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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To deliberately book a holiday that will prevent dc going to ex mil's birthday extravaganza?

145 replies

dragonator · 13/04/2018 13:22

We have had a bit of a rubbish Easter for one reason or another and I decided to look for a cheap trip away for May half-term to make up for it. My birthday also falls in that week, and ex and I have an unofficial agreement that I will always have the dc for my birthday.

I've been looking at flights, and considering a huge range of destinations (will just go wherever's cheapest!) but all of them are cheapest for the second half of the week, by quite a big difference - about £200-300, making it unaffordable as cheap 'extra' holiday/treat. My birthday is on the Thursday.

This morning the dc have come back from visiting ex and his parents and have announced that his mother, who has a milestone birthday that falls about a week before mine, is having a party the day after my birthday and they are invited - formal invitations will follow apparently. It is being held down the other end of the country, so will almost certainly mean them going down on my birthday, which is against our arrangement. I wouldn't mind that too much, as a one off, though it's annoying not to be asked but to hear it as a fact from the dc - but that's normal for ex. However, I really don't want to miss out on going away to accommodate this.

I also don't think it'll be great for the dc. There will be no one there their own ages. Ten years ago when she did a similar thing and ex and I were still together, I ended up holding the babies all day and being ignored by everyone. I feel it would be similar for them this year, but without me there. They are obviously older, so can be left to their own devices so will probably sit bored in a corner/ on dd1's phone or something. They would only know ex, mil and sil - and they would all be busy enjoying the party. Basically, I feel they would get more from being away with me.

WIBU to book my mini-break and feign ignorance of the party, as ex/mil can't be sure the dc have told me - don't think they were told to? Or I could say that I had already booked when the dc told me, but that means getting the dc to lie too, which I'm not happy with. The other option is being upfront and saying I'm booking anyway, and using my birthday as further justification, but that seems very confrontational and things are already bad between me and ex as he is contesting CM.

WIBU to do any of the above, or should I just let them go and miss out on going away?

OP posts:
nadinexxx · 13/04/2018 13:26

Have you asked your DC where they'd rather go?
To be honest my children would rather go away anyway and Id just book it and take them away but then again my in laws treated me horrifically so if I knew my DC would be bored and miss my birthday then I'd do what I want.

NameChange30 · 13/04/2018 13:26

YANBU

It’s your birthday and you’re due to have them. Book the break and pretend you’d already booked it when you found out about the party, if you must.

If ex MIL and ex partner really wanted the DCs at her party, they would have checked with you that they could go on that date before organising it.

Mydoghatesthebath · 13/04/2018 13:30

Oh book. Your kids would rather a holiday than am adults party. Feign ignorance and then say you can’t make it.

UnsuspectedItem · 13/04/2018 13:32

Go ahead a book it, but don't get your knickers in a twist if your future daughter in law deliberately stops your grandchildren going to a big party of yours.

Dancingleopard · 13/04/2018 13:35

Book it. We had a shit Xmas and booked to go away in Feb half time and we loved it!

It’s a bloody holiday that your kids will be able to have fun every day and spend quality time with you.

fuzzywuzzy · 13/04/2018 13:36

Book the trip. Tell your kids you’re going away and when ex asks to have kids for is mother’s birthday extravaganza feign ignorance.

I wouldn’t even go into detail I’d just say we’re going away my birthday week. When asked.

Your dc will be around for your xmil’s actual birthday, not your fault she apparently has several birthday celebrations.

timeisnotaline · 13/04/2018 13:37

Book it :)

Dulra · 13/04/2018 13:38

Go it's an adult party she can celebrate with kids when you get back. If you think you'll be slated just say you already booked it before you knew about the party

user1488204592 · 13/04/2018 13:39

Book it.

LoveInTokyo · 13/04/2018 13:40

Book it and pretend you booked it before you found out about the party. It’s your ex-MIL and ex-H’s fault for not giving enough notice.

rookiemere · 13/04/2018 13:41

Honestly, I'm not sure this is worth being a hill to die on.

You said relations were fractious at the minute anyway and whilst it's very clear to us that your reasons for the DCs missing this party have nothing to do with being spiteful, and all to do with finances, your Exh is unlikely to see it that way.

Could you look at doing something during the summer instead ?Yes I know it's pricey but sometimes can get reasonable deals/prices if you're prepared to go on last week or choose a slightly different destination.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 13/04/2018 13:41

Sounds quite spiteful.

PuppyMonkey · 13/04/2018 13:41

Book the hol and if anyone asks why the kids never mentioned the holiday when they were told about the party, say you booked the holiday as a surprise for them.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/04/2018 13:44

Book and go!

stressedbeyond123 · 13/04/2018 13:44

what sounds quite spiteful iamagreyhoundhearmeroar

Piffle11 · 13/04/2018 13:44

YANBU. Either book your holiday, or say it's booked already. The thing about big birthday or other celebration bashes is that you rarely get to spend any time with the person throwing the party. The amount of family get togethers that we dragged our DC to - because 'they must come, I/we really want to see them - only to have them spoken to once then pretty much ignored for the rest of the time ... we decided not to do it anymore. I'm sure your DC will have a much better time on holiday than at granny's birthday party! Besides, who tells the DC they're coming to a party rather than asking the DM first (apart from my MIL!!)?

Original poster
dragonator · 13/04/2018 13:45

Glad not everyone thinks IBU!

We are already going away in the summer, and for nearly a fortnight, a long time for us! Don't want to go away again then, as that would be narrowing ex's options and will take ds away from his favourite sport for longer.

I'm definitely not doing it out of spite. I just want to go away and have a nice break with my dc.

OP posts:
BubblesAndSquarks · 13/04/2018 13:47

Book it, tell the kids where you're going for half term. If it falls on ex's normal contact day text him to let him know now and if there's a fuss say 'well if you knew you wanted the DC then why didn't you let me know when you first found out? Its already booked now.'
If its not a time he'd normally have them then wait for him to bring it up then let him know you're away then.

PinkCalluna · 13/04/2018 13:48

You were intending to book it, so I would go ahead with that (assuming the children aren’t desperate to attend your MIL’s party).

Then I would organise for a bunch of flowers to be sent to MIL on her birthday from you and the D.C.

MagneticMan · 13/04/2018 13:49

Not seeing how it's spiteful to go ahead with plans you already had in mind. It's not as if you've decided to go on holiday to deliberately avoid the children going to ex MIL's party.

I'd say it had already been booked.

BabiesComeWithHats · 13/04/2018 13:50

Dear MIL

The DCs said something about a party next month. Just to let you know that we'll be away from X to Y for half term as per our usual arrangements for thtt week , so perhaps we can arrange a nice lunch with your DGCs when you're back?

Have a lovely celebration.
Dragonator

diddl · 13/04/2018 13:51

I would have already booked it.

Will your ex be able to take the kids to see his mum on/near her bday?

TheJoyOfSox · 13/04/2018 13:53

Book the holiday. Tell you’re ex that the holiday was booked ages ago, but you’ve not told dc yet, you assumed as it was your birthday week that you would have the children. No need to explain further.

SweetMoon · 13/04/2018 13:53

If it were me i'd book it and just say you had already paid a deposit when the kids told you about the party, but you hadn't told the kids yet about the holiday as it was going to be a surprise. That way you are not asking the kids to lie.

I'd only book it though if you're sure the kids would perfer it to mils party.

Missingstreetlife · 13/04/2018 13:53

Go, unless kids really get on with granny and want to be at the birthday, or it is an opportunity to spend time with family they won't otherwise see.