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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To deliberately book a holiday that will prevent dc going to ex mil's birthday extravaganza?

145 replies

dragonator · 13/04/2018 13:22

We have had a bit of a rubbish Easter for one reason or another and I decided to look for a cheap trip away for May half-term to make up for it. My birthday also falls in that week, and ex and I have an unofficial agreement that I will always have the dc for my birthday.

I've been looking at flights, and considering a huge range of destinations (will just go wherever's cheapest!) but all of them are cheapest for the second half of the week, by quite a big difference - about £200-300, making it unaffordable as cheap 'extra' holiday/treat. My birthday is on the Thursday.

This morning the dc have come back from visiting ex and his parents and have announced that his mother, who has a milestone birthday that falls about a week before mine, is having a party the day after my birthday and they are invited - formal invitations will follow apparently. It is being held down the other end of the country, so will almost certainly mean them going down on my birthday, which is against our arrangement. I wouldn't mind that too much, as a one off, though it's annoying not to be asked but to hear it as a fact from the dc - but that's normal for ex. However, I really don't want to miss out on going away to accommodate this.

I also don't think it'll be great for the dc. There will be no one there their own ages. Ten years ago when she did a similar thing and ex and I were still together, I ended up holding the babies all day and being ignored by everyone. I feel it would be similar for them this year, but without me there. They are obviously older, so can be left to their own devices so will probably sit bored in a corner/ on dd1's phone or something. They would only know ex, mil and sil - and they would all be busy enjoying the party. Basically, I feel they would get more from being away with me.

WIBU to book my mini-break and feign ignorance of the party, as ex/mil can't be sure the dc have told me - don't think they were told to? Or I could say that I had already booked when the dc told me, but that means getting the dc to lie too, which I'm not happy with. The other option is being upfront and saying I'm booking anyway, and using my birthday as further justification, but that seems very confrontational and things are already bad between me and ex as he is contesting CM.

WIBU to do any of the above, or should I just let them go and miss out on going away?

OP posts:
TERFragetteCity · 13/04/2018 14:25

It is pretty spiteful to invite kids to a party during a time their mother has them yes.

BewareOfDragons · 13/04/2018 14:26

I would book the holiday.

I wouldn't let me children go up in the plane, anyway, so I wouldn't even consult the children tbh.

If your MIL wanted them there, truly, she would have asked and had it on a weekend her own son could transport his children to/from it.

turnipfarmers · 13/04/2018 14:27

Book it unless your DCs would prefer to go to the party.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 13/04/2018 14:27

Book the holiday. You’d already booked it by the time the children told you about their gran’s party but you didn’t want to tell them about it til nearer the time as a nice surprise. I might be biased but mine would get more out of a holiday than a birthday party for a grandparent.

MixedHerbs · 13/04/2018 14:29

Know what I'd do? Book a luxury lodge or something in the same area as the party.
Spend my birthday with the DC, arrange a great activity, drop the DC off for the party at the allotted time and collect them at finishing time.
When ex asks about arrangements for getting the DC to party, just say well we have so many holiday plans but they'll be there, no worries.

But then I revel in my International Woman Of Mystery alter ego. And o know it'd drive MIL etc crazy knowing we were holidaying somewhere in the area but it was none of their business.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 13/04/2018 14:33

I suspect your MIL has in mind a big family photo with all the generations present. If so she may not be too chuffed your DC aren’t there for the party. Not to say you shouldn’t book the holiday, but be prepared for fallout.

In any event I would tell the DC you have already booked (but can cancel) otherwise they might inadvertently blow your cover.

Zampa · 13/04/2018 14:33

backinthatdress Life doesn't always happen during the scheduled hours of a contact order. I'd expect some flexibility on both sides to accommodate weddings, funerals, christenings etc.

MumW · 13/04/2018 14:34

I'd be tempted to go with "What a shame, I've already booked a surprise mini break for us, if only you'd spoken to me first..."

incywincybitofa · 13/04/2018 14:38

The problem with light aircraft flights is they are very weather dependent so there is no guarantee he would take anyone up, even if this was anything more than excited chatter.
I would offer the Ex the dates around his mother's actual birthday and they can go up and celebrate with her on the day. Just like they can celebrate with you on your day.
I think that precisely because you have form for accommodating your FIL's birthday, the assumption was made that you and your plans and birthday if he's remembered don't matter and given you have years of this ahead of you I would nip that idea right in the bud.

Zampa · 13/04/2018 14:38

Asking the kids isn't fair in the same way that using them as messengers isn't fair. Both actions put them in a difficult position - in trying to please one parent, they know they'll upset another.

OP is having another holiday over the summer and could even go away a week later on this occasion. The party is a one off event that won't be repeated.

rookiemere · 13/04/2018 14:38

I know it's frustrating and if you'd already booked the holiday then that would have been a done deal. However you haven't booked the holiday yet, you're taking them on a fortnight long holiday in the summer and if you wanted to take them for another holiday then, it sounds like it would be possible, therefore I'd let them go to the party.

I just think it's important for DCs to be part of both sides of the family. Planning a big event is difficult, and it's hardly the MILs job to keep up with the vagaries of which weekends her DS has the DGCs. Surely its good that GPs want their GC to be there - and yes the GC will be bored - most people are at family events - doesn't mean they shouldn't happen and young people shouldn't attend.

Gemini69 · 13/04/2018 14:40

Book it x

incywincybitofa · 13/04/2018 14:41

Sorry I meant EX FIL

incywincybitofa · 13/04/2018 14:46

The MIL will be well aware there is a contact agreement in place and so it isn't unreasonable for her to check if the children will be with her son on the date she has chosen or whether (before she books) the OP can make an accommodation for the special occasion. She is also likely to be aware that it is the OPs birthday on the day the children would need to travel up.
Celebrating and being with both sides is important and the OP has ensured that has happened in the past, but why not celebrate her birthday with her children given it is her day and no one has checked with her if it's OK for her to move her dates and loose out on her celebration.
It's the lack of respect for the OP in all of this that is the problem, the booking of the holiday (and how she spends her time with her children) is a red herring, and making EXs family trump her and hers consistently.

rookiemere · 13/04/2018 14:52

I read it differently incy. I think its reasonable for both sides to have a certain amount of flexibility around visitation arrangements.

It's unlikely the MIL has remembered the date of OP's birthday or known that there is a firm arrangement that OP has the DCs on that date. We don't know how many people are going to this party. If there are 20 or more then its impossible to get a date that suits everyone, so they've probably just plumped for something that looks ok.

backinthatdress · 13/04/2018 14:56

Zampa - then he should have more respect and asked.

He would know its OP birthday, his mothers birthday doesnt trump the OP birthday and she was already making plans.

Original poster
dragonator · 13/04/2018 14:58

I don't expect Mil to have remembered my birthday, though I bet she does as it's near hers and fil's and until last year she sent me a card. She may not be aware of the arrangement for me to have the dc on it, but she could have made an educated guess I would want to. But, regardless, ex knows, or should, and at least one of them should be contacting me about this officially, like, now. It will be interesting to see when the official invitation finally arrives... It involves having the dc for at least 3 days so should be sooner rather than later imo.

OP posts:
Zampa · 13/04/2018 14:59

backinthatdress - maybe the DC have jumped the gun? Maybe the party was mentioned in passing? OP says that formal invitations are to follow. Perhaps details are being finalised and then he'll raise the matter? Who knows?

incywincybitofa · 13/04/2018 14:59

But the OP has shown flexibility which is why I suspect the MIL didn't check, she will be aware her GC aren't with their father every weekend and all through the holidays so she should check if they are available that week, precisely because of the possibility of the OP having her own plans if it's her contact time.
She may have to accommodate a lot of people, but accommodating her GCs time should also be a consideration if she is going to accommodate others.
To me flexibility in this case would be, "Dragon I would love the children to join me for my party, the date would be ---, will that be a problem?"
Rather than "Guess what kids you're coming to my party and great uncle Bulgaria is going to be giving everyone flights in his plane, wont that be fun?"

backinthatdress · 13/04/2018 15:02

it's hardly the MILs job to keep up with the vagaries of which weekends her DS has the DGCs

She knows her son doesnt have the kids full time and shares contact with the OP - so if she wanted the kids there that much then she could of asked her son and he could of informed her he never has the DC on that week due to the OP birthdays, but he probaly thought the MIL birthday trumps the OP birthday which it doesnt.

StaplesCorner · 13/04/2018 15:06

stop posting on here and book it - no adult has asked you about it, you didn't know, they should have said earlier. end of.

Quartz2208 · 13/04/2018 15:08

Zampa I can see that whichever way the children are put in a difficult position

OP as much as it is going to be difficult I suspect for the sake of your children you are going to have to rise above it and send them - I suspect you know that already though

StepAwayFromGoogle · 13/04/2018 15:12

If your MIL wanted them there, truly, she would have asked and had it on a weekend her own son could transport his children to/from it.

^This.

Seriously. The MIL has just booked her birthday without checking if the DGC can attend. On a day when her son doesn't already have them and a day after the OP's birthday, which MIL will definitely remember if she was sending cards until last year!! I'm not saying she has done it deliberately but MIL does not decide when she gets to/doesn't get to see the DGC - their Mum & Dad do. No way the kids would prefer a stuffy 'milestone birthday' party over a holiday. And we're advising the OP to put the kids first.

incywincybitofa · 13/04/2018 15:13

She doesn't have to rise above it, she has plans, she might not have paid any money over but she had a plan.

backinthatdress · 13/04/2018 15:13

Zampa - Well the children clearly know the date and that invites are to follow so i would presume the children know. If he wanted the children there that much he should of asked to have them knowing its on OP birthday when making the initial plans and looking at dates.