Aibu to think that choosing the father of your child is the most important decision

[Amaried]

I know I'm probably going to be flamed for this but here goes. I'm just back from visiting an upset friend

For background
About a year ago she met her dp, we didn't need her for 3 months and when I eventually met her for lunch. She told us that he was definitely the one and she could see them having a family and life together. Fast forward another month and she announces their much planned pregnancy. Her baby is now 3 months old and her partner has an aversion to working either at home or in a job.. She says he is selfish and even cruel at times. This is the man she chose to be the father of her child.
I suppose what I am asking is aibu in thinking that woman should think long and hard before deciding to have kids with some one. It will impact their children for their whole lives. Mumsnet and rl seem to be full of woman with dead beat dads in their kids lives. I think many people seem to rush into that decision and their kids live with the consequences all their lives. Obviously this only applies to planned pregnancies.

Time is a big factor though isn't it. How well can you know anyone after a few months? I agree OP. Children deserve to be brought into a stable situation and a short term relationship is definitely not that. I appreciate that even in longer relationships things can go wrong but at least you're giving things a better chance.

In an ideal world, sure.

Not everyone's world is ideal. Or it is, and then it turns to shit.

Besides, surely the same is true for men - being a crappy partner and parent isn't exclusively male!

I don’t think you get many people who think, well he seems like a bit of a waste of space, but I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and have a baby anyway...

you cant predict the future, you could be smoeone who is perfect, have kids and he turns into a dick

You're not wrong but not everyone thinks the same way you do. By your definition I should never have had my DD because of her deadbeat dad. But I love her more than anything and she's changed my life. Sure, she will have problems what with being raised in a single parent family and having a dad who is financial and physically absent, but at least I gave her a chance. I am now a more productive and cooperative member of society as a result and I no longer do the stupid things that I used to do which lead me to being in the situation with the deadbeat dad to begin with!

I knew him for 10 years as a friend before starting a relationship. Everyone was shocked to find out ‘the other side of him’. Maybe Sherlock could have seen it but it was hidden from mere mortals. We had a great relationship and even had premarital counselling at Relate as a couple and individually to make sure we were ready for marriage, major issues had been covered (children, religion, finances, roles etc.) As prepared as you can be, right. He turned out to have lied to everyone. But my fault for choosing badly, eh?

It is an important decision yes. My biggest regret in life is who my child's father is. But I was young and naive, rose tinted glasses didn't think it through and just really really wanted a baby, my beautiful Son who I wouldn't change and we do ok and have a happy life.
Others as a pp don't make the same mistakes as I did but it still turns out to be a bad choice.
People change, people make mistakes that's life.

Oh totally. When a man turns out to be a total bastard, a crap father etc it’s all his partner’s fault for not predicting that would happen. Obviously.

Sarcasm aside, I don’t think many people choose to have a child with someone who treats them badly or is just a lazy arsehole. For example, a lot of domestic abuse starts during pregnancy or not long after the birth of the baby when a woman is vulnerable and feels trapped.

How can you ever be 100% certain of someone though, especially when it is predicting what they will be like a certain situation which hasn’t even arisen and one that you don’t know what you will be like in either?

Make the best decision you can with the information that you have available to you at the time. You can't do much more than that. However, I would say longer than a few months is sensible.

Yes, think long and hard and whip out the crystal ball to see the future.
I take it you are happilly married to a perfect male specimen then? And you thought long and hard, not influenced by a myriad of factors in your life?
Yeah right. You lucked out but are keen to attribute it to your superiority.

I very Nievely assumed my ex’s was be a good dad. He isn’t .

We spent a long time trying and talking about how we would raise a baby .

He could talk the talk .

Yes it’s so important.

It doesn’t matter if you knew someone for ten years. That’s not the same as knowing them in a relationship.

I always advise waiting at least three years before children are made!

The mask usually starts to slip after about two.

Yes you friend was silly imo

Some will flame you for this thread but if it helps even one woman think twice then it’s worth it

Yanbu . I went around for years thinking I would only have kids when I met the right man, it took till I was 35, but I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.
My reasons were that it looked like phenomenal amounts of hard work, and I wasn’t sure o was capable of it. So i needed someone who would be good at it.
But I disagree that people should think about it, they should feel their way in. People will generally admit to knowing relationships didn’t feel right from the start when it all breaks down.

Bumfuddle, I'm so sorry you've been through that.

OP, I agree that it's a hugely important decision. And I agree that some women decide to get pregnant too soon, or with men who are already showing signs of being feckless. (Although obviously it's ultimately the men who are responsible for their own fecklessness).

But I suspect it's more common for men to seem like a great prospect at the time, and then turn out to be crap in a way that couldn't be predicted. Like Bumfuddle's ex.

I was in a relationship with my dh for 15 years, married for 7 before we had our first child. I knew him enough to know he'd be a brilliant dad and I wasn't wrong. I think it's foolhardy to rush into serious commitment with someone you have only known for a few months.

You never really know someone though, or what they are going to do. You can try your best and take your time, but still might get it wrong.

It definitely works both ways. Not every man has 'chosen' the right mother for his child, and people and circumstances change.

A friend of mine has recently left her abusive husband. She spent their relationship being told by him, his parents and siblings that things would change, he'd be better when they moved house, when he'd changed jobs, when they got married, when they had a baby.

It's easy to make judgements, have opinions or give advice, but everyone has their own problems, experiences and decisions to make.

I’ll admit I often find myself wondering why some posters decided to have DC with their crappy exes

However, blaming women for poor choices in who they have DC with is absolving men of their choice to be a shitty partner and/or deadbeat dad. So i try to stop myself having those thoughts.

Yes some women make bad choices about having children with shit men. Far more women are lied to, belittled, cheated on or otherwise dicked about by the father of their DC. But in any case, the person to blame is the man who is making the choice to be shit!

I think many ignore the warning signs, with some romantic notion that their relationship is different, and just because he fucked off from his last family and abandoned his children it's not a sign of things to come.

No one can ever gaurantee a relationship will be forever but it is foolish to plan and fall pregnant only a few weeks/months into a relationship