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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really shocked at this behaviour in a 12 year old.

235 replies

Quiddichcup · 15/04/2018 19:34

My daughter knows someone at school, maybe just 12, possibly 11.

We are aware she self harms and I contacted the school out of safeguarding concerns when dd came home from school and told me..dd was shocked and worried and had a few sleepless nights over it..

Dd is back from her dad's and has shown me a text this girl sent her about attempting to comitt suicide. Dd didn't reply and is really shaken up. I have emailed the safeguarding lead at the school.

11/ 12 is so young, I'm really struggling to get my head around it and it's not something I think dd should be exposed to, it's not something anyone should have to deal with, but 11/ 12 year olds?

OP posts:
ificouldwritealettertome · 15/04/2018 23:38

Wait, you worked for a mental health trust and don't know all this!?

ificouldwritealettertome · 15/04/2018 23:40

Thank you whyaye

All in the past now. People can overcome this with the right support

FeistyColl · 15/04/2018 23:42

Exactly AuntLydia - self harm isn't a life style choice like smoking or drinking!

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 15/04/2018 23:45

Not to be rude but have you read numerous times where I have said my dd is not friends with this girl and does not wish to be?

I haven't said how I have talked it over with dd so you are making total assumptions.

It is not mine nor dds responsibility to show this girl happiness nor figure out what is the cause of her issues, If there is a cause.

Dd got a message and passed it on to me to deal with. That is basically it. Dd has done the right thing and will continue to be a good friend to her actual friends and will still continue to act in a responsible way in the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 15/04/2018 23:47

I didn't say it was a life style choice. It was a list of things I would find shocking at this age.

I'm not being picked apart as I haven't done anything wrong so will be leaving the thread now.

OP posts:
Amanduh · 15/04/2018 23:51

A couple of years ago I taught Y6 and there was a girl in the class doing exactly this. She was 10 at the time. I was completely shocked too OP. She was also putting things about suicide and self harm on snapchat, instagram etc etc. It turned out that a lot of it was attention seeking too, but it upset a lot of the other children she send messages etc to.

ificouldwritealettertome · 15/04/2018 23:53

What did you want from this post then, I don't understand? Did you actually want to know if you were BU for not knowing that children can feel suicidal (despite having worked for a mental health trust apparently) or did you want to remind self-harmers how annoying it is that their problems are inconveniencing you and you don't have time for it?

Amanduh · 15/04/2018 23:53

*sent

Hateloggingin · 15/04/2018 23:57

@NeverSurrender, I’ve only read first page but your situation sounds identical to mine. Dd (just 13), self harming and have just received diagnosis of Aspergers. Pm me if you’d like? :)

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 15/04/2018 23:59

This is where the message came from, snap chat.

When she first told dd about it and we reported it , people told dd this was just what she was like and she had been like that in primary too.

Dd still felt she did the right thing as it is not up to her to make a judgement on if it's true or attention seeking.

Because of the drama and gossip this girl goes through friend ships fast. Just before easter she was crying to dd and posting weirs stuff on social media so dd though she would look out for her to make sure she was ok. She gave up her lunch and went looking for her only to have this girl walk straight past her, barge her shoulder and say she didn't want to see dd.

That was the last of it till the text that came though. Agsin not up to dd to make any judgement she just did what was right and will leave it in the hands of people who are trained in this sort of thing.

My responsibility is to no one but dd and she is just fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 16/04/2018 00:01

I worked for adult mental health in an admin role. I have an understanding, I am not a doctor.

I am going to go now as I don't think being nit picked is serving any purpose.

OP posts:
Falmer · 16/04/2018 00:33

ificouldwrite, I'm sorry but I don't think you are fully recovered yourself. You're doing a transference onto OP. I was shocked, I understand why op posted and I'm a recovered self harmer myself. I'm sorry but I think you need more help. Nit picking and saying things like "did you want to remind self-harmers how annoying it is" etc, is a transference, from when no-one (wrongly and sadly) took notice of you.

Carouselfish · 16/04/2018 00:38

A boy half that age I worked with talked about it a lot. That was shocking. And then it's scary that the other children around them pick up on it too. Well done to your DD for speaking to you about it and agree with Nanilas about the responsibility aspect. She has done the right thing and passed that along.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 16/04/2018 07:55

I didn't get much sleep last night, thinking about this and some of the accusations thrown my way.

I've had a 're read this morning.

I am shocked over this and will be thinking about the girl today. I do find it awfully sad that someone so young could be feeling so awful. But I would feel shocked if it was a 15 year old or a 30 year old. Maybe not as shocked, but still shocked.

Dd did the right thing. I then did the right thing.

That's where my involvement ends. Dd will continue to be herself and that's all she has to do to.
Dd slept well ( in my bed) and we talked over the course of action that was taken..she is happy she did the right thing and it's been passed to the correct people.

The accusations were not nice to receive, especially over such a sensitive subject but they were not based on any fact from my side at all.

Once again im sorry for those that have a more direct experience of this..

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 16/04/2018 08:06

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the OP not wanting her dd to have to deal with another child's mental health issues. She has done all the right things- it's very important to know when you are out of your depth and to disengage-especially at 11. My adult dd has had mental health problems- and I have always said to her friends that they should only take on as much as they feel safe and comfortable with-and to primarily look after themselves. You are fine, OP. Your primary responsibility is to your own dd in this situation-while obviously doing all you can for the other girl.

Italiangreyhound · 16/04/2018 19:43

@Quiddichcup you did totally the right thing and have gotten a hard time on this thread.

@BertrandRussell totally agree with tiki. "Your primary responsibility is to your own dd in this situation-while obviously doing all you can for the other girl."

My own dd has mental health issues and if any friends felt the need to step away, that is fine. Likewise I would support my dd on being friends/not being friends with whomever she chooses.

Some teenage mental health issues do have a social contagion element and I don't think it is unreasonable to be aware of this. It diesn't mean any teen should be isolated but it does mean that some friendships can be bad for our health and our kids health so understand if children don't want to get involved I'm some friendship groups.

Plus messaging now is not necessarily for special friends. So people are in touch with a much wider circle via phone apps. Because this girl shared her message with OP's dd it Doran't necessarily mean good friend. We don't know how Manu others she told. And if others reported it too I very much doubt the OP would ever be told.

mathanxiety · 16/04/2018 20:10

I am not sure what Quiddichcup could have done on this thread to make it more clear that her daughter and the other girl are not friends and have never been friends.

Yet the digs continue.

RTFT people.

The DD made the completely responsible choice to tell an adult. She displayed maturity and concern beyond her years in persuading and then accompanying the other girl to talk to the teacher. She is a child anyone should be immensely proud of.

Italiangreyhound · 16/04/2018 23:19

Agree with mathanxiety .

Greenyogagirl · 16/04/2018 23:23

DD isn’t friends with her because she isn’t into ‘that sort of thing’ it’s not a game, it’s not drama, it’s a scared child crying out for help and being dismissed.
I was self harming from 9, my son self harmed from 3, unfortunately mental health issues do not care how old you are.

Italiangreyhound · 16/04/2018 23:31

@Greenyogagirl I am really sorry for your and your son's experiences.

I am not sure where you get the idea the child is being dismissed? The OP reported this to the right people.

Greenyogagirl · 16/04/2018 23:36

Thanks @italiangreyhound
Op did the right thing and her daughter can be friends with anyone she wants, it was just the ‘she isn’t into that sort of thing’ and calling it ‘drama’ makes it seem like a game or activity that dd doesn’t want to join in with which minimises something that is actually very serious

Greenyogagirl · 16/04/2018 23:37

Oh and being dismissed, not necessarily by op but clearly by other people (kids who think it’s drama/her parents/a teacher or whatever) as it’s been going on for a while and she’s still sending messages like that

Italiangreyhound · 17/04/2018 00:13

@Greenyogagirl I guess there may be other things going on. There may be 'actual' drama in friendships groups unrelated to self harm etc. My dd doesn't get on well with all the who is upset with whom and who is not talking to who or whatever. Because she is almost certainly on the spectrum she finds all that stuff hard to cope with. And avoids it. I think it's fair to assume there may be far more than just what the OP has been able to put here. How much the other girl teller the OP's dd may vary, she might be talking to lots of people.

May I ask what helped you through all this?

I think it is very hard for the child who is dealing with things, my dd has several issues, I think friends can sometimes cope with it sometimes not. My dd has been lucky her friends have been around a long while, some have a few issues some not, but I only know what dd tells me and that is very little! Thanks

Greenyogagirl · 17/04/2018 00:19

For myself nothing but medication on top of healthy diet and exercise helps unfortunately.
My son has a lot of health issues, mental and physical and it’s difficult, I just try to hold his hands and talk to him, he’s 8 now.

Italiangreyhound · 17/04/2018 00:47

@Greenyogagirl I am really glad you found what works for you. XX Thanks Best of luck for your lovely son.

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