My partner is self employed, works at home, earns very little and rarely gets up in the morning. I'm so frustrated!

[Flexijane]

This is my first time talking on this site so thanks for reading, I'd really welcome some opinions and advice here, thank you!
My partner and I have been together 13 years and have 2 kids under 8.
He started working self employed from home when the first child was born and we agreed that we'd review the arrangement if it wasn't making enough money. I've had a series of steady part time jobs for the same company and although I'm not earning even £20k, it's still much more than him.

He's been supportive of me in my career and flexed his work when I need to work late, etc, but we have always done 50/50 of the childcare as we both feel strongly that we want to bring our own kids up and would rather be poor than any other arrangement.
He's a proud man so has also always insisted on paying 50/50 of all the bills too, however he has only recently admitted that we've only survived because the house bills aside, I've been paying for everything else (most of the holidays, kids clothes etc) plus we write down what we pay for things such as petrol and food in a book, then reconcile it after a few months, but he never ever does this. He waits for me to do it, so then owes me like £600 (for several months of these expenses) which he can't pay straight away so I have to just wait until he pays it.

We've been to couple counselling about this and many other issues we're having, it was kind of useful just thrashing it out, but he is stubborn and refuses to change his job (he would find it very difficult to get work as has nothing on his CV for 10 years or more, although is highly skilled in many ways)
I have tried to be patient all these years - he's a great dad and wants to be there for the kids all the time he can, so doesn't want to take on a low paid job that takes him away from them more - but I'm SO tired of our different views on cashflow.

The counsellor wanted to discuss why we both wanted everything to be 50/50 - I understand why she wanted to look at this, and I said to him I would be happy for us to move to a more proportional income set up (but not a pooled account! We do have a joint bills account) But he won't do this, saying he thinks I would resent him even more, and he could be right, because he can work whenever he likes, often gets up at 11am or later, watches TV late into the night - most people (me included) don't have this freedom! He says he works hard - but I don't see that..

I want us to save up for work on the house, better holidays etc but he never has any money and says he's happy staying at home, not eating out, "the best things in life are free" etc.
I want to chill out, but feel the love I had for him has all but gone, and has turned into resentment, I just don't feel any respect for him anymore.
Would making him get a better paid job regain that respect?
Is this all his problem or mine?
Help!

I think it sounds like a great arrangement - one that many many women are happy with doing themselves.

The woman has a part time job, the male partner has a full-time one, and they split child care 50/50.

If it's just the money side of things that you are not happy with, then why don't YOU get a better paid job? That is what the general advice would be, if this was a man posting.

Not sure what you are complaining about at all.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 the op only works part time. Why should he do all of everything and still contribute with money? That makes no sense. He does his share and so does the op and they both work albeit different hours and wages.

Although reading the op again, it does say they agreed to re evaluate the situation if not enough money was made but then he could argue there is enough money. He seems fine with how they live and he op doesn’t, surely the one who wants more money (considering they can live comfortable on what they currently have and anymore is kind of extra) should be the one to go out and earn it, you cannot force someone to go and earn and work more. If this isn’t suitable for the op then she can choose to end the relationship. Any reason is good enough to end things for any person.

I completely understand why the op is irritated by her dh. She's financially organised and holding everything together , if these things were left to him their household would be chaotic.

It's unequal , unfair , and his lifestyle doesn't lend itself to family life.

It sounds like you are subsidising his hobby.
Could he afford to live like this if you weren’t there?
He says he wants to be there for the kids but he can still be there for them and get a full time job.Could his mum help with childcare if this were to happen?
Many people manage this way.
Do you feel he is taking the piss? If you do then he probably is.
You say he earns far less than you do so the bills cant be 50/50 anyway

What has this got to do with gender?

I would not dream of lying in bed when my husband gets up to go out to work. We have two DC and I am up at 6, just like him every day.

When I was out at work and my husband wasn't working then he did the school runs. And yes, I expected him to run the house during the day.

I would never expect him to do a school run when I am sitting at home, whether I had a late night or not. That is not how a team works and every member of our family pulls their weight - because we all work to help each other reach our goals.

@joanna57 I think the advice would be that the person works part time as long long as their partner is in agreement - which she isn’t, she’s just being forced into carrying him.

I don't agree with this 50/50 "paying me back" financial setup, I think it's quite unworkable in most families and creates a bad dynamic.

However, he's absolutely taking the piss. Lie ins most days, evenings out with friends doing his hobby, someone else taking on the big financial responsibilities? Sounds great!

I'd say this if the roles were reversed and he was a woman. How does his working week actually look? He must have loads more time than you do, so therefore he should be taking on more of the childcare, the lion's share in fact. 50/50 only works when it IS 50/50. Right now you're doing most of the work inside and outside of the home and contributing more financially. When do you get your 11 am lie in?

He sounds like he's sitting very comfortably indeed - why would he want anything to change? Lazy twat. Why can't he take music lessons or take a few shifts in a local pub? He's well situated to find work like that if he's in them all evening!

I'd have lost respect for him long ago

Exactly Paris, it's the MN double standards again. I think a lot of PPs are missing the point that the OP is also working part-time, she just happens to have a job that pays more or rather more regularly than her DH's. If there was a man here who was working same hours as his wife and was equally sharing parenting with her but wanted her to go full-time because she made less money than him, I am sure everyone here would be outraged.
It seems to me that two parents to primary-school aged children who both work part-time and are still able to meet their expenses are having a very nice life indeed.

There are lots of people who work in the music industry and make those different hours work with family life. There are people who work back shifts in retail, nursing, etc, who make those hours work with family life.
Likewise, there are others who don't like their partners having different hours. OP needs to decide which she is.

Insist he starts looking for a job. Help him with his CV. I had 6 years self employed. I bigged it up to sound more than it was. I also said I'd done it to work around children. This was a lie first child arrived 3 years into self-employed work. I was hopeless at being self motivated, managing my time level, and earned very little self employed.

I got a short term contract to start with.

Don't give up on him.

My husband worked full time while I didn't. I could have lazed in bed every morning but I didn't. I would usually get up and make tea while he was in the shower, just becuase it made his morning nicer.

The problem is that you and your dh want different things out of life. You acknowledge that the family is getting by financially. Objectively there is no real need for more money to be coming in. But you want more; you want things to change. He doesn't. I don't think one of you is right and the other wrong.

(I'm not entirely clear on whether he is putting as much effort in as you are, in terms of hours worked, childcare, and housework. If he isn't, then you do have cause for grievance. I would resent a partner who wasn't working as hard as I was.)

If you agree that you and he are incompatible in terms of aspirations, it doesn't necessarily follow that splitting up would help. There's a good chance you'd be worse off financially. Imagine that scenario - higher total expenses for you and him and the children, same total income. He isn't any more likely to go get a better-paid job, so there won't be much maintenance coming your way. At this moment I guess his financial contribution to the household isn't negative - having him live with you and contribute his small earnings doesn't make you worse off than if he were gone.

If you really really resent him for this, if you don't love him anymore, then kicking him out might be what you have to do. But in practical terms I think that would make your life harder.

@bgmama, I've not been on MN for very long, but find it amazing to see just how outraged people get about other people's lives and the assumptions which are made. I'd love to hear the OP's partner's point of view.

Depends what op's part time hours look like too. Working two long days a week is very different from working 4 or 5 days of school hours, but with a commute tacked on.

He sounds like an extra older child who pays some rent and occasionally helps you with your children when he feels like it
Whats the term used here? Cocklodger, thats it. He gets to lounge about, do his hobby and get half the glory of raising the kids and living in a home that seems to be above his means.
I am the main wage earner in our set up, but Dh does all the cleaning and laundry while i'm at work, he used to also do the school drop offs and pick ups and feed Dd and himself when I was at work. We are much more 50/50 and he doesn't contribute finaciially now, but will once he gets his pensions started not long we are old glimmers

You know what he sounds like? My student teenagers and yet he's supposedly a grown man with a family. I can just about tolerate it for 2 weeks - they go back on Sunday - up very late, back at 3am, asleep until lunch time sometimes although not always by any means and they are working on university work too. This man sounds like some kind if kidult.

If he needs to work late then he can get up on time with the family, help with breakfast and chores etc and then get his nap in the afternoon before he collects children from school - I am assuming if the 2 children are under 8 they may be at school.

Secondly clearly his seof employment is yielding very very litlte money indeed so he needs to get a part time job in a bar or supermarket or do deliveroo on a bike or something to make up the money. Did we hear he did music? My children's father who also does that works very hard and very much full time. It is not an excuse not to work much.

The one question I have not seen asked or answered is if you are both married which makes a massive difference on all kinds of fronts. I assume you are not. Next question then is do you own a house or flat and whose name is it in?

Could you take some evening work, in a bar, for example, on the nights that you don't have to get up for work the next day?

You should be supporting your partner a bit more - he sounds like a very hands on dad, so why not nurture that, instead of nagging him to do something he is not happy with?

This 50/50 financial malarkey is a load of twaddle anyway, and rarely works.

Should just be one 'pot' for all.

I'll never understand this modern invention of 'my money is mine, your money is yours, and let's share the difference'.

It should just be OURS.

@FlexiJane as an aside, I work from home and am a contractor, have been for nearly 4 years now. It sounds as though your OH doesn't have a routine - could potentially be depressed and having self esteem issues?? I struggled in the past with this and now have a set alarm every day and routine for washing etc which helps me to feel more anchored and productive when work is slow. I pay 50 50 despite DH earning a lot more than I do, and make sure I get enough done so I contribute equally to our joint account as well as our social life (we don't have children at the moment)

YANBU to expect him to pull his weight and if he wants everything to be 50-50 then he needs to find a way to make that happen. His self-employed role should still be included on his CV.

It seems to me that two parents to primary-school aged children who both work part-time and are still able to meet their expenses are having a very nice life indeed.

When she earns less than 20k and he earns much less than that? Yeah right, more like the OP is making every penny go as far as she can to make sure the kids have everything they need and supporting him too. He has to pay her back for his food and petrol every few months ffs!

He couldn't support himself on what he earns never mind his children. She leaves and he'd have no choice but to find a job just to pay rent and eat.

While you enable him to plod along in his own mind little happy way then nothing will change.

Him saying he’ll never leave the house says he knows how you feel but doesn’t care. Know your place woman!

He’s told you he’ll never change anything so you have a clear choice.

I was in a similar situation,
Had children with a musician who didn't bring in much money, was a bit lazy... it was fine when the children were very young as there is so much to do but as they got older I found myself resenting him as friends' husbands by comparison got steadier work and got on the property ladder etc, I just felt left behind.
His work got less and less, and in the end I felt like I had an extra teenage son, we split up eventually.
Your husband doesn't sound as bad, perhaps you need to lay it on the line that he needs to get a part time job to redress the balance, if he won't then think about what you want in the future.

He's a proud man

No, he is not. He is a lazy fuck. A proud man would go out to work so he can support his family.

@Billben

👏

Have I got the situation right op?
You work pt, he works pt. You work during the day, he works in the evening/night doing gigs etc. You do 50:50 childcare. Your work hours compliment each other to facilitate this. You split bills 50:50 but he takes longer to "pay you back" due to the nature of his work. I'm not seeing how he's a cocklodger?

I don't think he's necessarily the problem here - Floot you say that you are both musicians and you talk about how your lifestyle has suited you, you are both ok with it and get by, things are good. That's not how the OP's life has panned out at all; this arrangement is not by agreement although of course, her DH is very happy with it. OP explains they have no money for a family holiday or to do work on the house, all because her DH doesn't contribute enough money, not because they agree that they are content to do without those things. And what money he does pay is sporadic and unreliable.

OP when you talk about 50/50 does he do the lions share of the housework, seeing as he hardly ever works? Would you be able to work without him being there for the kids?