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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to resent my Dad's neediness

152 replies

pupchewsleg · 12/04/2018 20:12

My Dad moved 150 miles to live near us 5 years ago. I wish he hadn't every single day.
He constantly wants me to do things for him. I feel he moved near us because he felt we would be more useful to him. It is not because of a close relationship as I have never been close to him. I feel bad for resenting his demands on me and my time.
Every interaction is about him. Typical conversation.
Me: DS1 has got a cold.
Dad: Oh, I still can't get rid of my cold...blah blahblah.
Most of the time I don't like him very much. Sometimes I feel sorry for him as he is lonely if we go away, but won't join groups, go to church ( he says he is a Christian) etc.
My Mum died 6 years ago and that is very sad for all of us. She put up with him for 40 years, but I don't want to. My heart sinks every time I see his no. on my phone.
He constantly wants help with stuff: changing his bed (can't do it apparently), visiting large shopping Centre (can't navigate on his own he says), looking at a spot on his back (I looked twice it's fine). I resent it all.
He is a healthy, relatively fit adult and I just wish he would have his own life.
He is a self obsessed, hypochondriac who isn't interested in having friends (I have never known him to have a friend). I don't like him very much, but feel bad about it. He hasn't any idea, but I do make excuses (children, work)to not see him too often.
Am I unreasonable to resent him? I can't see a way out, and he is only going to need me more and I don't want to.

OP posts:
lynmilne65 · 13/04/2018 09:45

If anyone's nasty its not the OP, shame on you old witches

TheXXFactor · 13/04/2018 09:46

This is just what some parents do, particularly the male ones and particularly to their daughters

This. Amazing the number of people on here who think that it's a woman's duty to serve a man who can't be arsed to change his own sheets Hmm

From what the OP has said, her father is probably in his 60s. He could have 30 years to live. Is she supposed to spend three decades as his servant?

catinapoolofsunshine · 13/04/2018 09:49

Old witches Lynn ? That's a peculiar thing to write. What makes you think the people having a pop at the OP are old? If anything I'd bet a lot (but not all) of them are too young to have been in the OP's position and are romanticising what they think they'd do, whilst the others might be older but with nicer parents/ late parents or less likely indeed be the nasty needy parent ...

Mookatron · 13/04/2018 09:54

You are not nasty. I have a similar problem. Those people who are saying you should suck it up and be nice are not the ones with troublesome parents. Or any empathy. Or any idea of a world made up of shades of grey. Lucky them on all counts.

If I knew the answer I would help but obvs I don't. Just wanted to add my support.

ReversingSnail · 13/04/2018 10:01

Has he seen the GP lately? If he is negative and feeling unable to socialise or look after himself properly there m's a chance there could be more to it than laziness.

GibbousMoon · 13/04/2018 10:07

'Learned helplessness' - this springs to mind when talking about people who 'can't' change their own sheets.

MountainSkies · 13/04/2018 10:16

Wow, ignore the people saying you are being nasty OP.
Poor you and your poor mum.
Can’t make his own bed as he doesn’t know how? FFS!

Tell him you are absolutely not changing his bed linen, you don’t even need to show him how to do it. Tell him it stops today. He does it or he gets a cleaner. Give him he bus time table. Tell him you have a busy few weeks and he can come round once a week and book him in. Tell him if things don’t change you will go NC. Completely.

He wants you do do everything he sees as wife work.

TheXXFactor · 13/04/2018 10:17

Has he seen the GP lately? If he is negative and feeling unable to socialise or look after himself properly there m's a chance there could be more to it than laziness

He has been like this his whole life, according to the OP.

Beachcomber · 13/04/2018 10:23

You have my sympathy. DHs dad has recently moved countries to be near us and even lived with us for 6 months when he first arrived. He has no money, no friends and a string of ex wives. He had sporadic contact with DH throughout most but not all of his life and never paid child support or supported DHs mum in any way.

He doesn't have anything or anyone other than DH as he has neglected family, friends, made bad choices, etc his whole life.

He doesn't ask for daily contact but he asks that we do things like put his car insurance in our name because it would "be easier". He recently suggested that we see a lawyer as he has a lot of unpaid tax debt and he thinks the tax office may come to us for the money (tens of thousands of euros) as he is using our address as his official address.

He is a taker and often a piss taker and always has been. He doesn't wash much so is smelly and unpleasant to be around.

We do stuff for him. We lend him money that we know he won't pay back. We have him over for a meal once a week.

But we don't like him and we don't enjoy his company.

OP, I really feel for you. It's really hard but you need to try and put some boundaries in place. What works with my FIL is a fairly brisk not engaging too much with his nonsense. Sometimes we have to be more forceful and outright refuse certain things.
DH worries about what will happen as his father gets older. I try not to think about it too much as I know everything will fall to us.

Good luck and try not to be guilted into doing more than is reasonable and basic kindness Flowers

Xenadog · 13/04/2018 10:26

OP, what happens when he calls and you you say you can’t chat or just pop over to make his bed as you’re too busy?

I think you need to set clear boundaries with him, one phone call or 2 a week and see him once a week. This might not be doable immediately but I think you need to withdraw form him (bit by bit) for your own sanity. If he needs help with the house could he get a cleaner?

You also said he moved to be closer to you, I wonder if moving away from him is an option. That sounds drastic but some more physical distance might help.

It’s a really difficult situation , OP, but as he ages he will become more demanding and then you will be giving him all of your energy and time and you won’t be able to provide the same to your children. For everyone’s benefit you need to put boundaries in.

For those saying OP is cruel and should be kinder I say why isn’t her father being kinder and allowing his daughter to live her life without being his drudge?

ohfortuna · 13/04/2018 10:34

You must take control of the situation and stand up to him
Google broken record technique also the grey rock technique
Try and work out what level of contact and interaction you're comfortable with and then stick to it

ohfortuna · 13/04/2018 10:36

As for making his bed that's ludicrous🤤
send him a link to a YouTube video how to make a bed for goodness sake!

AuContraireStarfishHair · 13/04/2018 10:52

I would also say ignore the critics. So much of how we view our elderly parents hinges on the relationship they forged with their children years before.

It is awful to be old and lonely but it’s also hard to sweep aside years of feeling a parent was unsupportive or abusive too.

HeebieJeebies456 · 13/04/2018 10:57

"It won't take long. I don't think I could do it on my own." He wears me down.

he's basically trying to replace his last slave/victim.
Stop allowing it.

Tell him HE has to change his ways/life and take personal responsibility for his life and independence.
Tell him straight 'no' to unreasonable demands/requests.
Either he makes the effort himself or goes without.

Make it clear where your boundaries are - hospital apps etc you don't mind helping with, but becoming his personal dogsbody is not acceptable to you.

Childrenofthestones · 13/04/2018 11:05

Can't help thinking there would be a very different comments being made on here if the roles were reversed and you were a son talking about his lonely mother.

LuckyBitches · 13/04/2018 11:05

YANBU OP. I have a similar problem with my Dad's wife. We co-incidentally (and foolishly) moved from 4 to 2 miles away. I didn't realise that meant I was suddenly her possession, to be dropped in on, have people invited around to my house without my consent etc. Some people have no boundaries.

AuContraireStarfishHair · 13/04/2018 11:10

Mookatron : You are not nasty. I have a similar problem. Those people who are saying you should suck it up and be nice are not the ones with troublesome parents. Or any empathy. Or any idea of a world made up of shades of grey. Lucky them on all counts

Me too x

ohfortuna · 13/04/2018 11:11

I think a son with an intrusive and overly dependent mother would get the same advice

Beachcomber · 13/04/2018 11:15

Exactly. I'm certain that if DHs dad was still with one of his wives we would never hear from him. He spent decades doing very little for DH and never once in 10 years wished his grandchildren a happy birthday or Xmas (and I'm not talking gifts I mean never sent a text even). I don't think he knows when his own son's birthday is.
Actually now I've said that, we had the various parents round a few months ago for dinner on DHs birthday. More for them than for him! And FIL showed up empty-handed as usual and didn't even wish DH happy birthday.

Take, take, take.

I once asked him to look after the kids during the time he was staying with us - they were 9 and 11 so didn't need looking after as such but just an adult presence as I was out working all day and they were off school. He didn't lift a finger all day and the kids made HIS lunch and a salad for dinner plus setting the table and doing the dishes (I thought he had done it at first but no he sat on his arse all day and would have let me come in from work at 7.30pm and not even have done the lunch dishes let alone done anything towards an evening meal like set the table).

Sorry to rant all over your thread OP but I really know how you feel!!

Helmetbymidnight · 13/04/2018 11:21

Op I sympathise- please don't feel badly of yourself, I know people in your position - v hard running around for an ungrateful b'stard.

My dad expected me and dsis to run around after him - dsis did more than me- because she's v kind. Smile The difference was though he was always fab and interested in the gkids and appreciative so we didn't resent it.

Flowers
Fluffyears · 13/04/2018 11:22

YANBU the peoplr saying you are nasty have no idea. You have a family of your own to deal with and now have constant demands from your father, MIL is like this and also very lazy and selfish, she wanted DH to spend every Tuesday with her as she had nothing to do on a Tuesday...,Erm you know that thing he has called a job. If he goes to do her shopping she decides she wants taken for tea (he has to pay) oh and she must go to x shop 20 miles away, he used to end up being out for 8 hours on a Sunday. We only have the weekend together and to do our things. It’s worse now we live closer. Some examples-phones at 4.40 to tell us she’s been sick twice and need to go to hospital...DH refused as he to go to work and she had a bug. No other health concerns where being sick means you need a&e treatment. She then wanted eggs as she thought they’d Be good could he leave work and bring her some,,,no!!

Her washing machine wouldn’t spin could we go and have a look, we are not
Washing machine engineers and it was 2.40 we were in bed, it sprang back to life itself. DH has boundaries now and picks her up for shopping once a week in the evening. If she wants to get driven somewhere she has to let us know in advance,she calls us 4 times a day and he’ll answer one.

The op has a life she cannot be running after her father all the time. Put boundaries in, you’ll have him round got dinner, you’ll show him how to change his bed, you’ll call him on Tuesday and Thursday etc

ssd · 13/04/2018 11:25

no one gets how hard it is to look after a parent until they are in that position

I started this section years ago, as I was slowly going mad with it all

post here op

TheXXFactor · 13/04/2018 11:45

I think a son with an intrusive and overly dependent mother would get the same advice

Really? Do you know many sons who are expected to make the beds of their mothers (assuming no disability)?

InspMorse · 13/04/2018 11:50

I think a son with an intrusive and overly dependent mother would get the same advice

This. Ok, so they might not be ask their son to cook them meals or change their bed but yes to requests to do DIY, little jobs, shopping, driving around, picking stuff up etc.

InspMorse · 13/04/2018 11:52

This. Ok, so they might not be ask their son to cook them meals or change their bed but yes to requests to do DIY, little jobs, shopping, driving around, picking stuff up etc.

Can't type today! That should read:

This ^ Ok, so they might not ask their son to cook meals or change their bed but yes, overly dependent mothers do ask their grown up sons to do DIY, little jobs, shopping, drivie them around, picki stuff up etc.

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