Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel on my friends who never visit me or just want a free lunch

238 replies

Ginchihuahua · 14/04/2018 23:32

I moved from the city I lived and to uni in last June to a more rural area 30 mins train ride away. I still work in the city so commute daily each day by car which is an hour each way.

I have a group of uni friends, there are 4 of us all together that always met regularly. Since moving I have invited them over on 4 occasions for housewarming, my birthday etc they have declined each time instead suggesting to meet in the city.

I invited them over this Sunday, without asking me they invited their kids & husbands bumping the number to 7. I had planned to cook a roast however had to explain my small cottage cant seat 7 and suggested booking a pub lunch. They cancelled stating they couldnt afford a pub lunch (we are all in the same profession a £12 lunch is easily affordable for us).

However straight after suggested meeting in the city for lunch instead. I begrudgingly agreed. However frankly I feel like cancelling.
Im upset this has happened everytime they have been invited and it seems they were only visiting if they got a free lunch. I cant see how money is an issue if they are paying for lunch in the city!

Commuting 5 days a week is tiring enough without doing it on a Sunday too! What do you all think? Should I cancel? Ditch my friends entirely? Or suck it up and go tomorrow?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 15/04/2018 14:09

Did you go?

throwcushions · 15/04/2018 14:11

I'm just saying we only have OP's side of the story. We don't know exactly what was said on either side. It's possible they simply misunderstood. If so I wouldn't think that rude. If they understood very clearly and actually invited their husbands then that is very rude. But just because they don't usually go with their family doesn't mean they knew they weren't invited this time. It might depend on how OP asked, if you see what I mean.

2andcountingtodate · 15/04/2018 14:20

I do see what you mean but we only ever have an OPs side. Ive seen many CF stories on here and at work about people self absorbed like this that it really wouldnt surprise me for her friends to havd done this. My ChildFree friends have often cited similar.

I wouldnt like to go in OPs place. If family time is so precious, what fun will it be to be the only one admist other families family time? Had they wanted their families included then they could have said and it be arranged for when OPs family was free. Its like friends who invite along their partners when its meant to be women only night. What fun for the one who is partnerless amidst the couples.

pinkdelight · 15/04/2018 15:51

How did you manage to have a housewarming if you can't cater for more than four people (including you and your partner!)?

Bluntness100 · 15/04/2018 16:09

I'd assume she only invited two other people to the house warming, so there was four of them in total.

Cornishclio · 15/04/2018 16:13

Don't any of these so called friends have partners they can leave the kids with?

My DD and her husband often do things on their own at the weekends because the other is there to look after the kids. So did I when our kids were small. That way the friends get a chance to chat, their husbands get one on one time with the kids. It is not rocket science unless any of them are single parents and don't have anyone to leave the kids with.

As only 3 extra that would assume though that one or two husbands want to come with their wives. Are people joined at the hips at the weekend if they are married then? Strange.

Your friends are either lazy or not that bothered in keeping up a friendship with you OP. It is obviously not the cost that is the issue so it is presumably the distance they have to travel and extra travel costs. You would think they would suck it up at least once in almost a year though. If the 4 of them shared a car it would not cost that much in fuel.

Tiredmum100 · 15/04/2018 16:35

I get where you're coming from op. If they can afford to buy food in the city view can afford it in the pub by you. You're hurt they haven't been to see your new home which is totally understandable. I moved out of a city an hour away from my family and friends but they make the effort to come down, I go up and we meet in the middle. If I had been invited to a Sunday lunch at my friends without oh and dc personally I'd go and not assume others were invited. I'm planning a bbq in the summer and have stated to my friends oh halves and dc included as they aren't usually (well the kids are as we do a lot together with the kids anyway). My dh would be more than capable sorting the dc out for tea, bath and school for the following day. That wouldn't even be an issue. But as you can see from the replies on this thread everyone has very different opinions!

trojanpony · 15/04/2018 17:13

Confused sorry I think you YABU

Just meet them in town. Why are you desperate for them to come to you when they have small kids and it’s a two hour round trip (two hours in a car with small kids is no fun)

VladPutin · 15/04/2018 17:14

i think they want to go out out not sit in your house

I prefer being out - i am in a home all day fgs

Bluntness100 · 15/04/2018 17:19

You're hurt they haven't been to see your new home which is totally understandable

But they are not invited to her home. They are invited to travel to visit her local pub only. They are also clearly not all bringing their husbands and kids as the numbers indicate this is a huge exaggeration.

I'm curious op. Was there only you and your husband and two others at your housewarming because you can only fit four people in?

Bluntness100 · 15/04/2018 17:24

Sorry, the reason I ask how many you've had at previous events, is because if you've had more and they know it, then you may have inadvertently caused offence by disinviting them. Lunch as you know can easily be a buffet and doesn't need to be a formal sit down meal.

Willow2017 · 15/04/2018 20:49

Bluntness
They were invited to her home several times including this one yet never bothered to go.
They were invited to her home on thier own (as they previously only wanted weekend meet ups so husbands could look after kids ) but decided to bring husbands and kids.

MaJiPe · 15/04/2018 20:55

i live only a (cheap) 30min train ride away from London and a few "friends" just won't make the effort, but are always inviting to meet me in town.

the thing is, city people (especially some young londoners) can be prejudiced against rural areas. it's not that they can't make the effort, they just don't want to.

i also find it odd that after you get married/have children suddenly becomes impossible to take ONE saturday/sunday off to go out by yourself and see a friend. just leave the children with your partner. it's nice to be relieved from parental duties every now and then, nobody will die and you can have a nice day out with friends.

it's unreasonable to expect only you to always pay for train fares + meal costs on the weekends. i stopped inviting these people/accepting their invitations. i just let these "friendships" die and concentrated on people who cared about me. if they only want to be friends with people who live two doors down from them because they're too lazy then it's ok, but i try to be a good friend and want my efforts at least reciprocated.

if i'm not worth a £3.10 train ride on my birthday when i'm offering you free food you can eff right off with your "let's meet for a £80 meal in shoreditch instead?"

waterrat · 15/04/2018 21:33

OP I have been on the other side of this! This is such a common problem when kids appear in friendship groups.

It sounds selfish but it is so tiring being a parent - I just have to put me and my family first sometimes and make a plan about what works for me.

Bringing kids on a train journey and then expecting them to behave in a pub? NOT FUN. What is your local like ? Is it child friendly? do they know that?

I can imagine thinking okay Ill get there and then the kids can at least run about a bit in the garden - then finding out you wanted us all to go to a pub and thinking that sounds shit for me and the kids.

Could you spell it out more clearly to them wat you want? If you want a girls lunch - email them all and say - hey I can see its a pain to have to bring the kids here but I'd love to show you my house and local - when woudl work for you all?

it sounds like there were some crossed wires here as they thought it was a family outing.

Coyoacan · 15/04/2018 22:52

i also find it odd that after you get married/have children suddenly becomes impossible to take ONE saturday/sunday off to go out by yourself and see a friend

I make it sound so easy. Like you are the only demand on that person's time.

BakedBeans47 · 16/04/2018 00:21

I didn’t realise this amazing precious high quality family time meant never being able to do anything without one’s partner and kids ever. I must have been doing it wrong these past 12 years. I’d love a day without any of them!

BarbarianMum · 16/04/2018 08:27

That's fine Beans then you have one. Other people feel differently. After 12 years of parenting I feel like I hardly see my dc in the week and dh really doesn't see them. So to us, family time at weekends is important.

Lacucuracha · 16/04/2018 09:20

In addition they have busy lives with children and most likely won't want to spend the Sunday apart, so of course they will decline. If they have young children pubs are a nightmare. Weekend is precious family time. If you still want to see them alone stick to week nights in the city and don't invite them again.

Yes but the problem is Sunday are only precious family time when it's OP's birthday. They seem happy to meet without their family on weekends when it's another friend's birthday. It's being treated differently that is the issue.

Panda81 · 16/04/2018 10:11

@BarbarianMum in that case then you wouldn't have suggested to OP to arrange a get together for the weekend when DH can have the kids. Which is what OPs friends told her.

Dogjustguffed · 16/04/2018 10:13

@pink yes, good question! How did the OP manage to have a housewarming?

MaJiPe · 16/04/2018 16:55

@Panda81

Yes. Looks like some people's "family time at weekends" are obviously more important than others. :D

MaJiPe · 16/04/2018 16:59

Coyoacan
Priorities, I guess. I would not drop everything to meet a mere acquaintance (but then I wouldn't expect them to reciprocate), but also it's important for me to have time to see friends I care about. :)

Stepmum3 · 16/04/2018 17:39

I moved out of London about 11 years ago and I have hardly any friends left from there. Very similar to you they would happily meet in London but not make the effort. I literally have one friend who occasionally visits but otherwise none.

Maybe time to rethink your friends and establish some where you live.

WTFiswrongwithpeople · 16/04/2018 17:40

If I was your friend I’d come out and visit you. Because friends show an interest in your life and would like to see where you live and how you’re going. Even if it was an hour door to door. It’s not that big a deal. I have kids and I’d look forward to a day out on my own! It’s just one bloody day. I think they’re using costs as an excuse. It’d cost less if it was just them on their own! When you meet in town do they bring their whole family?

AnnabelC · 16/04/2018 17:49

Gazebo in the garden. They are so useful in the wet and sun. Can be put against the house where the back door is and not too expensive. Weather is getting warmer. Just a suggestion if you have little space.