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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

853 replies

JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:03

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

OP posts:
ChocoholicsAsylum · 18/04/2018 17:51

No you are not un reasonable. Id have bloody drowned him in it, never mind throw it. People who justify by saying its only porn and not people he knows I wouldnt fucking care its NOT on at all. He is seeing womens private parts! Women having orgasms! Just because this is on a screen doesnt make it ok ffs

JAPAB · 18/04/2018 18:05

I’m not preaching abstinence. I am preaching not using porn unless you are completely sure that the people you are watching are fully consenting, and not trafficked, exploited or vulnerable. Not a complicated concept, I would have thought.

It is unfortunate, but you can never be completely sure. If you know what you are doing there are ways to hugely minimise such things. Take trafficking for instance. Be selective about the nationalities of the performers you watch, or stick to watching the more established performers. And of course watching is not the same as participating in, contributing to, or perpetuation.

But you'll never be completely sure just as you can't in most other activities. For instance there are women who have reported getting coerced into having threesomes with other women by abusive partners, and vulnerable women are not just restricted to going down a professional route. They might just enter into general lifestyles of casual sex and one night stands. The people into these activities can never be "completely" sure. Insist on that, and you pretty much are preaching abstinence.

caringcarer · 18/04/2018 18:11

ffs the OP threw a glass of water at her dh she did not hit him. She was probably shocked and just reacted and now feels sorry she did it.

BertrandRussell · 18/04/2018 18:11

Yeah, well. JAPAB, i’ve been on other threads with you where it’s obvious that you consider your right to get your rocks off to porn an inalienable one, so nothing new there.

JAPAB · 18/04/2018 18:14

the drive is to procreate.

Not on a conscious level. People on a ONS or in a sex club are not there to procreate. You might think that having sexual activity for recreation rather than procreation is some sort of abuse of it (?), but that is surely a different debate altogether.

In the here and now, people have the drive and various activities help them "scratch the itch".

Italiangreyhound · 18/04/2018 19:39

Janniohlosty123 "Simply the OP assaulted her husband. We can all see that." No we cannot all see that, what tosh!

@BertrandRussell "But nobody needs porn. So it's easy to be sure you're not contributing to exploitation, trafficking and abuse. Just stop using it. Sorted." So true.

@forcryinoutloud "Anyone would think it is the worse most aggressive thing you could do to your partner. This is a thinly disguised way of those advocating porn to make you look like you were the one in the wrong." You cannot upset men, you cannot call them out on anything. They get upset.

Italiangreyhound · 18/04/2018 19:42

PS if they don't get upset, women get upset on their behalf. Women are very cleverly socialised to centre men!

@JAPAB "And of course watching is not the same as participating in, contributing to, or perpetuation." Of course it is exactly that. Because watching is usually linked to paying for (although not always). So it is participating in, contributing to, and perpetuation of an industry that is harmful. Just like wearing a fur coat would be for the fur industry. you could not say, well I did not kill the mink myself!

JAPAB · 18/04/2018 21:32

Of course it is exactly that. Because watching is usually linked to paying for (although not always)

I would wager that the majority of viewers, the majority of the time, watch what has been made freely available. Amateur videos and free samples. So the link is not that usual.

If someone buys a film or a subscription to a website then they are unquestionaly contributing. But even then, they are not propping up "the porn industry" per se, but only that one specific studio or website. And if it is an ethical one...

BertrandRussell · 18/04/2018 21:41

Basically it comes down to men thinking they have a right to sex and to commodifying women's bodies and a significant number of women colluding and enabling them. A pretty unedifying spectacle, frankly.

JAPAB · 18/04/2018 21:45

Leaving aside the spin and rhetoric, I would say that it is just that people, males and females, have libidos and sexualities and sex drives. They don't do it just to wind up feminists.

Justanotherlurker · 18/04/2018 22:08

Basically it comes down to men thinking they have a right to sex and to commodifying women's bodies and a significant number of women colluding and enabling them

I think you have boiled your own thoughts down into kink shaming and not giving the autonomy of women because they have different tastes to you.

tiddliewinkiewoo · 18/04/2018 22:33

Whilst I don't agree with the OP assaulting her partner by throwing water and 'shoving' him out the door and not allowing him to return home (which is abuse no matter how low down the 'abuse' scale it is) I do agree that she has a right to be offended at her partner viewing pornography. What I don't agree with is that she'd never voiced her opinion on it. If she had and her partner had said he watched pornography then she could have made the decision not to continue with the relationship.

I''m not going to go into the rights and wrongs of pornography - it's legal and it's here and here to stay. Some people are 'into' it, some people 'aren't. Neither are wrong.

I will echo a PP perspective - my cousin has been in the adult industry for a few years and she certainly isn't co-erced, abused, made to do anything on the say so of a man.

She picks and chooses which films she wants to interview for, is paid a very good salary, has regular health checks and gets all her make up, hair, clothes paid for via an allowance when she's employed. I think it's derogatory to claim that she hasn't made the decision autonomously. And really quite patronising. She's also a prolific feminist who 'fights' for women's rights - and it's hers, and other adult actresses right - to choose this profession.

Notthemessiah · 18/04/2018 22:48

Not only are you unable to appreciate that there is a different point of view to yours Bertrand you seem to be implying that anyone who holds one is unable to think for themselves and must be some kind of brainwashed puppet of her male masters.

Deeply unpleasant.

BertrandRussell · 18/04/2018 23:03

I don't doubt for a minute that there are happy, free, well paid women working in the sex industry. But there are many who aren't. And until we can unequivocally tell the difference the only option which ensures doing no harm is not using porn at all. This is not a moral judgement about sex, sexuality "kink" or anything. It's about not contributing to the exploitation of women.

Notthemessiah · 18/04/2018 23:19

Hold on. Didn't you just say in your post before last that women involved in porn (not sure if you meant making or watching) were colluding with and enabling men to commodify women's bodies? So they are happy, free but what? Still male puppets? Letting all women down? Shouldn't be doing it freely and happily?

tiddliewinkiewoo · 18/04/2018 23:22

BertrandRussell Wed 18-Apr-18 23:03:42
I don't doubt for a minute that there are happy, free, well paid women working in the sex industry. But there are many who aren't. And until we can unequivocally tell the difference the only option which ensures doing no harm is not using porn at all. This is not a moral judgement about sex, sexuality "kink" or anything. It's about not contributing to the exploitation of women.

Not using porn at all is therefore denying those that choose that profession the right to earn an honest living.

Surely governments etc should ensure that something that is legal isn't tolerated whereby it's found that people are coerced - furthermore , greater penalties for those found to traffic women, co-erce women (and men to be fair) into the sex trade.

I just think your stance bertrand that all sex work is a woman 'abused' wrong. As I previously said, my cousin is in the adult industry, a 'rabid' feminist and my stance is how dare you deem her profession immoral.

BertrandRussell · 18/04/2018 23:31

“I just think your stance bertrand that all sex work is a woman 'abused' wrong. As I previously said, my cousin is in the adult industry, a 'rabid' feminist and my stance is how dare you deem her profession immoral“

I don’t think that all workers in the sex industry are abused. As I said very clearly about 10 minutes ago.

tiddliewinkiewoo · 18/04/2018 23:36

But you've used to terms 'most' and ridiculed a poster who came on as an adult worker and gave her POV?

CuckingFunt1987 · 18/04/2018 23:39

Omg you have way over reacted

BertrandRussell · 18/04/2018 23:44

I didn’t ridicule her. I just pointed out that there seem to be an awful lot of Belle de Jour type sex workers who pop up up on porn threads to say how wonderful their lives are. Which does not reflect the majority of the sex trade at all.

tiddliewinkiewoo · 18/04/2018 23:55

Can I ask what experience you have of the sex trade? As from family experience it isn't what you've said. Certainly not belle de jour - my cousin DOES have a wonderful life and chooses to work in the adult industry as lots of women do - I don't disagree that there is a proportion of women that are trafficed and it needs stamped out - what I do disagree with is you claiming pornography is immoral and something to be ashamed of - IMO it isn't, and IME my cousin earns an attractive salary from it and is fully willing.

LemonysSnicket · 19/04/2018 00:18

I watch lesbian porn and I have male BF of 5 years ... I’ll go burn myself in hell. Ridiculous.

Do you tell him you don’t like porn or just like being ridiculous?

LemonysSnicket · 19/04/2018 00:20

Don’t lie - your daughter seeing it isn’t the problem.

BertrandRussell · 19/04/2018 00:22

"what I do disagree with is you claiming pornography is immoral and something to be ashamed of"

I don't think I have, have I?

RoderickRules · 19/04/2018 00:25

It’s supply and demand.
No demand.
No need to supply.
Where women and children (and some men) are trafficked exploited and abused there should be zero tolerance.

It’s not a healthy activity when almost 90% of porn contains violence to women.

It’s indefensible and has no place in a healthy society.

I actually can’t believe people are arguing on here with (weak) pro-porn arguments.