My partner is self employed, works at home, earns very little and rarely gets up in the morning. I'm so frustrated!

[Flexijane]

This is my first time talking on this site so thanks for reading, I'd really welcome some opinions and advice here, thank you!
My partner and I have been together 13 years and have 2 kids under 8.
He started working self employed from home when the first child was born and we agreed that we'd review the arrangement if it wasn't making enough money. I've had a series of steady part time jobs for the same company and although I'm not earning even £20k, it's still much more than him.

He's been supportive of me in my career and flexed his work when I need to work late, etc, but we have always done 50/50 of the childcare as we both feel strongly that we want to bring our own kids up and would rather be poor than any other arrangement.
He's a proud man so has also always insisted on paying 50/50 of all the bills too, however he has only recently admitted that we've only survived because the house bills aside, I've been paying for everything else (most of the holidays, kids clothes etc) plus we write down what we pay for things such as petrol and food in a book, then reconcile it after a few months, but he never ever does this. He waits for me to do it, so then owes me like £600 (for several months of these expenses) which he can't pay straight away so I have to just wait until he pays it.

We've been to couple counselling about this and many other issues we're having, it was kind of useful just thrashing it out, but he is stubborn and refuses to change his job (he would find it very difficult to get work as has nothing on his CV for 10 years or more, although is highly skilled in many ways)
I have tried to be patient all these years - he's a great dad and wants to be there for the kids all the time he can, so doesn't want to take on a low paid job that takes him away from them more - but I'm SO tired of our different views on cashflow.

The counsellor wanted to discuss why we both wanted everything to be 50/50 - I understand why she wanted to look at this, and I said to him I would be happy for us to move to a more proportional income set up (but not a pooled account! We do have a joint bills account) But he won't do this, saying he thinks I would resent him even more, and he could be right, because he can work whenever he likes, often gets up at 11am or later, watches TV late into the night - most people (me included) don't have this freedom! He says he works hard - but I don't see that..

I want us to save up for work on the house, better holidays etc but he never has any money and says he's happy staying at home, not eating out, "the best things in life are free" etc.
I want to chill out, but feel the love I had for him has all but gone, and has turned into resentment, I just don't feel any respect for him anymore.
Would making him get a better paid job regain that respect?
Is this all his problem or mine?
Help!

It sounds like he’s tried to make a career out of a hobby and it’s not worked. It’s time he stepped up and got a job and started to contribute to his share of the household. If he’s sleeping all day and watching tv late at night it doesn’t matter if he is occasionally working; he’s lazy and selfish and needs to pull his weight. I’d be giving him an ultimatum!

I dn't understand why he won't take on teaching work as a music tutor. I know loads of musicians and none of them live by live performance alone. They all - every single one of them - subsidise what they love through teaching. I know one who is really highly regarded in his field who also works as a night watchman and another who is employed part time by the queen he's so good, and he teaches a lot to supplement his income. They have families and realise that providing for their DC is top priority. It doesn't mean theyve sold out or lost interest in their profession - they both practise really hard and are incredibly well regarded. They just understand as grown ups that they can't earn a living wage from what they love.
Right now your DH sounds about as appealing and mature as MC Grindah.

You probably got stuck in this situation because, like a lot of musos, this man has bucketloads of charm, and has managed to convince you that he's a genius and will one day be a millionaire.
Sadly, even if he is the greatest songwriter since Bowie or whoever, there are loads of musos with phenomenal talent who just... haven't had the luck.It's not as if you're asking him to give up music altogether, just to take some responsibility for his children.

BTW, how much money does he spend on musical instruments? That can be another thing with cocklodging musos - a day out for the kids is 'money we haven't got' but a new drum pedal or guitar is 'an investment in my career'.

My exh was a dj and had this kind of a lifestyle. He also had a day job though. The money he earned from playing in clubs was extra as it was sporadic and could not be relied upon.

His lifestyle meant he was either doing his paid work (3 days pw) during the day , playing a set on pirate radio or out late at a club. I had no time to myself and also no spare cash. He would spend his earnings from his djing on beer , records and cabs to and from London clubs. I was at home with two tiny children and was drowning.

The reason I have posted this is because I feel that even if your partner was to work during the day you'd still feel resentful of him.

OP I think your big issue is that you are focused on everything being 50:50. It never is. DH earns 5x what I earn. He does about 75% of what I do at home and with the DC. We are a team. What matters is getting through all the work that goes into maintaining a home and happy family.

Financial stress is no joke and it will kill your relationship. Either he needs to get a PT job which brings in regular income or you go FT with him being a SAHD.

Realistically, if you are managing to save money from your income whilst supporting your family then you could continue like this but I don't think you want to, which is the point of your post I take it?

I've met people who are musicians, only a very few get to live a life where it is their full time job & I don't think your other half is one of them.

The rest take on something else, or build another side to their 'business' to increase their income (usually teaching if it's musicians, but doesn't have to be).

He has had several years to build up his business with your financial support giving him the time to focus on it, he is either not putting in the work to make it grow or doesn't know how to.
So, he either needs to learn how or make more effort.

Most self employed people running their own businesses spend the first several years working 100 hour weeks putting the time in to building their business & even then many fail.
They also manage to do the household chores/child care etc... around that.

IF it is a business, he is simply not putting the hours in or it is not viable as anything more than a hobby.

I think this has made things very clear OP - but what do you want to do? Do you want to issue ultimatums, you've already done counselling once - do you want to ask him to leave and have a break, or split up? Whats your feeling? Are you married? Who owns the house?

He picks kids up from school 3 afternoons when I'm at work, so in that way we do 50/50 of the childcare

Sorry OP but this is crazy. How can you say that him picking up the DC from school three afternoons a week equates to 50/50 of childcare? Who cooks for them, washes their clothes, bathes them, reads to them, cares for them when they are sick? Is he doing his fair share (or more since he is lolling about at home all day) of the housework? If not, why not? How can you stand it?

He picks kids up from school 3 afternoons when I'm at work, so in that way we do 50/50 of the childcare. I do more bedtimes as he's out rehearsing, and the sticking point is that it's unpaid - if he was out gigging and getti paid I wouldn't mind at all.

It's only 50/50 if he's picking them up those afternoons and then doing their homework with them, making tea, doing bathtimes. Same the mornings he drops them off, if he's ironing uniforms, getting them up, giving them breakfast and packing their bags first it's 50/50. If in reality he rolls out of bed after you've got them ready to walk/drive them just to try and convince you he's doing something and look like Dad of the year to parents and teachers at the school gate before going back home to bed that's very different!

I have been paying much more than him in reality as I haven't disclosed most of what I've been paying for, some is essentials like school uniform, and other stuff that I just want to have like taking kids to farm parks and buying lunch - Fun stuff with the kids that he wouldn't choose to do as they cost money.

What sort of parent doesn't care about at least trying to give his young children a few local trips out to farm parks and cafes. I bet he spends more than what you set aside for treats for the kids on himself. Does his Mum sub him sometimes?

Letting the house fall in to disrepair could be very problematic, unsafe and expensive in the long term. Do you jointly own the house?

I still don't see how this situation is sustainable for much longer. Kids get more expensive when they get older and you have a house to maintain. I know you said you don't want to leave the house but moving to somewhere smaller, just you and the kids is what I'd be doing. The house would have to be sold as he clearly wouldn't be able to support even himself without you. Let his family put up with his cocklodging for a bit!

Book a holiday for yourself and your kids. If he wants to come too, he can either accept he needs to find another job to pay for it, or swallow his pride and let you pay for him.

It sounds to me as if he desperately doesn't want to earn less than his wife (hence the pretense of 50:50). But he also doesn't want to give up on his dream/hobby.

He's a lazy toad. Pratting round like a middle aged Nick Drake. Tell him to get off his hole and pull a few shifts at Tesco ffs.

Why are you protecting him from the fact he's not paying his half?

How would you feel if he left tomorrow? Devastated or relieved?

What does he have going for him? Nothing from what you've described. You've had to drag him kicking and screaming to do his share of the housework...

Sounds like he's holding you all back from doing nice things like a cheap overseas holiday. Few hours teaching a week would pay for this. Poor children.

Have you and your kids ever been able to have a holiday together?