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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To deliberately book a holiday that will prevent dc going to ex mil's birthday extravaganza?

145 replies

dragonator · 13/04/2018 13:22

We have had a bit of a rubbish Easter for one reason or another and I decided to look for a cheap trip away for May half-term to make up for it. My birthday also falls in that week, and ex and I have an unofficial agreement that I will always have the dc for my birthday.

I've been looking at flights, and considering a huge range of destinations (will just go wherever's cheapest!) but all of them are cheapest for the second half of the week, by quite a big difference - about £200-300, making it unaffordable as cheap 'extra' holiday/treat. My birthday is on the Thursday.

This morning the dc have come back from visiting ex and his parents and have announced that his mother, who has a milestone birthday that falls about a week before mine, is having a party the day after my birthday and they are invited - formal invitations will follow apparently. It is being held down the other end of the country, so will almost certainly mean them going down on my birthday, which is against our arrangement. I wouldn't mind that too much, as a one off, though it's annoying not to be asked but to hear it as a fact from the dc - but that's normal for ex. However, I really don't want to miss out on going away to accommodate this.

I also don't think it'll be great for the dc. There will be no one there their own ages. Ten years ago when she did a similar thing and ex and I were still together, I ended up holding the babies all day and being ignored by everyone. I feel it would be similar for them this year, but without me there. They are obviously older, so can be left to their own devices so will probably sit bored in a corner/ on dd1's phone or something. They would only know ex, mil and sil - and they would all be busy enjoying the party. Basically, I feel they would get more from being away with me.

WIBU to book my mini-break and feign ignorance of the party, as ex/mil can't be sure the dc have told me - don't think they were told to? Or I could say that I had already booked when the dc told me, but that means getting the dc to lie too, which I'm not happy with. The other option is being upfront and saying I'm booking anyway, and using my birthday as further justification, but that seems very confrontational and things are already bad between me and ex as he is contesting CM.

WIBU to do any of the above, or should I just let them go and miss out on going away?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 13/04/2018 17:10

I thought on mumsnet it was considered rather childish to be precious about one's birthday when one was an adult.

Whilst I can certainly understand that the OP would like to have the DCs on her birthday, the formal celebration of a milestone birthday of an close elder relative of the DCs seems to trump that someone to me.

Also OP would not be cancelling anything as she has not booked anything as yet. Plus hardly "rare holiday" when she's taking them away for a fortnight in the summer and - should she want to- organise another holiday in that period as well.

So yes I agree with Infinitesheldon somewhat spiteful.

Weezol · 13/04/2018 17:10

Am I reading this right - he wouldn't see them at all in the holidays if you don't suggest dates to him? He never asks to have them?
Hope you have booked and had a confirmation. Seriously, do not contact XMIL about this. Her route to contact with them is via their father. If she's too blind to his faults to realise that, that's on them.

Original poster
dragonator · 13/04/2018 17:20

rookie I don't think it's being precious about my birthday to want to spend it with the dc. And there is also the small fact that we have an arrangement that the dc spend the day with me and no adult has had the decency to ask me if it can be changed this year. So I'm expected not to book, just on what my dc have told me. Aside from anything else, what if they've got the date wrong? I think your points would be fair if I'd been asked and was refusing, but that's not what's happening.

I often wonder Weezol what would happen in the holidays if I didn't suggest dates, and sometimes think about not saying anything to see if he ever contacts me and askes to see them. I don't do that though, because it wouldn't be fair on the dc, who like to know what's going to be happening and would probably be hurt if I had to say their dad hadn't bothered to get in touch about seeing them over a holiday.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 13/04/2018 17:29

Ultimately dragonator you sound like a really nice person and it sounds like you've gone out of your way over the years to ensure that the DCs have a relationship with their not so great DF.

I just think on this occasion the DCs have been told when the event has been taken place - not sure what age they are but presumably at least 11 based on your opening post - so whilst no adult has informed you, you have been notified. It's a milestone party and presumably a big deal to Ex-MIL and a large family meet up, so I just feel in the long run it would be better for the DCs to go to it.

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/04/2018 17:44

Book and enjoy!

It's your birthday and your contact time. They haven't had the good grace to ask you personally and the kids would likely much prefer the holiday.

I can't believe anyone thinks you are being unreasonable Confused

Butterymuffin · 13/04/2018 17:49

So he isn't proactive in making arrangements: you have to do it. But when he is disorganised or needs flexibility, you are expected to then fit around that. That seems like a whole lot of wifework and general 'being nice' he still expects of you.

On birthdays, MN opinion is that if you expect people even to remember it is your birthday at all, you're being precious. It's not really how people are IRL.

backinthatdress · 13/04/2018 17:50

rookiemere - telling the DC isnt good enough. Arrangments need to be made via adults not children. Children get it wrong sometimes so if the ex wants them there he needs to actually tell the OP himself.

It really doesnt matter that its a milestone birthday and a big deal to the op EX MIL, its also the OP birthday and a big deal to her, she has already explained she always does something with her DC so why should this year be any different and its her contact time.

I dont see how it would be any better for them to go to a party to meet extended family they hardly see with no other children the same age, then to actually spend it with there mum on holiday.

fuzzywuzzy · 13/04/2018 17:50

From description of said XMIL’s milestone birthday parties it doesn’t sound like the dc will have fun, the light aircraft flights sound dangerous. And it won’t actually be XMIL’s birthday anyway.

Book it and go. And have a wonderful time.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 13/04/2018 17:59

Given that your ex hasn’t had the courtesy to ask you about swapping your time with your DCs yet, the risks surrounding the plane would make it a no-brainer for me. Book the holiday quickly and then just point out that they should have asked you first if they wanted the DCs to be able to go. IME children frequently get extremely bored at big parties unless there are plenty of cousins etc their own age there.

Ginger1982 · 13/04/2018 18:08

Rookie if it was that important to the MIL surely she would have contacted the OP about it rather than using the kids, you know, like normal people would? 🙄

rookiemere · 13/04/2018 18:32

Well I suppose we don't know how important it is to Exmil that her GC attend. She could be unbothered I suppose, but she presumably told her own DS and has now told the GCs and a formal invite will follow. She is perhaps assumingly - incorrectly - that having verballly communicated to those she is in contact with, that the GCs will attend.

I'm clearly in the minority here, which I'm fine with. I can see that going on holiday is not wrong either.

MissP103 · 13/04/2018 18:33

OP don't sweat it. Book the holiday and go. Your birthday as their mother far, far trumps a grandmothers birthday.

BrendasUmbrella · 13/04/2018 18:43

Your thread title sounds a bit vindictive so some people will just react off that, but your post is entirely reasonable. You have the kids on your birthday, you were already looking to book a trip, your ex didn't have the basic respect to mention her party. Book it!

Weezol · 14/04/2018 12:12

Hopefully you have now had your booking confirmation. Have a lovely time Cake.

Bringmejavabringmejoy · 14/04/2018 13:17

Book it and have a great time.

On a side note, no way would my DC be going

Bringmejavabringmejoy · 14/04/2018 13:19

Oops#

... Up in a light aircraft with an amateur of any age!

ohfourfoxache · 14/04/2018 13:23

Fuck it - book it and don’t feel guilty

DalmatianSpots · 14/04/2018 13:23

The fact that they haven’t even properly asked you s what clinches it for me. YANBU

TheLastNigel · 14/04/2018 13:27

I think at some point when separated you have to start putting yourself (and dc) first and stop giving as much of a fuck about your ex in laws etc...because you can bet you don't get the same consideration in reverse anyway and that way madness lies.

It's less spiteful I think than just...the realisation of that.

TinaTop · 14/04/2018 13:44

YANBU. If Ex and MIL were that bothered about DC attending the party they'd have checked they were available on that date before booking, especially as it falls during your normal contact time. You need to send a clear message that they can't just make arrangements and expect DC to be available. Plus you need to prevent them going in an aircraft with some doddery old man - very unsafe imo.

Book your holiday and don't mention it. As far as Ex and MIL know, you haven't been informed about this party. See how late they leave it before bothering to tell you. If nothing else it might make them grow up and speak to you directly when they want to make plans.

Handsfull13 · 14/04/2018 14:25

I would book it. They haven't told you so it's not official.
If they ask why you didn't tell the kids straight away so clearly you did it after they told you, say you wanted to see if the booking was transferable but it's not.
I'd consider stepping back with the dates in the future and only propose half what you usually do to see if he picks up the other half.

timeisnotaline · 14/04/2018 14:32

Contact your mil directly - say dc mentioned a party when they came back on Thursday (whenever). I’m teribky sorry but we have a mini holiday booked for my birthday so they won’t be able to come. I did look at the cost of changing the holiday to the weeek before but it’s too much, I can’t afford the holiday At all if I do that. I hope you have a lovely day, I’ll mention to ex dh that he should give me earlier notice of these things so we can work dates out if possible.

kungpopanda · 14/04/2018 15:01

Faililng to see your logic, rookiemere

I thought on mumsnet it was considered rather childish to be precious about one's birthday when one was an adult
So, if we assume that adult birthdays are not important, then

the formal celebration of a milestone birthday of an close elder relative of the DCs actually trumps sweet FA.

OP, book and enjoy.

Original poster
dragonator · 14/04/2018 19:47

Well, we're all booked to go to Budapest! Somewhere I've always wanted to go and there seems to be plenty to please the dc too. Will probably email mil tomorrow as I don't want it hanging over me. Thanks everyone for all the comments and advice!

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 14/04/2018 20:07

Have you told the DC, OP?