So what happens when you have nothing in common with dp & dc?

[whattheactualfuckery]

Away for a break with dh and 2 x ds. I've hated it and then, what the actual fuck do I do?

Are you still seeing someone at the moment?

They sound like typical teenage boys, and yes all they need is food, clothes and transport. You really shouldn't expect to have things in common with them, you are their parent not their friend.

I think you should develop your own personal life and become happy with your self first. Develop your professional life, try new hobbies, make new friends.

No rick but i will be

Do you come across like you want to do things with them or do they pick up on the resentment you have?

I'd be depressed too if I had been slogging for someone for so long tbh with such a lack of thanks.

Gypsy dancers, I would want to see some of them too. And let a cute waiter flirt with me.

Solo holidays and outings for you for a few years, see if your husband wises up, then the world is your oyster?

Fuckery what a fine time you will have!

Queen I'm up for most things, and an always suggesting things to do

You haven’t lost them.
Do you think this is all more to do with your dh?
Positive about the counselling.

You are having a tough time! and it sounds like your DH isn’t helping matters. Does he every encourage the boys to go with you? Do activities with you if he’s tired? If not, do you think if he did that would help a little? Is this something you could suggest he do?

I think the OP is being deliberately vague, I’m not she wants positive suggestions.

If it helps OP, it’s not just teenage boys. I still remember when my mom just turned into the most annoying, irritating, nagging, stupid person on the face of the earth right around my 13th birthday. Every year she’s just get worse and worse and wouldn’t get off my case, always bugging me. I’d try to appease her and allow her to take me shopping and buy me clothes but that just encouraged her other irritating traits. It lasted years. I’ve no idea what changed, whether she finally got counselling or what, but once I left for university at 18, she gradually calmed down and I got my old mom back. .

Some teen girls (like I was) are little horrors to their mums. I think my mum would have chosen being ignored by me, if she could have.

Oh dear. Your post made me so sad for you. The children are out off by your availability to them and drawn to their dad's lack of availability. It isnt unusual for people to behave this way.

The problem is that KNOW you want to bond with them and will always be there for them. it probably feels like a lot of pressure to them. With their dad, they are so sure, so they want to stay close to him in case he does lose interest

It is time to build your own life. Great that you are going to Barcelona. Don't make a fuss of going on your own. Don't guilt them over it and don't expect them desperately miss you. Go for your own enjoyment. When you get back find other things that bring you boy away from them. It will be good for you and they will notice a change in you. It sounds as though you have tried really hard, that might be coming across as desperation to them, something that teenagers would push against.

I hear how hard it is for you. I hope you have a wonderful time in Barcelona. I have wanted to go for a very long time.

I understand that it must be hard for you atm. However I would be careful about letting the jealousy and resentment you have towards your dh and sons relationship show.
Me and my dad have some common interests, me and my mum not so much. My mum made it clear quite a few times how much she hated that I would choose dad over her etc. However I wasn't doing that on purpose, I was a child choosing to spend time doing what I wanted to do. It took years to repair our relationship from my teenage years and still at 28 she sometimes makes digs when me and my dad start talking about a certain sport around her.
Teenagers really don't want to spend time with their parents, you are not cool or fun your just mum but that will change as they get older.
Enjoy yourself in Barcelona.

This thread is so sad. I feel for you so much OP . I felt like this about my now xh and ds1 although he was just a baby at the time. Leaving that relationship was the best thing and I have a brilliant relationship with ds1 now which I don't think would have developed if I'd stayed.

As an outsider who has suffered from depression it appears to me that the biggest issue is between you and your dh. Children are hurtful, but it seems to be that the negative feelings are possibly intensified because you are unhappy in other areas too. I know that's a very simplistic overview but I think working on other reasons for your unhappiness will improve your relationship with your children?

If you feel your meds aren't working, can you go back to your GP for a review? You should be feeling much better after such a long period of medication and counselling.

But at I think at the end of the day, your relationship with your husband is the issue. He can't be arsed to do much and would rather go out and play football. Your kids know this (they're more perceptive than we think) and crave his attention as a result. You're always available and therefore they don't feel the need to try as hard - they trust that you won't abandon them.

I think it's common for parents to lose that closeness with teenagers. I barely did anything with my dad as a teenager - I found him either excruciatingly embarrassing or boring! But he still made an effort - we went on father/daughter holidays, for example, and as a younger teen he took me cycling with him at the weekends.

Could you try and do things with your DC independently? You and DS1 do something, while DH has the younger, then next weekend/holiday you switch? It might be easier to bond one-on-one without the interference of their dad or sibling.

I’ve found the advice on this thread helpful, never mind the OP.

I guess you feel really under appreciated OP, and disregarded by your family. And just plain worn out. I bet they expect you to do all the usual tasks - cooking/ cleaning etc - but you get no thanks for this.

I found the ‘Beating the Blues’ online program helpful - I was referred by my GP. It’s online CBT, but it has helped me see things differently.

I think you need to find out who you are again. I’ve been going through that. I was great (I think) when my kids were young, but they are so difficult and unpleasant to be around as teenagers that I have really struggled. It’s the third child that seems to be really destroying any sense I have of being a good mum/ person.

However, I don’t want to completely destroy my relationship with him by me trying to make it as I think it should be. ie / trying to push him to spend time with me/ or expecting him to be the loving child he once was. So I’ve backed off, and try to meet him on his terms/ and work on my own interests/ life instead.

Your DH doesn’t sound great. He should be seeing you as a person in your own right, and supporting you. But the actual change in you can only come from yourself.

Pic I can identify with your comment, and will be heading to the Beat the Blues site now!

Glad it was helpful.
I was reflecting, after I posted, that I have hated my life recently, and have never wanted to leave home so much in my life!

But it is about rethinking our position in life, and maybe enjoying the fact that they don’t need us as much. My other two are young adults now (I know you have older step children), and they are actually quite pleasant to be around (when they are home). I am happier now, that I’ve accepted everything is changing again, and that I need to change too.

I think its regular enough not to have much in common with teens as they are breaking away and thats normal. But hang in there they come back as lovely human beings who can discuss books and films and life. This stage will pass My saving grace has been having my own life my own friends gym books etc. Do your own thing but don't resent them as they are normal enough. If you are busy and active you won't even notice. I nearly have more in common with dss than dd at this stage but there were years when they were totally wrapped up in themselves. Expect nothing back..well except respect..and bit by bit friendship will come.

The thing that strikes me is why do you feel so strongly that they need to be doing special activities? Maybe your dh has the right idea in a way, doing ‘nothing’ can be great 😂 at that age I loved having free time to mooch about/watch telly/read/draw/write stories. I don’t think in those days (the 80s) people were so focused on special activities for teens. Surely your boys now want to hang out with friends rather than parents? Is that so bad? Surely you can go on giving food & nurturing (as you say) but ‘hang out’/do activities with friends rather than your kids?

Picasso, yes you are right about rediscovering who you are

I started to do a lot more sport, including day long tournaments. After 15 years of swimming lessons and rugby pitches I am buggering off to do my own thing. They have to sort their own meals/homework/lifts without me.

Funnily, instead of being annoyed they are a bit impressed, and pleased for me

There is a funny thing about getting more respect from others if you put yourself first more. Nobody respects a martyr, I think.

At the minute they’re all about their mommy because of their age but I can envisage the teenage years when they inevitably drift towards their father to do all the sporty boys stuff and that’ll be my job done

There’s no such thing as “sporty boys stuff”. Mine are teenagers, and heavily into sporty stuff. They’re girls. I ferry them to and from, we chat in the car, sometimes i watch, sometimes their dad does. This is where gender stereotyping leaves us

I do know what you’re saying but it’s still the feeling of dread that I have.

At the moment my husband and our eldest go to Rugby matches together, football matches together and go and watch the Tennis together too. At the moment our son is too young to really understand this as just spending time with his dad, but as it continues as he gets older then I’m pretty sure it will be a hobby they do together and by then the youngest will have started to be drawn in to it too.

If my son’s ended up playing a sport then obviously I would go and watch them and I’d want to watch them, but spending my weekends watching random rugby matches and football matches they attend is not something I will ever do.

My husband can ski and is now looking into getting ski lessons for our son and talking about skiing holidays, which is fine but it just means that it’s another shared sporty activity for them which holds no interest in me. I’ve been skiing before and I was horrendous at it and didn’t particularly like it.

When me and DH used to go on holidays together pre-children he’d be joining in with the football teams, water volleyball teams, the cycling teams, joining in with the ping ping and snooker competitions etc whilst I sunbathed and read a book. When I look into the future of our family holidays I can pretty much envisage the same thing happening but with my son’s doing it too so I’ll be sunbathing alone whilst they go off and do their thing.

Your h is a lazy twunk by the sounds of it. And selfish too.

I agree with other pp that you e become part of the furniture.

Don't leave (yet). But do something different. If you're not there your h will have to step up. Your boys love you but they are taking their cues from their father.

Enjoy Barcelona (I'm very jealous). Get some hobbies, refuse to do stuff and make a stand. You're ground down by it, I get that, but change can only come if you change.

Can you find work outside the family business? It can't help to be so immersed in the family through work as well. All your self esteem is bound up with them one way or another and you need to spread your wings. Whether you'll end up leaving completely is another thing but you've given so much of yourself by the sounds of it and it's left you drained. Barcelona is a good step but definitely try to find work elsewhere to boost your emotional and practical independence and send a message - things are changing.

Some great advice here, thanks.
I've been a mum for 23 years s to 3 dc and sm for 17 years to 3 sc.
I think time to get my arse in action and find the real me.
Agree with I'll gain more respect from family if I'm more independent

Good luck fuckery!