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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh ordering medication online

669 replies

meadowposy · 15/04/2018 11:46

I've found out about it because he's doing it through my name.

I don't know what to think about it and I'm asking here... Are these sites always dodgy? I can't talk to him about it as he tells me to be quiet and I don't know what I am talking about.

OP posts:
Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 15:32

I don't know bananas - he seems normal but I know what you mean. He's dropping things all the time, shaking and just not right.

OP posts:
Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 15:33

Pinky - because I am in hospital and even when I'm not, I'm not really well enough to look after the children.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 15/04/2018 15:35

meadowposy, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please remember the important thing is that if anyone commits suicide it is their decision and theirs alone. It is such a hard thing to take on board but it’s true.

So I think that’s what the PP means when she talks about your addiction - it is your addiction to being a rescuer! I know that because I was like that too (co-dependency is very powerful). I urge you to read up on it. You cannot control your DP but you can control how your life will be and that if your children. He is an adult it’s time for him to look after himself.

PinkyBlunder · 15/04/2018 15:35

As an adult child of an addict I'm afraid I now resent my mum for staying with my addicted dad. In my head I know she's a victim too but I can't get past the fact that she could put a house before her own daughters wellbeing. It's the knowing that even your own mum did not nurture and protect you when you most needed it.

^ this, this and this again.

because I am in hospital and even when I'm not, I'm not really well enough to look after the children.

Still doesn’t mean you’ll lose everything and your children will end up in foster care. That’s just not reality.

swingofthings · 15/04/2018 15:36

OMG OP, I'm so so sorry. Not clear if it's mental health related or not, but if it is, then it is adding another layer of difficulties in being able to make the right decision. You need to trust your OH and rely on him to be a support to you and instead, the opposite is happening. Is he under huge stress himself because of your condition? What a dreadful situation. Hope you get better soon OP.

Serialweightwatcher · 15/04/2018 15:36

You need to talk to him properly - I am assuming if he could get off all this rubbish he would do ... can you afford rehab? If not, tell the GP he needs to be seen - he has to do something because you will end up without him if this carries on. I am sure if he's this addicted, the GP would prescribe other meds for now to get him off the ones he's on - this can't go on though and you know it - you need to be firm for all your family

swingofthings · 15/04/2018 15:37

How old are your children?

YearOfYouRemember · 15/04/2018 15:37

This will be your life until someone gets suspicious and then you lose your kids. Whereas if you take all this advice that has been offered and be seen to be putting your dc before your h you will get the help you need and keep your kids.

It's kids or h really.

Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 15:38

Well what else would happen pinky? Seriously I'm not being an arsehole (intentionally!) but there's no one to help and he really would end his life.

And the children are at the moment normal happy kids. Obviously unsettled without me but that can't be helped.

And dh is a person too and he's a wreck and it's horrible to see what he's become.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 15/04/2018 15:38

mummymeister
Yes, I appreciate that. I was meaning the otc codeine, which I assume is cocodamol or ibuprofen & codeine.

iloveeverykindofcat · 15/04/2018 15:38

Okay, so his physical health is starting to break down, and he will shortly make a mistake with a patient. Quite aside from the ethical ramifications, when this happens he really will lose his job and indeed his license to practice. If you report him now and he commits to treatment there's a chance he won't.

I personally know a formerly addicted doctor this has happened to.

Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 15:39

No mine is physical rather than mental health related. I'm hoping I may recover but it's been a tough few months.

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 15/04/2018 15:41

mummymeister I HAVE read the full thread. at NO point did the OP say she couldn't/wouldn't leave because of financial reasons. she didn't even mention the financial side of things other than to say she has no income of her own. other people did. she said she is scared to upset the apple cart, which would be true of most people who didn't want to upturn their life.

He11y · 15/04/2018 15:41

Your poor children - one parent addicted to medication and one who is unwilling to smell the coffee and put her children first.

Growing up with an addict parent is hard. Growing up with an ill parent is hard. Growing up in a family that seems respectable to everyone on the outside and everyone is locked in a conspiracy to save face at any cost is also hard.

I fear for them as nobody is taking care of their needs and they’ll no doubt realise mummy and daddy put money and social respectability before them.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 15/04/2018 15:42

Pinky is spot on with this. Reaching out for help will not make you lose your children, but knowing that this is happening and not being proactive will.

Im not in the UK, but are there any support groups for families of addicts that you can ring and talk to? They might have the most practical advice for you.

At some point you know that you will have to do something, no matter what it is. May I suggest keeping a diary of whats going on. Sometimes in abusive situations it can help to have things written down. Not least because when yo're having a day saying 'oh this is just a blip, Im sure Im overthinking things' you can look back and remind yourself of things. Very easy to excuse things with hindsight.

Really do wish you the best of luck!

Bumshkawahwah · 15/04/2018 15:42

I know this is hard and seems impossible.

If I had a pound for every time my addict family member threatened or hinted at suicide, i’d be minted. Not that he prospect of it doesn’t still terrify me. When the phone rings either very early or late at night, my first thought is that he’s overdosed or died.

Please start investigating your options. If your H overdoses, or is found out at work, or brings harm to someone, you might well find yourself alone and coping. I know it’s hard, but if you can just open your mind a little to the options available without your H. Prepare for the worst, I guess :(

FissionChips · 15/04/2018 15:43

Is there no way he can take extended leave and get some intensive treatment/ rehab?

JamPasty · 15/04/2018 15:44

Reporting him is one option, yes. Leaving him and taking the kids is another. You have to get them safe, and they are not safe with an addict - no matter how safe he might seem, or that he would never hurt them intentionally, etc.

If he loses his job, well maybe that's the thing he needs to get him to seek help. You say you can't face the thought of him killing himself (and I agree with previous posters - it would be HIS choice, and NOT on you), but can you face the thought of enabling him in his addiction to the point he dies from it, when you have the opportunity now to break the cycle and have that break maybe be the thing that jolts him enough that he gets clean and turns his life around?

Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 15:45

I don't think people understand me.

I report dh and he would kill himself. I am not kidding.

I am in hospital.

What happens to dc then?

OP posts:
PinkyBlunder · 15/04/2018 15:46

There’s a whole parts of the social care system that deal with exactly this issue. There’s help and support that you’d get that meant your kids would be out of a dangerous and damaging situation. That doesn’t mean them being removed from you. I might get flamed for this but I actually don’t believe for one moment that you are that naive that you don’t already know this.

YOU think your kids are normal happy kids. The fact is that with the situation your family is in, this is probably not the case and you just don’t know it. But even if they are, it won’t last long.

hamandpease · 15/04/2018 15:46

Meadowposy

I have an idea of what he's doing if you want to PM me, I'd rather not discuss openly

TheOriginalEmu · 15/04/2018 15:48

haff meant that you are an enabler OP, and she is right on that score. My ex was too, he helped me get codeine, he did it very 'unwillingly' but he did it. and wasn't ever going to stop. We are no longer together because it is best for us both. I hurt him very badly and as a consequence we aren't together, but we are BOTH happier people.
Your situation is complicated by your own illness, but there ARE people who will help. Please contact womens aid and/or NA anon, or al anon, they will all help you work out a plan going forward. At the moment you can't see the wood for the trees, i know. but it CAN get better i promise you.

Haffiana · 15/04/2018 15:49

and he really would end his life.

This again? This is so Fucked Up. He is ending his life RIGHT NOW and you are helping him end it. He is committing suicide by taking drugs and you are giving them to him and enabling him to get them!

You are helping him kill himself.

How long are you going to carry on living this lie? YOU need help. Never mind him - he is just your excuse to carry on as you are. You need to address your problems.

Samb79 · 15/04/2018 15:49

I've read TFT, and this is how I see it, please correct me if I'm wrong:

You DH is addicted to drugs. Regardless of what type of drugs they are, he is a drug addict.

You are unwell, and have no financial support. By the sounds of it, you also have no emotional support. You sound like you at a very low point in your life, despite the additional emotional damage caused by your DH's addiction. Reading between the lines, I expect you also feel guilty at your inability to be with your children due to your illness, and want to keep them in a life as 'normal' as you can to minimise any further disruption or upset to their lives.

However, as previous posters have said, their lives are undoubtedly being affected by their current situation, and it is NOT FAIR on the children to be subjected to this. I know you care for them. I know you're worried about them. And I know you are at your lowest point right now.

But for this situation to change or improve, you need to take action. This situation is only going to get worse, and the impact on your children will be significantly greater. Posters have already said that if this is dealt with now, he may still be able to keep his job while seeking treatment.

No one can make you report him.

But you came on here because you know that it is causing damage to your family, otherwise you would have continued to quietly ignore what is happening.

Just speak to someone in RL. Just one person. Ring anonymously and tell them the full story.

Ultimately, this isn't about you, or your DH anymore. This is about your children, their welfare and happiness, and above everything else this is what you need to prioritise.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 15/04/2018 15:52

@PinkyBlunder 100%.

OP- your husband is already killing himself with pills. He is potentially going to kill someone else if he's not capable of doing his job. Imagine if he was refilling scripts and clicked on the wrong dosage?

Would you take your children to a doctor who was pissed? No you wouldnt. The suicide threat is an extreme form of emotional blackmail.

However, if you take it prima facie that he would rather kill himself than address an issue that poses a danger to himself and others, you should bloody well be calling a doctor because hes a risk to himself!!

You have to take your head out of the sand and reach out to the people that can help you.