AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

[JerryLarryTerryGarry]

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

I suspect a large number of people who watch porn, especially women, do so at the vanilla end of the spectrum, with activity that’s neither violent nor extreme. Those against porn are trying to shame those who enjoy this into not viewing it at all claiming, rightly, that it is part of a much wider industry that has a large underbelly of abuse. I’m much the same way as the alcohol temperance and prohibition movement failed due to the many who actually liked a glass or two, the same is true for porn. Regulate porn like we did alcohol, then you can deal with the abusive underbelly more easily. Those who don’t like porn full stop can still campaign against it whilst knowing that it’s worst excesses are more effectively being policed,
whilst those who do want to watch the more vanilla porn can do so without being lumped in as part of the abusive elements.

My main concerns are for my daughters. Their boyfriends and they will have had easy access to violent, abusive porn often from age 11-12, how anyone can think this is okay is beyond me. I thought they were bringing in an opt in law? What happened to that? Coconutella I agree that regulation would help.

BottleofFred - Please can you provide a link to where those figures come from? Not saying they aren't true but it's very easy to quote percentages (as Roderick does with her undoubtedly made up on the spot 90% of porn contains violence towards women) on a website in order to make your point sound that much stronger.

Even if they are true, they would only refer to simulated scenarios (not that I don't find this kind of stuff deeply unpleasant even when it is obviously acted).

Coconettella - that kind of balanced approach is fine in theory but hard to police in practice. The problem is that the laws that have been proposed\enacted all deal with the sexual acts involved, listing some as OK but others (spanking, bondage) as unacceptable. Instead they should be concentrating on how the stuff gets made - are the participants willing or are they being forced or exploited specifically.

Unfortunately though, this kind of argument is more often led by people opposed to all pornography, no matter how it is produced. They want to ban it all, especially those nasty practices that only freaks and weirdos enjoy. They say their main concern is exploited women but really they don't want anyone doing it or watching it because they just don't like it.

go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=rapecrisis.org.uk/pdfs/4043_evaw-briefing-on-porn-and-vawg.pdf

Someone else posted it, I just picked out the relevant bit.

I think you may be missing the point that children end up watching it, their brains are still developing and they are watching porn with names like 'slutty mum fucks her daughter' ...it makes me very sad

Regarding simulation, you do know that when a woman is choking on a penis, she really is choking on a penis?
And when hair is pulled, the hair is really being pulled.

You do know that in a simulation, the women are real humans?
And feel pain, just like men.

Instead they should be concentrating on how the stuff gets made - are the participants willing or are they being forced or exploited specifically.

That’s much more what i think the focus of any regulations.

I honestly don't get why a man would enjoy watching someone choking on his penis.

bottleofredplease It depends on the man, why he likes it.

But often it's due to being aroused by power, control. The mentality that your penis is too big for her. Ego. Enjoying the sensation.

There are women who enjoy being made to choke on a partner's penis, in a consensual, loving environment.

It may not be your taste but people, many people, are into it.

Regards to willingness of participants, you have to be pretty desperate to let people treat you in this way.

Women with good education, choices, wealth and opportunity tend not to make these kind of decisions.

Women in porn tend to have been molested as children, grown up in the care system and have had other problems that have interfered with them making safe decisions and having good boundaries.

Plus, the next generation will be growing up with distorted ideas about sex and relationships because of porn.

I’m tired of arguing these points.
You can carry on wanking, and I’ll continue doing the things I do to contribute positively to my community and society.

Me too Roderick and my DP

And I quite agree about education etc. I work with vulnerable people and several of them have got involved in this stuff, I would call it coerced, lack of confidence, self worth etc

i'm tired of arguing these points.
You can carry on wanking, and I’ll continue doing the things I do to contribute positively to my community and society.

The two aren't mutually exclusive :)

"Regards to willingness of participants, you have to be pretty desperate to let people treat you in this way.

Women with good education, choices, wealth and opportunity tend not to make these kind of decisions.

Women in porn tend to have been molested as children, grown up in the care system and have had other problems that have interfered with them making safe decisions and having good boundaries"

Does all of that also go for a couple, who have never 'made porn' before, finding it sexually exciting and enjoyable to film themselves having regular run of the mill sex and then posting it online because they get a kick out of being seen? Both fully consenting and into it?

Roderick there are definitely a significant number of women who like their hair being pulled during sex (not sure about the choking though but there are plenty of things that would make me shudder that others seem to enjoy). I see plenty of hair pulling in TV and films (non-sexual) - is that real too?

Bottle - thanks for the link. Disgusting stuff I agree but they were specifically searching for 'rape pornography' - those figures don't apply to all pornographic web sites as your post might have led people here to think.

I agree that it is extremely sad that children will be looking at videos with titles like that but short of taking away anything capable of accessing the internet, there is no realistic way of stopping it. Legislation, filters, site-blocking have all had little to no effect so far and will continue to be proven to be useless. It's why it's all the more important to have conversations with your kids about sex and pornography to make sure they don't grow up with a porn-skewed view of sex and relationships.

Lets face it Roderick obviously hates porn of all kinds (as is totally up to her) but is also singularly unable to grasp that people might enjoy things that she does not. Even with cast-iron guarantees that the participants were happy, willing and doing it of their own free will she would still object to it whilst at the same time looking down from her loft perch of moral superiority and implying that, despite any evidence to the contrary, there was really something deeply wrong with them that they just weren't aware of.

It's this kind of attitude that just makes it impossible to have a reasoned discussion about this kind of thing and simply prolongs the kind of abuses she pretends to care about.

Children don’t listen to what we say, but they never fail to imitate.
Learned behaviour.
No one actually starts off liking getting their hair pulled.
Women and girls are now conditioned to see themselves through men’s eyes, and experience pleasure through men’s pleasure.
The huge schoolchildren’s survey demonstrated this well.

Read the rest of the document Northern, you will see gold standard leaders in their field speaking about the detrimental effect of porn on society. By this I mean contributing to violence against women and girls.

@Limon Do you think Theresa May would behave like this?
I stand by my assertion about wealthy educated people with choices not exposing their genetalia.
You would get arrested for it in public but if it’s filmed and put on line it is ok?
Stop trying to drag out the 100,000-1 exception.

The fact is porn is linked to paedophilia.
Pornography is linked to rape.
How can anyone in good conscience defend it.

I don’t deny that people who use porn can’t do good deeds. But on the whole they are contributing to the abuse of women and girls.
John Wayne Gacy, the prolific porn user and serial killer did very good work in the community.

I find it unbelievable that you two are on here saying significant numbers of women like their hair being pulled and many many like being made to choke on a penis.

But it’s not connected to porn.
They just like it.

I am sure that there are women who like choking on a penis. What I don't want is a generation of young people growing up thinking that it is a perfectly routine part of everyone's sex lives and there is something wrong with you if you don't like it. I want young people's first experience of sex to be pretty vanilla. A bit of practice, then moving on/up/down/round whatever as they become more experienced and confident. I want young people-particularly young women, because it is usually young women that things are done to, rather than who do things, to find out what they like by experimentation. Not to be told -look, here, everyone's doing it.

What the hell has Theresa May got to do with this? How on earth do you know what she has or hasn't done in her private life? People put amateur stuff online obscuring their faces sometimes, or not showing their entire bodies.

I find it unbelievable that you find it unbelievable that significant numbers of men and women enjoy a consensual sexual act that you don't personally enjoy. Is your sphere of experience really that narrow?

Now, that I agree with BertrandRussell. And I wish there were ways to prevent kids from accessing it. Adults using and making porn, fine. But I agree it's potentially damaging for children to witness all of this stuff as their first sexual experience, I really do.

There's a distinct tone of disgust/judgment in your posts Roderick, towards women who enjoy BDSM/D/s role play and activities. Is it wrong for someone who enjoys being submissive to act on that with somebody she trusts and who respects and cares for her?

Porn apologists always grasp any opportunity to suggest that people who don't like it are prudish, or moral finger wagers or sexually represed. It makes them an easier target. Much easier to talk about that than the damage and exploitation of workers in the sex industry, and the damage to society and to young people that the availability of porn does.

It’s not healthy.
Healthy people don’t want to be hurt.
It goes against our instinct.

What about the folk who want to be, and have been, consensually murdered.
Is that ok?

It’s not healthy.
Healthy people don’t want to be hurt.
It goes against our instinct.

Okay, I'm out. If you know so little about human sexuality you don't realise there are millions of perfectly healthy adults who enjoy BDSM play, masochism, and sadism, to varying degrees, I don't think you have any chance of learning via a few forum posts. I don't get the sense you want to, either, from such a rigid and closed minded view.

If you can't see the difference between someone wanting to be murdered (which is an incredibly rare phenomena) and someone (millions of people) enjoying different degrees of pain and control during sexual activity, I don't even know how to respond to that.