Aibu to resent my Dad's neediness

[pupchewsleg]

My Dad moved 150 miles to live near us 5 years ago. I wish he hadn't every single day.
He constantly wants me to do things for him. I feel he moved near us because he felt we would be more useful to him. It is not because of a close relationship as I have never been close to him. I feel bad for resenting his demands on me and my time.
Every interaction is about him. Typical conversation.
Me: DS1 has got a cold.
Dad: Oh, I still can't get rid of my cold...blah blahblah.
Most of the time I don't like him very much. Sometimes I feel sorry for him as he is lonely if we go away, but won't join groups, go to church ( he says he is a Christian) etc.
My Mum died 6 years ago and that is very sad for all of us. She put up with him for 40 years, but I don't want to. My heart sinks every time I see his no. on my phone.
He constantly wants help with stuff: changing his bed (can't do it apparently), visiting large shopping Centre (can't navigate on his own he says), looking at a spot on his back (I looked twice it's fine). I resent it all.
He is a healthy, relatively fit adult and I just wish he would have his own life.
He is a self obsessed, hypochondriac who isn't interested in having friends (I have never known him to have a friend). I don't like him very much, but feel bad about it. He hasn't any idea, but I do make excuses (children, work)to not see him too often.
Am I unreasonable to resent him? I can't see a way out, and he is only going to need me more and I don't want to.

Take no notice of the haters, OP. Or the MN belief that dementia must be the cause of all unwanted behaviour in anyone over 45. It sounds like your Dad has been like this his whole life, so this is more likely a personality disorder or just being a PITA than dementia (I am an HCP). The lifelong lack of friends and inability to recognise other people's boundaries may well suggest a PD. He may be depressed as well, but that doesn't mean that you have to give into his unreasonable demands.

Your dad is clearly unwilling to recognise reasonable boundaries, so you need to create them. This will mean confrontation because people like him cannot recognise other people's needs: he isn't going to magically wake up to the fact that he is being unreasonable. On the contrary, it will only get worse unless you tackle it. You are also not doing him any favours by making the bed etc. It is incredibly bad for older people not to do things for themselves - it speeds up physical and cognitive deterioration.

Think about what you can manage - e.g. a visit once a week and a call every 3 days (or whatever). Be firm. Tell him that you are going to show him how to make the bed or go to the shops and that he has to do it himself next time. He will fight you - expect lots of "emergencies" - you have to stay firm.

YANBU my dad is like this except I'm an only child.
He's always lived win the same city as us but in January he move a 5 min walk away and even said it was a shame he couldn't get the place next door to me as it would have been perfect. I can not think of anything worse Tbh.

Everything is on the "him helping us out" but in reality it's always the other way round. "can you put my curtains up, I need you to come shopping with me to buy a microwave, tumble dryer, curtains as u know what your doing" but then goes against what I've suggested and does the exact opposite.

Every Wednesday he phones me and says "what time do you want me to pick you up" despite having no prearranged plans.
He acts like a child since I moved out (10+ years ago) and makes little digs like "well since you left me to fend for myself"
I want to scream "christ I am not ur mother or your wife so grow up!" but I don't cos invariably it will end in an arguement and then I will get made to feel guilty by his "oh I'm in hospital, I think im having another cardiac event" voicemail a week later.

Don't know the answer to your question just you are not alone
xx

And i apologise because I've just realised that I completely went into a rant on your thread op.
xx

Pupchewsleg, you don't sound nasty at all. I hear you. Trying to step back from my mother atm. If I'll be allowed.

OP, ignore the haters on here you are not horrible. I despise this MN attitude that everyone over the age of 60 must be lovely and a joy, and it's a privilege when they won't leave their adult children alone for 5 minutes . These things are not trivial when you live with them day in and day out when trying to run your own life, work and family too.

And bollocks to the "he looked after you for 20 years" - FFS, no child asks to be born, so he should look after the child he brought into the world! Raising your child in childhood is not a debt that ever needs to be repaid.

He sounds like hard work, but reading between the lines I think you are grieving deeply for your Mum still. Does he ever talk about her? Do you ever talk about her to him.

If he is being repetitive, having memory problems and is scripted like you say then a trip to the GP might be a good plan

Ugh, he sounds like a complete and utter manchild. He seriously expects you to do everything for him that your DM did? You're his child, not his surrogate wife.

If he needs help changing sheets, put an ad up in the community magazine or contact the church asking if there are any cleaners available who could do some housekeeping for him.

If you feel guilted into taking him clothes shopping, arrange your own trip, tell him you're going on that day and then can you drop him off at his clothes store, and head to your own clothes store, and arrange to meet him at a coffee shop near to his store when you're done.

Also, arrange to pick him up and then take him to some sort of outing/meeting of a local group, and walk in with him and join in, not giving him the option of not joining in.

No you are not nasty OP. Ignore the people on here saying you are. Why should the Op step up for a dad who made her mums live a misery and did not do any of the child raising when the op was growing up. It’s sounds like he knows exactly what he is doing, i take it he has no trouble doing he stuff he wants to do OP

Did your mum wait on him? Has he always been ‘looked after’? I think you are the replacement for his wife.

Even these days there are a lot of men who are mothered by their wives and kids kept out the way. Your situation sounds like the next stage of that.

I feel for you and you are not horrible in the slightest. Ignore the arseholes on here. So sorry about your mum.

Honestly, it sounds like he’s not going to ‘get it’ because your perspective doesn’t concern him, you are merely a vehicle for him living the life he wants.

Best bet - a new wife. I hate to say it but it’s the easiest and quickest way out for you.

You sound so mean.
So he raised you and is old and now he feels vulnerable and you don't want to help?
Family are supposed to help each other.
You sound like all that YOU care about is the same as him, yourself.
He needs clothes and you don't want to take him.
You could be a lot nicer

Echoing pp who've said you are not being nasty.

You're the one on the doorstep, as was I,so it all falls to you. But you have siblings, and living far away or not being able to drive should not be a convenient excuse.

Ultimately this is a family problem to deal with, not just yours. I had / have a similar problem with my mum, who lived on my doorstep and now lives abroad. As I'd been the "do-er" whilst she was here, she expected me to continue doing so whilst she was abroad. I tried and got more frustrated, until my Dad (divorced from my Mum) and my brother sat me down and reminded me we were a family and we would support her together. I can't tell you how good that felt, so do talk to your siblings.

So no matter how mean or abusive or unpleasant parents are, we should always take care of them in their old age because they didn't abandon us as babies? Right-o 🙄

He needs clothes and you don't want to take him.

Jesus he's not wandering around the streets naked and clueless as to how to purchase a jumper.

MN needs to stop making out all people over 60 are feckless and dependent, and they really need to stop berating people for not adoring parents being a terrible burden

Definitely not unreasonable. I suspect those who think you're being nasty either have an extremely good relationship with their own parents, or an over-developed sense of "duty" which is very tedious, leaving them completely unable to empathise with others who are in a different situation from their own. You have my sympathy - it's difficult I know. Why don't people grasp that not everyone has lovely kind parents?

Ignore the judgemental numpties who project their own family experiences onto yours, you don’t have to be your dad’s chauffeur or housekeeper because he can’t be arsed doing his own chores. It is also not your job to make a life for your dad. He is a healthy adult who needs to make a social life and friends of his own, if he doesn’t do that then that is his OWN CHOICE. You reap what you sow in life, he chose not to be interested in you therefore he can’t be surprised when you don’t have much interest in him now. Honestly, when as women are we going to give ourselves a break from the expectation that we must always put ourselves last? Life is short, enjoy yours while you can and ignore the people who try to guilt you into being a servant for a man who had little interest in you until there was something in it for him.

Parents are annoying but just do it for the fact that he put up with you for how ever many years it was. Have some respect for that and get on with it. Mayb he feels like your the easiest to talk to of the bunch.

You aren't being mean. My father would have been like this given half a chance, but I never lived close enough to him for it to become a problem. However firm boundaries were still required! And if anyone wants to pull the but he brought you up as a child, well no, that was my mum as she left him when I was small as he was a needy nightmare even then. So you have my sympathies! Can you try telling him you will speak to him every Sunday, Tuesday, whatever you can cope with? I used to talk to my dad on the phone every Thursday (usually for hours) and he would come and stay two or three times a year for a week. That worked for me, and we had a very good relationship.

You can put boundaries up around contact with family, and not be a bitch. Shame on anyone here who calls you nasty or uncaring.

Pick a time (like a 2hr period), a day a week, and stick to it. Perhaps alternate a Tuesday at his, then the next one at a particular Shopping Centre. Any other contact attempt just goes unresponded from your side, or a quick ‘see you Tuesday, talk then’ text.

He’ll have to fit in if he wants to see you, and have to let you know with good notice if he needs you to bring something in particular. You know, like a normal adult.

FFS, he’s perfectly able to live a full, normal life. Just unwilling. One day he may require some heavy-duty care (from ALL his offspring) but today is not that day. Stand strong and be BUSY with your own normal adult life, not the 24hr helpline for his.

You do not sound mean or nasty OP!

The ones who sound horrible are the ones accusing you!

To say he put up with you for years is rediculous he chose to have children you didn't ask to be his child.

If he won't make friends or help himself YANBU to be fed up of him.

twocats335 has said it all. OP think ahead and that some day 'you' will be your Dad and when your kids are horrible to you, come back and read this post as a reminder. Your might think your father didn't do much for you, but I'm sure he worked hard and provided a family income that helped you in lots of ways. Some of us, don't know our fathers, you are very fortunate.

Parents are annoying but just do it for the fact that he put up with you for how ever many years it was.

Doesn't sound like he took much notice of OP when she was growing up, and besides, HE MADE HER! If he didn't want to have to "put up with" a child, he should have kept his dick in his pants.

I had a great relationship with my dad, and I really miss him now he's gone, but I can see that OP's dad is being unreasonable in his expectations and I wouldn't dream of trying to guilt trip her, or call her nasty. Some people should look in the mirror before accusing others of being horrible.

OP, I agree, you're not being unreasonable, and you need to put strong boundaries in place. The more you enable him, the worse he will get.

And ignore those moaning because "it's faaaaamileeee". You don't have to like or love someone, just because you're related.

What's his actual age?

You just have to wonder how the just 'get on with it' types treat thier own children. I would hate to be so unpleasant that my kids are only round me because i bully them from a sense of duty snd obligation. You really start to see how FOG is established in famikies and how this sort of bullying, lack of empathy and respect for anothers autonomy - 'because im your parent' in Statley Home families becomes long term emotiinal abuse

OP I think you need to establish boundaries for yourself (he doesn't even need to know you are doing this), So decide how much contact you are prepared to have with him (a short daily call?) And what you are prepared to do for and with him on a weekly basis. If he asks you to look at a spot etc you tell him to go to the Dr ifvhes worried. Or look once and say no next time. You are entitled to your space time and privacy but it's up to you to work out for yourself the level of input acceptable to you. Important to do it now or he will want more and more of you.

I also wouldn't keep trying to sort out his life. Our mil lives with us and is resistant to all kinds of suggestions on how she could have a better quality of life. It's just too tiring to try and micromanage another person. You are definitely not nasty OP. You just need to put some boundaries in place. It's fine to say no when he is making demands over and above what you are ok with e.g. repeated looks at a spot, going to the shopping mall when you don't want to. He wants a 'good and dutiful woman' to look after his every need.

How old is he pupchews ? From your description of him (hasn't even gone grey or lost any hair) he sounds as if he's only in his 60s?

I agree you don't sound nasty - he didn't have much of a role in your life growing up as your mum did everything, and now he wants you to do everything your mum did for him.

My FIL was also sadly widowed in his early 60s, but he is a lovely man and although MIL was a housewife throughout their marriage and did all the housework, and he and MIL were enough for one another and not that sociable except once a month with a group of old friends, he is very independent. -He certainly doesn't ask anyone else to change his bed for him - that is a shocking thing for a fit and healthy to be asking his daughter to do!

If he's fit and healthy and in his 60s he should be ashamed of himself asking your do do his "wife work".