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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

853 replies

JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:03

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

OP posts:
SickofThomasTheTank · 19/04/2018 00:51

@U2HasTheEdge ShockShockShockYou would actually end your marriage because your husband watched a bit of Porn? Are you insane?!?! If you're not exaggerating then you cannot possibly genuinely love your husband that much. Not really. That's crazy

Sk1208 · 19/04/2018 01:00

U are being reasonable and he probably knows that u don’t tolerate it so u have the right to b upset and feel cheated. Just don’t divorce him over it, try explain how u feel and how it’s against ur morals and try establish common moral grounds

Sallystyle · 19/04/2018 01:00

Yes I would.

Because it would make him a liar and a hypocrite for a start.

I happen to think he would be the crazy one watching it, knowing where I stand on it and all.

I love him very much indeed, but it isn't something I would tolerate. It would be a total turn off too, knowing he is getting off on the exploitation of women.

Having boundaries doesn't mean you don't love someone enough. He knows it would be the end, so if he watched it then he has made the decision that porn is more important than our marriage.

I'm not crazy or insane. Thankfully he has no interest in it and I don't think it's a hardship for a man not to use porn.

KittyKattyKoo · 19/04/2018 01:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieFlatline · 19/04/2018 04:45

Comparing a footage of a potential human trafficking and/or rape victim to a vibrator. Ohhkaaayyyy.

And no, not all men watch it.

These threads are always full of a mixture of misogynists defending porn and misandrists defending the low bar for male behaviour.

Helmetbymidnight · 19/04/2018 06:28

'But there's this thing called a sex drive isn't there and you might not have heard this but this makes people want to have sex! Crazy right, You can't stop a sex drive!!! What this has to do with porn I've no bloody idea but I like talking about sex and porn as if they are exactly the same thing probably because for me they are.'

coconuttella · 19/04/2018 06:37

It’s not a healthy activity when almost 90% of porn contains violence to women.

Where do you get that figure from? I’d be interested if those do watch porn find this a believable stat (I have watched a little myself but not enough to really gauge). I suppose it could come down to what is considered ‘violence’. I’m guessing it’s a stat pulled by anti-porn group so defines ‘violence’ as broadly as possible in order to make their point (e.g. bottom slapping as part of foreplay).

bottleofredplease · 19/04/2018 06:41

I have no idea why so many women are brainwashed to think it's fine, it is violent and young men are being more and more violent during sex. My DP never watches it 100% sure. He is brilliant in bed. Come on women - stop trying to be cool with it.

coconuttella · 19/04/2018 06:42

But there's this thing called a sex drive isn't there and you might not have heard this but this makes people want to have sex!

This is dangerous... it’s this talk of an unstoppable sex drive that’s used by those who justify rape. The poster may not be advocating this but the logic is consistent with it (ie we have a sex drive, not just a want, so it must be catered to on our terms - in this instance via porn).

coconuttella · 19/04/2018 06:43

I have no idea why so many women are brainwashed to think it's fine

I think many women like it to rather than just tolerate their DP using it.

bottleofredplease · 19/04/2018 06:47

I think many women like it to rather than just tolerate their DP using it.

What like watching women be abused? nice Hmm

coconuttella · 19/04/2018 07:07

What like watching women be abused? nice

Porn is watching people engaging in a range of sexual activity... Abuse does sadly feature in some of it, but even in my limited experience there’s plenty that you’d find hard to categorise as abuse.

coconuttella · 19/04/2018 07:16

I think the answer is a much more regulated set up for porn. Basically where porn produced to high ethical standards is permitted. I realise that might be an oxymoron to some but i think those virulently anti-porn should recognise from the alcohol prohibition period in the US that seeking to ban something you may morally disapprove of but which many others find acceptable has consequences that end up damaging the vulnerable. Far better that we accept that many people really like porn and allow them to access that in a controlled and regulated way, ensuring that those making the porn are protected and given rights, then those continuing to make stuff outside those rules are marginalised and criminalised. That’s the best way to ensure abuse in porn is tackled imo.

bottleofredplease · 19/04/2018 07:28

Titles for porn clips on pornhub

Daddy bangs stepdaughter in tight pussy

Watch her gaping asshole being fucked

Bitch fucked in both holes by massive cocks

Most of it seems to be incest, degradation and pain to women. However you might like to think about it, it is seriously changing how young men and women treat each other with women being treated as objects, there is very little foreplay for the women who are being fucked supposedly by their dad, brother, teacher etc.

JAPAB · 19/04/2018 07:33

The poster may not be advocating this but the logic is consistent with it (ie we have a sex drive, not just a want, so it must be catered to on our terms - in this instance via porn).

You seem to have read an argument that wasn't made. The sex drive stuff camne up as a response to a claim that no-one "needs" porn.

If a Catholic priest asserts that no-one "needs" to have recreational sex, and this is disputed because the sex drive thingy some people have does makes it a need, then thid is no morr or less than a dispute over the need claim.

Of course a need in and of itself does not provide its own justification.

RoderickRules · 19/04/2018 07:34

@cocnutella I got the statistic from Rape Crisis.
Hard to believe isn’t it.

rapecrisis.org.uk/pdfs/4043_evaw-briefing-on-porn-and-vawg.pdf

RoderickRules · 19/04/2018 07:35

@JAPAB we are saying no one needs porn, you are talking about recreational sex and priests.

DFOD.

bottleofredplease · 19/04/2018 07:37

86% of sites advertised content involving the rape of under 18s
46% of sites advertised rape content involving incest
43% of sites advertised rape content where the victim is unconscious
Within the free videos available on these sites:
82% of perpetrators used restraint by force
48% of victims were choked/hit/punched/kicked/slapped/had their hair pulled 18% of victims were gagged
12% of perpetrators used a knife or gun
12% of victims were bound
77% of victims showed signs of visible distress
68% of victims expressed pain

bottleofredplease · 19/04/2018 07:39

But it's cool, everyone does it Hmm

What the hell kind of society do you want to live in?

coconuttella · 19/04/2018 07:46

bottleofredplease

Those titles are disturbing and did put me off my breakfast somewhat. I’d be interested to know whether those women on here who like porn watch that kind of stuff? I’m guessing not but MN never ceases to amaze me.

I also wonder whether 90% of those who watch porn watch the 90% of porn that’s violent. I’m guessing not and most are appalled at it (though maybe I’m just naive!) If so, that’s all the more reason we need regulation to stop the porn industry being like the Wild West, and to separate the sex from the abuse.

BertrandRussell · 19/04/2018 08:02

"You would actually end your marriage because your husband watched a bit of Porn? Are you insane?!?!"
I wouldn't end my marriage-if I had one-because my husband watched a bit of porn. I would end my marriage because he had turned out not to be the man I thought he was.

JAPAB · 19/04/2018 08:03

86% of sites advertised content involving the rape of under 18s

Blimey. I somehow get the feeling that this comes from interpreting "teen" to mean "underage", and so any form of sexual activity becomes statutory rape.

BertrandRussell · 19/04/2018 08:26

Just wondering what might cause a man to use "teen" as a search term when choosing his porn....Anyone got any ideas?

JAPAB · 19/04/2018 09:08

so defines ‘violence’ as broadly as possible in order to make their point (e.g. bottom slapping as part of foreplay).

Very possibly. And also any video that has the word fucked in its title.

coconuttella · 19/04/2018 09:17

Just wondering what might cause a man to use "teen" as a search term when choosing his porn....Anyone got any ideas?

It’s an unhelpfully ambiguous. If someone wants to view porn containing young adults, and knowing there is a certificate of authenticity on mainstream sites confirming the age of the participants that he would reasonably expect to filter out anything illegal or underage, then this would be a natural thing for them to enter into a search. This would be legal even if you may find it immoral and disgusting.

On the other hand, the same defense could be a used by someone actually looking for material showing much younger girls. If challenged they could say they were only actually looking for the legal stuff.

If I were designing the regulations that I think are needed, I’d prohibit use of that term as a search criteria on sites given its ambiguity.