To cancel on my friends who never visit me or just want a free lunch

[Ginchihuahua]

I moved from the city I lived and to uni in last June to a more rural area 30 mins train ride away. I still work in the city so commute daily each day by car which is an hour each way.

I have a group of uni friends, there are 4 of us all together that always met regularly. Since moving I have invited them over on 4 occasions for housewarming, my birthday etc they have declined each time instead suggesting to meet in the city.

I invited them over this Sunday, without asking me they invited their kids & husbands bumping the number to 7. I had planned to cook a roast however had to explain my small cottage cant seat 7 and suggested booking a pub lunch. They cancelled stating they couldnt afford a pub lunch (we are all in the same profession a £12 lunch is easily affordable for us).

However straight after suggested meeting in the city for lunch instead. I begrudgingly agreed. However frankly I feel like cancelling.
Im upset this has happened everytime they have been invited and it seems they were only visiting if they got a free lunch. I cant see how money is an issue if they are paying for lunch in the city!

Commuting 5 days a week is tiring enough without doing it on a Sunday too! What do you all think? Should I cancel? Ditch my friends entirely? Or suck it up and go tomorrow?

I think you should have just had them round for lunch even if you couldn’t seat them all properly. Just make do.

Hey @Ginchinuahua have read it this quite quickly and I do understand your frustration at their moving of the goalposts, first wanting girls only and then imposing a change on you, and then again I remember when I had a toddler I was reluctant to visit a friend on my own for a weekend, but then she was about 4 hours travelling away. I have a positive suggestion though... I honestly think that you are unlikely to manage to get them to yours on their own but how about inviting all of them in the summer so that you can have a picnic or BBQ in the garden... making a massive assumption that you have a garden but rural living folk usually aspire to one IME... then you can comfortably accommodate everyone... think picnic blankets and cushions... and rather more relaxed and leisurely (and kid friendly) than pub lunches. However other than something like this I honestly think that you are best to move on and think of different ways of keeping everyone happy... sometimes somewhere in the middle can be a good solution... we have visited half way rural destinations with child friendly diversions like mini farm etc (and cream teas!!) with non-local friends... maybe this will be a future solution especially when you have kids as well.

PS do think you have slightly odd friends though, never known someone who refused to visit an area because it is too posh... quite bizarre, were they worried about exposure to red trousered hoorays?!

How much is the train fare for them to come out and visit you.
I’m in a similar position to OP but whereas I have an annual season ticket, even though it’s a short journey it cost ms friends £16 each to come by train to visit, meaning on most occasions I go into the city as there’s more to do, and it makes it a costly journey for those visiting.
I’d at least cater for them though or buy lunch, it’s a lot to expect them to pay for transport and a meal out when they get there

I’ve not read all comments but have seen some that say you moved away so you should make the effort. I don’t agree really. Well I do, you should make an effort (should if you want these people in your life) but I also think they should too.
I could perhaps see why they wouldn’t want the expense of train fare for all family and to pay for lunch- so maybe meeting up “in the middle”- is that how they see it? But maybe that’s cheaper for them too?
Travelling with kids can be a pain too (age dependant) although realise they were prepared to do this for a free lunch as you say.
My husband and I are in a similar position with his side of the family- they all live much closer to each other than us, we’re a 50-60 minute drive away. So often we’re expected to go there as it’s easier. Yes much easier for them but not us. X

That’s a shame you ditched the idea of lunch at urs because of 3 extra people . Sounds like they haven’t committed to anything in the past prob due to busy lives and Sunday does tend to be a family affair . I think you have shot urself in the foot by cancelling dinner at urs . They’ve suggested lunch in the city ( minus train fares ) so I would go and enjoy . U will appear u reasonable if you call them on this I feel .

i would have just done the roast 4 them i think would it really cost u that much more

YANBU. Letsmignore the tedious posts that state you should cook for extra people that you hadn't invited and have repeatedly stated will NOT fit in your home.

I think I'd give up with this group. Their lack of effort and poor excuses would just piss me off.

Some people become rude, selfish and self absorbed and entitled once they become parents......and these 'friends' seem to be it.
They accepted a 'no kids or spouses' invite to YOUR home - and then en mass decided to completely change the plans to a 'family day out' in the countryside with free lunch -without any consideration for you.

They've already shown you they don't care enough to make the effort for you just because you've changed your lifestyle a bit......yet they expect you to accommodate theirs without a second thought.

Find new friends or keep these ones at a distance, they only seem interested in using you.

I don't think anybody is being unreasonable really. I can see why you're upset given this isn't the first time it has happened. But I can also see why they are reluctant. Your time is so much less your own with kids, and moving them around and packing up for trips is so much more stressful - having lunch in town where you can make a quick exit if they start to unravel is much easier and always tempting... They probably know they are being a bit cheeky but on each individual occasion it doesn't seem too bad.

I would suggest that it may be ambitious for a couple of years while kids are young (assuming they are?) to get everybody together in the daytime without kids (or with kids but far away from home). Why not invite them individually family by family to visit you instead, rather than everybody at once? Then you can have a series of nice family lunches with your wife and their families, and keep the "girls night out" and "ladies lunch" type of gatherings to town, which realistically is easier for the majority and more likely to work for the whole group of you? You could always try to do that mainly on Thursday/Friday nights, so you are already there?

I can totally get why you are disappointed they have not made the effort to see your new home yet, but if you are just arranging it with one of them at a time you can get the time and date and circumstances to suit each pair of you, rather than having to make everyone happy at once?

Yabu. If someone invited me for lunch and I was traveling a couple of hrs by train to visit them on a Sunday, I’d be quite put out if they changed the plans to a pub lunch just because of another few mouths to feed ... i think their reaction was quite justified tbh!

YABU
They're not that interested in seeing your house, i know it's important to you but it's not to them (or anyone else). I've never understood this big "come and see my house" thing.

I have friends who have moved away. 45 minutes they reckon - yeah right, maybe at 120mph at 2am in the morning...

I'm sure the decline isn't about the "free lunch" - it is about x number of hours out of the middle of the day on a sunday without their families.

They were on for it as a family day out, but then you said you couldn't cater for their families so they suggested lunch in the city rather than coming all the way out to you on the train.

i honestly don't see the problem. it's not about a "free lunch".

This isn’t anything to do with money. Forget that Avenue. This is all about city folk and the sticks. They aren’t being honest with you in that they simply see themselves as city people ( for the moment) and the thought of all of them venturing into the countryside for a meal is the issue. Plus it’s probably a numbers game. 4 travelling when there is only you to visit? Work out that they have discussed between them that they simply don’t think it’s worth it. Move on, you all will eventually, especially as they all start to venture beyond the city limits....

OP try not and see this as about a free lunch. Unless people are totally skint, no one goes to someones just for a free lunch.
Also you may see a £12 lunch as easily affordable, but train fares plus pub lunch for say 2 adults and a kid may come to at least £50. And when you have kids you do have less disposable income than childless people.

Having met up with old uni friends at the weekend I can get what they're coming from. It's the people you want to see and you want it be as easy as possible.

They'd got in their minds coming to see your lovely new house. Maybe they hadn't realised you'd meant girls only? Then it turned into a pub lunch and, well, they can do a pub lunch somewhere easy close to home, with the family they don't need to come all the way to the country and have OH grumbling about having the kids for that! Pub lunch with kids somewhere you know is OK is fine. Travelling on the train then going to an unknown pub not very appealing. Weekends are precious and I really have to justify having a girls only day out and leaving OH on his own with the DS at the weekend. Maybe it's just that?

Perhaps one OH kicked up a fuss and about spending time together as a family and then it snowballed?!

Personally I'd go and while you're there suggest a girls only lunch at your house again. Be specific that you mean girls only. Don't blame your house as OHs will feel excluded, but just we need a a good old girls Prosecco catch up blah blah blah.

If there are too many barriers or inconveniences to visiting then they won't. Be positive. Let them all come OH, kids etc... But have a back up plan like all looking round doing a finger buffet then going to the pub after when it gets a bit too cozy. I'm sure it's not you and stick with them. If youve got a garden suggest a BBQ/Buffet in the summer where you can be outside.

I saw the thread trending. Thought maybe op had come back. I suppose she couldn’t be arsed as she didn’t get the support she was looking for.

Weekends, especially Sundays is sacrosanct for our family... It's a family day and 4 hours midday away from them is a no no for us... Maybe the same for your friends

greentulips she moved so she should makeover effort that's a terrible suggestion. If everyone lived by that rule no one would ever see each other. OK why don't you suggest meeting somewhere in the middle or doing it alternatively. Good friendship is about give and take, I moved to a different part of the UK and I visit a couple of times a year and they visit here, not as much but I see everyone including family when I go back and it's 500 miles not 40, a couple had a problem and thought I was selfish, but I wasn't staying where I felt miserable so I moved.

Yeah I would'nt have asked people who had husbands and kids to attend alone on a Sunday. Thats not going to happen because family come first really with most people.
I think you just accept it for what it is, they are not interested in coming to your house.I'd say that there not really true friends more associates really.I'd look to meet new people and just meet up with these occassionally if you fancy it. Dont be making an effort as they wont for you

Sorry greentulips I shouldn't have singled you out there's a lot of selfish c.f. On this post . My husband wouldn't want to do it all by himself on a Sunday ... He's not a babysitter he's the dad and I'm sure you've done it alone before. Head in hands here poor OP expecting a bit support, but getting all the selfish judgemental twats of the day posting .... Never move or you lose all your friends ffs get a life!!!!!

Whether the op chose to move or not should be irrelevant. People can't stay close to their friends just to please them and be on their doorstep forever . My best friend moved to Manchester but I still visit her on the odd occasion and it's not overnight either! (and vice versa). So the op moving shouldn't be a punishment she should endure forever by her friends not visiting. Op makes the effort to go into the city to meet them and they should return the favour.

I'd say this is what happens if you live in the arse end of nowhere.

It's a pain to get to. That's why people live in the city.
What did you think was going to happen when you moved ?

They don't sound like great friends, tbh. I wouldn't be upset about this cancellation as it's just a Sunday lunch, but not bothering to come to your house warming or birthday makes them shitty friends, imvho. Do they not get on with your wife?

If one of my friends had moved house and wanted me to come over to see their new home, I would feel awful about refusing four times in a row. Given that they also thought the last place you lived was "too posh," it doesn't even sound like it's just unfortunate timing - more like a deliberate policy of avoidance.

It's not just a £12.00 lunch for them though is it? Presumably your friends invited their partners and children to the Sunday lunch at your house because weekends are precious family time. If you had that lunch at a pub instead yours friends would then have to pay for themselves, partners and children plus drinks - that's at least £60.00, plus travel costs. You're asking your friends to suddenly fork out about £70.00 - £80.00!! In addition to that your chosen pub might not be suitable for kids - does it have a play area?!

No wonder your friends suggested meeting closer to home if what you are now asking them to do is meet for a lunch in a pub or restaurant. By being closer to home your friends can nip out for a few hours while their partners do something with the children.

I really don't accept that you could not have hosted a get together at your house for 8 people. You did not have to do a formal lunch - why not a buffet?

It's not unreasonable for your friends to want and need to prioritise family time. I think you need to factor this into your arrangements for days/nights out with them.

I can see both sides to this. Outside of my family unit, other members of the family take up a lot of time on a weekend with rounds of ‘visiting’. Time to just relax together at home is precious. Running around all weekend doing things to suit other people means you return to work on Monday after having no break at all, having no quality time ‘just us’. I have friends who are still living in flatshares and out partying at the weekend and honestly they just don’t get it, it’s nothing deliberate and I don’t get annoyed but they have no concept of my compteting priorities. I can’t spend money or time thrice over, I have other people who are my priority and sometimes it means others don’t always get the look in they might have five years ago.

But also I am trying to put more effort into my friendships so I would have definitely come to see you even if it wasn’t on this occasion. I have had friendships which are all one way and it’s made me really sad that people can’t be bothered (probably in more even ‘life circumstances’). They don’t sound like very good friends or really bothered about keeping their friendships. Good friends are really important. I try and see friends every couple of weeks and have really enjoyed it recently.