So what happens when you have nothing in common with dp & dc?

[whattheactualfuckery]

Away for a break with dh and 2 x ds. I've hated it and then, what the actual fuck do I do?

Op they're teenage boys, they live you bit you aren't meant to be cool. Teenagers want covert love, nurturing and food.

If the marriage isn't working then leave. Use Barcelona to get your head straight. You might be surprised what choices the boys make between the mom who does all the looking after and the Dad who is cool but doesn't actually do much

I think you should find your own way now. It's not about you and DH and he is not joined to the hip with your stepsons.

It's time to evolve. They will find you. Sometimes we have to do what's right by ourselves to set examples to others.

I read the OP as her hating being on the break with her DH and DS as she feels she has nothing in common with them which is not the same thing as hating them. I read ‘then’ bit of her post as a typo as her OP seems rushed (blame the lack of edit feature on MN). She is clearly after advise about how to deal with the situation so can we stop with all the armchair psychology and projection about her hating her DS and DH?

At the minute they’re all about their mommy because of their age but I can envisage the teenage years when they inevitably drift towards their father to do all the sporty boys stuff and that’ll be my job done

There’s no such thing as “sporty boys stuff”. Mine are teenagers, and heavily into sporty stuff. They’re girls. I ferry them to and from, we chat in the car, sometimes i watch, sometimes their dad does.

This is where gender stereotyping leaves us. I actually drifted away from my mother in my teenage years because all she wanted to do was shop, get haircuts, nails done. While i wanted to go swimming. Which she hated as “you’ll get big shoulders, your hair will be ruined and you’ll smell of chlorine”. Not feminine. We still aren’t close.

Yes teenagers can be difficult. But different sex is not different species. There will be something you all like to do together.

Would they be more into things if you took them away on your own?

Your DH sounds like he's given up on living life. 60 isn't too bloody old to be doing things. How old are you OP?

I have 5 boys and my oldest sounds a bit like your boys. Doesn't want to join in with anything we do ever. He's been like it for most of his teenage years. I let him get on with it now, he's an adult so I've long given up caring. The others are generally ok, so far, but have their moments!

It must be so hard when your DP also can't be bothered to try and get them involved and also puts down your ideas.

The trip to Barcelona sounds great, you deserve some time out to think.

I know what you mean. I have nothing in common with my DH and ds. When ds was small it wasn't so bad but now he's all football and fighting and that's it. I have absolutely nothing in common with him and once he leaves home I don't envisage having contact with him beyond perhaps a birthday and Christmas card. He doesn't like my company and I don't like his. I love him but I can't see him seeking me out as an adult.

When did this us and them dynamic develop?

Is it possible you’re their safe/boring/dependable person and they jump at the chance to be with dad because he does little else with them?

Teenagers by virtue of being teenagers can be moany, uncooperative, whiny and generally unappreciative. Do you sense that there is something more sinister than that going on with your boys?

Is it like this even when everyone is home and at school / work? Holidays can be quite fractious among even the most closest of families.

How long have you been feeling like this?

They are my flesh and blood, not step soms

Teenage boys don't want their mum, they barely want their dad. Try reading 'Raising Boys' by Steve Biddulph. Teenagers can be very selfish, it's a developmental stage. My DS1, now 20 is through it and out the other side. We have managed a holiday just the 2 of us, but it's rare that young men want to spend time with their mum. I do sometimes wish I'd had a DD but I make the most of what I've got. I'm divorced, their DF was a shit but they still think he's wonderful. Not a lot I can do about that.

You need a life of your own. Work away from home, hobbies of your own, something for yourself that's not just being a mother and wife. Then your time with your DSs won't seem so futile. And maybe leave your DP.

Your dh is 60 not 80!!!!

He needs to step up and start helping.

I agree that teens need covert love and care. They don't want anything explicit. The reason you are boring is because you are always there, can be relied upon and they know that. They know if they insult you, you'll be there making breakfast the next morning. You are their stability.

Ask your husband to make no suggestions tomorrow, instead the boys can choose and the deal is that they go with mum. No ifs, no buts, whatever they choose, you do with them.

Ttnehair I'm guessing I'm now their safe go to person

I don't have any interests in common with my OH. not one
I still love him. Its a shame we don't have shared passions but thats life.
I have been through the 'nothing in common' with DS1 too. Now he is grown up he is ok to admit he has loads of things in common with me and last week called to tell me about new musical he wants to take me to. Apparently it was the first one I introduced him to. Aww.

Got three more boys. DS2 is autistic and has very specific interests. I kinda nudged him in the direction of his biggest passion because its something I know a lot about.

Who knows how it will go with the next two. I tell them about lots of stuff I like in the hope they will remember some of it when they get older.

It sounds tough for you. I do sympathise. Its so tedious when its just you trying to make things happen. Go away and have a great time.

‘I’ve hated it and them’ I read.

If that is what you were saying, I feel sorry for your poor children. If you do feel that way, it’s going to show. The partner thing is separate, but saying you hate your children is horrendous.

DGAF if my opinion is unpopular; I feel society has gone too far the other way now, mums are encouraged to say what they like about their kids however damaging and it’s still ‘oh poor you you deserve a trip to Barcelona’ no you deserve a big fat dose of check your privilege, some people would kill to be on holiday with their family. Don’t know anyone who does have the same interests as their teenage DC but it doesn’t mean hating spending time with them.

See a counsellor for the sake of the kids.

With regard to Barc. I've wanted to go for 3 years and all the time the dh and ds have said No! I feel I'm tAking control by going on my own

You may be surprised by what happens while you are away in Barcelona. It sounds like your boys and your partner currently take you for granted.

A period of time when you are not there may well help the boys, if not not your partner, see what they are missing.

I think it’s ok not too have shared interests with teen boys.

Let them do their own thing and use these years to do things for you.

Anna let's hope so or my family with be splitting up

Did you feel closer to them when they were younger?

You say you’re angry because your husband won’t take the kids to activities and the kids won’t go if you suggest it.

So... when given the choice, your kids would rather sit around doing nothing in the company of their Dad than doing an exciting activity with you. That must really, really hurt and be upsetting.

And they would rather

I'm incredibly close to my 12 year old DS. You don't have to be the same sex to be close. What a sad thread.

Rick yes much closer to them

Shifty you've hit the Ndola on the head! Where do I go from here????

*NAIL

Then it’s still there just covered up.
Are you close to your daughter?