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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh ordering medication online

669 replies

meadowposy · 15/04/2018 11:46

I've found out about it because he's doing it through my name.

I don't know what to think about it and I'm asking here... Are these sites always dodgy? I can't talk to him about it as he tells me to be quiet and I don't know what I am talking about.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 16/04/2018 07:58

@meadowposy You need to call Women's Aid https://www.womensaid.org.uk

I'd also highly recommend you read this whilst you're in hospital.

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/lwdonline/lwd/i02.htm

It's the online version of the book Living with the Dominator. See if you recognise DH. I'd put money on you thinking Pat Craven has met him.

I know lots of people are saying "I'd never allow that, kick him out, do this, do that" but it's not that easy is it? He's done a real number on you over the last few years.

But just because he's not hitting you, it doesn't mean he isn't an abuser. And you and your kids will be suffering even more than you realise.

It doesn't have to be this way

CommanderDaisy · 16/04/2018 08:12

I feel very sorry for you here. But you are being very, very foolish to even think of consider allowing things to continue as they are.

Because as it stands on paper - you are the junkie, not him.

Change cards so he can't by drugs in your name- remove the credit/debit part of it, close open a cash card only. Anything.
Should you break up and there is a dispute about custody/maintenanc all the drugs are in your name. If you want to leave him at any point, he can happily prove YOU are the junkie not him due to the long, long list of medication you are "taking". Consider that.

Some other things to think about.

First off - if he kills himself because you try to get help for him , what is the difference from the slow suicide he is currently committing also faciliated by you? I would say, there's no difference at all - in fact thins way of death is more on you because you are actively helping him obtain the drugs.

The points made by previous posters regarding your children are valid. You are allowing a seriously addicted individual to care for your children and you are aware of the addiction. You are in fact, aiding him to hide and continue this addiction.

If he is so far gone that he has the shakes, then it is INSANE to even think that it would be medically safe for him to attempt to detox on his own. His liver doesn't need more drugs (lyrica) it needs less, and someone would has been addicted for that long cannot , swap out the codeine with Lyrica for 5-7 days and everything will be hunky dory. He needs full time residential care and a medically supervised detox. He will be sick.
Why would you allow your children to witness this?

Your children are going to go back to school and when friends ask them what they did on holidays it'll be " Mum drove us to multiple chemists so Dad could go in everyday" . Or are they too young to notice, and that's okay then.

That you know he's off his head all the time, yet has a role where being on drugs is a problem, makes me think he's in a position of responsibility to the public in some way. Does that not make you feel sick, knowing you are condoning and supporting a man working in this situation when you know he's not capable and could do serious harm to someone?

I do feel for you, but you are burying your head in the sand badly.
As a first step, cancel your card and get another that has no credit facilities. Get your name off all this shit. Tell him to open his own Paypal

Do something though, because he will die if you don't. If you actually love him, get him some help.

ilovesooty · 16/04/2018 08:18

That seems like a useful link from Tweenage

Good luck.

Isetan · 16/04/2018 08:42

There is no way that this is going to go away or be resolved on the down low, your choices are get ahead of the curve and swallow the bitter pill now or, wait for the indiscriminate fall out from the explosion.

Right now you’re both prioritising his addiction above what is heathy for you, your children and the general public.

leafblower · 16/04/2018 08:42

If you love him as you say you do then take action and help him, yourself and your children.

By doing nothing you aren't acting like you love any of you.

mummymeister · 16/04/2018 09:21

thank you LimonViola. that is a really interesting post.

SimplySteve · 16/04/2018 09:50

Pregabalin is easy abused, combine it with an opiate or a benzodiazepine and you have serious problems.

Just as fentanyl is the new heroin in the drug world, Pregabalin is being sought because you need very little of it to create a high. However, using pregabalin to create a high puts more pressure and strain on your heart and your brain - hindering cognitive abilities, and there have been many unreported deaths as a result - with or without a drug combination.

Abusing pregabalin not only creates a high - but it causes shakes, loss of balance, "brain zaps", speech impairment, mobility impairment and brain impairment so you are not aware of what you are doing.

It's used to treat seizures (epilepsy predominantly), and to treat chronic joint pain (similar to gabapentin - which interestingly creates the same high although you need far, far more of it).

So, if it's prescribed (and it's a POM, with talk of raising it to be a CD), you need to find out what condition your hubby has, and why he's taking it.

SimplySteve · 16/04/2018 09:51

Sorry, forgot to add. Even if he's getting paracetamol prescribed, doing it in your name is highly, highly illegal. It's rather difficult to get prescribed pregabalin, so I'd be wondering just how he's acquiring a px, in your name, for it....

mummymeister · 16/04/2018 09:54

I think you need to read the full thread SimplySteve. he is a drug addict. its not prescribed. He is buying it from online sites.

SimplySteve · 16/04/2018 09:55

Just to add, I have very personal experience of pregabalin, coupled with tramadol and diazepam.

montenotte · 16/04/2018 10:02

I can see how you're completely overwhelmed with all of this meadowposy.

if you can only do ONE thing at the moment then your step 1 has to be to stop your dh using your card/your name to get his fix.

it makes you implicit
if SS gets involved you will have to prove you are not the drug addict / dealer / supplier.
it's actually abuse from him to you

He will show his true colours / love for you when you tell him you will no longer enable him this way. If he understands, breaks down, talks to his employer/helpline, goes to rehab you may have a future.

Any threats of killing himself - he is doing it anyway.

SimplySteve · 16/04/2018 10:05

Sorry, still working through the thread.

As you know about all this you need to get out of the relationship with your children. There's going to be a fallout from all this, and you'd be best away from it.

AFAIK, you can only buy codeine OTC as co-codamol (paracetamol/codeine). If he's abusing those then he is rapidly fucking his liver. Do you want your kids to see a dead father?

@LimonViola makes good points, as do many others. You could easily be held culpable with drugs being ordered in your name, and being fully aware of the situation.

Social Services would be a good start along with GP for you. Please don't hesitate.

Ellie56 · 16/04/2018 10:22

Meadow Cancel that credit card today. Now.

SimplySteve · 16/04/2018 10:41

@LimonViola

"Once you've been dependent on opiates you've rewired your brain to see the euphoria from them as the best possible feeling you can ever have, an instant way of reducing all emotional pain, forgetting your problems, it's a warm safe blanket that makes you feel amazing, eases loneliness, takes away anxiety and makes you feel like you can conquer the world. You have a way of guaranteeing that each day you will feel not only happy but euphoric, instead of the pre opiate days where you have good and bad days and have to do difficult stuff like exercise and making effort with friends and eating right to maintain a good mood. Anything you used to do to feel happy that took effort can now be bypassed. People will rob, cheat, assault, to get that feeling back."

Bang on, brilliant post.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/04/2018 12:41

I've been dependant on opiates after surgery going badly wrong... hideous... You can't think straight and feel foggy.

I do really feel for you OP... Sorry you're not well and hope you're through it soon...

But... What others say is true... You're in a cleft stick..... Do nothing - the addiction will worsen and damage his body and functioning, maybe he'll intentionally or not kill himself... What a horrible thing for you and your family....
Professionally - if he's lucky he'll get reported before he causes a major incident/accident with a blameless member of the public!

If you do nothing you may get reported to social services, from your children's school or Nanny. They will notice there are differences in their behaviour even in small children.

As others have said SSD will see everything in a very stark way... You've known if his addiction and you've left small kids with him...

if there were any accidents as a result of drug usage...your name has been used...

Unless you can show coercive control or some such... It doesn't look good!

Sorry OP

GabsAlot · 16/04/2018 12:43

i was wondering about the nanny does she know does he make her go and get pils?

its all going to come out soon and it might not benefit you if youre not the one to report him

Original poster

meadowposy · 16/04/2018 12:52

I want to give him a chance to come off the opiates using the pregabalin. If I don't and back him onto a corner he will forever say he could have come off it if it wasn't for me.

OP posts:

SimplySteve · 16/04/2018 12:54

It would be far better for him to come off the Pregabalin first. It's far more dangerous assuming he's taking 1000mg+ a day, that's without taking method of delivery into account.

You're minimising his actions still.

LoniceraJaponica · 16/04/2018 13:03

meadowposy please take a minute to reread and digest LimonViola's really informative posts.

By doing nothing you are complicit and enabling his behaviour. At least seek advice from the agencies who can help you:

Adfam
Addictions and Recovery
Famanon
Nar-Anon

Ellie56 · 16/04/2018 13:05

I want to give him a chance to come off the opiates using the pregabalin. If I don't and back him onto a corner he will forever say he could have come off it if it wasn't for me.

And you're answer is, "No you wouldn't. You're an addict. I'm not prepared to put up with this shit any longer. It's not fair on me or the kids."

Thehamsterspajamas · 16/04/2018 13:06

The thing is if he spent a lot of time driving round pharmacies on holiday to get hold of codeine then it seems to suggest he isn’t able to come off opiates.

What you say about giving him a chance to come off them or he will forever blame you for backing him into a corner is irrelevant. Many addicts just can’t accept responsibility for what they are doing and will always blame those around them for doing or not doing things that would have allowed them to get clean. The fact is your DP can forever blame you but that doesn’t mean you are to blame. The addiction is his and his alone and those around him are not responsible for either the addiction or for any rehab attempts.

Ellie56 · 16/04/2018 13:06

Sorry that should have been your. Why doesn't MN have an edit button?

Bumshkawahwah · 16/04/2018 13:08

OP, no matter what you do, he is liable to blame you. Addicts are not great at taking personal responsibility. So whatever he says or is saying to put any of this on you, please pay no heed. Not one iota of this is your fault.

You are having a pretty fucking awful time with s husband who is treating his family like crap - have you turned to drugs? No!

LoniceraJaponica · 16/04/2018 13:19

It strikes me that you don't really understand addiction. You husband can make all the promises in the world, but he won't come off the drugs unless he really wants to and seeks professional help.

Giving him time to come of the opiates using pregabalin just won't work. Please seek some support when you come out of hospital.

Is the nanny a live in nanny or are the children left with the junkie on their own all night?

Isetan · 16/04/2018 14:00

Your H is not in control, his addiction is, which means you are not helping but enabling.

I hope your denial doesn't lead to your children losing both their parents.

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