Aibu to think that choosing the father of your child is the most important decision

[Amaried]

I know I'm probably going to be flamed for this but here goes. I'm just back from visiting an upset friend

For background
About a year ago she met her dp, we didn't need her for 3 months and when I eventually met her for lunch. She told us that he was definitely the one and she could see them having a family and life together. Fast forward another month and she announces their much planned pregnancy. Her baby is now 3 months old and her partner has an aversion to working either at home or in a job.. She says he is selfish and even cruel at times. This is the man she chose to be the father of her child.
I suppose what I am asking is aibu in thinking that woman should think long and hard before deciding to have kids with some one. It will impact their children for their whole lives. Mumsnet and rl seem to be full of woman with dead beat dads in their kids lives. I think many people seem to rush into that decision and their kids live with the consequences all their lives. Obviously this only applies to planned pregnancies.

There is an element of woman blaming, but equally if a man subsequently had a problematic relationship with a woman he'd chosen to conceive with after knowing her a couple of months, I'd think his unwise decision had been a contributory factor. It's not sensible for anyone to ttc with someone you can't know very well yet.

The people I can't understand are those who ignore the warning signs and think having a baby will make it all OK. It won't.

Most people think it through and I don’t think it is always obvious. You don’t always find out immediately and people often put on a good show. Meeting the parents is a sometimes a good indicator and this is not likely to happen too quick.
If there are massive red flags like controlling behaviour or extreme political views then it isn’t really sensible to get involved.

After doing everything right - being with the father for years, married, good background etc and it still going wrong, I think the one thing I will tell my daughter is to never have a child if you're not prepared to do it alone if necessary. And not to have more children than she can comfortably raise alone. Financially and time wise.

Because you never know

I think people do the best they can and it doesn’t always work out, and people make the choices they do for a variety of reasons. It’s difficult and even doing it the ‘right way’ as PP have mentioned still might mean the guy turns out to be awful.

When a man turns out to be a total bastard, a crap father etc it’s all his partner’s fault for not predicting that would happen. Obviously.

Sometimes it is. People change, and that can’t be predicted. Someone who is a kind considerate fun boyfriend in their 20s can turn out to be a disinterested father and not good at long term commitment.

But a lot of women, it’s not because the man changed, it’s because he was never a good bet in the first place. I mean, I have friends who have knowingly got together with men who have just got out of prison or a mental hospital or have huge addictions and money problems or they are aware they are violent. And then they behave like it’s come as a massive shock to them when he ends up being a crap father or beating them up or stealing the child benefit and spending it on crack.

And if you point out to them that they are making massively shit choices which fuck up their lives you are ‘victim blaming’.

I was with my DP 7 years before my DD was born
Still if i knew then what i know now i would have gone alot sooner
He was lovely until i told him i was expecting the baby we planned together then he became extremely mentally abusive, to the point of me having severe PND he even got his parents involved to tell me off!!
Fuck that for a game
Off he trotted back to mummy and daddys

Me and ex had been together six years before we had dd and then ten years when we had ds. Then he cheated on me with a worl colleague, so I left.

I agree. The father of my DCs has a lot of problems - he is now a recovering alcoholic, a lot of mental problems in the family, all sorts of stuff. To be honest choosing him as the father of my DCs has had a massive impact on the way my life has turned out. If I could have my time again I would make a different choice

I’m suprised by some responses as on MN we see countless threads where someone is ttc or pregnant but they’re asking for advice on a problem that has been going on for years. Or they already have kids, and another on the way but they’re posting about their DH being lazy, incompetent etc since dc1.

On these threads, many posters love to trot out ‘why did you have a(nother) baby with him when you knew bla bla’ or similar. This is particularly common on threads where the man has other kids he doesn’t parent well or at all.

This is essentially what a lot of posters here are describing as ‘blaming the woman’ but it’s also a common response given to people asking for advice.

'You friend rushed in. Why?'

Biological clock.

Just to add, I don’t agree with the view, I’m more in the camp if ‘in RL things don’t work out the way you expect’ but I just wanted to point out that this is the general vibe I get from those types of threads.

I'm also surprised by some of the responses - especially considering "why did you get pregnant again if he is that bad?" is so often trotted out.

No one is saying it is a woman's fault if a man is a poor father. But there is no doubt that some women have children with men who are clearly going to be shit at it - if they can't commit to a job, do nothing around the house, smoke weed, like to go to strip clubs with the lads, think they should have sex whenever they want, etc etc, the chances of that man being a wonderful dad are very slim. I think we should explicitly say to women that they should think about all of these things because who you have a child with IS one of the most important decisions you will make - for you and your child.

Of course men can change or hide their real selves but deliberately getting pregnant 3 months in is not really in the realm of "he changed" or "no one could predict it".

I agree.
Whilst being together for years, living together first etc doesn't view any guarantees, at least you're trying g to choose carefully, and some of the most obvious loosers might be avoided. Planning to get pregnant with someone you don't really know is a much bigger risk.

Perhaps men should think long and hard before being lazy and cruel.

I don't think you can screen out all the idiots through careful choosing, because I've seen some guys change drastically after the birth of children.

I would say that you can probably screen out MOST of the idiots, though.

I know some women who chosen to have relationships with some men who were awful from the start. Sad thing is that in some cases, their kids can show signs of taking after their exes, meaning that the woman can basically never escape. You can leave a shitty partner but very few mothers will disown a child!

I've seen brilliant women settle for grossly inadequate men simply because the biological clock has gone off and become deafening. Some are still in relationships but they're unhappy individuals, resentful and becoming increasingly bitter as each year goes by. Others realised there was no future for themselves and more importantly, their children and left to make usually successful new lives for themselves.
Nature, in many, many cases, takes over in a woman's child bearing years and there's nothing much you can do about it...the desire to procreate can become overwhelming, all consuming and in that type of scenario I do believe women can become blinded to the potential consequences of having a child with a prize A twat.
Its easy, too easy to condemn someone for making this type of mistake in life, instead, walk in someone else's shoes for a while and then judge.

I guess what I don’t understand is continuing to have children with the dead beat Dad (as you called them).

I read about it on the parent Facebook groups I’m part of. Women continuously moaning about their useless, lazy partners, how they never get a break, they’re exhausted. And in the next breath ‘I’m pregnant!!’ And that’s a good thing? Queue nine months later, oh big shock you’re still exhausted but with two children.

Clearly no woman thinks 'this man's a complete knob, I'd better have his children'.

But I do often wonder about the thought process that leads so many women to keep having children with awful men. I'm not blaming them, they're clearly victims in the process. I just don't understand what that process is. Perhaps someone can explain it to me.

Magical thinking...some women think that having another baby will make everything alright/solve every problem/someone to love who will love them back... the list goes on and on....magical thinking is what people do when reality is just too hard to bear.

I don't understand it at all. Anyone who's got a child knows how hard and relentless parenting Is, even if you're lucky enough to have a supportive partner. Why you'd continue to heap it on when he's proven himself to be a lazy dickhead, I just can't understand. Surely it's obvious that it increases, lifelong, with every child?

Unfortunately there are a lot of both men and women who need to take a long look at themselves and realise they have put their needs/wants before their children when choosing to have children with partners.

But a lot of women, it’s not because the man changed, it’s because he was never a good bet in the first place. I mean, I have friends who have knowingly got together with men who have just got out of prison or a mental hospital or have huge addictions and money problems or they are aware they are violent. And then they behave like it’s come as a massive shock to them when he ends up being a crap father or beating them up or stealing the child benefit and spending it on crack.

And if you point out to them that they are making massively shit choices which fuck up their lives you are ‘victim blaming’.

Agreed...taking responsibility for life choices is a dirty phrase for many...men are totally to blame...but they rarely have total personality transplants...unless they have been ill...

There are many nightmare women too... DSs ex, I'm looking at you use the DC as weapons, view DC as solely theirs, blame their exs for everything, are manipulative.. fodder for MIL threads in 15 years
There are always 3 sides...her side, his side and the truth..

I agree with you OP but we all see the best in our DPs and then overlook the junk in them, and get we also have junk ourselves. Then we make mistakes anfd mix it all up and we can be a failure. However yes there are definitely some very good dads out there (as in they love their kids and spend lots of time with them) and some not so good dads. And some not so good dads are chosen by women because they have other qualities as in maybe they don’t want much to do with their kids, but the have a huge income or they are really good at their jobs or they’d hobby or some other quality, and sometimes that’s the only reason women chose a man to be they’re baby’s dad and/or the hoped for life-long partner. So yeah I agree with you but that how it is for most of us.

My mother had decided that the dather of her children would be brainy as she wanted them to do much better in lfe than she would - she was born in 1935 and had reached this view when she was about 13. She met my dad at 14 and apart from good looks and being a nice boy he went grammar school - not the local town grammar school but the nearby big city grammar school. It was latter characteristic that was key. They married when she was 20 he 21 and had 3 children who all have done very well. To her getting the right man to bevthe father if her children was the most important decision she made - they were together until death. Seems to me that not all women give this decision must thought - ocasionally see jeremy kyle and wonder why on earth these women would these scum bags to father their child.