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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dh ordering medication online

669 replies

meadowposy · 15/04/2018 11:46

I've found out about it because he's doing it through my name.

I don't know what to think about it and I'm asking here... Are these sites always dodgy? I can't talk to him about it as he tells me to be quiet and I don't know what I am talking about.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 15/04/2018 17:44

The OP will either disappear, or this thread will go poof because she's persuaded HQ that it's too identifying.

I do hope HQ don't remove it, there is great advice on here and even if the OP isn't willing to take further action and live up to her responsibilities as a parent, others may benefit from the info.

Let's hope the OP reflects on what's been advised, realises we have no malice towards her, but then takes the necessary steps in RL to regain control of her life and safeguard her DC.

mummymeister · 15/04/2018 17:47

I feel sorry for people who leave their partners and strive to make the best of a crap job. I feel sorry people who he is treating who have no idea that they are being treated by a junkie. I feel most sorry for her kids growing up in this situation.

I don't feel sorry for a grown adult who knows that what is going on is wrong, who is complicit in a fraud and enabling someone to be a drug user.

I wish I had more faith in the Police, his employer and the pharmacies he undoubtedly visits to catch him and stop him before even more people are harmed.

I have spent my whole life surrounded by "poor me..." women who make no effort to deal with situations and bring children into this world to be brought up like this.

there is literally so much freely available freely accessible help out there that there really is no excuse. true the OP wont be able to afford a nanny but what price is she paying at the moment and what price are others paying and they don't even know.

JennyOnAPlate · 15/04/2018 17:48

This will all come crashing down around your ears op, it's just a question of when. Take control of the situation yourself.

You are failing to safeguard your own children.

ilovesooty · 15/04/2018 17:53

I do feel sorry for her as I suspect she's been involved in dysfunctional relationships for years and it's all she knows. She probably really thinks that if she pretends it isn't happening it will magically go away.

It won't.

meadowposy · 15/04/2018 17:55

Thank you

OP posts:
mummymeister · 15/04/2018 18:02

I like your optimism Daisychain but unfortunately I think its going to take police, her husbands employer or SS intervention before this OP does anything.

are you having another baby OP?

meadowposy · 15/04/2018 18:07

I'm finding you quite intimidating

Do you realise that?

OP posts:
mummymeister · 15/04/2018 18:10

because I am asking you questions you don't want to answer?

or because I am putting some inconvenient truths in front of you?

I don't even work for the Police or social services.

meadowposy · 15/04/2018 18:16

No, because you are trying to provoke me.

It's not helpful and it's causing me a lot of distress.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 15/04/2018 18:18

It seems very likely that the OP has no practical or emotional support as well - you'd have to be very harsh not to be sympathetic to that.

I just wish she could see that not doing anything will make things much much worse

mummymeister · 15/04/2018 18:22

provoke you into protecting your children from a junkie?
provoke you into protecting the people he treats from a junkie?

Yep, guilty as charged.

you are distressed because you have had your head buried in the sand, you lifted it up and have been confronted by just how utterly unacceptable his and your behaviour is.

when what you wanted was a nice woolly hug and a there, there, there, it will all be all right in the end.

You are an adult. you have a right to be both offended and upset. but you also have responsibilities to the children that you bought into this world. and I am sorry that I don't know who you are and that I can physically come and give you the help you need to deal with this.

but just as it is with an addict, only they can fix it, so it is with the enabler. only you can sort this out. stop being distressed and turn that emotion towards action. you are sitting there now surrounded by health professionals, stop one and talk to them. it is the best thing that you will ever do.

nothing changes, if nothing changes.

mummymeister · 15/04/2018 18:25

ilovesooty - loads of details on this thread about where the OP can go to get help and she comes back with semantics about drug addicts and drug takers.

if you think I am harsh then you cant of had many dealings with social services, or the children of addicts, or the court system and how they will view someone who knowingly allowed their partner to order drugs on line in their name. they really don't mess about with there there there's.

DoinItForTheKids · 15/04/2018 18:26

Nothing's as distressing as sitting in a family court hearing, in front of your ex husband, the words being read out 'left the children in the care of a known drug user'.

Well, there are worse things but you don't want to think about them, which to a certain extent I understand, but you DO need to think about them and realise the addicts (whatever they are addicted to) are some of the most damaging people you can be involved with, plus waste of time, because a great number of them say they want to get off their substance of choice, but they don't. Not really. You could lose 5 - 8 years of your life on that particular merry go round OP, you and your children, and at the end of it you have to split up anyway.

meadowposy · 15/04/2018 18:26

I'm still not sure what to do and I'm limited with what I can do here. Thank you ilovesooty

OP posts:
smurfy2015 · 15/04/2018 18:26

Ive read majority of the thread and wrote this as i went

When you ask him about it or try to talk to him, he goes defensive, he gets a hit from opiates and possibly a high to either get him thru the day or he is waiting until his next hit,

He is an addict and could be doing any number of things, you know he is taking codiene which he admits to be addicted to and pregablin helps, i have heard of many instances where to get a better hit its IVed, same with the codiene, tolerance builds, they cant get any more, they go into withdrawals, the anger bursts lash out (i know not in every single case but often), will lie, steal, prostitute themselves for the sake of a hit, (so you need to protect yourself that way too if you are DTD).

Could be mixing with other more available medications that are available in supermarkets or getting from "friends", the friends will never stick around if something goes wrong tho.

In the chance he was to OD have you ever heard of getting a OD kit, you dont have to give your details, go into a chemist if you like far from home explain someone you know is at risk and the training is less than 10 mins and they give you a kit to inject the person if they have possibly ODed on opiates, Ring 999 first before you do this as they will wake up in sudden withdrawal so will be quite angry but are likely to fall back down as drugs move around their system again, www.changegrowlive.org/get-help/advice-information/drugs-alcohol/naloxone-the-opioid-overdose-reversal-drug the kits should be free and "Naloxone takes 2-5 minutes to have an effect when injected into a muscle. The effects last for about 20 minutes. This means the use of naloxone can buy critical time while waiting for an ambulance to arrive" try and keep the person in the recovery position if possible, ive seen it that someone had to put body weight on top of them.

" As PP have said, people sometimes use pregabalin to assist with opiate withdrawal. Is he attempting some kind of home detox from the codeine? He needs to leave you out of it, but it doesn't sound like you feel you have any real ability to make that happen." - what @LimonViola said,

Out of interest does he do grocery shopping when he is out of house (Tesco, Asda, Sainsburys etc) as straight off I can think of a list of medications can purchase to potentiate or help take the edge off the withdrawals right in the medication section, Ah i just seen the visits to several chemists on way home from work or on holidays,

@FASH84 Nothing can happen from his side as you prob agree until he makes the decision for himself and is willing to take ownership of it

This is not a good environment for you op or child/ren and you need support, when i worked in detox and rehabilitation centre we all had to attend at least 1 anon type meeting per day every level of staff, inc the cleaners and catering right up to the Senior manager and all inbetween, there was only a small group temporary exemptions. as detoxing. For you if you dont feel up to tackling support for yourself face to face at this point but might in the future, can i recommend Families Anon who have groups online.

As @Slartybartfast says you are being supportive of him by challenging him because sitting patting his hand and telling him everything is going to be ok, is not really going to help in the bigger picture

"He does crush them.ive only seen it once but he uses a sort of bag to crush the codeine." if its just codiene then could a chance that its neurofen + he is buying and cutting and if crushing like that to a really fine powder i would be watching out for needles, wipes, sharps, tourniquet etc as when down to a power like that can be injected or snorted and it would be if he knew what he was doing (and i think he might) be getting pure codiene

My partner has been on maintenance prescribing (not methadone) but he is still an addict abeit in recovery, i didnt meet him till a year after he went on it, he has had one blip over the years where i saw things fall down and despite his reassurances that he had it under control he didnt realise i already had his family on board aware of what he was doing and it was the day he sat watching tv and went to inject his medication, i blew up, he grabbed the phone to ask someone to pick him up as he doesnt drive and i was going psycho at him leaving out a vital bit of information to which i picked up the other handset and spoke to his mum saying bring you and his dad,

He is very angry and irrational, he claimed i was encouraging him to inject as i bought him some syringes (his parents already knew that i had got the syringes as he was reusing the ones he had so that wasnt good, clean ones each time), he stomped out to the car with them never wanting to set eyes on me again,

As agreed with his mum who is his carer i rang his addiction key worker and explained the whole thing as we were well aware if he had to relay the incident it may get "lost in translation" to say the least, and he was called for an appt the next morning before he could pick up meds from the chemist.

About a week went past and with nobody enabling him and his parents doling his meds out exactly to him so he couldnt get anything else, he realised that nobody was going to enabling him and life would be a lot easier if he admitted he had fecked up, he knows if he does it again, im done. That blip was 2010 so he has done well since. Il be there for his family but i will not enable him or they wont either,

ilovesooty · 15/04/2018 18:36

mummymeister I have worked in criminal justice and with local drug services for many years.

It doesn't prevent me from acknowledging that the OP seems very isolated.

I have repeatedly said that she needs to act and things will be much worse if she doesn't so please don't attack my professional credentials.

meadowposy · 15/04/2018 18:42

Thank you. I just feel broken and terrified.

OP posts:
Efrig · 15/04/2018 18:52

Is he prescribing for patients? He could make an error and kill someone. All it takes is a moments lapse of concentration or a decimal point in the wrong place.

Someone’s loved one. Think about it. You will be involved as well because you knew what he was doing.

freshstart24 · 15/04/2018 18:53

OP you said "If dh had the medication prescribed be wouldn't be a drug user would he"

No doctor would prescribe this combination of medications , in these quantities, for this length of time or to someone who has the addiction issues of your husband.

It really truly honestly is completely different.

OpheliaStorm · 15/04/2018 18:59

OP, you have done nothing wrong YET...

Could I gently ask why you are hinting that you are powerless to do anything about the situation. I'm getting a vibe here, but I could be wrong.

Are you prepared to elaborate? There is something other than fear of leaving doing this to you I think. What is it, if you are prepared to say.

Otherwise all those who have tried to help are just repeating the same thing, and you are repeating the same answer.

I wish you well. You must deep down know that this cannot continue, but I suppose it is the fallout from doing something about it for you and your family is stopping you. Take heart, think it through, and decide what is best. But you know what that is don't you?

stuckinarutt · 15/04/2018 19:04

What website was it? Was it a dodgy one? Will your GP not get notified that he (or you since it's in your name) has been buying it?

meadowposy · 15/04/2018 19:10

I can't leave at the moment. Maybe ever I don't know. He's a mess and I know that, he tries to hold a hot drink and can't, but I have nowhere to go.

OP posts:
MoodyTwo · 15/04/2018 19:11

OP I'm so sorry for you !

Penfold007 · 15/04/2018 19:12

Meadow I really feel for you and your distress is palpable even on this forum. He's done a real number on you. You are enabling his life style choices and put very bluntly you are his supplier. When and not if this goes pear shaped you are in big trouble.

YearOfYouRemember · 15/04/2018 19:15

There are plenty of people on her who can and will help you and understand you are scared and worried. They will advise you what to do and help you through the process of leaving your H and protecting your DC. If that's what you want. If it's not what you want then I'm not sure why you started the thread. If it was just to be told it's fine what you're H is doing then you won't get that.

He's committing fraud.
He's a drug user.
He's abusing and controlling you.
He's not being a good father.

You can change your dcs future if you love them enough to do so.

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