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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh ordering medication online

669 replies

meadowposy · 15/04/2018 11:46

I've found out about it because he's doing it through my name.

I don't know what to think about it and I'm asking here... Are these sites always dodgy? I can't talk to him about it as he tells me to be quiet and I don't know what I am talking about.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 15/04/2018 15:11

even uglier than you lying to get his drugs? even uglier than SS being involved with your kids? even uglier than him causing harm to someone else?

Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 15:12

We were on holiday anyway. In the UK but anyway. Look, I do really thank you for helping me and you have but shouting at me doesn't help.

OP posts:
Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 15:13

Mummy it's got nothing to do with that. I'm not finding you all that helpful. I'm sorry but making up stuff isn't on.

That's probably true shawshank

OP posts:
freshstart24 · 15/04/2018 15:14

OP it is very typical of an addict to threaten suicide in these circumstances.

It's highly unlikely he would go through with it. But his actions are driven by his addiction.

Your actions would be driven by the need to put your DC first. I can tell from your posts that you know putting DC first is the right thing to do. You have to remove them from living with this man for their welfare.

It is clear that life at home is not ok for your DC. You've implied that your health issues mean your husband is needed to to help you care for DC- he is not a suitable person to be doing this.

You need help and so do they. If you don't seek help, when the shit hits the fan you will be seen as having not taking steps to protect your DC from this situation. You need to be able to prove that you protected them as best you could. Allowing this situation to continue is not protecting DC.

Please carefully consider your options.

Could DC stay with friends or family whilst you separate yourself from this situation?

Are your health issues likely to improve?

It's a horrible situation to be in OP. However you have to take action, really you do.

PinkyBlunder · 15/04/2018 15:15

It should get ugly OP for very good reasons.

Unfortunately I’m not talking (or shouting Hmm) out of my arse either. I was 7 when one of my parents was addicted to prescription drugs. They tried to hide it, I still knew everything. I’m in my 30s now and only just coming to terms with it. My god do I wish now that the appropriate authorities had been involved.

ShawshanksRedemption · 15/04/2018 15:16

@meadowposy
I just feel really sad for you, and your DC. Maybe just take some time out now and think about the advice on here? Maybe that will help?
If you're ill in hospital right now, you should really be getting some rest. Flowers

Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 15:17

I didn't really mean you Pinky. I'm sorry you went through that.

But unless I've misunderstood people want me to report my husband to someone - doctor?

Then he would lose his job, no one to care for dc, he may well kill himself.

It's not something I am ready for. Yet.

OP posts:
zebrano · 15/04/2018 15:19

What about accessing counselling OP?
Also, may seem a strange question but what was your childhood like? Quite often, if you grow up in dysfunction you tend to see these awful situations as 'normal' and therefore find it impossible to leave.

You must find a way to leave. You're not stuck there, I promise you you're not.

PinkyBlunder · 15/04/2018 15:20

In the kindest possible way though it’s not about you. You’ve reached crisis point, this should now be about how to protect your children.

Quartz2208 · 15/04/2018 15:21

No but you need to be - because it will come out.

He is already well on his way to killing himself given how many pills he is taking a day

And can he look after your dc anyway at the moment as it doesnt sound like he can

ShawshanksRedemption · 15/04/2018 15:22

I think first step would just be a chat to Women's Aid, or Narc Anon or other similar, in confidence, so you can find out what the options are and what would happen. For obvious reasons you can't tell us everything, maybe talking in confidence with the above will help, and getting support in Real Life too? Your head may well be all over the place, overloaded even, so maybe getting help in Real Life will just help clear that fog a bit, and help you find a path?

DaisyDoo80 · 15/04/2018 15:23

He really should not be caring for your children as you have suggested he is in your last post, it would be very negligent to leave them in his care. Sorry.

I know there's no easy answers, but you seriously need to take some action.

Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 15:24

It doesn't feel like protecting them by having them lose everything

OP posts:
DaisyDoo80 · 15/04/2018 15:25

They won't lose everything, they have you.

PinkyBlunder · 15/04/2018 15:25

You’d be giving them a much better life than what you’re providing them with now, I can garauntee you that.

Haffiana · 15/04/2018 15:25

I just genuinely am terrified I will have a suicide on my conscience.

You need to go to Al Anon and get help. This is your addiction speaking.

You are enabling a man you profess to love to stay addicted to that which WILL kill him. This suicide shit is your excuse to keep yourself from confronting why you are giving a drug addict the drugs that will kill him and in the same breath professing to 'love' him.

You are also an addict. You are repeatedly defending your addiction on this forum. We can all see this and I think you can too.

You both need urgent help but the only person whom you can help is yourself. Are you willing to get help for yourself, or are you still in denial, do you think?

swingofthings · 15/04/2018 15:26

OP, there is clearly a lot we don't know that is affecting how you are dealing with the situation. I really really hope that you are ok and whatever reason for your hospital stay is a one off and not due to concerns with your health long term.

Don't report him yet, tell him that he is leaving you with no choice but to do so if he doesn't agree to get into rehab asap. A poster has given the detail of who he would need to approach. His career doesn't have to be over, but it will be if he continues on the path he is on. IT IS NOT TOO LATE YET but it is probably not far off.

Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 15:26

In foster care? I wouldn't Pinky

OP posts:
Original poster
meadowposy · 15/04/2018 15:27

I genuinely don't know what addiction you mean Haf sorry

OP posts:
MadameGrizzly · 15/04/2018 15:27

That's the abuse playing in your head, meadowposy, because you wouldn't lose everything. This is why it's good to start gathering information so you can make informed choices.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 15/04/2018 15:29

OP, if he does anything, then it is not on you. I promise you that. Id also bet he wont do anything at all.

Guilt is so central to getting what he wants. Think of a kid having a massive tantrum... wasnt it the Just William stories where Violet threatened to 'scream and scream until Im sick!' of she didnt get her own way?

I dont want to bash you or anything, I honestly dont envy your circumstances at all. Just ask yourself if the nanny were not there, would you trust him to be in charge of the kids?

freshstart24 · 15/04/2018 15:30

OP I'm not sure that many posters think the most important thing you should perhaps do is to report DH to someone.

I think most posters feel the most important thing for you to do is whatever you possibly can to remove your DC from the situation.

Ideally you need to remove yourself too.

No one is suggesting that these are easy things to do. Nevertheless it is honestly not an overreaction to say that you must protect DC.

I feel that if you don't have friends or relatives who can help you should consider asking for help from social services. Foster care whilst you get things straight will be preferable to allowing this to continue.

Im so sorry that you are in such a horrid situation. You must be feeling rotten and you need support. Protect your DC and then yourself.

TroysMammy · 15/04/2018 15:31

Pregabalin, drug addicts like to get their paws on this.

zebrano · 15/04/2018 15:31

As an adult child of an addict I'm afraid I now resent my mum for staying with my addicted dad. In my head I know she's a victim too but I can't get past the fact that she could put a house before her own daughters wellbeing. It's the knowing that even your own mum did not nurture and protect you when you most needed it.

PinkyBlunder · 15/04/2018 15:32

Why exactly can you not look after your children without him? He can’t exactly be looking after them for you can he? I doubt he’s even co-parenting.

Taking your children out of this situation won’t automatically land them in foster care. I’m sorry but that is quite simply unprecedented bullshit that you’re telling yourself to justify why you won’t act. Carry on doing what you’re doing though and your children WILL be taken away from you, that is 100% certain.

In summary, seeking help to leave an abusive addict will NOT land your children in care. Enabling and staying with abusive addict with no moves to protect your children WILL.