Aibu to think that choosing the father of your child is the most important decision

[Amaried]

I know I'm probably going to be flamed for this but here goes. I'm just back from visiting an upset friend

For background
About a year ago she met her dp, we didn't need her for 3 months and when I eventually met her for lunch. She told us that he was definitely the one and she could see them having a family and life together. Fast forward another month and she announces their much planned pregnancy. Her baby is now 3 months old and her partner has an aversion to working either at home or in a job.. She says he is selfish and even cruel at times. This is the man she chose to be the father of her child.
I suppose what I am asking is aibu in thinking that woman should think long and hard before deciding to have kids with some one. It will impact their children for their whole lives. Mumsnet and rl seem to be full of woman with dead beat dads in their kids lives. I think many people seem to rush into that decision and their kids live with the consequences all their lives. Obviously this only applies to planned pregnancies.

Trouble is people change. I met my husband when I was 22, we married at 29 and had our first baby at 33. So I was 11 whole years with him before we had a baby. I def thought it over, vetted him and knew what I was doing. Boy did he change.
No one knows what's around the corner.
He also developed an aversion to work, and had little/no interest in our child so much so that me and the child went everywhere on our own. I guess you could say I was a single mum long before we split.

However hard you think about it people change anyway

My Mum is one of the few in her family to have all her children conceived in wedlock and by the same father.

She couldn't have known when she married him that once they moved far away from family that he'd turn into a completely different person. A chronic adulterer, verbally abusive, physically abusive a couple of times, or that he'd sexually abuse both his biological daughters.

He was from a good family, except for his Mother and they went to school together, she thought she knew him. But from his Mother he had learned how to hide what an evil monster he truly is as well.

In some cases you do have to wonder WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING! Some people,both male And female, go from one stupid decision to the next. Their lives are like watching the same car crash again and again and again. In those conditions i feel extremely sad for the kids.

But it’s not always the case.i have a few friends who’s husbands simply sid not turn into the fathers they or anyone else thought they would. Seeemingly strong relationships failed coz these men couldn’t deal with it.

Gotta say that if my biological clock were going tickety-tick, I would seriously consider going the sperm donor route rather than have an obviously shitty man father my kids.

I alluded to this in my previous post, but what if, as your kids grow up, you start seeing behaviors in them that are strikingly similar to your rubbish ex? I've seen this happen, unfortunately (including in a good friend of mine, whose son has set eyes on his father precisely once in his entire life). It means you can never truly be rid of this awful man. I've also seen fantastic kids who had rubbish fathers, so I'd be the first person to emphasize that heredity is very complicated. But I think the potential for having a child with some personality issues is going to be a lot higher if Daddy was basically a little shit.

I know a couple of sperm donor mothers, and in both cases their kids have turned out well, which gives me a favorable impression of the whole process.

I can see why it might happen in the case of a woman worrying that time is running out. But in so many of these cases, the woman had her first child fairly young, the guy proved himself a dickhead and useless father, yet they STILL go on to have more children.

I know the women are the victims in this, but I just honestly can't understand the process. Having a child puts a strain on even a great relationship. Why would you keep having them when you know your life is going to get worse each time and he's clearly got no intention of shaping up?

This thread makes me feel not so bad.

The biggest mistake of my life was choice of fathers.

They aren’t awful but I feel I could have done better.

Hindsight.

A lot of men “talk the talk” but are useless when it comes to actually taking action. Years ago, we looked into adoption, but as DH is very quiet the social workers took that as “uninterested”. I remember being so annoyed as although he isn’t a big talker, I knew he would be very hands on. We now fortunately have a son, and my husband is a fab father. But I can imagine that there are men out there who would talk the talk but be completely useless

I don't disagree but genuine contraceptive accidents happen, men’s' behaviour can change during pg - it's a known Dv trigger and cheating sadly isn’t uncommon- it also doesn't seem to be uncommon that previously okay, goodeven great Dad's walk away from their kids when the relationship with mother fails which is often a shock to everyone.

The situations I don't get - are Dsis ex Dad who has already had children with 8 to 9 different women never stick around very long after and never pays much if anything - yet never seems to hide this even in late 50 seem to have yet another young woman willing to have kids with him - he's clearly a bad bet.

I agree, me and my DP were together 5 years before having DS so I feel as if I know him inside out and was confident in the knowledge he'll be a great partner and father, which he is.

I've got a friend who's currently pregnant by her boyfriend of 7 months (which they planned), I think that's far to early to rush into having a family and their already having arguments over money as they are moving in together but she's having to cover the vast amount of bills which she really won't be able to do when she's on maternity leave and he doesn't want to leave his job even though they can't offer him the hours needed to cover them! I can't see it ending well for them. Shes 26 and I know she's been wanting a baby for so long but considering she has time on her side I don't think she should've rushed into having one without dating that person for a few years.

But men can change and every circumstance is different especially once married or pregnant they seem to be triggers of domestic violence taking place so the once perfect man can turn into the devil and no one can predict that no matter how well you thought you vetted them.

Squeegle and Sevendown Thank yo for being honest.

What saddens me is the shear number of woman who fall for deadbeats.

MN is so depressing sometimes and it's like playing bingo

Pregnant within 3 months of meeting = tick
Allegedly a contraception failure' - tick
Denies red flags - he's The One - tick
partner is on X box all day - tick
No interest in the child - tick
He suddenly, literally overnight, turns into a knob - tick
He leaves and doesn't see the kids, doesn't pay CMS - tick
She's pregnant again - tick
She's a single parent living in shit accommodation - tick

Sigh.

I agree OP. I chose carefully, fell in love cautiously and have a respectful, happy and equal marriage with a man who shares my outlook on life.

So many of my friends had babies ‘for love’ and live hideously complicated lives