Aibu to resent my Dad's neediness

[pupchewsleg]

My Dad moved 150 miles to live near us 5 years ago. I wish he hadn't every single day.
He constantly wants me to do things for him. I feel he moved near us because he felt we would be more useful to him. It is not because of a close relationship as I have never been close to him. I feel bad for resenting his demands on me and my time.
Every interaction is about him. Typical conversation.
Me: DS1 has got a cold.
Dad: Oh, I still can't get rid of my cold...blah blahblah.
Most of the time I don't like him very much. Sometimes I feel sorry for him as he is lonely if we go away, but won't join groups, go to church ( he says he is a Christian) etc.
My Mum died 6 years ago and that is very sad for all of us. She put up with him for 40 years, but I don't want to. My heart sinks every time I see his no. on my phone.
He constantly wants help with stuff: changing his bed (can't do it apparently), visiting large shopping Centre (can't navigate on his own he says), looking at a spot on his back (I looked twice it's fine). I resent it all.
He is a healthy, relatively fit adult and I just wish he would have his own life.
He is a self obsessed, hypochondriac who isn't interested in having friends (I have never known him to have a friend). I don't like him very much, but feel bad about it. He hasn't any idea, but I do make excuses (children, work)to not see him too often.
Am I unreasonable to resent him? I can't see a way out, and he is only going to need me more and I don't want to.

think of the things that annoy you most and then concentrate on a way of eliminating them. he is your father so i guess its reasonable for him to expect a bit of tlc now he's getting older. but clearly you should have a life and you have other responsibilities.

how often are you seeing him? do you have any brothers or sisters?

So go low contact. Make yourself unavailable most of the time. Don’t make his bed or take him round the shopping centre, that’s just ridiculous. The more you do for him, the more YOU are enabling him and deepening his sense of entitlement. Just STOP!

I feel like this about my dad. He doesn’t live close to me, but comes to stay and tries to stay longer than offered. He drives me mad wittering on about the same old stuff. He left my mum a few years ago and now he’s bored and lonely, asking if we want to go places but I have 3 children under 5 and I don’t want the burden of him, then I feel annoyed with myself for feeling like that.
I don’t know what advice to give to be honest. I imagine a fair few people will tell you to be kind to him as he’s your dad and won’t be around forever, but that’s not helpful if you don’t get on and you’re his port of call for everything.

I am his first port of call for every small worry. I have 2 siblings. One male, one female, one older, one younger. There is no good reason it should always be me, apart from proximity.
He also makes no effort to visit them, but visits his brother (who has a big house and is a good host) three or four times a year.
If he wasn't my Dad he is not someone I would spend time with. Sometimes on the phone I have to hold the phone away from my ear because I can't bear it. He also frequently tells me the same things he told me yesterday, and doesn't stop even when I say. If I could dilute him it would be better, but I get all of it. I love it when he goes away for a few days.
I know I sound horrible..

It sounds like you have contact with him everyday?? You're absolutely not BU and for the sake of your long term relationship with him you must cut down contact somehow.. how often does he call you? Or is it calling in?? I suppose you've tried not answering the phone.. maybe a text after a missed call saying something like Not a good time dad, I'll give you a call tomorrow/on XX'? And just keep it up till he starts to get the message...

Have you suggested groups/church/hobbies to him if he's lonely?

I think backing off a bit would be a start. You don’t sound horrible; it’s a very difficult position to be in, to be tied to someone you would never bother with in real life. That’s exactly how I feel about my dad, I simply wouldn’t listen to his small minded, intolerant views and boring stories if I wasn’t his daughter. I resent it to be honest.
Do you think the repetition could be the start of dementia?

He's lonely and has no social life. Is there any way you can get him involved in a local group? He's a grown adult and should be able to do that himself but he's clearly not going to.

Is he in good physical and mental health?

I mean is there any hint of say dementia or age-related conditions?

I was also going to say that the repetition and if he needs help for going shopping (rather than company) could be a sign of early dementia? He sounds very lonely. Our county has a befriending service as part of the Carers Association. If this is available where you live then maybe someone could visit and take him shopping to take some of the responsibility from your shoulders? Would your siblings do a "rota" with you so you would only need to be available for dad 1 week in 3?

I have persuaded him not to just pop in, so it is mostly phone calls or arranged visits. It would be good to do something positive with him, not just chores, but once I have got those over with I just want to get away.
My MIL has her father round for dinner once a week, and unless he is ill that is the only time she sees him. That would be great, but maybe unrealistic.
He just doesn't take no for an answer. If I say I can't take him clothes shopping, he'll say what about next Monday. I told him recently I just didn't want to, but he just says, "It won't take long. I don't think I could do it on my own." He wears me down.
My siblings live 150 miles away and don't drive, so of little practical help.
He doesn't want to join stuff, make friends etc. There's lots going on here for older people but I have stopped suggesting it as there is always a spurious reason why he can't do it.... Too much standing up... The room is cold... He doesn't like the parking etc.

I don't think he has any particular signs of dementia. I think he just starts off on a script and isn't particularly interested in the listener's perspective. Apart from being overweight he's healthy and looks young (got all his hair, not very grey) for his age.

What a charmer you are. God forbid that the poor old bugger should want his family to help him out after spending 20 years looking after them.

Can't help feeling sorry for your dad here.

But he didn't really.... My Mum looked after us, knew us, cared about us, kept in touch when I moved out. Dad complained a lot. He can't remember anything about our childhood (when I ask him) as he wasn't really interested. I had a good childhood, but that was down to my Mum. I would love for my Mum to have lived nearby. They were very different people.

YANBU. You could be describing my dad. It is incredibly wearing and also guilt-inducing to be the only line of support for a needy adult family member.

I wish I had some advice but I've not yet figured my own situation out. Just wanted to say I get it.

I know how you feel OP. Sadly my mum put up with my abusive dad for my whole childhood, and this tarnished my relationship with her.
She is also incredibly shy, and although she went to a very welcoming church, she just couldn't make real friends.
I live close by and she has asked so much from me for the last 15 years or so.
I love her, but I don't feel close to her and I do resent how much she has needed social contact from me and my sibling. I always wished she had her own 'crew' of friends, but it didn't happen, and she became more and more demanding of me. Other posters will find this heartless, but i was not close to her as a child so don't find it a natural way to be.

And trust me, he'll only get more needy! As he is relatively young, I would really push him to make his own social circle.

Oh gosh. Reading your post made me want to cry. How can you be so heartless? The stuff you are moaning about is trivial. I wonder if your dad senses your annoyance about him - poor guy

You are not horrible at all OP. Your father did not invest his time with you as you were growing up so of course you have barely any relationship with him as an adult.
I can only suggest that you are firm in not pandering to his constant demands. Keep the tone bright and breezy, suggest he joins clubs, church etc but it is perfectly fine to say No Dad I can't.

I honestly think you have to be more resistant to his spurious reasons for not wanting to go alone to do shopping etc. He needs to retain his independence or he’ll come to rely on you more and more-spiral of dependency which will only become worse.

You don’t sound horrible OP. People are projecting their own feelings about this stuff onto your narrative.

Mind you, I am not sure posting in AIBU was a brilliant plan. Isn’t there a specific board or thread for posts about caring for elderly parents? I’m sure I’ve seen one - your frustration might be better understood there.

YANBU. He took little interest in your childhood, when you needed looking after. Now he wants looking after, he moves house to be closer to you. It's still all about him. I would tell him how you feel and why and then keep minimum contact if that. Don't feel guilty, you are not horrible. If he had been a good dad then my answer would be different, although you still shouldn't feel obliged.

That sounds really tough, I’m not suprised you are so frustrated with him.
What happens if you are more assertive with him?