Aibu to resent my Dad's neediness

[pupchewsleg]

My Dad moved 150 miles to live near us 5 years ago. I wish he hadn't every single day.
He constantly wants me to do things for him. I feel he moved near us because he felt we would be more useful to him. It is not because of a close relationship as I have never been close to him. I feel bad for resenting his demands on me and my time.
Every interaction is about him. Typical conversation.
Me: DS1 has got a cold.
Dad: Oh, I still can't get rid of my cold...blah blahblah.
Most of the time I don't like him very much. Sometimes I feel sorry for him as he is lonely if we go away, but won't join groups, go to church ( he says he is a Christian) etc.
My Mum died 6 years ago and that is very sad for all of us. She put up with him for 40 years, but I don't want to. My heart sinks every time I see his no. on my phone.
He constantly wants help with stuff: changing his bed (can't do it apparently), visiting large shopping Centre (can't navigate on his own he says), looking at a spot on his back (I looked twice it's fine). I resent it all.
He is a healthy, relatively fit adult and I just wish he would have his own life.
He is a self obsessed, hypochondriac who isn't interested in having friends (I have never known him to have a friend). I don't like him very much, but feel bad about it. He hasn't any idea, but I do make excuses (children, work)to not see him too often.
Am I unreasonable to resent him? I can't see a way out, and he is only going to need me more and I don't want to.

Gosh some of the people on this thread - so quick to judge.

I feel for you OP. Especially, as he seems to have little interest in your life or his grandchildren. Truth is aside from what the 'title' it doesn't sound as if you have ever had much of a relationship with him.
And that he has moved near to you for insurance rather than relationship.

First things first, get a cleaner to change the beds etc. He is not going to start changing them now. If he says he can't afford it, call your siblings and get them chip in. 25 quid a month each, with him chipping in a fiver should be more than enough. This is an added person and someone not connected.

Maybe make a designated day, once month going clothes shopping, going to the dump, hardware stores errands that us he welcome to join. So he can save up a few tasks until then.

Can you have him over to dinner possibly once a week. A good way to time cap this is to say we will collect and drop off so you can have a drink.

Instead of asking him to go to new groups/churches etc. Perhaps you could contact them and sat your Father would never admit it but he is a little shy, is they any way they could knock and convince to him to join. Has he coniswred getting a small dog. As he is not that old or infirm perhaps taken the dog our ofrnna walk would be a new interest to him.

'Learned helplessness' - this springs to mind when talking about people who 'can't' change their own sheets

I have no issue helping my mother with genuine stuff.

She is not daft. She’s been on her own over 30 years. But suddenly she seems to have made a conscious decision she’s “old”. Things like getting me to turn the shower on for her, or the oven, microwave etc. “i don’t know how yours works”..

She’ll even ask the neighbours stuff about my house. The other day she asked what day the bins went out- i was with her- and then told me i’d need to remember to put them out next tuesday.

It’s almost a display of dependency and neediness.

If i honestly thought it was something she actually needed help with. No problem. But much of the time if i can’t help straight away she manages herself easily enough. She can google a bus timetable and catch a bus into town despite not knowing “how to go on the computer” or her way to the bus stop if i am at work and can’t drive her..

Forgot to say. How is on the internet?

www.seniorchatters.co.uk looks a little like an older mumsnet with less hormones and more age spots.

There's lots of support on the Elderly Parents board. I understand how hard it is.

How far away are your siblings?

Maybe you need to tell him to ask them?

I get on well with my parent, but I can't imagine doing stuff for them just because they didn't want to.

If the visit to the shopping centre isn't a necessity for food shopping then I might do it as a trip out occasionally.

But if it's for food & he's hard to get on with I think I'd rather just take a list & get on-if there's no food shopping accessible to him.

The OP has said she doesn't like him very much most of the time. That is OK. There seem to be people who think you should look after your parents whether you like it or not - I definitely do not agree!

There are parents that don't give a crap about their kids until they are older and need someone to look after them. You need to look after yourself as this is clearly making you ill.

OP, You are not at all being mean.

I left my ex 2 years ago All through our relationship (going back a couple of decades), Ex didn't bother getting friends. Instead he chose to turn to me to fill the void. I was expected to be the entertainment and constant, constant companionship. Although he didn't say much, the atmosphere when I actually went out on my own was really reproachful, like why would I need anyone else when he was around? When I left, I felt smothered.

I'm now in the early stages of making new friends but it's been hard, given the isolation I had in the relationship. (I may even begin dating soon, and why not?)

Ex tries guilt tripping the DCs into seeing him because he's lonely. This is, ultimately, down to him. He needs to get out there trying new things and to make friends. But there's also the touch of arrogance as well (he could be really arrogant, among other failings), in that he acts as if him being friendly means other people should be falling over themselves to be friends. He never got the idea that to make friends you need to give and take, he just expected it handed on a plate. He's also fully capable of sorting all his shit out, just doesn't want to.

OP's dad reminds me very much of Ex, and I can totally see Ex would turn to our DD in future to guilt trip her into taking him on.

@minmooch You sound lovely and I am so sorry for your loss. I know you feel you are duty-bound to look after your dad but you have been through such a lot and it's just as important to look after yourself x

I could have written your post OP. no real advice except that I understand the resentment and how hard it is to feel obligated to be there for a parent with whom you have no real relationship. I too lost my beloved Mum two years ago and have siblings who doesn't live close so everything falls to me. It's hard and to my shame, I've found myself disengaging emotionally from Dad recently as I've tried so so hard to build a meaningful relationship with him since Mum died but he's not really interested in me above and beyond what I can do for him. Eveyth8ng is about him...

As the song says, I think you need new rules OP.

If he’s expecting you to come and help with stuff, you could perhaps say you will... but first you’re going to XXX Club or The Rotary Club or whatever he’s interested in to ask about membership. If he says no, then you say no.

If he rings to ask how to change the bedsheets, text him a link to Youtube demo.

Start being firm.

Can the brother he goes to stay with help get through to him about getting out more?

I think to reduce the resentment, the guilt and the stress you have to take control OP. So you stand up to him and speak honestly - Tell him it's too much, you have your own family, he is able to do things himself and if he refuses to do them he needs to employ someone. He can take himself out and about and if he needs company there is the church etc etc.
Decide what you can do without resentment, maybe once a fortnight he comes for a meal, or you call round there. He can by all means call you in an emergency but otherwise he has to manage on his own. He has his life, you have yours.
I've no idea how he might react, you could be doing him the biggest of favours by making him stand on his own two feet, he might berate you and you never see him again. But if you don't stand up these situations can cause endless stress for you in the long run, plus the guilt plus the resentment. None are good emotions for your health so I hope you can make the required changes.

I feel your pain OP, I'm an only child and my father is exactly the same except he gets nasty and abusive if you don't just drop everything and jump to his attention. He can never wait until tomorrow, everything has to be now and some of the things he phones for would just be way down on my list of priorities.the constant me, me, me is exhausting.

You know I didn’t always get on the best with my dad and he aggravated the hell out of me. When my mother died, I looked after him. He was lonely and he was very needy. His mind was going due to illness. I used to want my own space. When he died, I had the biggest guilt as I know I was acting like a bit of a bitch. I was all he had. I miss him every day and it hurts like hell. He lived with us and even my husband who got annoyed with him on occasion misses him not being around. I think your dad wants your time and attention more than, it only being about you doing stuff for him. Just because you have moved on had kids etc. He is still your dad and I’m sure he loves you very much. One day he isn’t going to be here. Appreciate him wanting you around and having him still on this planet. You will never know how long you will have him for. Don’t take it for granted.

Have to say YABU. He is your dad and unless there's a massive drip feed backstory where he was a huge prick/abandoned you in your youth. He looked after you when you needed it. Now he needs it and you resent him. Poor man!!!

Op i know just how you feel. I could have written your post. My DM can't even use the internet or send a text so i have to do it. Just spent all day sorting out council tax, driving license ect. It's draining and exhausting. DM has no friends either and refuses to join any clubs or pay a cleaner even though she can well afford it. In the end i had to get a cleaner as ispend so long at mums. Siblings live abroad. I'm stuck until she dies as she refuses help from anyone else as is extremely verbally abusive so much so i have bad mental health. She could live another ten or more years.

sunshinewinter there's a huge difference between someone who you find aggravating to someone who treats you miserably. In my case I'm not entirely sure that my father does actually love me. He loved my mother. She was all he wanted. My brother and I took her attention away from him. My brother is a boy and is therefore the golden boy. He has always treated me differently.

I am able to appreciate that he provided financially for me but since I was 19 I have never asked for nor had a penny off him. I find his current neediness, his expectation that I shall take his aggression, his temper extremely hard to cope with. However I do look after him.

Suggestion find a local cleaner who will visit your Dad once or twice a week, to change the bed, light cleaning, ironing, lots if chat. It will give him someone else to focus on. He will have to pay himself. Get someone who is used to working with older people

Theres some seriously passive aggressive comments here! Believe me, not everyone who thinks some compassion is in order had wonderful parents.

I have been NC with my father for around 20 years, because he subjected me to physical, sexual and emotional abuse. I would no more change his bedsheets than I would give him a kidney or piss on him if he were on fire.

But he was actually abusive, and I definitely haven’t seen the OP state this was the case, despite PPs projected the role of abusive father on to him.

I had a very difficult relationship with my mother who was very self-involved and had periods where I couldn’t even stand to answer the phone to her as she was so mean and critical. Then she was diagnosed with terminal cancer - she needed me so I was there. My siblings mostly did bugger all. I spent almost every day with her for her last 18 months and I’m very glad I did. We built a good relationship and I’m very glad we had that opportunity.

If my kids ever feel like this about me I’ll be heartbroken. If a parent is abusive they deserve no support, but a bit of company and occasional help?

Tammy you have no idea if the OP's father was abusive or not and it's really her call to define if he was, not yours.

He looked after you when you needed it. Now he needs it and you resent him. Poor man!!!

People need to stop with this bollocks.

People choose to bring children into this world. They don't get brownie points for not abandoning them. And raising a child is not a debt that child is obliged to repay. As I said earlier, if you want kids who are happy to be a companion in your old age, be a good parent in their life, be kind and someone who is enjoyable to spend time with. Our kids owe us nothing.

BTW he doesn't "need" OP to change his sheets FFS

Have you considered if he is Aspergers? It doesn’t really help your situation but it could possible shed some light on his behaviour.
I feel for you OP, I think you need to set some boundaries. Could you say your only free one day a week and you’ll do whatever you can then?
He can change his own bed and shop for clothes on his own he just doesn’t want to.

And He looked after you when you needed it. Now he needs it and you resent him. Poor man!!!

He didn't look after her. He wasn't interested in her.

My Mum looked after us, knew us, cared about us, kept in touch when I moved out. Dad complained a lot. He can't remember anything about our childhood (when I ask him) as he wasn't really interested.

I don't understand people who say, "He's your dad, you owe it to him to look after him because he looked after you as a child." Parents CHOOSE to have children, and being looked after by your parents should be a right. Why does it follow that you need to pay it back?
I could write the OP's post about my own mum. I've been out of her care longer than I was in it, and get she still believes that she has the right to expect that she'll be mine and my siblings' priority, despite the fact that we all have families of our own and she was a pretty rubbish mother and is a non-existent grandmother. For example, she was staying with us on Mothers Day when my children were tiny and insisted it was HER day more than it was mine.
Sorry, but I just don't understand that way of thinking. I do what I can for her, without thanks because she thinks it's a right.

You need to sit down with your siblings and you Dad seperately and tell them you cant do it all.
There will be pensioners clubs nearby, contact them and explain about your Dad and arrange a visit and tell him they will be coming round.
I'd also get carers in to do the shopping with him and to help make the beds. Say to him that the choices are carers or nothing because you physically cant do it. Explain that you have small children and a home to run yourself.
I'd limit myself to an hour or so every week or fortnight and thats it. YANBU OP at all. My Mum has all this with my Grandma whilst my uncle, aunt and cousin did nothing!
Also until someone has done a lot of caring they have no idea about how hard it can be.

It's a bit mean of people saying he's your dad look after him. Not everyone has a great relationship with a parent. My dad died 2 years ago and I miss him every day but not everyone is lucky enough to have that sort of relationship.