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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To deliberately book a holiday that will prevent dc going to ex mil's birthday extravaganza?

145 replies

dragonator · 13/04/2018 13:22

We have had a bit of a rubbish Easter for one reason or another and I decided to look for a cheap trip away for May half-term to make up for it. My birthday also falls in that week, and ex and I have an unofficial agreement that I will always have the dc for my birthday.

I've been looking at flights, and considering a huge range of destinations (will just go wherever's cheapest!) but all of them are cheapest for the second half of the week, by quite a big difference - about £200-300, making it unaffordable as cheap 'extra' holiday/treat. My birthday is on the Thursday.

This morning the dc have come back from visiting ex and his parents and have announced that his mother, who has a milestone birthday that falls about a week before mine, is having a party the day after my birthday and they are invited - formal invitations will follow apparently. It is being held down the other end of the country, so will almost certainly mean them going down on my birthday, which is against our arrangement. I wouldn't mind that too much, as a one off, though it's annoying not to be asked but to hear it as a fact from the dc - but that's normal for ex. However, I really don't want to miss out on going away to accommodate this.

I also don't think it'll be great for the dc. There will be no one there their own ages. Ten years ago when she did a similar thing and ex and I were still together, I ended up holding the babies all day and being ignored by everyone. I feel it would be similar for them this year, but without me there. They are obviously older, so can be left to their own devices so will probably sit bored in a corner/ on dd1's phone or something. They would only know ex, mil and sil - and they would all be busy enjoying the party. Basically, I feel they would get more from being away with me.

WIBU to book my mini-break and feign ignorance of the party, as ex/mil can't be sure the dc have told me - don't think they were told to? Or I could say that I had already booked when the dc told me, but that means getting the dc to lie too, which I'm not happy with. The other option is being upfront and saying I'm booking anyway, and using my birthday as further justification, but that seems very confrontational and things are already bad between me and ex as he is contesting CM.

WIBU to do any of the above, or should I just let them go and miss out on going away?

OP posts:

Weezol · 14/04/2018 20:32

Obviously you know MIL and I don't, but I wouldn't be sending that email. You do not need to explain what you are doing in your contact time to people who use your children as messengers. It's hard when you start to stand up for yourself, but if you want to change things you have to have a clear cut off point.

Acknowledging the party in any way confirms that you accept your children being used as messengers and perpetuates the problem.

Until either she or X asks you if the kids are free to attend, I would say nothing to either of them.

OnTheRise · 14/04/2018 20:49

I agree with Weezol. Also, have a lovely holiday and a happy birthday, OP!

ScouseQueen · 14/04/2018 20:57

Oh, good call. Budapest is lovely and the kids will enjoy it too.

Buxtonstill · 14/04/2018 21:02

Wow, you sound quite spiteful. Accepted that your ex is dreadful about booking leave, and sounds an arse, but that’s no reason to take it out on their gran. Calling it an ‘adult’ party to justify your actions is rather snippy. There may be mainly adults there, but like any other Granny, she wants to show off her grandchildren to her friends, and also wants them at her special party. You have gone to the effort and expense of booking a holiday to take that away from her? You are already going on holiday with them in the summer, so not like you are missing out on a holiday. You sound petty and particularly unkind. YABVVU.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2018 21:09

Bugger off buxton and leave OP alone to make lovely plans with her children.

If “gran” was so bloody bothered she could have had the courtesy to request the DC attend her oh so special party, you know, like a fellow grown up, rather than using the DC as messengers. Or arranged it on her son’s contact time.

No one has the right to tell OP they’re assuming her DC will be available on her contact time and her birthday for something she’s not invited to. No one.

Weezol · 14/04/2018 21:12

Buxton are you the grandmother?

Original poster

dragonator · 14/04/2018 21:21

she wants to show off her grandchildren to her friends, and also wants them at her special party.

I expect she does feel like that, but it doesn't make me want to accommodate her, tbh. The dc aren't objects to be shown off and, based on past experience, once the showing off is done I expect they'll pretty much ignored. That's fair enough as it'll be her 'do', but another reason I'm not sorry they won't be there.

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 14/04/2018 21:26

but like any other Granny, she wants to show off her grandchildren to her friends, and also wants them at her special party

That's nice, but the OP doesn't have to bend over backwards just because her ex and his mother are making plans and aren't consulting her at all.

Weezol · 14/04/2018 21:27

If she wants something to 'show off to her friends' she should hire a miniature horse for the occasion. It could be parachuted in from the light aircraft.

LoveInTokyo · 14/04/2018 21:28

“There may be mainly adults there, but like any other Granny, she wants to show off her grandchildren to her friends, and also wants them at her special party. You have gone to the effort and expense of booking a holiday to take that away from her?”

So what child wouldn’t prefer to be on a fun holiday with their mum than being paraded round to some old people they don’t know or give a shit about by their grandmother?

She hasn’t booked the holiday to “take that away from” her ex MIL. She’s simply done ahead and done something she was already planning to do during her planned time with the kids.

OP can confirm or deny this but I suspect that if ex-H or ex-MIL had contacted her when they first set the party date and asked her to make sure the kids were available, she wouldn’t have planned or booked a holiday. As it is, neither of them has had the courtesy to contact her about it. They are just assuming she will fit in with their plans even if they can’t be arsed to communicate them to her properly.

Ex-MIL’s birthday is the week before but she has chosen to have her party at a time that she knows clashes with OP’s birthday. Maybe there’s a good reason for that, but it’s all the more reason to save the date sooner rather than later (and not through a verbal message passed on by the children).

ilovegin112 · 14/04/2018 22:12

Just wondering if the kids don’t go to the party will ex cause problems with you going away in the summer?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/04/2018 09:51

I doubt it. He never bothers to arrange to see his children unless OP contacts him with dates. On this occasion, his mother’s milestone birthday didn’t register enough to have a civil exchange with his ex to ask if he could actually have them.

It’s a possibility but he doesn’t sound like he has the presence of mind or wherewithal to be awkward, especially if it means having more time with him children.

FASH84 · 15/04/2018 09:53

Book it, say it was already booked before you knew about the party if it makes things easier.

cuddly61 · 15/04/2018 12:33

I would book it.
I had something although not like your situation where I booked a holiday same week partner would go over and see his family on their annual holiday about a hour from us. Normally I had no problem with this but this particular year he was also taking aunt and uncles on holiday for ten days. I wasn’t invited.
But wow when he and his mum found out I had booked our holiday the same week his family had a holiday near us they kicked up so much mil was saying I should cancel our holiday and my partner was siding with her .

Weezol · 15/04/2018 12:55

Read the thread - it's booked!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/04/2018 12:59

OMG you will LOVE Budapest! It's a beautiful city. I'm not sure what the DCs will do that is child-specific, but I love the baths, the promenade on the river, the markets and the Fisherman's Bastion. I also loved the statue park and I've done a couple of fantastic day trips from there, mainly along the Danube. The fountain that plays music on the island is beautiful. One of my favourite cities!

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/04/2018 16:17

I think it's highly suspicious that she's arranged this for the day after your birthday even though her birthday is a week earlier.....

MistressDeeCee · 15/04/2018 16:32

I'd ask the DCs what they want to do. They'll probably go for the holiday. I would still ask tho, as you're projecting they'll be bored/won't know anyone/won't enjoy it etc..

If you're so sure about this then why haven't you quickly asked them what they prefer?

& if they said they want to go to the party then what would you do? It doesn't sound as if you'd accept it.

Your DCs are old enough to decide on this for themselves. Ask them and if they prefer the holiday then all good, go ahead and book. & just give a short polite explanation to ex's mum,with flowers from the DC alongside.

There'll be other family occasions via their dads side of the family that you won't be invited to, or attending. You mentioned you were annoyed at hearing about party 3rd hand but that's the way of it so best lose any annoyance feeling about this side of things now.

Your DCs won't always be children, their dad and his family will always be their family and as time goes on you will have zero involvement with family arrangements anyway

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 15/04/2018 17:04

I think it's highly suspicious that she's arranged this for the day after your birthday even though her birthday is a week earlier.....

I have to say, that was the first thought through my head when I read the OP.

KateMcCallisterHAmom · 19/04/2018 14:18

I asked my 7yo which he'd rather.
He said if his same-aged cousins were going, he'd want to go to the party.
If it was just old people and much older cousins, he'd rather the holiday.

I would have accommodated a milestone birthday for granny even if it was around my own birthday as I am not too fussed about my own birthday. The light aircraft thing would totally stress me out, especially if I am not there to judge on the day how safe the set-up is.

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