenth (or whatever) person texted. Each thought she was specially chosen. It wasn't helping her on the road to wellness and it was stressful for the friends.

So DD and her friend are in contact, just not after 11pm/midnight, and the friend's mum is aware of how much contact there is with specific friends.

This has been a long, hard road for the family. They nearly lost their beloved daughter to a horrible illness that was exacerbated by contacts online, and she is still not out of the woods. They are hoping she will be well enough to go to university away from home, which will be decided on in just under 2 years.

mathanxiety · 19/04/2018 22:31

^^ Everything that Feisty said about handling this.

Your DD can say exactly what Feisty suggested if it is too much. You can assure DD that no matter what happens the choice ultimately is the other girl's, and the responsible thing to do is to direct her to the adults who are in a position to communicate with each other and to help directly.

Maybe DD could urge her to approach her GP?

It is really frustrating that the school can't share any details of how they are handling this with you or how much help they are giving to this girl, but of course completely understandable because of privacy concerns.

You are in the unenviable position of being involved but outside the loop, and your DD is on the front lines but also worried because she doesn't know what is being done by the adults in school.

Quiddichcup · 20/04/2018 06:59

This will sound horrible but I don't want dd and I to end up in the position of being told stuff and having to report in all the time.

This is twice in one week and while I'll keep doing it , because I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. I can't keep it up.

I feel that maybe if she is talking about these things with such frequency and in such detail that maybe the level of care she is getting can't be right. I am currently worried she is a danger to herself.

I do know the child has seen her gp and is on tablets. She told my dd she is meant to take 1 a day but she's currently taking 10 a day and no one knows.

OP posts:
Quiddichcup · 20/04/2018 07:00

I don't mean any of that in a horrible way. I just don't feel that I should be relied on to report this stuff all the time. Dd being told this stuff a few times a week is hard. She is just 12.

It's awful and I don't really know what to do.

OP posts:
Quiddichcup · 20/04/2018 07:03

I've also said to dd to maybe day something along the lines of she's sorry but thinks msybe the girl needs to talk to a teacher
But she said she can't do as the girl will either get very cross or very upset and she doesn't want to make it worse for her..

OP posts:
FeistyColl · 20/04/2018 08:11

My advice still stands Quiddich

Speak to the appropriate staff at school about your concerns for your DD as well as your concerns for the other girl. Make sure you know who your DD should go to if the girl discloses again.

Explain to your DD that in the long run she will be helping the girl by not listening and pointing the girl to an adult. If your DD really feels that she can't do this then, as I've said above, make sure your DD has a member of staff to go to for support everytime if the girl discloses.

No-one here will be able to give you advice that will magically stop the girl talking to your DD. And no-one thinks your DD should feel responsible for the other girl. If DD hasn't said anything to the girl then it is understandable as to why she keeps coming back. She presumably thinks she's found a sympathetic listener.

Lizzie48 · 20/04/2018 08:20

This is very scary and it sounds as if the girl should be in hospital if she's taking 10 tablets daily. Also, if she's taking 10 tablets daily, why the hell don't her parents know? This is so irresponsible.

It might not be true of course. She might be exaggerating in order to draw attention to herself. It was the drama class after all. But children of 12 do attempt suicide, so it needs to be taken seriously. Definitely alert the safeguarding officer at school about this self-harm.

FeistyColl · 20/04/2018 08:48

Quiddichcup - please don't post more about what the girl has said. It will only generate speculation about whether or not its true, whether or not she's attention seeking or a drama queen etc. etc. None of us can know.

You want the girl to get help and you want your DD out of the situation.

I have given advice as to how I think you could go about achieving that.

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