Aibu to resent my Dad's neediness

[pupchewsleg]

My Dad moved 150 miles to live near us 5 years ago. I wish he hadn't every single day.
He constantly wants me to do things for him. I feel he moved near us because he felt we would be more useful to him. It is not because of a close relationship as I have never been close to him. I feel bad for resenting his demands on me and my time.
Every interaction is about him. Typical conversation.
Me: DS1 has got a cold.
Dad: Oh, I still can't get rid of my cold...blah blahblah.
Most of the time I don't like him very much. Sometimes I feel sorry for him as he is lonely if we go away, but won't join groups, go to church ( he says he is a Christian) etc.
My Mum died 6 years ago and that is very sad for all of us. She put up with him for 40 years, but I don't want to. My heart sinks every time I see his no. on my phone.
He constantly wants help with stuff: changing his bed (can't do it apparently), visiting large shopping Centre (can't navigate on his own he says), looking at a spot on his back (I looked twice it's fine). I resent it all.
He is a healthy, relatively fit adult and I just wish he would have his own life.
He is a self obsessed, hypochondriac who isn't interested in having friends (I have never known him to have a friend). I don't like him very much, but feel bad about it. He hasn't any idea, but I do make excuses (children, work)to not see him too often.
Am I unreasonable to resent him? I can't see a way out, and he is only going to need me more and I don't want to.

namethecat it's hard to be sympathetic when the person with no demands on their time and unlimited time and peace and quiet is a fit and healthy adult who could perfectly well get himself out and about, or join a club, or take an evening class.

Totally different if he were a frail, ill, housebound person who couldn't help being dependant. He is not though. He's choosing to make the OP his unwilling crutch instead of doing things (including changing his sheets) himself for no good reason. The fact he is fit and healthy makes all the difference and removes a lot of sympathy, and the rest goes when you read about the fact he has never shown any interest in or support for the OP, not even when she was a child.

If he's lonely it is within his power to do something other than make constant demands on his daughter.

Yep. Not having anyone else other than OP to talk to appears to be an active choice he's making.

And unless the OP steps back so he has to make his own way, he'll only get more and more demanding. He says he's a Christian, he should go to church and build his social life around that.
When he takes some responsibility for himself I'm sure the OP will feel more positive and kindly towards him.

Smallhorse sorry for your loss. However somebody who has lost a parent with whom they had a good relationship always hops onto these thread to try to make the OP feel bad. The lack of empathy and perceptiveness is staggering. You miss your dad because he was a decent person - the OP has never had a good relationship with her father, he's never cared about her. Can't you see that it is not the same at all?

The fact you miss your dad has absolutely nothing to do with whether the OP is being unreasonable. Her dad is an arse, yours might have annoyed you, but if you'd give anything to have him back he must have been a basically decent person! The fact both men produced a child whom they annoyed as adults does not make them similar people beyond that.

OP - you are not being nasty at all. Just for the record my father was emotionally abusive, bullying, controlling, misogynistic- we grew up walking on eggshells whenever he was around. Did I like him? No. I would feel exactly like you do.
I think you will need to just be firmer in your boundaries. Stick to one /two days a week that you see him , as you wish. And for things he can do himself let him get on with it. Don’t enable.

OP you are not being mean.

This is a fit and healthy man who can;t be fucking bothered to change his own bed sheets. Probably because his wife always did it for him. He can't be bothered to go out and make an effort and make friends, join social groups. Can't be bothered to do anything for himself. Selfish and lazy man.

He isn't even interesting and engaging company, just self obsessed and boring.

OP can you have a frank conversation with him - let him know you are not the answer to his social interaction and he needs to man up and go to some social groups (maybe you can offer to book a minicab for him if parking is difficult or something? Or take him in on the first time?). Stuff like making the beds - "Why dad? Why can't you do it? Are you having problems with self care? If so we will need to put a package of care in place for you. I am not able to do household tasks for you."

Op I can totally get where you are coming from and and in a similar situation. My father appeared in my life suddenly recently after many many years and is expecting me to look after him, despite never being a presence in my life or childhood. I think the people who are saying you're being unreasonable must nerve have been through this.

Tip to everyone here - work at your relationships, be a good parent, be kind and someone who's pleasant to spend time with, and maybe you won't have breakfast alone every day in 40 years time
This ^

I think a lot of the people criticising you are doing so because they have / had good relationships with their parents and can't imagine what it's like not to. I expect they would feel very differently if they had a parent who they didn't particularly get on with and who demanded as much input and attention as your dad.

It's one thing for him to want company, it's another thing entirely for him to want you changing his bed sheets and getting his shopping. If he's fit and healthy there is no reason for him not to do those things for himself, except that he want to be looked after.

Is there any possibility of home help to do thinks like bed sheets etc? Could he afford a cleaner once a week? He will resist the idea if he thinks you will do it for free, but you could tell him he's obviously not coping and you can't give him what he needs so he has to get someone in.

I would also try revisiting the idea of groups or social activities - take him to church yourself a couple of times etc. If he resists be honest with him - 'dad, I can tell you're not happy and need company and we both know it's more than I can provide on my own. You have to at least give this a go.'

Good luck OP X

The OP,s father's ongoing self serving is still as evident as it ever was. The difference now is he doesn't have her mum to be pandering to him and his every want and need. He now thinks his daughter should take on the honoured role of being his personal assistant. She is just there to provide a service that he thinks he needs.

OP when he said he was moving 150 miles to be live near you did you not express shock or at least surprise? It's a shame you couldn't have dissuaded him.

Can he afford a cleaner? If so do you know of any local agency or someone who has a cleaner? A friend who used to run Cruse said it felt like a marriage bureau at times. Could you point him there?

OP - as others have said - ignore the haters! They obviously have not experienced a needy, rather unlikeable parent who feels entitled to have their adult children running around after them like unpaid servants.

If he's lonely - HE needs to make the effort to join groups, go to Church etc etc. And as for he can't change his own bloody bed sheets - words fail me.

He's an entitled man-child and you mustn't feel guilted into trying to be his full time housekeeper.

And as for the person who said you reap what you sow - indeed you do. Just as OP's father is now reaping what he sowed all those years ago - a daughter with whom he has a poor relationship. And whose fault is that? His.

I think a hobby club or activity might be a better bet than a social group. If he is physically active then something like a walking group might work.

Why can't he make his bed?

Does he manage to shop & look after himself day to day?

If not & he needs help, it doesn't have to be you, Op.

I agree OP. I love my parents and have a good relatio ship with them. But the relentless drip drip of constant neediness now they are in their 80s and virtually housebound is wearing. Especially whilst working and managing children.
Your father sounds as if he’s slotted you into the ‘wifework’ position left vacant, and that needs to change. You will have to try and draw boundaries for yourself, without feeling guilty, or the next 30 years are going to be hell.

I'd have this moved to the relationships board OP - you're going to get a lot of people on AIBU who have no idea what it's like to have a difficult parent. You will get good advice over there.

agree with PP about you reap what you sow - I am very low contact with my father - like yours, he didn't put the investment in the relationship when I was younger

I cannot add anything new to this thread but YANBU OP. I agree with people who say that your father is going to have to pay someone to change his sheets and take him shopping if he wants these things, and others, done for him on a regular basis.

Gosh I can't believe how horrible some people are being here! Of course you're not U OP, nor are you mean or nasty or anything else. As others have said, he is acting like an entitled man-child with expectations that you must now take care of him. It's the same mentality that starts with "Get me a cup of tea love." and ends with this.

No easy answers or suggestions.. other than keep saying 'no' and making it clear that he needs to do things for himself "M&S have a sale on now Dad - you might find those new clothes you wanted."

You say he's "relatively healthy". What does that mean? And how old is he?

He sounds lonely and scared to me. That doesn't mean that's your responsibility. And it doesn't mean he's not really irritating.

It sounds like a sad and frustrating situation for both of you

Christ there are a lot of selfish people on this thread and I am not talking about the OP.
Its the ones going all glassy eyed and romantic about how brilliant they would be at looking after their own dear, white haired, kindly Papas.
Give it a rest.
This isn't about YOU.

The OP is being run ragged by a self absorbed man who happens to be her dad.
I can't stand the whole 'but its famileeeeee!' bollocks because its ALWAYS about getting people (usually women) to put up with unreasonable crap.

Pretty sure the OP would put up with more reasonable expectations from her dad but she isn't a proxy wife and even a wife shouldn't be changing a bed for a healthy adult because he 'can't' do it.

This situation isn't doing the father any good. It means he is making zero effort to make friends and build interests away from her.

Sad, but you can’t always ‘like’ your parents or children.

I have a dad who looks after me as much as I look after him, so am very lucky.

I organised a cleaner for him but I do his weekly washing & drying - he drops it over & fortunately all his clothes are non iron, I fold it and he collects. He takes me to the airport or runs errands whilst I’m at work, picks up prescriptions or waits at the house for workmen etc

Is there any way you can be more honest with him? Tell him you’d appreciate some help & both help each other out?

ongwayfromuk Fri 13-Apr-18 08:43:11
Can't you pay someone to drop in on him, take him shopping, make his bed etc?

The OP should pay someone to take a healthy fit man shopping and make his bed??

If it was the OP's partner what would you all be saying? EA? Tell him to get a life? Cocklodger? Hmmmm

MrsDV spot on.

This man isn't actually sick. He doesn't need nursing care! He's a reasonably healthy older adult with many years of life to live which he's choosing not to by clinging to his one (too nice) daughter.

It's not ok to do that to your children.

The OP has said she could cope with weekly contact, not this daily drip drip drip of neediness.

I hope at that age, I'm out with my OWN friends, joining older people's clubs and groups (which there are loads, my mum does yoga and walking and music, it's not all shuffling around) and having my own life. I love to see my children, but the idea that they should be my entertainment and my bed-changers when I'm perfectly able to do it myself- no!

OP you have had good advice. Just set the boundaries and stick to them. If you want a fortnightly visit to the shops together, tell him and do that. If he says 'look at my back' say 'no dad, make yourself a doctor's appointment'.

He is not an old old man with dementia, he's a selfish younger age older person who would rather burden his daughter who he lives close to than make his own life. Not nice at all and nothing to 'cooo' over.

And- being the nearest carer for someone anti-social and moany is SHIT. And people are allowed to moan, even if they like and love the person they are caring for. Unless you are a carer then I really don't think you can understand.

I think a lot of the people criticising you are doing so because they have / had good relationships with their parents and can't imagine what it's like not to

Yes, this is a recurring theme on MN, it's the same with people who say "you only have one mother" 🙄