Aibu to think that choosing the father of your child is the most important decision

[Amaried]

I know I'm probably going to be flamed for this but here goes. I'm just back from visiting an upset friend

For background
About a year ago she met her dp, we didn't need her for 3 months and when I eventually met her for lunch. She told us that he was definitely the one and she could see them having a family and life together. Fast forward another month and she announces their much planned pregnancy. Her baby is now 3 months old and her partner has an aversion to working either at home or in a job.. She says he is selfish and even cruel at times. This is the man she chose to be the father of her child.
I suppose what I am asking is aibu in thinking that woman should think long and hard before deciding to have kids with some one. It will impact their children for their whole lives. Mumsnet and rl seem to be full of woman with dead beat dads in their kids lives. I think many people seem to rush into that decision and their kids live with the consequences all their lives. Obviously this only applies to planned pregnancies.

I think you can never know anyone 100% but obviously you know someone more, the longer you are together.

I do sometimes despair when people plan to get pregnant or are not very careful with contraception with someone they haven't known for very long, as I think most relationships seem amazing and perfect at first.

As my own father is definitely in the running for the worlds worst father award, I wouldn't have had children without being very sure that my partner would be a good dad.

Yeah I agree,my kids Dad is a dick ,he has 6 kids none of which he has reared,my kids are numbers 5 and 6.
With the wisdom I have now I can see him for what he is,we have been apart 15 years now,I wish my kids had a better dad for their sakes,but they have turned out brilliantly,and if they had a different dad they wouldn't be them and that would be a huge lose to the world.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing...
I thought I'd made the right decision, turned out he hid his twatishness really well. I came to the realisation after we'd been together 10 years.

Yanbu

Girls and women are still encouraged to look for life partners who fit some pretty old fashioned specifications- is he charming, does he bring you flowers etc. Mumsnet is obviously full of women who are clued in regarding feminism and the patriarchy, but in the real world, the vast majority of women I know are led to expect that, if certain boxes are ticked, the rest will naturally follow. So far, so romcom. It's what society tells us. However the truth is, that charming man who smells nice, earns well, works hard at his career and remembers birthdays, may still transform into a total twat upon the birth of a child. And of course, nobody really asks the important questions when they should do, because they don't want to appear clingy or intense. Like "do you REALLY think I should give up my career to facilitate yours once we are parents" or "do you think you're more entitled to nights out if you are working and your wife is a SAHM".

Women these days are just as able, educated and hard working as their male counterparts, yet we are still expected to sacrifice more than they ever are. Too many women are backed into a corner by the men in their lives once they become mothers.

I don't know what the answer is, but on an individual basis I would encourage all women to put the outdated romantic nonsense back in the box where it belongs, and ask the men they are interested in some very pertinent questions, before they commit themselves.

I do sometimes wonder how anyone thinks they know someone well enough to plan a pregnancy after just a few months but i dont think any blame should be put on women for men they love turning out to be dicks.

I was with my ex for 4 years. We had a mortgage, a baby, had known each other for years before hand as we worked together. None of that stopped him cheats by in me whilst we were having fertility treatment for DC2.

How long is long enough? what is ‘proof’ they won’t turn out to be a knob?

If I’d have the smallest doubt it would have ended how it did of course I wouldn’t have had a child with him.

Oh, and I'm not blaming women at all.

Our society has made it too easy for men to get away with truly dreadful behaviour and still keep up the mask of a "decent bloke"

Men don't have to put very much effort into appearing to be "a decent bloke". I've heard men who have abandoned families, abused partners and committed crimes referred to as such.

Whereas women have to put every ounce of effort into being a socially acceptable version of womanhood, and even then there's always someone looking to tear us down.
If I was queen of the world, the asshole men would be spotted before they even got the chance to procreate, because they couldn't hide behind all the excuses that are inevitably made for them

I do get your point OP and ideally everyone wpuld. I think lots of people think they have chosen well but it turns out not to be the case when it is too late.

I have a friend who has struggled with fertility who was in a terrible toxic relationship with someone who would have been an awful father (I imagine) and together they would have had a horrible family life.

She completely ignored that whole side of it though because she was desperate for a baby. I believe she would be an amazing mum but either with the right man or on her own. But she couldn't see that when she was in the thick of her situation. It's often easier to see things objectively when you are not emotionally involved. And how often is that the case re baby making?

My first long term relationship (mostly in my teens) I 100% knew I did not want him to ever be the father of my children. When I met my DP, I did seriously think through if he would be a potentially good father. (He is)

Er yeah and world peace would be great to!

Oh my, they're out in force today. Posting for the deletion message, I hope it's a doozy.

If I'd gone by your criteria I wouldn't have DD because my ex has been a shit father, however if I had my time again I'd still choose him because otherwise I wouldn't have her.

Are there some genetically desirable traits that would make someone a crap partner but might be good to pass onto your children?

Eg, would you rather have a child who was naturally tall and sporty (but dad bit of a dick) or someone who was a bit more chubby and physically diminutive and passive but with a “good reliable partner and father” type?

I’m childfree by choice but I must admit I’ve occasionally had the most overwhelming sexual urges towards men who project “conventionally desirable traits”?

My feminist rational mind is telling me “nah” - my vagina is telling me otherwise!

If I could visualise the sons I’d bear by these men, they’d be tall and confident and extroverted (opposite of me really!) So maybe it’s Mother Nature telling me something?

I’d imagine when women pick from anonymous sperm donors, they select for things like intelligence and sportiness and physical robustness, not “niceness”?

But of course the kind guy would make the better life partner.

So maybe it isn’t that women are making “bad” choices, but that there are two conflicting motivations here?

biology rather than logic might actually be a key factor - we’re advanced animals underneath our civilised exterior.

WEll obviously you're right but due to my parents denying me the right to ever express an opinion, or a need or an emotion, I unfortunately felt a familiarity around a man who did the same to me.

But you're right of course.

However, it is possible to learn and here I am now 100% responsible for happy flourishing intelligent DC, my own house and a job I like. So, I serve your judgement back to you The worst thing about my life is that sometimes (not all the time) I feel some loneliness at the weekends because I've no partner. But that is it.

Hindsight is a glorious thing.....

The poster before me makes interesting points that strike a chord with me. I am short with red hair. I never did very well in school either. Consciously or unconsciously my children's father (who was not chosen with a healthy self-esteem sadly) passed on golden skin, good health, intelligence and far more regular bone structure than found on my own fair face . He didn't have a thing wrong with him, not eczema, asthma, not an allergy. Nothing. oh he was a bad husband. That.

I see the point you're making but I think it's just another stick to beat women with. It absolves men of their responsibility to behave like decent human beings because it's somehow women's fault for not being the oracle.

That said, I think there is something to be said for reading signs and red flags, if evident. A lot of abuse starts when women are pregnant and or give up work to become a SAHM - at that point the horse has already done the proverbial bolt.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but you can only go from the information you have, in the time you are in.

PS. nothing wrong with being small and pale but I think I countered my own genes with opposite trait genes.

Not unreasonable but proof, were it needed, that we are not logical beings.
I have to admit to feeling unreasonable amounts of frustration when a poster refers to their deadbeat, self-centred partner with whom they are expecting their third/fourth child! Everyone can make mistakes but why carry on making them....

Absolutely vladimirsPoutine you are absolutely right. It's another way to blame women.

If it hadn't been for the patriarchy and all of the sexism my mother had internalised she might have been a better mother to me and I would have chosen better. At what point do we stop blaming women.

Interesting point about the biological side of things winning over the logical side and I can definitely relate to that in my case, ex is tall and slim, intelligent no glasses never needed braces so from a genes point of view great and my son is tall handsome intelligent and has never been sick for more than a day in his 9 years of life.
But yea the guys a dick I'm lots of ways

Well I chose badly. Twice.

On another recent thread most people deemed it advisable to wait 2-3 years before introducing a new partner to existing DC. I think men and women should wait at least that long before deciding to have children in the first place.