Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To deliberately book a holiday that will prevent dc going to ex mil's birthday extravaganza?

145 replies

dragonator · 13/04/2018 13:22

We have had a bit of a rubbish Easter for one reason or another and I decided to look for a cheap trip away for May half-term to make up for it. My birthday also falls in that week, and ex and I have an unofficial agreement that I will always have the dc for my birthday.

I've been looking at flights, and considering a huge range of destinations (will just go wherever's cheapest!) but all of them are cheapest for the second half of the week, by quite a big difference - about £200-300, making it unaffordable as cheap 'extra' holiday/treat. My birthday is on the Thursday.

This morning the dc have come back from visiting ex and his parents and have announced that his mother, who has a milestone birthday that falls about a week before mine, is having a party the day after my birthday and they are invited - formal invitations will follow apparently. It is being held down the other end of the country, so will almost certainly mean them going down on my birthday, which is against our arrangement. I wouldn't mind that too much, as a one off, though it's annoying not to be asked but to hear it as a fact from the dc - but that's normal for ex. However, I really don't want to miss out on going away to accommodate this.

I also don't think it'll be great for the dc. There will be no one there their own ages. Ten years ago when she did a similar thing and ex and I were still together, I ended up holding the babies all day and being ignored by everyone. I feel it would be similar for them this year, but without me there. They are obviously older, so can be left to their own devices so will probably sit bored in a corner/ on dd1's phone or something. They would only know ex, mil and sil - and they would all be busy enjoying the party. Basically, I feel they would get more from being away with me.

WIBU to book my mini-break and feign ignorance of the party, as ex/mil can't be sure the dc have told me - don't think they were told to? Or I could say that I had already booked when the dc told me, but that means getting the dc to lie too, which I'm not happy with. The other option is being upfront and saying I'm booking anyway, and using my birthday as further justification, but that seems very confrontational and things are already bad between me and ex as he is contesting CM.

WIBU to do any of the above, or should I just let them go and miss out on going away?

OP posts:

trojanpony · 13/04/2018 13:54

100% book it

Zampa · 13/04/2018 13:54

I think it would be really nasty to go ahead and book a holiday when you know there's a big milestone birthday party planned. Holidays can happen at any time.

Your DC should be allowed to make memories with their grandmother, who won't be around forever.

Imagine if your ex did this to your mum.

JennyHolzersGhost · 13/04/2018 13:54

You’ve made a plan to do something during time that is usually yours with the kids. He hasn’t requested to change the arrangements so how could you have known before making your plan that you wouldn’t have them as usual ?
It doesn’t matter whether you’ve booked or not, the plan is already made and he hasn’t asked you to change the usual arrangements. If and when he does, it will unfortunately be too late.

Shizzlestix · 13/04/2018 13:55

Just say you’ve already booked it. Your ex is the one who gets contact, not his mother.

Quartz2208 · 13/04/2018 13:55

Which would the dc prefer to do - it should be about them. Explain the options and allow them to pick; without being harsh (as I do understand) a lot of your post is I think, I feel but actually what do they prefer.

I would have pick the mini break

sockunicorn · 13/04/2018 13:56

I would book it and (so as not to make DC lie) say it was already booked and a surprise for them.

Missingstreetlife · 13/04/2018 13:57

Unless she lives near anywhere it would be nice to have a trip to?

moreDetails · 13/04/2018 13:59

Who is due to have the children? If it's your time then stick to it. If it's their father's time then you're being unreasonable.

backinthatdress · 13/04/2018 14:00

Book your holiday and take them, you have already been looking and was going to book.

When the invite comes say they cant come as your always away and you always keep them for your birthday anyway. He should of asked earlier if it was such a big deal.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/04/2018 14:00

Book it right now.

Then be astonished when a. it's suggested that they be away on your birthday and b. that you weren't told in advance, from the adults involved.

'Well, this is a good example of why it would be better to communicate with me directly. So sorry they will miss the party, I would of course have accommodated them being away on my birthday for a special party such as this, but it's too late now.'

Might mean you get a bit more consideration in future...

Aprilmightbemynewname · 13/04/2018 14:01

Don't send flowers.
Send a plant..
Venus fly trap!!

Weezol · 13/04/2018 14:05

Given that your ex hasn't actually asked you about this, book it now and go with sockunicorn's surprise idea.

It's the adults that manage contact issues, stop letting him use the children as messengers - he's doing it so that you will be the bad guy by saying no to them.

From now on, if you haven't been consulted about variations by him, there are no variations.

ValleyClouds · 13/04/2018 14:06

I have to agree with Zampa unless there's a massive backstory

Singerleon · 13/04/2018 14:08

Book it!

corcaithecat · 13/04/2018 14:09

My lovely friend had a big milestone birthday and invited her children and grandchildren as well as friends. She has never had a b'day party in her life, so this was special. There were about 12 children of varying ages present.
DIL's vile mother chose to book a weekend away with the 2 older grandsons visiting her relatives, after she heard about the party. DIL allowed this to happen instead of suggesting she chose another weekend. This was late July so during school holidays.
I think DIL is both a twat and a cunt as she still expects my lovely friend to drop everything to mind the 3 kids whenever she fancies a night out, weekend away and during most of the school holidays. Her mum doesn't babysit often because she's single and can't be arsed.
DIL takes lovely friend completely for granted and treats her appallingly but lovely friend won't ever say anything because she loves the grandkids so much and doesn't want to rock the boat.

OP, you may hate the ex but do you hate your ex MIL?

backinthatdress · 13/04/2018 14:13

Zampa - Im sure if the OP was booking a party for her mum she would book it on a day she actually has her kids or maybe act like a grown up and contact the ex direct at the time of booking it to see if the kids can come knowing its not her weekend!

MacaroniPenguin · 13/04/2018 14:13

I think the fact you have a 2 week holiday lined up in the summer hols already swings it for me. Let them go to the party and have a couple of nights away in the uk instead as your half term trip. It's part of them staying connected to that side of the family.

If you do go, you had conveniently booked it already but not told the DC. And I agree about not using DC as messengers.

HoneyBadger32 · 13/04/2018 14:16

I would let the kids go to the party that they've been invited too, surely you can celebrate your birthday with them the day before if you have too? I think missing a big mile stone birthday of their grandma just to make a point is a bit mean.

incywincybitofa · 13/04/2018 14:19

Wow there are some missing the points on here
Firstly She isn't the daughter in law anymore.
Secondly the contact order means that she has the children for her birthday as I am sure does her ex on his, so she is being told to give up her contact time at a special time for her, to accommodate his mum and without discussion.
Thirdly if the ex and his mum wanted to plan something that wasn't within his contact period they or he should have spoken to OP first.
I am assuming if OP is booking a holiday that week it is her contact time, if that is to change it needs a discussion.
Finally she tried to arrange this to do something positive for her children as their mother, and is now being coerced into doing something she doesn't think they will find a positive experience for his mother. And yet we complain that so many women are doormats, until we want a poster to become a doormat.

fuzzywuzzy · 13/04/2018 14:19

Those who are saying OP is unreasonable/mean. Did you miss that the MIL’s birthday is a week before OP’s birthday. Therefore the birthday party is happening a week after the MIL’s actual birthday.

SomeKnobend · 13/04/2018 14:21

I'd go. It's your contact time and up to you what to do with it. It's not like ex has even asked to change arrangements yet, and even if he did you're perfectly entitled to say get to fuck, as if I'm spending my birthday alone during my contact time because Mil arranged her party for inconvenient dates no.

PositivelyPERF · 13/04/2018 14:22

Ask your ex if he’d be willing to pay the extra that it will cost for the children to go away a different week, as it’s more expensive. If he’s not, then was decision.

Original poster

dragonator · 13/04/2018 14:23

I’m pretty sure the dc would prefer the holiday, but will make sure before I book anything. The only complication is there is a relative down there who is hosting the event and he has a light aircraft he will apparently be taking guests up in. Ds especially seemed mildly excited about this. I’m not keen – I see those things as dangerous and he is quite an elderly man and rarely flies it. The one time ex and I went down there with mil, mil and ex bitched about the man the whole time as had apparently taken mil’s share of an inheritance and ex moaned that when he took us for lunch it was the cheapest pub in the village , so why she’s chosen his miles-from-anywhere house to have her party I don’t know. But it’s nothing to do with me.

Ex and I share the school holidays about 80/20 to me, but ex never plans anything and just waits for me to suggest when he could have them, then generally agrees, unless he can’t and then he just has them less rather than suggesting an alternative. He’s passive and badly organised tbh. In fact, I’ve just remembered that two years ago I asked my parents to postpone a visit (they live 3 hours away) so the dc could go to his dad’s milestone birthday party. Ex had forgotten to mention it until a couple of days before and it fell on ‘my’ weekend, so I do have form for not being spiteful!

To the poster who asked if I hate mil – no, but in all honesty I don’t particularly like her and don’t feel I owe her, unlike the dil in the example you gave. I don’t think my situation is similar, tbh.

I will speak to the dc and see what they say again.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 13/04/2018 14:23

Yes it seems petty that the party is after her birthday (and probably deliberately) but at the heart of it there are two children who will have to deal with the repercussions of missing the party. If they are happy to great - if they would prefer to go then

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/04/2018 14:24

Your ex has no right to tell the DC what they’re doing on what’s already longstanding agreed contact time they have with you. That would piss me right off.

They’re always with you for your birthday so they’re not available to be with him travelling elsewhere that day, wherever it might be. Cheeky sod.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6