Who choses a 13yo's school (parent or child)?

[Marcellus]

DS is 12. He'll be moving school next year (as will all his friends- he's at a prep school) and has two options.

School A: a good school with great facilities. He would be very near the top academically there. This is where most of his friends are going. It has a nice atmosphere and is generally a decent option.

School B: a really exceptional school. It is more academic so he would have to work harder to be near the top (although he certainly wouldn't struggle there). I think the ethos and atmosphere of the school would suit him brilliantly. None of his friends are going there (although he'd be starting at the school's main entry point, so most of the other boys will be new too).

He wants to go to School A and I want him to go to School B. I'd be grateful for people's views on who should ultimately decide? (Or rather, I think I should ultimately decide, but how much should my decision be based on my views rather than his?)

To me, School B would be a much better choice. The disadvantage of not being with his friends would be quickly forgotten once he had settled in, but the benefit of being at a school which suits him better (and where he won't be able to coast academically) will last. I also quite like the idea of him having a fresh start with new people as he's been at school with the same crowd since he was 3.

He thinks that School A is a good school (and it is) and so why can't he go there and be with his friends?

I'm also worried that, if I choose for him, he'll go to School B with the wrong attitude. Gargh.

Like you, we had 2 excellent schools (both grammar) locally to choose from.

One is very modern and sporty with brilliant facilities and in walking distance.

The other is more traditional, older architecture and a short bus/train ride away.

Me and DH preferred the latter, DS the former. There was very little in it so we went with his choice. He's going to be putting in the hours.

Parents. Unless it is between two absolutely equal schools (ie parents are equally happy with either).

Ds has chosen his next school, also going from prep to senior. I hope it’s the right choice but I can’t say I’m certain but then can anyone. I think it depends on his reasons. Is it all about staying with his friends or are there other things he prefers? Ds chose the school he chose because it offers weekly boarding and he likescoming home for weekends, it is also relatively near to us 1.5hr round trip, the other front runners were 3-4 hours one way. He just like the way it felt but he didn’t know any other kids going at the time he chose although he did know a couple of previous leavers from his current school. It is a very academic school, if anything I worried he might struggle not being able to coast his way near the top of the pack. Now amongst a more selective group he’ll have to really work to hold his own. He knows this and still chose it. I found it impossible to argue against his decision when he chose a good school and I didn’t feel I could 100% choose any better. Lots of people switch about at the start of year 10

Both schools described sound like good options. If A was worse I think it would be easier to say you will decide!

In school A would he have to opportunity to get the best grades (do some get great results, is the teaching to a high standard?) and is there access to all subjects he is likely to pursue?
Are they both the same distance away? Ie would his friends from either school be more local/able to meet up more easily etc?

By the end of secondary school I wasn't particularly friends with the children I moved there with from primary school, but you can't see that at 12.

OP, What’s the proximity of both schools to home? Are they both day or boarding? Is school B boarding and school A day?

Ian he on target for A's at GCSE because that's the end result isn't really

Hell acheieve because he as a decent work ethic and wants to learn

The environment is irrelevant

Same with schools they want the best results for all the pupils do I doubt they'll let him coast

One will keep his condolence up the other may well destroy it

I would go with school A, tempting as School B sounds. If he's bright, he'll do well anyway.

Another thing with bright kids is that they can be early bloomers and struggle later (i.e. me) -especially when surrounded by ultra bright kids (me again).

My dd went up to high school in 2017, and we had very different ideas of what school should attend.

I wanted her to go school A. Good school (or so I thought), local feeder for her primary. Good reputation. We don't live in their zone, but was willing to do all I could to get her in and started researching it early on. Turning kids away due to being full.

She liked school B. Local zoned school. Not a great reputation in recent years. Walking distance. Loved the programs they offered. She settled on this choice and I agreed as it was her life and she needed to decide what was important her to her education.

She is now in her second yr there. They are fighting new enrollments off each term. They are now turning people away. She is happy, they are a relaxed school and she says learning is fun and interesting. Little to no bullying, and what there is is stamped on.

School A, my preference. They are losing students. They are very strict, and the leadership team do not get on with the teaching staff, there is a hierarchy attitude that is tangible to the students. You can never get them on the phone. They are unorganized. My friend tried to move her middle daughter there into yr 7 (they are reception - yr 12. here in South Oz you have primary school which is R-7 and high school which is 8-12. Some schools are R-12). At first they promised her a place was available and she could start in the new year. A week later they phoned her and said sorry, we were wrong. My friend was livid. Her daughter is ASD and all week she thought she was going to a new school, only to be told actually...no. Her eldest daughter goes there and they are not happy.

Sometimes, kids do know what is best for them, and I am so pleased I let dd lead on this one. She couldn't be happier so far!

We chose for our 11yr old, and she really struggled with the prospect of going somewhere that none of her friends were going. But within one week, she had settled in and we never looked back. She has been super happy and has positively thrived there, and now admits wholeheartedly, it was by far the best choice. Having said that, the alternative choice we had was far inferior, so that somewhat made the decision easier. Good luck!

I was talking to someone about this just the other day....they were saying they really regretted letting their children choose A and realised later on that they really were in a better position to choose than their kids were...that it put too much responsibility on them.

So I would go for choosing yourself - but taking into account their opinions.

The friend issue is transient but also important. Let your kids know that you understand that and maybe put something in place, a club or something they all go to so its obvious those friendships will continue while the new ones build.

I think that the importance of the happiness and wellbeing of a teenager sometimes does not get enough weight, especially when the focus is all on how many top grades a school gets.

If both are good schools, and both turn out a top set which has a string of A*/As or 9/8/7s, then the chances of your offspring not getting as good grades there as they would anywhere are pretty damned slim.

If the schools are miles apart (literally, so school run becomes a factor) or metaphorically (because there is a big difference in important aspects) then you might have to step in and make sure logistics and logic prevail.

But if you're looking at small, possibly entirely hypothetical, differences between two good school, then give more weight to the DC. For they are the Ines who have to really live the school experience, and they are the Ines who have to be able to 'see' themselves there.

I have let my daughter decide on her high school. She has opted not to go to the girls' private school attended by her older sister (which has excellent results). She has chosen the local high school, which has an extremely mixed catchment intake (taking kids from some of the city's most privileged AND deprived areas), and relatively good (but by no means outstanding!) results. She will no doubt be exposed to behaviours that her primary school has sheltered her from. Meh. She will be with her friends - which is as good a reason as any at that age - and I am of the strong opinion that high school is what you make of it. And it greatly depends on the individual child's personality. So as I am typing this, I can her my eldest's alarm going off (it's 1.15pm!!) and she has ignored it. I will now have to nag her to do exam revision . So she is at the top school and is bright but lazy, bless her, whereas my 11 year old isn't as academic but will try her very best at the comp. Horses for courses, and all that!

hear, not her.

Also, I would STRONGLY look at the pastoral side of things at both schools. I cannot emphasise enough the importance of happiness and mental wellbeing, even over and above results.

Strongly recommend looking. Grrr, what is wrong with me today?!

I'd go with his choice personally. His current friends are a known quantity and hopefully they will stick together for the most part. New school = entirely new set of friends, you never know what you're going to get! He's doing well currently with the friends he has and you're in a great position really, as both schools sound really good.

In this day and age, with social media, your DS will not lose contact with his old friends.

We found that it has been really helpful to have an out of school social circle. That way, any issues in school can get left behind.

Go for the school which is right for him. Obviously, you need to listen to his opinion and discuss the options and pros/cons but, ultimately, you should have the final say. Hopefully, you have sound reasons for choosing the other school and can convince him. Just because his friends are going isn't a strong enough reason on its own.

Well parents do have to decide as they fill out the forms etc

Both schools are good so you could let your DS choose. But before that you should go back to school A and see what they say about coasting and how they push DCs academically. Sounds like you are talking about fee paying schools so I can’t imagine for a minute they’d be letting him ‘coast’. I’d try and address your concerns with a visit and speaking to staff. Then the same with DS, let him see School B and ask questions.
If he really thinks the atmosphere of School B is not for him, I’d probably listen because you do have another good option. If he is that type of child, he will do well at either school academically so choose one that caters to all his interests- music, concerts, plays, trips abroad, sports teams.....

Firstly the friendship groups will change anyway, so the perceived advantage of school A will be lost. My DS1 went to a state grammar from prep school and he was one of a close group of 4 who took this route, they had all made new friends by the end of the first term.
Secondly I presume that this is the school that will see him right through to A levels. Does School A get pupils into the sort of universities you would hope for? If so an additional number of A* grades etc. etc. is really neither here nor there. DS1 got considerably better A levels than those of his prep school classmates who stayed in the independent sector so it is hard to say for certain how School A and School B would compare. School A is almost certain to be a success in an all round sort of way. The risks with School B are that he might not be happy there and would underperform.

We were advised by the head of DS's primary school that the parent should take responsibility, if only because if it turned out to be the wrong choice then the child can blame you not him/herself.
Wasn't quite convinced of that at the time, but it's another reason to go for the parents making the decision.

My parents chose school b for me. As a quiet shy child with no close family I believe that school a would have benefited me more, because despite ok academic results I really could have done with some familiarity.

Surely all his friends parents can't be wrong? Why is he so different to them do you think?

My son has all the same crowd from junior school plus a few extras -

I went to a secondary school where I was close to the top and moved up with all my friends but then in the middle of year 7 my mum decided to move us back to our home town and I had to change schools. I started off as middle, academically but by year 9 was bottom. The reason was I struggled to make new friends and spent so much time trying to get those new friends there wasn't much time for education. Obvs I still did all my homework but my grades just weren't what they were.

So I think you should allow him to go to school A. He's not going to lose anything I don't think by going but he could possibly lose a fair amount if he goes to school b
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School A. I would let him choose out of those two options as both seem good and where he will be happiest is the most important.

Mummyoflittledragon

Are these both private schools? If they are, surely he can change later, can’t he?

@Mummyoflittledragon - it’s not that easy to change schools, popular private schools will have waiting lists and further assessments for entry in later years. So he may not get in again. Also they may not have any spaces available.