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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who choses a 13yo's school (parent or child)?

148 replies

Marcellus · 11/04/2018 16:56

DS is 12. He'll be moving school next year (as will all his friends- he's at a prep school) and has two options.

School A: a good school with great facilities. He would be very near the top academically there. This is where most of his friends are going. It has a nice atmosphere and is generally a decent option.

School B: a really exceptional school. It is more academic so he would have to work harder to be near the top (although he certainly wouldn't struggle there). I think the ethos and atmosphere of the school would suit him brilliantly. None of his friends are going there (although he'd be starting at the school's main entry point, so most of the other boys will be new too).

He wants to go to School A and I want him to go to School B. I'd be grateful for people's views on who should ultimately decide? (Or rather, I think I should ultimately decide, but how much should my decision be based on my views rather than his?)

To me, School B would be a much better choice. The disadvantage of not being with his friends would be quickly forgotten once he had settled in, but the benefit of being at a school which suits him better (and where he won't be able to coast academically) will last. I also quite like the idea of him having a fresh start with new people as he's been at school with the same crowd since he was 3.

He thinks that School A is a good school (and it is) and so why can't he go there and be with his friends?

I'm also worried that, if I choose for him, he'll go to School B with the wrong attitude. Gargh.

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 11/04/2018 16:57

It is the parent's decision. Take his view into account by all means.

Original poster

Marcellus · 11/04/2018 16:58

*chooses

OP posts:

PattiStanger · 11/04/2018 16:59

Each family will have their own view on how much the child should be involved, there aren't any actual rules.

There's pretty much no choice where I live so luckily not an issue I've had to deal with.

Trinity66 · 11/04/2018 17:01

Ultimately your choice but I would think he should definitely have a say. I was in a similar situation with my DS last year, I let him go to his choice in the end

Original poster

Marcellus · 11/04/2018 17:01

Sorry, poor title- I know there aren't actual rules. I'm just interested in people's opinions.

OP posts:

NeedForBlossom · 11/04/2018 17:01

I wanted to go to our local school, all my friends went. Not great results but closest to home.

My mum flatly refused and I ended up at another school in the town. Hers was the right decision. HTH.

PeanutbutterBuns · 11/04/2018 17:02

It's the parent's. That said both schools seem pretty decent and being at the top academically and being noticed doesn't sound like a bad thing to me. If you send him to the more academic school and he's working hard to only be in the middle and has no friends you might risk him spiraling.

Thebookswereherfriends · 11/04/2018 17:03

At that age friends are really important and if he has good friends going to school a, and there is nothing inherently wrong with it then I would let that be a big deciding factor.
I started at a secondary school not knowing anyone and it was really hard and meant that my focus was on my unhappiness and not my school work.

Allthingsbluetoo · 11/04/2018 17:03

We had a similar thing. Try and visit both schools a few times with your son and try to be as impartial as you can.
Can you introduce him to some boys who will be in his year or who are older from your preferred school?
Ultimately its your choice but I think you will have to do some strong persuading and a big sell.
Good luck!

Allthebestnamesareused · 11/04/2018 17:03

We chose school B for our son in the same type of circumstances. We made an effort for him to stay in touch with his friends who went on to school A but I have to say it was DS who dropped his old friends for new rather than the old friends dropping him.

He is now thriving not being at the top of the cohort but still predicted excellent (mumsnet style) grades! The competition has worked for him and he works harder now rather than just coasting as do all his peers.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 11/04/2018 17:05

DS1 wasn't certain which High School he liked best when we were viewing them a year or so ago. We sat down with DH and talked it through, being honest about what his strengths and weaknesses were and why we all thought which one was right. Luckily all three of us agreed on the same school and that was that, but there's no question that I would have pulled rank had DS1 disagreed and been desperate to go to another because, sometimes, adults just know more about a situation than their child.

68Anon · 11/04/2018 17:06

Difficult decision.
If you send him to school B then he could become resentful towards you. Likewise, if you send him to school A and you feel he is not working as hard as he should be then you will become resentful.
If you believe he will still do well academically at school A and that is the school of his choice then would it be so awful to send him there?

BarbarianMum · 11/04/2018 17:06

At 12 my parents let me decide, probably because they were feeling bad about how much I'd hated my previous school (their choice). I'd make him give you good reasons though - ones not based on friendship.

RafikiIsTheBest · 11/04/2018 17:08

I think you know your son best and if you think that sending him to school B will mean his attitude sucks or he will struggle with not being with his friends and peers he's known for about a decade will hamper his ability or personality then it would be a mistake. If he is a well rounded, confident, sociable and outgoing person then B might be the best choice.

I'd take him to visit both schools a few times, see if you can arrange some meetup with some other children starting that school and possibly keep an open mind to going to school B for a term or two and if he doesn't thrive then pulling him out and going for A (assuming you can swap that easily).

Littlefish · 11/04/2018 17:09

Parent chooses in your case. I don't believe that at 12, most children would be mature enough to weigh up all the elements of a school and will naturally be swayed towards the one where friends are going.

Sirzy · 11/04/2018 17:10

I would take his views into account. I would also consider how he will cope with the added pressure of the more academic school.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 11/04/2018 17:12

I would question whether being near the top of the class would necessarily mean he would coast - both schools should be stretching pupils of all academic abilities. How motivated is your son by wanting to be top of the class? I think your best bet is working out why you think the school B is better suited to him and discussing that with him.

I was "persuaded" to go to an academic sixth form I didn't really want, and (I appreciate I was older) it completely demotivated me, I ended up getting two of the four A levels I was expected to and it knocked my confidence quite a lot (then went on to drop out of uni too, la la, got there in the end!)

Pinkvoid · 11/04/2018 17:15

Your choice but you have to consider where he would be happiest and it sounds as though that’s in school A.

My DF wanted me to go to private secondary school but I refused as I wanted to stick with my friends. I got my way and things didn’t turn out so bad.

EsmeMargaretNoteSpelling · 11/04/2018 17:15

I think the child gets to give their views and preferences on both schools, but “my friends are going there” isn’t one they can use because it isn’t about the school, it’s about his friends.
Ultimately you choose having listened to his input. Benevolent dictatorship!

steppemum · 11/04/2018 17:16

I always advise parents that they should chose the school, as their child at age 11 or 13 simply doesn't have the breadth of world view to understand the implications.
But they should take the child's view into account and consider the child's fit to the school as much as things like academic reputation.

The hardest one to get past is the friendship angle, all kids want to go with their friends and can't imagine making new ones.

if you have 2 decent schools to chose from, think yourself lucky and you know that neither is a bad choice.

I sat ds down and explained what factors we were taking into consideration, and listen to what he had to say, but our factors were pretty big (super selective grammar v. crap local comp)
We promised him that if he really was unhappy, he could move at the end of year 7. After day one he came home grinning form ear to ear. He is now year 10, and a couple of months ago suddenly said that he understood why we thought he would get a better education at his school.

loopylass13 · 11/04/2018 17:21

I'd let your son decide - I think happiness comes before grades.

SluttyButty · 11/04/2018 17:24

My sons wanted to go to the school all their friends were going to, I said no and sent them to the school that had a much better reputation. They both said I made the right decision when they left school.

PeanutbutterBuns · 11/04/2018 17:24

As an adult I'd weigh up two employers and if they were largely equal but one had lsightly better benefits and the other had people I actually wanted to spend time with... I'd choose the latter

holycityzoo · 11/04/2018 17:25

Hmm we were in a similar situation with dd two years ago.

She sat for two schools one was a very good school with very good results a very caring ethos treating each girl as an individual with a huge emphasis on extra curricular activities and the girls balancing the academic with lots of enjoyable things too.
She also sat for a very academic school which is all about outstanding results. It's ranked in the top 5 in the country and the pass mark is incredibly high. It's not known for its pastoral care but there is no denying it's an excellent school.

She passed both. The first school by 48 marks and the second by 6 marks and after a lot of family discussion we let her choose. She was very mature and wouldn't have chosen the school just because friends were there.

In the end she chose the first school which I was really hoping she would. She's coming to the end of her second year and I know she made the right decision.
Having spoke to friends who's daughters are at the second school it sounds like it wouldn't have suited dd at all.
She chose school

chloesmumtoo · 11/04/2018 17:26

I would let my child decide. Although I would also ensure he visits both schools to enable his decision. I could not send my child to somewhere they didnt want to go but thats just me. I was the same with their options. Their choice, their future.

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