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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh ordering medication online

669 replies

meadowposy · 15/04/2018 11:46

I've found out about it because he's doing it through my name.

I don't know what to think about it and I'm asking here... Are these sites always dodgy? I can't talk to him about it as he tells me to be quiet and I don't know what I am talking about.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 15/04/2018 15:54

I do understand that you are thinking of what is best for you and your kids, and indeed, the fact that your OH is addicted doesn't forcibly mean that he can't be a good father, at least better than what the alternative would be for the time being if you are yourself not able to care for them right now.

I do totally understand your dilemma. It is indeed easy for us to tell you to report him etc... Whether he would kill himself or not, nobody knows, yourself included, but I can understand your fear that this could happen.

You need someone to talk to OP, someone who will listen to you and not judge you, someone who understands all of your circumstances. Whatever you do, don't bury your head in the sand, the issue is unlikely to go away, and even if things appear to be ok, you do know that deep inside, they are not.

zebrano · 15/04/2018 15:54

I'm going to bow out now as this is all quite close to home.

You don't need to report him but you should withdraw your kids from the situation. They are statistically likely to end up addicts themselves if they grow up in this environment. It's a family curse. In 20 years you could have multiple addicts on your hands.

Please just read up on codependency. It really is the key here. It's not going to hurt you to read, is it? Good luck.

Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 15:54

It's not emotional blackmail. I swear. But thank you. He post over the page summarises things fairy I think.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 15/04/2018 15:58

You know your husband better than anyone and you are right not to undermine the possibility that he could end his life. Sadly, most people who do do suffer from an addition if not MH issues.

I really hope your OH wakes up soon to the fact that he has lost control of his addition, however much he thinks that due to his profession, he can manage it.

He11y · 15/04/2018 16:00

You don’t know he will kill himself - you strongly suspect he might, but you don’t know. That is just an excuse you are using to convince yourself you are doing the best for your children by enabling him. Fair enough if that’s what you want to do but don’t lie to yourself about the reasons.

The real reason is you are afraid of the unknown and that’s normal but right now your children are being harmed and your husband is going to kill himself at some point.

What you fear most will happen anyway if you don’t act. If you take control of the situation you and he have at least a chance of your lives changing for the better.

louisiana30 · 15/04/2018 16:00

So him saying he will kill himself if you leave isn’t blackmail???
If you honestly believe he is suicidal you need to get him seen by a mental health professional.

How old are your children?
They will be picking up on the fact something is wrong.

GnotherGnu · 15/04/2018 16:02

If he kills himself as a result of being reported, it would not be due to your actions: it would 100% be due to his addiction and his refusal to seek help with it. But I suspect that there may well be a degree of relief for him in the truth coming out and actually having to deal with the addiction rather than constantly saying it's something he will do sometime.

But what really concerns me is that you have said there is a safeguarding issue. That means that someone, possibly many people, are in danger as a direct result of what he is doing. Is it really acceptable to you that other people are being put in that position?

Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 16:02

No. I'm saying if it came out about the medication he would kill himself.

OP posts:
He11y · 15/04/2018 16:03

What did you hope to gain from this thread OP?

Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 16:03

No it's not gnoth but I am not taking or buying the medication.

OP posts:
Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 16:04

I don't know

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 15/04/2018 16:04

But you are buying the medication. It’s your bank card and your name. Can you prove otherwise? Can the police?

PinkyBlunder · 15/04/2018 16:06

I’m bowing out too. OP will not be changing her mind until her hand is forced.

2 things that won’t cost anything OP: finding out about co-dependency and phoning somewhere like Women’s Aid anonymously. Thy can tell you the facts to listen to, not the stuff you’re making up in your head. I don’t doubt for a minute that you won’t don’t it but that’s what you should be doing instead of posting on Mumsnet.

Good luck.

He11y · 15/04/2018 16:08

I think you are using this thread to convince yourself you are corect and not seeking a different view point or anything constructive for you or your family.

Bramble71 · 15/04/2018 16:08

I'd be very concerned in your position, OP. For some reason, people to see think that Pregabalin and Gabapentin will give them a real high and there's a huge, illegal market for it. If he's buying it in your name and then selling it, or should I say pushing it, you might end up in a whole heap of trouble.

It's hard to believe that this stuff is legit, but you never know. Crikey, OP. I don't know what to advise. Would you think of reporting the website to the Police as it's almost certainly not legal to sell this stuff.

BerkInBag · 15/04/2018 16:10

Haffiana is spot on.

He needs NA.
You might need CoDA.

You are both trapped and something needs to change.

HollowTalk · 15/04/2018 16:11

He needs to go into rehab before it gets to the point of suicide, OP. This must be a reasonably common situation for HCPs. Obviously he will be mortified at the thought of people knowing - it's the same for any addict, but presumably he has a big reputation to lose, too. However, the alternative is the risk of death if he continues the way he is.

If he carries on the way he is, he will get worse. Realistically, he's not going to get better on his own, is he?

Given that, then, better to stop it now rather than when it's even worse.

What would he say if you mentioned rehab to him?

MrMeSeeks · 15/04/2018 16:11

I'd be very concerned in your position, OP. For some reason, people to see think that Pregabalin and Gabapentin will give them a real high and there's a huge, illegal market for it.
I’d like to know how he’s getting it.
If he’s getting scripts illegally they’re in the op’s name.

Zisterhood · 15/04/2018 16:13

Op your parcel deliveries maybe being monitored. If they are you can expect to be raided both of you being arrested and SS being involved. I can speak from experience as this happened to a friend.

swingofthings · 15/04/2018 16:16

I think you are using this thread as a sounding board. You are defensive here because facing the truth is scary, but I think it will allow you to reflect on the situation with eyes more open in your own time.

GnotherGnu · 15/04/2018 16:16

How can there be a safeguarding issue in him telling his GP unless he is putting people in danger in some way? It makes no sense. I'm a bit concerned that he's not telling you the truth on this, OP.

WyfOfBathe · 15/04/2018 16:17

You're in hospital. You're surrounded by people with safeguarding training, and training about medication, who you could make a disclosure to. You could also use this time away from DH to phone Women's Aid or Nar-Anon.

You being ill on holiday doesn't make it any better either - t makes it worse that he was forcing you to drive him between pharmacies when you were so ill you had to repeatedly stop to be sick.

As soon as you get out of hospital, get your kids out of there . You deserve a life free from abuse, and so do your kids. They deserve at least one parent who will put their needs first.

freshstart24 · 15/04/2018 16:21

OP reporting him is not the priority.

Getting your DC out of the situation is the priority.

Focus on this one thing first.

Please listen.

XiCi · 15/04/2018 16:39

OP, does he want to stop? Would he go into one of the private rehab places linked to above? He may be able to go into one of these and get clean without work finding out. Just take some annual leave and go in. Is this an option?

mummymeister · 15/04/2018 16:40

The OP's junkie H doesn't want it to come out about his drug abuse because of the job he is in. In which case that must be either because it is about an abuse of privilege (medical professional?) or he has direct responsibility for the health, safety and welfare of others.

Here are the facts:
He is buying large quantities of meds currently legal but soon to be illegal off of the internet using his wifes name and his wifes credit card.
He is making her drive him to pharmacies whilst on holiday to buy meds even though she was sick throughout because of her own health issue.
He persuaded her to lie about a health issue to get more drugs for him. he will do this again.
Her own health issue means she is unable to manage her children and therefore she has a nanny to do this.
He is threatening to kill himself if it comes out about his addiction one minute and the next is shouting at her to shut up because he knows what he is doing - he is emotionally unstable.
He takes these drugs inside a locked study. the op has seen him crushing tablets up - to snort, inject who knows.

Despite all of the above the OP thinks that somewhere there is a magic wand that is going to wave over all of this and put it right. there isn't. Nothing changes if nothing changes. He cant change he is a junkie the drugs are more important to him than his own life.

so its down to you OP. you have to change the situation. I don't know how old your kids are or whether you are in hospital pregnant or whatever. but all of that is actually irrelevant.

you don't like people telling it like it is. And you wont listen to those with a huge wealth of experience either. so, I just hope to God that there is someone monitoring the parcels or that he has a near miss at work that is so significant that someone drugs tests him, or that the local pharmacies report him. or that the nanny reports him. because you sure as hell aren't going to do anything.

You know what is happening is wrong and you know you enabling it because you are an educated woman who can see this.

but its him first and everyone second. I hope that the Police and social services when they get involved give you the push that you need to sort things out.