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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To deliberately book a holiday that will prevent dc going to ex mil's birthday extravaganza?

145 replies

dragonator · 13/04/2018 13:22

We have had a bit of a rubbish Easter for one reason or another and I decided to look for a cheap trip away for May half-term to make up for it. My birthday also falls in that week, and ex and I have an unofficial agreement that I will always have the dc for my birthday.

I've been looking at flights, and considering a huge range of destinations (will just go wherever's cheapest!) but all of them are cheapest for the second half of the week, by quite a big difference - about £200-300, making it unaffordable as cheap 'extra' holiday/treat. My birthday is on the Thursday.

This morning the dc have come back from visiting ex and his parents and have announced that his mother, who has a milestone birthday that falls about a week before mine, is having a party the day after my birthday and they are invited - formal invitations will follow apparently. It is being held down the other end of the country, so will almost certainly mean them going down on my birthday, which is against our arrangement. I wouldn't mind that too much, as a one off, though it's annoying not to be asked but to hear it as a fact from the dc - but that's normal for ex. However, I really don't want to miss out on going away to accommodate this.

I also don't think it'll be great for the dc. There will be no one there their own ages. Ten years ago when she did a similar thing and ex and I were still together, I ended up holding the babies all day and being ignored by everyone. I feel it would be similar for them this year, but without me there. They are obviously older, so can be left to their own devices so will probably sit bored in a corner/ on dd1's phone or something. They would only know ex, mil and sil - and they would all be busy enjoying the party. Basically, I feel they would get more from being away with me.

WIBU to book my mini-break and feign ignorance of the party, as ex/mil can't be sure the dc have told me - don't think they were told to? Or I could say that I had already booked when the dc told me, but that means getting the dc to lie too, which I'm not happy with. The other option is being upfront and saying I'm booking anyway, and using my birthday as further justification, but that seems very confrontational and things are already bad between me and ex as he is contesting CM.

WIBU to do any of the above, or should I just let them go and miss out on going away?

OP posts:

PigletJohn · 13/04/2018 15:14

I think you'll find you booked it the day before yesterday.

CardinalCat · 13/04/2018 15:15

I think you would be perfectly within your rights, under the terms of the contact arrangements, and otherwise, to do as you are planning with the holiday.

However, for me, I would prefer my children to go to the party and to maintain their place at the heart of their father's family, because that to me trumps holidays.

and like hell would they be going up in the old codger's plane!

Original poster

dragonator · 13/04/2018 15:20

Cardinal not sure I could stop them going up in the plane if they go to the party. I know exactly what ex would say if I asked him not to let them go in it...

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 13/04/2018 15:27

OP doesn't have to 'rise above anything'. It shouldn't have been presumed the kids would definitely go to the party without checking first.

Leeds2 · 13/04/2018 15:27

To be honest, I would book the holiday and, when asked by Ex if he can have them for the dates of the party, just say no as you have alternative plans. You don't have to tell him when you booked it, just that you did it as your Easter holiday had been less than brilliant.
But, I think if you do this, you may find that DH books a holiday for the DC without telling you at some point in the future. At which point, it would be difficult for you to say no.
Also, do you need his permission to take the children abroad (I am assuming you are thinking of going abroad)?
Fwiw, I would also be forbidding them to go in the plane. All you can do though is tell the DC, and hope they aren't persuaded otherwise.

worridmum · 13/04/2018 15:28

I just hope you wont want ANY flexibilty from your Ex if you have an important event happen on his contact time he would be well within his rights to refuse you and I would if you were being inflexible your end. As in I hope none of your family book their wedding / funeral / birthday parties during his contact time.

CardinalCat · 13/04/2018 15:32

Well that alone would be enough for me to refuse my permission to attend, which is a shame, because I do believe that families where the parents have separated should try to be accommodating around access/ contact in the event of milestone occasions, and to keep the kids at the heart of both paternal and maternal families. What do the kids think?

diddl · 13/04/2018 15:32

I think that the longer you leave it the less credible it will be to tell him that you have already booked to go away.

If you ask the kids now it might look as if you are offering the holiday so that they will choose not to go to MIL's party.

Do you usually do anything with them on your birthday?

Original poster

dragonator · 13/04/2018 15:34

Aside from the example I gave, I have been utterly flexible ever since we split. Really. As I said, he's disorganised and has a weekend-based hobby I frequently accommodate. No doubt he might react with spite, yes, but I can't help that as I've helped him out so many times over the years, if he wants to kick off the one time he won't, what can I do?

As I have said, our arrangements are informal. There is no contact order and, though we have set days in term time, in the holidays he just waits for me to suggest when he had them. So if there was a special event in my family, I wouldn't tell him and would just suggest dates that suited me and the date. That's the upside for me of his lack of forward planning and passivity.

OP posts:

Original poster

dragonator · 13/04/2018 15:35

the one time I won't

OP posts:

backinthatdress · 13/04/2018 15:38

worridmum - shes not being inflexible though, she already had plans to go away! over her birthday... why should she cancel the plans she was making because her ex cant grow up enough and ask to have the kids with enough notice. They already know the date so why hasnt he asked or at least mentioned it? because he thinks its his right and can just tell the OP and she will have to go along with it, which she doesnt have to do.

Im sure the OP has enough sense that if she needed to change a date she might actually be grown up enough to have ta connversation with her ex as well instead of sending her children to do it.

willynillypie · 13/04/2018 15:40

OP I would be thinking "fuck that shit", and taking the children on holiday.

You are supposed to have them then
Them going means they will miss some of your birthday
No one consulted you about this
You planned to take the holiday then prior to finding out/can't really change when you'd like to go due to financial reasons
If they went they would probably end up going in some rickety plane which you don't want but couldn't prevent

These are all excellent reasons why YANBU

Original poster

dragonator · 13/04/2018 15:41

diddl yes, we always go on a day out somewhere new and more costly than normal. And my luxury treat is I don't do a packed lunch - we buy it out . This would be the first time we actually go on a mini-break.

OP posts:

Original poster

dragonator · 13/04/2018 15:45

Thinking about it, it's quite possible that ex has remembered our birthday arrangement, knows I won't want this, is too scared to tell his dm, doesn't want to discuss it with me and ask me because it's a favour and he would have to ask nicely - all recent communications from him have been nasty due to the CM issue, so he's just putting it off, like he does. Then, when I say no because it's too late, he will probably tell mil he asked me ages ago and paint me as the bad guy who either refused or agreed then changed her evil, money-grabbing mind...

OP posts:

Original poster

dragonator · 13/04/2018 15:47

No, he won't ever ask me but will tell mil he did and I said no. I'm sure that's what's happening here now.

OP posts:

diddl · 13/04/2018 15:48

Well then the only thing would be to contact MIL directly, that her bday has been mentioned but you already have plans that can't be altered.

She could see the on/near her bday for a bday tea or something which might be preferable for her & them anyway.

willynillypie · 13/04/2018 15:51

diddl

This is great advice - just call her and be pleasant and explain you're sorry but you have only just heard about this etc etc.

LoveInTokyo · 13/04/2018 15:52

Dragonator, if that is the truth of it then don’t make life easy for him by cancelling your plans when he hasn’t even had the grace to speak to you about it.

Just book your holiday, and then either straight afterwards or when you receive the formal invitation, call your X-MIL and say you’re really sorry but you’d made plans to go away with the children for your birthday and that your XH didn’t tell you about the party.

Original poster

dragonator · 13/04/2018 15:54

Yes, I'm going to get booking and email her over the weekend. Thanks everyone .

OP posts:

FluffyWuffy100 · 13/04/2018 16:00

I would book it and just say its already booked but you weren;t telling the kids as its a surprise given the Easter hols were a bit shit.

Soz, no can do, arrange for ex to have them the weekend before for a special bday meal and send flowers to mil from the kids on her bday. Tick.

Dodie66 · 13/04/2018 16:19

Surely they should have contacted you to make arrangements for them to get to the party etc. If they haven’t how are you to know what their plans are. I would book and go away. Good luck

Ariela · 13/04/2018 16:24

I'd book the trip, then, if MIL thinks you hadn't booked till after the DC had told you, you can say 'I didn't say anything about having booked as I knew they'd be disappointed not to go to your party, and I thought I could change the holiday dates to the earlier part of the week but it is far far too expensive to change'

InfiniteSheldon · 13/04/2018 16:28

Spiteful and you know it or you wouldn't be posting.

timeisnotaline · 13/04/2018 17:04

sheldon spiteful would be if it weren’t the ops birthday and she didn’t have a rare holiday planned m, but made up something to keep her kids away from mil. This isnt the case at all- it is perfectly understandable that she wants her children on her birthday and doesn’t want to be guilted that she isn’t prioritising mils bday party over that, and it isn’t at all spiteful that she doesn’t want to cancel holiday plans!

diddl · 13/04/2018 17:09

I think if the kids can go to MIL on/around her bday that's fair enough.

If her son cba to make that happen then that's down to him.

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