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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who choses a 13yo's school (parent or child)?

148 replies

Marcellus · 11/04/2018 16:56

DS is 12. He'll be moving school next year (as will all his friends- he's at a prep school) and has two options.

School A: a good school with great facilities. He would be very near the top academically there. This is where most of his friends are going. It has a nice atmosphere and is generally a decent option.

School B: a really exceptional school. It is more academic so he would have to work harder to be near the top (although he certainly wouldn't struggle there). I think the ethos and atmosphere of the school would suit him brilliantly. None of his friends are going there (although he'd be starting at the school's main entry point, so most of the other boys will be new too).

He wants to go to School A and I want him to go to School B. I'd be grateful for people's views on who should ultimately decide? (Or rather, I think I should ultimately decide, but how much should my decision be based on my views rather than his?)

To me, School B would be a much better choice. The disadvantage of not being with his friends would be quickly forgotten once he had settled in, but the benefit of being at a school which suits him better (and where he won't be able to coast academically) will last. I also quite like the idea of him having a fresh start with new people as he's been at school with the same crowd since he was 3.

He thinks that School A is a good school (and it is) and so why can't he go there and be with his friends?

I'm also worried that, if I choose for him, he'll go to School B with the wrong attitude. Gargh.

OP posts:
holycityzoo · 11/04/2018 17:26

Don't where that she chose school came from!

PalePinkSwan · 11/04/2018 17:27

That’s difficult but I’d go for school A. Doesn’t sound like enough of a difference between school’s to ignore his wishes.

I don’t really get why you feel he needs a fresh start? I’d love to have friends I’d known since I was 3. Friendships are probably more important to his long term happiness than the possibility of very slightly higher grades.

5plusMeAndHim · 11/04/2018 17:28

He does not know where he will be happiest.No-one does, but you can at least view the situation objectively and with a greater experience and maturity than his life and life experience allows.

CapnHaddock · 11/04/2018 17:30

I think it very much depends on his personality. Some children will work harder if they are nearer the bottom of the academic pile, others will be discouraged.

MereDintofPandiculation · 11/04/2018 17:31

How easy does he find it to fit in and to make friends? I went to a secondary school where I didn't know anyone, and massively underachieved because I was so unhappy there. If I'd been a child who found social interaction easier, it might have been a different story.

FranticallyPeaceful · 11/04/2018 17:32

My brother was an overachiever and forced into a school he didn’t really want to go to, he struggled with depression and anxiety and is now an alcoholic. Also couldn’t bring himself to stay in further education... he’s a functioning alcoholic and earns a lot of money now, but my God he is is miserable!

I was allowed into the school of my choice and I did well, although still struggle with anxiety but nothing like he did.

Of course I’m sure your son won’t be an alcoholic. But remember teens are a time of emotional turmoil and things are blown out of proportion in normal circumstances, let alone if he’s separated... and ensure you will be there for him to support him should you send him somewhere he isn’t with his friends.

I think what matters here is your support throughout, not so much the school. Either decision is absolutely fine with the correct support

Doubletrouble99 · 11/04/2018 17:32

Do they do in days at both schools? If so definitely get him to do these. Would give a better idea of how he would fit in.
Visit as much as possible and get a 'feel' for both schools. Then hopefully your son will come round to your way of thinking.

MinaPaws · 11/04/2018 17:32

Ask him to consider the schools' qualities without thinking about who is going there. they make new friends in their teens anyway as they mature and their interests change.

DC both went to a very academic school where they knew no one. They have close friends now. DS1 is still friendly with a small handful of primary school mates but really only sees one regulalry. DS2 doesn't hang out at all with his old primary school friends and doesn't miss them. Nor do I. The new friends are a lot nicer.

cantkeepawayforever · 11/04/2018 17:33

As you will be paying, it's (ultimately) your choice.

chocolateworshipper · 11/04/2018 17:33

Just a factor to think of: mental health. My eldest would have done much better in her GCSEs if problems at school hadn't caused her mental health problems.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/04/2018 17:33

Are these both private schools? If they are, surely he can change later, can’t he?

Andrewofgg · 11/04/2018 17:33

Parent. The clue is in the word "child".

YearOfYouRemember · 11/04/2018 17:36

Instinctively I would say parent and given he wants to go with his mates, and therefore not thinking of the bigger picture, I'd say you choose.

I have three at secondary school and both the dc, dh and I all agreed we wanted them to go to the schools they are at but I'd they'd wanted to go elsewhere I'd have listened. If their reasons were valid we may have considered another school but luckily it didn't come up.

cantkeepawayforever · 11/04/2018 17:36

I would also agree that you should sit down and list out the advantages and disadvantages of each school, taking friends out of the equation.

Remind him that many people's friends change on school transition anyway, and they may well be in different classes, so he needs to know that he is in the 'best school for him' even if he ends up with totally different friends.

So 'the boys there seemed rally friendly and open' is a good reason for choosing a school, while 'my friends from prep will start there with me' is not a good reason.

Missingstreetlife · 11/04/2018 17:37

Is one school much posher than the other? Not much fun if he can't keep up socially. If that's not an issue go for it, but really a bright child will do well in any school if supported and encouraged.

Caulk · 11/04/2018 17:37

I chose my school when I changed at 13. I hated it there but was too embarrassed that I’d got it wrong that I just had a shit few years there pretending it was great.

toomanysmallpeoplecallmemom · 11/04/2018 17:38

Child - they have to go there every day and have to begin to make their own decisions in life - I would discourage a 'bad' school choice but both of your options sound ok

NKFell · 11/04/2018 17:39

I think there's no real 'right' answer although ultimately I think it's always the parent's decision. In my view it just depends how important the child's PoV is, if that makes sense.

For what it's worth, my parents had a similar decision although I had siblings in school B and it was B I went to. At first I felt badly done to because I missed my friends but then I made friends and forgot about it!

Lovemusic33 · 11/04/2018 17:40

I let my daughter chose, she had a choice of 2 schools and chose a school that her friends were not going too.

Tinkobell · 11/04/2018 17:41

Been through this. Academics to one-side, does school B have the kind of kids like your DS & plenty of them? Do they have clubs and interesting things that your DS is into?
If it all went tits up, could your DS bail and get entry into school A?

Hillingdon · 11/04/2018 17:42

School B. I presume these are private with similar fees? If all boys are starting together there are plenty who will be in the same situation. At 11/12 they are just not experienced enough to make the right decisions.

Ditto what a PP said. My children don't really keep in contact at all with friends they made at their prep school even though at 11 and 12 there were sleep overs and them popping in and out all the time.

They will get over it. 12 year olds don't go into a massive sulk for months/years on end. The school simply wouldn't let them. My DS weren't particularly academic but the school they went to really encouraged and pushed them to be the best they could be. Its absolutely cost us but so worth it in the end seeing the results they got.

MrsTylerJoseph · 11/04/2018 17:43

I think he should have a big say when both schools are good.

It would be different if one schoo, was really bad.

Friends are important and I think it’s a bit too easy to say they’d soon be forgotten and he’d make new ones. Guess you know your son best and how likely he is to be popular but my dd spent 3 miserable years at a school with no friends and this led to all sorts of mental health problems. She’s now moved school and is really popular at her new school so I don’t think it’s that she’s odd.....she just didn’t click socially in the first secondary school. So it does happen.

gamerwidow · 11/04/2018 17:43

Parent decides but after listening to child and considering child's view. You might still disagree in the end but at least they'll know they had their say.
Making sure you child gets the best education they can is a parental responsibility and it's too big a decision to let a child make on their own.

Kissthealderman · 11/04/2018 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StaplesCorner · 11/04/2018 17:43

My DD really needed to change schools last year, so as to start the first year of her GCSEs in a new school - so she was just over 14 at the time we had to decide. She decided to stay at her previous school (desperate place with constant assaults, bullying, police outside all the time, teachers walking out every few weeks etc).

It was definitely the wrong decision, but I let her have the final say. I regret how its turned out - she definitely should have left and gone to much nicer new school - but I believe kids do best where their friends are. Although your son is younger, I think its entirely natural for him to want to be with his friends. At least you have 2 good choices to pick from.

I've been reading a lot recently about choices and regret - how making a choice immediately fills you with regret as you feel there is automatically some "loss" so if he took school A and you let him, you'd feel a little disappointed and again, that's only natural too.