My partner is self employed, works at home, earns very little and rarely gets up in the morning. I'm so frustrated!

[Flexijane]

This is my first time talking on this site so thanks for reading, I'd really welcome some opinions and advice here, thank you!
My partner and I have been together 13 years and have 2 kids under 8.
He started working self employed from home when the first child was born and we agreed that we'd review the arrangement if it wasn't making enough money. I've had a series of steady part time jobs for the same company and although I'm not earning even £20k, it's still much more than him.

He's been supportive of me in my career and flexed his work when I need to work late, etc, but we have always done 50/50 of the childcare as we both feel strongly that we want to bring our own kids up and would rather be poor than any other arrangement.
He's a proud man so has also always insisted on paying 50/50 of all the bills too, however he has only recently admitted that we've only survived because the house bills aside, I've been paying for everything else (most of the holidays, kids clothes etc) plus we write down what we pay for things such as petrol and food in a book, then reconcile it after a few months, but he never ever does this. He waits for me to do it, so then owes me like £600 (for several months of these expenses) which he can't pay straight away so I have to just wait until he pays it.

We've been to couple counselling about this and many other issues we're having, it was kind of useful just thrashing it out, but he is stubborn and refuses to change his job (he would find it very difficult to get work as has nothing on his CV for 10 years or more, although is highly skilled in many ways)
I have tried to be patient all these years - he's a great dad and wants to be there for the kids all the time he can, so doesn't want to take on a low paid job that takes him away from them more - but I'm SO tired of our different views on cashflow.

The counsellor wanted to discuss why we both wanted everything to be 50/50 - I understand why she wanted to look at this, and I said to him I would be happy for us to move to a more proportional income set up (but not a pooled account! We do have a joint bills account) But he won't do this, saying he thinks I would resent him even more, and he could be right, because he can work whenever he likes, often gets up at 11am or later, watches TV late into the night - most people (me included) don't have this freedom! He says he works hard - but I don't see that..

I want us to save up for work on the house, better holidays etc but he never has any money and says he's happy staying at home, not eating out, "the best things in life are free" etc.
I want to chill out, but feel the love I had for him has all but gone, and has turned into resentment, I just don't feel any respect for him anymore.
Would making him get a better paid job regain that respect?
Is this all his problem or mine?
Help!

Xenia Not everyone works daytime, some work nights. Why shouldn’t they sleep on in the morning after a late shift? It’s not split into the way you think it is. You would hate me, I’m on benefits and I have sleep issues so go to bed late and wake up late on weekends sometimes weekdays if there is no school.

Why shouldn’t they sleep on in the morning after a late shift?

After a late shift watching TV as in this case? Nope he should be getting up with the kids or going out to work himself.

Guessing his bandmates leave evening rehearsals in time to get a decent night's sleep to go out to their jobs next morning.

@Xenia, I too have got up at 6am for decades. However, I do recognise that other people work at different times from me, shift workers don't get up at 6am but they probably do 'bust a gut' too. I don't think there's anything heroic about getting up at that time, I'm in bed and asleep by 10 when others are still working.

All those saying it would be different if it was a woman... can you imagine id a husband wrote, " I work full time while my wife gets up late and I have to take the kids to school before work. My wife is gigging some evenings and I'm struggling but she doesn't care".

It's not cos he's a bloke. He needs to supplement his work with a job.

I'd save for a holiday and go with the kids.

The most important thing is he's not being a caring partner. He is being completely selfish and not being a 50 percent support financially or emotionally.

I'm not understanding something.

You work part-time bringing in less than 20k. He is often late paying his half of EVERYTHING, that he insists on paying and you insist on him paying, but he does eventually pay. Yes? So he pays 50% of everything, in the end? But he brings in significantly less than you.

If all of the above is correct, you must have a huge surplus left over from your wage. So, you have considerable savings, then?

Not sure why people are saying he is living off her earnings. If - as the OP says he does - he eventually pays 50% of everything, then he isn't doing that.

Something not adding up here, anyway.

NO. he doesn't pay 50%.
He says that is what he wants to do.

The reality is that extras like children's clothes and holidays are paid for by the op.

Hmm. I don't feel the OP is being clear on that point. She mentions kids' clothes and holidays, but it's got to be more than that, surely, if he earns so much less than she does? But then, as she is on less than £20k part-time, that can't be more than £1,000 a month, and that can't cover much more than half of the bills for a family?

It's all a bit weird.

Presumably the OP and her partner are entitled to tax credits to supplement their income.

I suppose that makes sense, but in that case, at least some of the shortfall is being made up by tax credits, not by the OP herself.

I'm not saying there isn't an issue - the OP is clearly very unhappy with the status quo - but I would want to see a breakdown of who earns what before calling the guy a cocklodger.

Pengggwn I agree. We need a breakdown of everything really before I can begin to understand the problem the op has. I’m surprised so many people are calling him awful names going off such little information. And information that isn’t very clear at that.

I'm up at sometime between 5 and 6 in the morning 7 days of the week. It's called having children. I happen to work too.

He should be doing all of the morning work around the DC. The conversation i would be having would be around him being the SAHD and the OP working FT.

Haven't read the full thread and don't expect to but bloody he'll OP that's a long winded way of saying he is lazy.

Laziness is a character trait that isn't ever you g to shift. You can though.

Want2bSupermum I don’t think he should do all of the morning work as he sometimes works late. When he works late I wouldn’t begrudge him some decent sleep. I do agree though about the op working full time and him becoming a SAHP.

Don't think OP is coming back

quack From what the OP says he isn't working late most of the time but 'networking' at gigs. He can also get up, do the school run and go back to sleep once the DC are at school.

Fair point but the op herself is only working part time. I still don’t think he should do the school run every morning. Depending on what way the op works part time. I see things the way I have but with more information I would happily change my view if need be.

If the wife was arsing about at a hobby and pretending it was an actual career and saying she was paying while actually not and saying she was doing half the childcare while actually not, they would be much the same.

Lots of SAHMs do just this (we all know one that just goes to the spa, has a nanny and cleaner and drinks coffee all day) and somehow that's FINE.

I do wonder if the genders were reversed in this thread, a woman would get as much flack and be told she is a "sponge". Also if a bloke said his low-earning wife owed him £600 of bills, wouldn't everyone be yelling "financial abuse!!!"?

Good grief I don’t know where to start!

we have an arrangement where we share all the school runs equally but I do 3 mornings and he does 2
This is 60/40, not 50/50 which is equal.

Tell me how a good father would decide to displace his children because “he won’t leave the house”? He is the only one that gets a say in this. If he loved his children and you broke up surely he would want to minimise disruption for them.

I think he is pisstaker and is in no way doing 50/50.
Why doesn’t he care about your happiness? You aren’t asking for the moon on a stick.
If you left him I’m betting he’d be financial fucked.
He needs to start making some money pronto.
would he consider tutoring it pays well and can be done evening and weekends when you are about he can also pick his hours

Well next time the dcs need shoes send him off to Clarks, get them fitted up and he can square up after his next gig. Yeah? Then off to Primark, M&S, Asda, wherever, for clothes and offer them the same? Because we all know children have growth spurts at super convenient times, when you’ve got extra cash just lying around, and never when you’ve just replaced the washing machine and had to put 2 tyres on your car! So no, it’s not 50:50, it’s pressure on OP to be able to provide, on demand.
Also, who gets up at the weekends with the dcs? Do you get lie ins OP?

Wow thanks for all the comments and sorry for taking a while to get back.
There's so much divided opinion which makes me unsurprised at why I've been so confused for so long about what is fair and what isn't.

Let me try and give a few more facts.

He picks kids up from school 3 afternoons when I'm at work, so in that way we do 50/50 of the childcare. I do more bedtimes as he's out rehearsing, and the sticking point is that it's unpaid - if he was out gigging and getti paid I wouldn't mind at all.

I have been paying much more than him in reality as I haven't disclosed most of what I've been paying for, some is essentials like school uniform, and other stuff that I just want to have like taking kids to farm parks and buying lunch - Fun stuff with the kids that he wouldn't choose to do as they cost money.
I started writing ALL of this down a a couple of years ago, and started saving any surplus of my income, so now have enough to pay for us all to have a holiday / paint the house (never been decorated and looks dreadful) etc - BUT he can't afford to pay half of any of this, so we don't go on holiday and the house doesn't get painted!
He won't let me pay but it means I have to miss out on these things I feel I worked hard for and instead live at his level of income. And this is the ways it's been for years. Yes we could agree that he'll pay me back, but when he already owes for house bills it starts to mount up.

I can't give a breakdown of who pays what here but in general we're not big spenders, don't have a new car, and buy stuff from charity shops. I don't want the family to have more money so we can be consume and buy more, I just want to live comfortably, and feel that his low income means I have to miss out which is why I'm unhappy.

After the couples counselling a few things did change - I mentioned before, he won't change his job (and thanks for the suggestions, no he won't take on teaching or another part time job, I've suggested this myself a few times and he refuses) but he is pulling his weight more around the house and does the lions share of the cleaning now.

I don't know if he goes back to bed after the school run on the 2 days a week he does that, but I think sometimes he does, yes. I think this would be fine IF he'd had paid work the night before, but he hasn't, it's just his pattern is later than the norm.
Many comments here about how this shouldn't mean he isn't working hard - I hear that and I'm sure sometimes he's not watching TV late into the evenings, sometimes he's working on the computer on stuff - but my point is, that even though it's work, if it's not making him money then surely I'm subsidising his career?
So he has an enjoyable career whilst I have an 'ok but not that enjoyable' career in an office.

I'll have to read all the comments again and will answer anything I've missed when I get more time - thanks all x

How do you see the future panning out. Will you always be able to get by with him doing this little paid work. Will he still be in a band trying to make it in his 50s? Will kids be able to achieve their best with no financial support from you two?
He is following an unusual and selfish path. I think he should see a counsellor and discuss his parents failed marriage, he seems to see his being there is enough (his dad wasn't), and contributing by doing the housework is enough (much more than his dad did). when it is really copping out imv (which is dad did) (amateur MN psych)

He picks kids up from school 3 afternoons when I'm at work, so in that way we do 50/50 of the childcare

What? Who picks them up in the afternoons? Who makes them dinner and does homework? Who washes their clothes and does the food shopping?
Who takes them places at the weekend and plays with them and baths them?

So he has an enjoyable career whilst I have an 'ok but not that enjoyable' career in an office

It would help you if you stopped feeding his delusion that he has a career at all. It's a hobby, nothing more.

The more you say the worse it is.

Is this really the life you want?

You’re paying and doing most of it anyway. You’d be better off without him.