To be really shocked at this behaviour in a 12 year old.

[Quiddichcup]

My daughter knows someone at school, maybe just 12, possibly 11.

We are aware she self harms and I contacted the school out of safeguarding concerns when dd came home from school and told me..dd was shocked and worried and had a few sleepless nights over it..

Dd is back from her dad's and has shown me a text this girl sent her about attempting to comitt suicide. Dd didn't reply and is really shaken up. I have emailed the safeguarding lead at the school.

11/ 12 is so young, I'm really struggling to get my head around it and it's not something I think dd should be exposed to, it's not something anyone should have to deal with, but 11/ 12 year olds?

TBH I wouldn't trust the judgement of a child who gave out their mobile or other contact details to anyone they didn't trust and consider a friend.
It's sad that a child would even consider suicide but they do.

I think you're getting the response you are because it sounds like you're suggesting there is a whole self-harm scene that this girl is into, but I may be totally reading that wrong, in which case I appologise

OP, I think you've handled this perfectly as has your dd. Thislittlepiggy1, stop trying to cause trouble. It's a difficult enough situation for OP and dd, as it is!

Sorry, I understood from her reaching out to her that they had some level of trust/friendship.

As I previously stated "Your daughter should in no way feel responsible for this girl and I'm not trying to suggest she should. It wasn't a personal attack but I can see how you might think it was and for that I apologise."

I am a (recovered) self-harmer who is on the path to becoming a child psychologist so I was purely interested for my own perspective and to see if anyone else thought there was a wider issue relating to the stigma of self-harming, but clearly I misunderstood the relationship and it was sincerely not my intention to offend anyone.

My goodness! Not trying to cause trouble! Just goes to show how differently written information can be interpreted.

As I previously stated "Your daughter should in no way feel responsible for this girl and I'm not trying to suggest she should. It wasn't a personal attack but I can see how you might think it was and for that I apologise."

Brilliant post mathanxiety .

OP - I understand the point you are making and don't think you've been unkind at all.
It is shocking to discover that children so young can self harm and you are right to talk it through with your daughter. If she doesn't choose to be friends with anyone, that is her right, no matter what the child's issues are. As long as she is not unkind - and from everything that you've said - she's been extremely kind and thoughtful.
It is an important skill to learn to distance yourself from people. It is those who don't have that skill who can end up enmeshed in all types of relationships that may not be good for them as they get older.

Thank you math, that is what I meant.

The school have responded already and I have been able to reassure dd that they will talk to the girl and deal with it sensitivly.

Dd has just told me she is thankful I listen and just deal with things for her.

Hopefully the girl will get some support.

I think it’s unfair to say you wouldn’t trust the child who gave out their phone number. At our school the whole year group have each others number (year 7, but last year too), it’s not uncommon.

OP. You & your DD both sound lovely & like you’ve both done exactly the right things.

I hope DD is ok and the other young girl gets the help she needs.

Comprehension levels can be pretty dreadful on here these days, so I wouldn’t take some of the posts to heart 💐

That's good, I hope your daughter feels relieved and this girl can get the help she needs.

You 100% did the right thing for both your daughter and the girl.

OP I think you have absolutely done the right thing. You are 100% right that your DD has no responsibility other than to inform a responsible adult which she has done. And you have then passed that information on.

However, your AIBU is whether you are unreasonable to be really shocked at this behaviour in a twelve year old and I think you are unreasonable.

Naivety is not a virtue when it comes to parenting. I am 'really shocked' that you seem genuinely oblivious to the extent of mental health problems in young people. Sadly, distressing behaviour resulting from children's mental illness is evident in every single secondary school in the land. And many primaries too ☹

I'm glad you have posted because there may be other parents equally ignorant. And if they are ignorant, they are not best equipped to support their DC.

The op seems to be getting a challenging time on here, partly because she is shocked by the girls problems. Feistycoll is even criticizing parents for being naive and ignorant about the prevalence of these sort of problems in such young children. To be honest, I find the idea of 12 year olds self harming and feeling suicidal absolutely shocking. Who would not be shocked at this, it is shocking that there are children in such distress - it may not be new, or uncommon, but I still find it shocking. And I think the op has handled it well, supporting her daughter and trying not to let her feel responsible for this girl - she is absolutely right, it's not her daughter's responsibility. Even if she was close friends with the girl, the problems would still not be her responsibility - it is down to the adults in this girls life, teachers, parents, health professionals, to give her the support and help she needs.

I guess I'm ignorant then.

I'm very good with my dd and looking after her but not so good with thinking about other children's mental health.

I'm sure I can't be the only one who is busy with life that they look after their own family and own issues before contemplating issues that aren't in their life at that point.

I don't know anyone who has had even similar issues that im aware of, so it is a new thing to me.

Not an excuse, just a fact.

But thankyou sara, I do find it shocking.

It was not so long ago they were playing with toys. The jump from that to something like this is huge and I am sad for this girl and anyone else who is experiencing it.

Unfortunately op, as you can see by awful insensitive posts like 3lattes, not everyone responds with sympathy to mental illness - even in kids. I think that's why some of what you have said has been misinterpreted as judgemental. People do think young girls who self harm are being dramatic and badly behaved sadly. You are absolutely right that your daughter shouldn't have to be friends with someone she doesn't like simply because they are suffering with a mental illness. She's handled this really well and so have you.

I have said absolutely nothing critical of the OP or her actions - quite the opposite.

I did not use the word 'ignorant' as an insult as you appear to have taken it. I used it to refer to what the OP said herself i.e. that she did not know such things happened.

Using another example - many parents are ignorant of what their children are in danger of on-line. This doesn't help them protect their children. As a result here has been vast amounts of information put out to parents to inform them of the dangers ....

I simply pointed out that in the same way, it is important that parents are not left in ignorance about the very real problem of mental illness in our young people.

I was desperate suicidal at this age and used to pray to God for cancer every night. My mum caught me cutting myself with broken glass once and screamed at me so much I was too terrified to do it again- but I still wanted to die.

No one knew but at the time I was being touched and kisses by an older boy that my parents were paying to babysit.

That was so hard to write to you- a bunch of strangers online who don't know me. And I am a grown woman now and have had counselling.

Imagine how that affected me as a child. Perhaps you don't need to inform your daughter of mental health to protect her from people like this. I would have given anything for an insightful adult to take the time to recognise what was happening to me. As it happened no one found out until I was 18 and spoke up.

Is there anyone who can reach out to this girl?

I am sorry for your situation.

The girl is known, I do not know what help she is getting as it is not my place to know. The school have said they will act, again I do not need to know their actions, but can only trust them to do so.

I am not ignorant of issues but only concentrate on issues that affect dd, and we talk a lot about stuff and how she thinks and feels about it. She doesn't have any mental health issues so it's not something that is firmly on my radar. I don't have time nor inclination to take on responsibility of other people's issues, other than dealing with them appropriately should they come up.

To be fair I would be equally shocked at smoking/ drinking/ drugs/ sex/ etc at this age. They are only just 12, some are still 11.

We talk about these things but if there was an immediate issue I would be shocked. Dd and her friends aren't even at the going to town totally by them selves stage yet. They are still very much children.

Feisty The OP never having come across ANY child with mental illhealth before, does not make her ignorant or unknowledgeable. She probably knows about it (everyone does) but up to now, hasn't come across it. I was also shocked to hear the young age and I'm actually a recovered self harmer myself! (started at 15). OP, you've handled this brilliantly and I hope your dd recovers well (also the young girl herself).

Mental illness isn't really something that just happens to teens or grown ups though. It's not like a sign of some kind of precociousness. There's no age limit. You can't put it in the same bracket as smoking or drinking early. My lad is still very much a little kid. He isn't streetwise or mature for his age.
His age isn't a factor in his problems. It's the way his little brain is wired.

Also, the day we all become so desensitised that we're not shocked by awful things, will be a very sad day indeed!

Of course I know about mental health. I worked for a mental health trust a while back.

I am still shocked by this poor girl, that she feels this way and maybe isn't getting the help she needs as it's been going on for a while.

No you’re just peeking into a world you haven’t had to before OP.

I did a hollow laugh at ‘help’ though. Mental health provision is woeful now. You could always pester cyps on her behalf. You’ll need to ring them daily multiple times though.

ificould

I don't have time nor inclination to take on responsibility of other people's issues, other than dealing with them appropriately should they come up.

I don't mean to get at you, but they have come up. If you are teaching her how to deal with mental health (which she may not have to deal with), then show her how to be a good friend (which she is having to deal with). My friends parents did the same and though "that weird girl isn't my problem." So I lost friends, became even more lonely and isolated and didn't share my experiences until I became an adult. By this point a few other girls had also been abused by this man because no one spoke out.

I know the school are now aware, but does your DD know something? Some people are suicidal because they find life too much. Others have a trigger. Your DD is clearly upset to see this but showing her that it's not your problem and to move on won't resolve any issues this raises for your DD. You need to do more that tell her some people's heads are broken. If my DD was concerned for a friend, I would do what I could to help her see how valuable friendship is, but of course in such a way as to let her know she is not responsible for this girl's happiness. She can only contribute to it

It's not my place to. I've handed it over to the school safe guarding team, they can work with her , her family and any other agencies. I don't need to be involved.

Again I am sorry for any one with any direct experience of this.