Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

853 replies

JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:03

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

OP posts:
Blaablaablaa · 17/04/2018 18:19

@diandra ignorance does not justify racism.

And yes you literally can (and are)

DiandraReynolds · 17/04/2018 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Greenyogagirl · 17/04/2018 18:27

Maybe you should think about what you write before spouting racist stuff and calling it funny?

BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy · 17/04/2018 18:27

And anyway, I'm actually an ethnic minority so literally can't be a racist.

Face palm 🤦‍♂️

Blaablaablaa · 17/04/2018 18:28

@diandra I know of Critical Race Theory and I'm really struggling to see the correlation between What you're saying and CRT

hdh747 · 17/04/2018 18:30

To the poster who compares porn to reading erotica - doesn't matter whether it's a man or woman doing either - NO prostitutes have been harmed by the writing or reading of FICTION ever. Unless someone knows better, in which case correct me.
That is just not true for PORN.
People keep saying, 'oh it's porn, it's only fantasy' - except that the people are REAL, the sex is REAL. And sometime the abuse is REAL.
Now if you're ok with that, you're ok with it. But don't pretend it's a fantasy or in any way the same as reading a book.

What do you and hubby your partner like to do for hobbies? Well he/she likes to use prostitutes and I like to read. Yup, just the same...

willynillypie · 17/04/2018 18:39

DiandraReynolds

Come on, you have to be trolling!!! KFC value bucket role play?!?!?!

PhilomenaCunks · 17/04/2018 19:14

Is the KFC and wigs some Always Sunny bit I forgot about?

Justalittlelemondrizzle · 17/04/2018 19:49

YABVU. Nothing wrong with porn. Dh watches it. I watch it. We watch it together. It was never an issue, there was never a conversation about it. I don't get what the big deal is?

Your DH obviously felt he had nothing to hide if he left his phone with you. Especially as he knew you were looking in the file where the porn was.

In your OP you come across as a bit controlling and abusive.

MsSquiz · 17/04/2018 20:35

@Italiangreyhound my assumption is not that porn is normal, I make no assumptions when on the topic of porn as everyone regards it differently. Some people put it in the same category as strip clubs or cheating, some people don't.

My point was more that you cannot assume everyone will think of porn in the same way as you do. And if I felt as strongly as the OP seems to (by way of throwing a drink at her husband and asking him to leave) I would have made that explicitly clear from early on in a relationship. Just as I would with my thoughts on children or marriage.

I would find it strange to have been with someone for years and to have never had some discussion in some form about watching porn.

Italiangreyhound · 17/04/2018 21:23

@MsSquiz "I would find it strange to have been with someone for years and to have never had some discussion in some form about watching porn."

To some extent I agree with you. And, if one believes that most men watch porn fairly regularly, then in some ways it might mean one does need to specially say, I find it unacceptable.

However, if one does not think most men regularly watch porn then some women may not assume they need to specifically to say it.

I guess also it may depend on the 'type' of porn, some may say some things are acceptable, others are not.

Plus I've not read every single post, kind of checked out until you tagged me in, so I don't know if they did ever have this conversation. Maybe she did express some dislike of porn and he ignored it, or maybe he did say he 'used/watched/enjoyed' porn and she ignored it.

Anyway, I just always find these threads where loads of people jump on to tell the OP they are being unacceptable for not accepting porn, just yukky! So I've hidden the thread!

seventh · 18/04/2018 07:28

I'm on here for help

I don't think you are. I think you started this thread to get corroboration of your actions and reaction.

In the main you haven't got that - most of us think you completely over reacted and are strange.

So now you've left the thread Confused Hmm

Janniohlosty123 · 18/04/2018 07:34

There are many women working against there will in other industries. Shall I just not leave my house in case I meet one and support it?

Simply the OP assaulted her husband. We can all see that. Watching open may be wrong to some but at the end of the day does that give anyone the right to throw water at someone and force them out the house and make them stay in a hotel when they did nothing wrong.

BertrandRussell · 18/04/2018 08:35

"There are many women working against there will in other industries. Shall I just not leave my house in case I meet one and support it?"

Presumably you do everything you can to make sure you aren't supporting it? It's quite hard with some industries because, for example, people need clothes and may not be able to afford to buy the ones that are guaranteed to be exploitation free. But nobody needs porn. So it's easy to be sure you're not contributing to exploitation, trafficking and abuse. Just stop using it. Sorted.

RoderickRules · 18/04/2018 15:40

@Janniolosty123
So concerned about he ‘abuse’ of a man getting a glass of water thrown in his face, not so concerned about the abuse of millions of women and deaths of some caused by the porn industry?

The irony!

So desensitised to the abuse and suffering of women.

Shame you all don’t defend women’s humanity with the same vigour that you defend porn.

Notthemessiah · 18/04/2018 16:07

It's quite possible to find ethically produced, non-exploitative porn in fairly much the same way you'd find ethically produced clothes or food - by doing a bit of research.

RoderickRules · 18/04/2018 16:13

But we all need to eat, to dress.

We don’t need to look at other peoples genetalia.
That’s the point.

Janniohlosty123 · 18/04/2018 16:23

I'm not defending porn however it is legal whereas assaulting someone is not.

forcryinoutloud · 18/04/2018 16:41

JerryLarry, YANBU, I would have been upset if I found this, it is not ok with me, doesn't he mind if your DC get hold of his phone at all?

Also , I'm a bit Shock at all the posters who thinking someone having a glass of water (water, not acid and no broken glass Confused) thrown on them is so much worse than what is viewed in porn. Anyone would think it is the worse most aggressive thing you could do to your partner. This is a thinly disguised way of those advocating porn to make you look like you were the one in the wrong. Sure perhaps you could have reacted better but you were upset so cut yourself some slack.

Hope things work out for you with your DH the best way.

JAPAB · 18/04/2018 17:09

But nobody needs porn.

Not in the way we need food or oxygen, but then we don't need any form of sexial activity at all. But, well, for some people there is a reason it is called the sex drive and not the sex like, which is probably why attempting to tackle the problems within a specific activity by preaching abstinence usually fail.

BertrandRussell · 18/04/2018 17:23

I’m not preaching abstinence. I am preaching not using porn unless you are completely sure that the people you are watching are fully consenting, and not trafficked, exploited or vulnerable. Not a complicated concept, I would have thought.

Helmetbymidnight · 18/04/2018 17:39

. But, well, for some people there is a reason it is called the sex drive and not the sex like, which is probably why attempting to tackle the problems within a specific activity by preaching abstinence usually...

??

What are you going on about?

RoderickRules · 18/04/2018 17:43

@JAPAB the drive is to procreate.

When the drive exceeds its intended purpose, it becomes defective.
Like when the drive to eat causes obesity.
Or to be secure causes us to hoard.
Or to procreate, causes us to compromise other people’s well-being/our own integrity and morality.

It’s fine to make these selfish decisions if others are not involved, but women have died in this industry, and lives and relationships are ruined.

RatRolyPoly · 18/04/2018 17:46

Any porn users on here, I strongly urge you to take a sceptical approach to the porn you consume. Please try to be ethical - think about the bigger picture! There are a good number of "couples" social media sites and private picture/video sharing sites where real couples can share photos and videos willingly and obviously consentingly with others, where all parties actively address the camera and indicate their consent for the content to be shared.

If people really really think porn has a place in their lives I don't think it's acceptable to bury your heads about the pitfalls, and everyone should actively be trying to minimise the very obvious harm.

BuggerBugger · 18/04/2018 17:50

RoderickRules

So on that basis, with a population of nearly 7 billion, women should look to suppress their need to have children?