Who choses a 13yo's school (parent or child)?

[Marcellus]

DS is 12. He'll be moving school next year (as will all his friends- he's at a prep school) and has two options.

School A: a good school with great facilities. He would be very near the top academically there. This is where most of his friends are going. It has a nice atmosphere and is generally a decent option.

School B: a really exceptional school. It is more academic so he would have to work harder to be near the top (although he certainly wouldn't struggle there). I think the ethos and atmosphere of the school would suit him brilliantly. None of his friends are going there (although he'd be starting at the school's main entry point, so most of the other boys will be new too).

He wants to go to School A and I want him to go to School B. I'd be grateful for people's views on who should ultimately decide? (Or rather, I think I should ultimately decide, but how much should my decision be based on my views rather than his?)

To me, School B would be a much better choice. The disadvantage of not being with his friends would be quickly forgotten once he had settled in, but the benefit of being at a school which suits him better (and where he won't be able to coast academically) will last. I also quite like the idea of him having a fresh start with new people as he's been at school with the same crowd since he was 3.

He thinks that School A is a good school (and it is) and so why can't he go there and be with his friends?

I'm also worried that, if I choose for him, he'll go to School B with the wrong attitude. Gargh.

I recently had to decide between 2 schools for my son . Different because he does have additional needs . However we went to open days st both. Although the school we didn’t chose had some advantages over the one we chose ultimately he was happy to go to the other school , that’s where his friends are and I actually do see him fitting in better there.

We did lists of what we did and didn’t like at both.

Ultimately if his needs couldn’t of been met at first choice he would of gone to second.

My point is there are more than grades, does he make friends easily, where does he fit best , would he be disheartened not been top of the class.

I am a great believer in happy kids learn best

I was in a similar position (a million years ago). I wanted school A with my friends, my parents wanted school B. Mum made an appointment with my primary head teacher and he essentially said “X will do well wherever you send her” and so they agreed to let me go to school A. With the benefit of many years I would now say that they were wrong - I coasted at school A, I was the top there achedemically but not the top once I went into the real world. Friendship groups changed when I went from my 200 pupil primary to the 2000 strong secondary and I was unpopular despite it being the school that my friends went to. I would undoubtedly have benefitted from the more challenging school HOWEVER I got good results, went to a good university and got an excellent degree and accomplished first job so I would hardly say that it ruined my life!

We've also been through this, and ultimately let DS chose school A.

But...

1. DS always had issues with transition, and I was very conscious that starting with friends was important to him;

1. He is prone to stressing if he's not top. Better for him that he is a big fish etc. Academically, he's in the top handful of children in the year, but flying (I suspect his targets GCSE grades will all be 8's from what I was told at year 9 parents' evening).

I've actively encouraged his brother to go to school B, because it's a better fit for him.

You decide, but your ds has to be on board with it.

I've got a similar dilemma coming up however school 1 is failing, poor results, awful behaviour, bad reputation but is the local school and dd wants to go there (not happening ) school 2 is a bus ride away the rd will be only 1 or 2 from her class going but is an excellent school, good gcse results and a lovely place. She will be going to school 2 however I'm using the next year to gently show her why choosing the school your mates are going isng necessarily best in the long run.

I chosefor my daughter, a much better school but none of her friends went there. Long and short of it, she’s leaving this year with minimal qualifications as she hated it and stopped going. If I could go back I’d let her go with her friends in a heartbeat.

My parents let me decide in a similar situation. I was older though (sixth form age).

Ill try and keep this long story brief, but i was that child.

I was considered a child prodigy and could have been sent off to a "good school". I've been told my mother was in tears over the decision to send me away in case I thought she didn't love me or keep me in a local school.

I went to a Saturday school for "exceptional students" and my dad wouldn't take me back after week one in case I turned out like the others there.

I breezed through both primary and secondary (I was doing 12yo Maths and English at 5 and was GCSE standard before leaving primary - this may seem like a boast, but read on and you'll see it's not).
Suddenly I'm at university and I have to work and I don't know how. I've never had to do it before. I went to 6th form at my secondary school so I knew everyone and everything. I'm completely out of my comfort zone and I drop out.

At 20, the little boy who's mother was so upset about losing is working with her in a call centre.

At 40, she's long passed but I'm finally successful and hard working and I know she'd be proud of me, but I couldn't make her proud when she was alive.

I'm not telling you what to do (I'm not a parent myself), but as that child, who knows what I could have been if I'd been pushed instead of being able to coast for my entire school career. I'd let him be challenged and see what he can be. Don't let him be like I turned out to be.

The trouble is just because you say the school is exceptional doesn't mean your son will thrive there.

Be honest with yourself what is the reason for wanting him to go to school B, bragging rights or cheaper fees perhaps? If both schools are good what do you stand to gain by sending him to the second school. Do they have better facilities for a sport he's keen on or more experiences for him academically? If not then why would it be a better choice when you know he will still achieve well in school A.

YOU choose.

Yeah, my mum and dad let me choose between the local school and selective grammar school. I was 13 and thought I knew best, so I went to the local school. Let's just say it was the wrong choice, especially considering I was pretty academic.

We moved house when I was yr 7. We moved from city with first/middle schools to a village/town with infant/juniors.

Therefore I had to move to secondary. We looked at village and town school (both equal distance from home).

My mum asked me my opinion - I liked the one she did! She really wasn't keen on other school and suspect she'd have pulled rank if needed. I certainly went to the better school for me so think if she had it would have been best anyway as she knows me well!

I let both my children decide - I would have preferred DD2 to go to DD1's school but she was right in her choice and I would have been wrong.
One thing you haven't mention is their location - are they equidistant from your home? Both equally accessible via pubic transport? These factors are very important too.

I would take his views into account if they are both very good schools.
My daughter wanted to go to another school and I felt that it would be better to go to a smaller better performing school so she went to the one I chose for her.
Although she has been very happy and made lots of friends, academically by the time she got to year 10 the school had changed both in terms of headmaster and teaching. It is now below the school that she initially chose.
Fortunately she is doing ok, she is a very good natured girl but has never been pushed to challenge her ability and I now have look at arrranging private tuition as I don’t want to move her due to her being so settled socially.

DC1- we all agreed
DC2 - we didn't agree, both good schools, I decided the plus point of DC being enthusiastic about their first choice was a bigger difference than the difference between the two schools and so let DC have their first choice.

The trouble is just because you say the school is exceptional doesn't mean your son will thrive there

Agree with this. Natural ability of the child, their work ethic and support from home are the main indicators of how a child will succeed academically

Bottom line - if push comes to shove, parent chooses, and some children age 12 are more mature than others, but a child of his age is old enough to have a view and it's very powerful for a child to feel that their views have been given proper weight

Anecdotally, my friend sent her daughter to the best performing local secondary, rather than the school her friends went to. She has changed from a confident, popular, very happy child, to frankly a nervous wreck, real issues with bullying, shadow of her primary school self. She cried every day for the first year. Academically she is doing well, but socially she is not.

Appreciate that is an extreme case, but it depends whether you can convince your ds to your decision. If you're throwing him in somewhere he's not invested in, it's not good.

Someone I know was in ectactly the same position. His parents chose school B. He was very happy there and in hindsight he credits his parents' choice as the reason for his success in life.

My parents actually made this choice - they moved me to a private school when primary finished, I wanted to move to state school with my friends.
I hated the private school and a year later moved to a different state school which I got on better in.

That said, I was a quiet and painfully shy kid so the smaller class sizes didn't suit me as the attention was on me a lot more and with only 5 girls in the class it was very cliquey.

Ultimately the decision is the parents but please do bare in mind his feelings - don't make him think his opinions and feelings aren't worth anything (which is what I thought).

And also - if he's happy then he's likely to study harder surely?
If the first school is good then he can do well there still.

Very tricky. It sounds as if your DS would still find the work at School B easily within his abilities, even if he weren't the 'top of the class'. He may also find it more interesting than the work at School A. And I do see your point about children who have been together since they were three (I moved one of mine at 11 for this reason - it's lovely in some ways, but also quite claustrophobic and insular in others, and branching out a bit has some advantages).

I have RTFT, but can't see anywhere whether your DS has had a taster day at both schools? (Apologies if I have missed this earlier in the thread). One of mine was desperate to go to a particular school. She had a taster there, and came back more or less saying "meh". I'm not sure whether she was more surprised or we were.

We had this a couple of years ago with DD. 3 private schools, all selective, very good, but one was exceptionally hard to get into so she didn’t know anyone going there.

We decided by doing visits, she was quite clear from the off that she didn’t think she’d fit into the more competitive entry school, the others seemed more balanced, less serious, friendly.

She has settled very well at one of the less competitive schools, although is in the top few achieving children in year, getting all 9s and 8s, she has enough competition- they all want to do well, are pushed hard but also having fun. Most importantly she is happy. I suspect she would have been ok at the other school but she was so certain she’d hate it. I also felt I’d sat her for all 3, so I should be happy with her going to any of them.

(As an aside I don't really believe any school teaches anything vastly different to the next. Maths is maths is maths.)

I wanted to go to the school my friends went to. My parents relented and at 13 made me go to the original school they wanted me to go to. I hated them for it when I was 13, but it's got me where I am now and I am so thankful to them. My closest friends are also from that school, not the one I wanted to stay at. I say go with your gut.

Well, you know your son - you should have some idea of which school would be the better fit for him.

Ultimately, no-one has a crystal ball; neither you nor your ds will know how things will turn out at either school. He may well be unhappy for various reasons at either, who knows? If moving is an option that is open to him if it doesn't work out, it makes the decision a slighter easier one.

If his friendships are strong they could well survive a change of school plus the added bonus of new friends.

@TheNoodlesIncident - good point. My DS knew nobody at his school at 13. He now has new friends but also loves reconnecting with his old mates during the hols!