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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh ordering medication online

669 replies

meadowposy · 15/04/2018 11:46

I've found out about it because he's doing it through my name.

I don't know what to think about it and I'm asking here... Are these sites always dodgy? I can't talk to him about it as he tells me to be quiet and I don't know what I am talking about.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 15/04/2018 13:20

Can he not go to NA anonymously ? Has he not got support at work for this ? He won't be the first or last

louisiana30 · 15/04/2018 13:20

OP you do know what you need to do but it seems like you are too scared of him to do what needs to be done.

He has made you lie to get drugs and he is ordering online in your name. So for someone on the outside looking in its you that has the problem.

You need to honestly decide what matters most to you
-you partner
-or your children

Because you are on course to lose one

LimonViola · 15/04/2018 13:21

You are enabling him.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 15/04/2018 13:21

I agree with a previous poster, you came here to ask for help, but then shoot down absolutely every suggestion.

You are making as many excuses for him as he has made for himself to you.

I doubt you'll do any of the things people have suggested in here, you won't seek out help, you'll just bury your head in the sand and hope he suddenly stops.

I realy do hope for your sake and that of your children, that this doesn't end catastrophically, but it feels inevitable that it will.

Will you be able to look in the mirror,, look yourself in the eye, and honestly beleive you couldn't have done something to prevent it?

namechangeforthisone2018 · 15/04/2018 13:21

@meadowposy, I'm sorry you're going through this. I've name changed as this is potentially outing. Agree this is potentially serious offence, especially if he works in healthcare and is illegally ordering drugs, may be in violation of professional codes and likely putting patients at risk.

More worrying is the combinations he's using: narcotics plus muscle relaxers plus benzodiazapenes (diazepam) plus pregabalin, which potentiates all of them. He is massively addicted and setting himself up for respiratory depression and an overdose, particularly if he also drinks alcohol. And if he's combining this many tablets, it may not be long until he's crushing them to snort or inject to achieve the same sort of high. I know that you think this won't affect your DCs, but it does and will. My BF was in the same position, and her DD walked in on dad overdosed in the lounge. Even without that sort of worst case scenario, the DCs can always sense tension and why dad isn't attentive.

I have been in a relationship with an addict and the best thing I did was to leave. It's bloody hard but you deserve better, as do your DC. Nothing you can do now will stop him or save him but I would recommend you look into counselling for yourself and the DC, start talking to friends and family and making an exit plan for the safety of yourself and your DC.

Flowers
Oldraver · 15/04/2018 13:21

If he's taking a shit load of OTC codeine, presumably then he could also be at risk of overdosing on paracetemol/ibuprofen

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/04/2018 13:22

I used to take pregablin for chronic pain. I stopped because of the side effects. It wasn’t easy coming off. I had a whole bunch of different side effects.

You know there is an issue. And it’s one you cannot tackle as a couple. You’re burying your head in the sand if you think you can. What is it going to take to make different decisions?

CrochetBelle · 15/04/2018 13:23

Would you stick around if he was shooting up heroin?

Dobbythesockelf · 15/04/2018 13:23

I doubt he is going to quit the codeine anytime soon and if he does it sounds like he is just substituting it with another drug. You may not think it is affecting your kids but I promise you it is.
Forget about safeguarding issues with his job etc and focus on you and your children. Do you want to spend the next however many years being yelled at and blamed for things because he can't get his fix, do you want your kids to think it's normal for a dad to spend all his time searching for drugs, locking himself in his office and being volatile? What happens if he accidently overdoses and your kids see? No one can help him if he doesn't want help but you can help yourself and your children get away from a person who is ultimately a drug addict who will eventually choose drugs over you if he hasn't already.

LimonViola · 15/04/2018 13:24

Oldraver Seasoned codeine dependents use the cold water extraction technique to get the codeine separated from the paracetamol/ibuprofen.

Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 13:24

Please believe me Jill - I am not trying to do that. I am very grateful for all the support as I know it is fuelled by real kindness even with harsh responses.

But I am very ill too. I cannot care for the children alone, I need support which means paid support which means we need money.

It's a mess. I know.

OP posts:
Juells · 15/04/2018 13:25

Her children will be taken into care if any of this comes out, as it looks like she's the addict.

Still no word about why she can't claim child benefit, or did I miss it? The thread is moving fast...

CapnHaddock · 15/04/2018 13:25

I'd imagine he's doing cold water extraction if he's taking that much.

The only thing you can do OP is leave or kick him out. That's how addiction works. He won't stop until he admits he has a problem and until you stop supporting him in his addiction. The way you're going now, he's going to end up dead and you're going to end up in court.

category12 · 15/04/2018 13:25

Something's got to give, OP.

Anyway, if I were you, as a small step I'd start getting Child Benefit paid to you - he'll pay it back, but it'll cover you for your NI contributions. And it will give a little bit of money that is yours.

I'd think about going back to work.

And I'd get in contact with AdFam. www.adfam.org.uk/families/what_should_i_do/where_do_i_get_the_help_i_need

Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 13:25

He does crush them.ive only seen it once but he uses a sort of bag to crush the codeine.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 15/04/2018 13:27

What do you want to do? You are currently heading up shit creek and it would appear you don't even have a paddle to push back the tide.

You're not working. Are you able to rejoin the workforce? Could you cope without his income because you will need to start considering how you'll survive when this invariably goes to shit. Addicts can cope and stay afloat but will almost always crash down. If the survival of you and your children is tied to him then all of you will sink. It's time to start thinking pragmatically. He does need to seek treatment for his addiction but you have a separate duty to yourself and your children.

This isn't about him using your name or a dodgy website. It is patently about the survival of your family.

Thehamsterspajamas · 15/04/2018 13:27

Your DPs addiction will take you and your DC down with him. That’s already happening as your life revolves about his frantic scrambling around to get his next fix.

His lies, temper, manipulation and desperation will ruin not just his physical and mental health but yours too and it’s already impacting your DC.

Living with an addict is no life. You are living with the addiction not the person. He is abusing you and implicating you and you are enabling him.

I would very rarely advise someone they need to leave but you do need to leave. If he is serious about beating his addiction this may be the wake up call he needs, but if, as I suspect he won’t or can’t get clean, you have no future together. Or at least not a good one.

Does anyone in RL know what’s going on. Do you have family or friends you could talk to and stay with? Are you able to work or if you left your DP would you be eligible to claim any benefits? I really feel for you. I honestly thought I couldn’t manage on my own after 23 years of living with my financially abusive ex but if I could have left sooner than I did there might have been some assets left to salvage before his problems got the better of him and he had squandered absolutely everything there was. I was in massive debt when I left but gradually I got my life back together. For my DCs sake I wish to high heaven I’d left many many years before I finally did. They suffered very badly.

Raven88 · 15/04/2018 13:28

He won't get help if you are enabling his behaviour. You won't want to hear this but leaving him and making him choose you or the medication might wake him up a bit. He needs professional help to deal with his addiction. He is illegally buying meds in your name which could get you a police record. I would contact his GP and the Pharmacists that are selling him codiene. Is he even taking the recommended dosage or is he over dosing because that can cause a build up in the liver and he could die. You need to act or your children might find their father dead. I'm sorry to be harsh. Also if he comes off an addictive substance with you and your children about be careful as he may become violent as coming off the medication without professional help he may go into psychosis.

Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 13:28

Vlad, my health is not great. I am very sick. I think I have been in denial but I don't know what to do. I'm also scared he may well try and take his own life and how could I live with myself if he did

OP posts:
Dobbythesockelf · 15/04/2018 13:29

If you are ill and will need help looking after your children then there are benefits, and charities etc that can point you in the direction of getting help. Nobody would let you and your children suffer other than your husband. This isn't about him or even you for that matter, it's about children being brought up in a house with a drug addict who I promise you will eventually choose his drugs over them and could very easily put them in a very dangerous situation.

HollowTalk · 15/04/2018 13:30

This is such a serious problem and tbh I feel for both of you. He sounds like he's in a terrible state and you must be driven crazy trying to cope with it. However, you are massively minimising the problem - maybe you have to in order to cope?

It's clear to most of us what kind of job he has and I imagine this is why he's so reluctant to seek help. I'm sure an investigation would reveal some really bad practice on his part and you must be worried that he'd lose his job as a result.

You can't go on like this, though. You're being sucked into illegal activities and you risk losing everything - not just him and your home (if he lost his job) but the children, too. You need to take action, even if you simply leave him and set up home elsewhere with the children.

LimonViola · 15/04/2018 13:31

So OP, based on the six pages so far, what advice are you considering implementing? Is there anything else you would like advice on?

DaisyDoo80 · 15/04/2018 13:31

This will not go away, it will get worse.

You feel you are stuck now, but allowing this to continue will intimately produce a catastrophe of some kind of another that will mean it has to be dealt with, but it is likely to be as an emergency response rather than a controlled one.

Your husband is a drug addict and you are enabling him.

If things usually end up in a row, write him a letter and ask him to read it whilst you go out for a couple of hours.

He is not making any attempt to quit, I can pretty much guarantee that despite him telling you things to the contrary. You know it too. He will not be able to do this without professional help.

HollowTalk · 15/04/2018 13:32

It sounds as though he needs a long time in rehab. Would he consider that?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 15/04/2018 13:32

Is there any way you could have him comitted to a hospital for his own safety? IF you think he is in danger of attempting suicide of you left him, A and E has crisis teams for mental health issues

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