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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who choses a 13yo's school (parent or child)?

148 replies

Marcellus · 11/04/2018 16:56

DS is 12. He'll be moving school next year (as will all his friends- he's at a prep school) and has two options.

School A: a good school with great facilities. He would be very near the top academically there. This is where most of his friends are going. It has a nice atmosphere and is generally a decent option.

School B: a really exceptional school. It is more academic so he would have to work harder to be near the top (although he certainly wouldn't struggle there). I think the ethos and atmosphere of the school would suit him brilliantly. None of his friends are going there (although he'd be starting at the school's main entry point, so most of the other boys will be new too).

He wants to go to School A and I want him to go to School B. I'd be grateful for people's views on who should ultimately decide? (Or rather, I think I should ultimately decide, but how much should my decision be based on my views rather than his?)

To me, School B would be a much better choice. The disadvantage of not being with his friends would be quickly forgotten once he had settled in, but the benefit of being at a school which suits him better (and where he won't be able to coast academically) will last. I also quite like the idea of him having a fresh start with new people as he's been at school with the same crowd since he was 3.

He thinks that School A is a good school (and it is) and so why can't he go there and be with his friends?

I'm also worried that, if I choose for him, he'll go to School B with the wrong attitude. Gargh.

OP posts:

turnipfarmers · 12/04/2018 17:55

Firstly the friendship groups will change anyway,

Not necessarily, my DS had a good group of like minded friends and they are all still friends after two years in high school.

Ilovemalteaserbunnies · 12/04/2018 17:59

Parents. My husband's parents let my husband choose the local comp - which was fine but didn't stretch him. He could've gone to a really good school and he is very academic (he has a first in maths and a masters) . He was not driven at all at school and didn't do particularly well at GCSE or A level. Even he says he wishes they'd put their foot down as he probably would have enjoyed school a lot more and felt challenged.

Y10Parent · 12/04/2018 18:55

DD2 is at the top of her year by miles. Should get 9s and 8s. Taken school until Y11 to realise her true potential and is finally being challenged and given the stimulus she needs because they are desperate for her to improve their stats.

She is moving for 6th form as we want her in a school where she is challenged by her peers.

Choose the school that you feel will recognise his potential and stretch him to reach that potential.

yoyo1234 · 12/04/2018 19:35

We let DS choose at secondary school entry aged 11. They spend s lot of time at school so I think they deserve an input.

perfectstorm · 12/04/2018 20:43

If you search on Google Scholar for "small pond big fish academic results" you should find a slew of them, all indicating that people do better if seen as one of the brightest of their group. Builds confidence and allows them to try harder and believe in themselves.

If he can still do this at the academic school, then yes, that would help. If he'd just be an also-ran, then I would think it would suit him best to be somewhere where he's seen as the bees knees in learning terms.

It's not an advantage, academically, being somewhere where you aren't going to be near the top of the cohort. It's the opposite. He needs to be somewhere where you can feel confident that he'll be say top quartile, from everything I've read. Confidence is important.

The friendship stuff is hard to quantify; depends on how easily he makes friends, and how valuable the wider bonds of these friends are (do you like the other families? Is it part of a network of wider support for you all? That sort of thing).

perfectstorm · 12/04/2018 20:45

Disclaimer: it's been years since I looked at the research, and it may have been absolutely confounded since. But it was notable, when I did, that it was better for people to go somewhere less academic, if it meant they would be seen as very clever. It encouraged them to work harder and to have faith in themselves.

gillybeanz · 12/04/2018 22:20

Your decision but listen to him.
I don't think it makes a jot where friends go, they aren't your child.
I'm not in touch with anyone I went to primary with, we're in different counties. My dd attends a school in another county and doesn't see anyone from primary either.

WaitingForEgg · 12/04/2018 23:06

I am biased from personal experience. I had a fairly similar choice at 11. I wanted the school my friends went to, I had the option of a high achieving grammar. My mum let me choose and I went to the local school. No one can know for sure what would have happened had she pushed me to the other school. But going to a school where I was at the top wasn't good for me. I was lazy, coasted and needed to put very little effort in. I created bad habits. I definitely wouldn't make that choice for my own daughter now

RichW1982 · 13/04/2018 09:40

i had something similar with my daughter. I asked my daughter to chose where she wanted to go but she had to give me a valid reason on why she had made the choice she did. Out of the 3 schools that she could chose she chose the one i was happy with and gave me her reasons for wanting to go their instead of the other schools.

if you make the decision for your child and they don't like or are unhappy with the school they may find things harder. if they have had a part in the decision making process and have a legitimate reason to chose one over the other they will accept the choice a lot better.

Hillarious · 13/04/2018 10:17

My friend's son got a music scholarship to a very good private school, to start in Year 7. By October half-term he was at the local comprehensive with his friends. He'd been so miserable at the private school.

For me, the most important aspect of my children's schooling has been the position of the school in the local community. We mix with families from various backgrounds who bring a lot to the school in many ways. I like the fact that their friends live locally, and I'm not the taxi service some of my friends living elsewhere have become.

It's not like the OP's son is choosing between a bad school where his friends are going, and an excellent school. It sounds like he'd do well at both. It's not a choice between grades and happiness.

BarbarianMum · 13/04/2018 10:36

That's not really giving the new school much of a chance though is it? My ds1 was pretty miserable at his new school in October last year (again went to diff school from friends). Giot better bw Oct and Christmas and been perfectly happy w new friendships since Jan (still sees old friends at weekends).

QuizzlyBear · 13/04/2018 10:49

My DS1 wanted to go to the local comp with all his friends but since we're a 'blended culture' family we had the opportunity to get him into an international school. We sent him (only slightly against his wishes) there and he has blossomed - partly because he's been forced to make a new set of friends and partly because of the school's ethos. We live in a very white, middle class area and wanted him to see that there was more to the world! My DS2 has his heart set on a renowned grammar school, worked his socks off and was accepted last month. He's thrilled though he's the only one from his school going there too! IMO it's not about the 'best' school, it's about which school is the best fit for the child.

LucheroTena · 13/04/2018 11:19

I imagine as op’s boy is at a prep with 2 options, with the less academic one being where most of his prep friends are going. It’s safe to assume her choice is between 2 private schools and not academic private school vs comp.

JacquesHammer · 13/04/2018 12:08

My DD has just chosen her secondary school. We were absolutely sure she would make the decision for the right reasons.

We of course talked the pros and cons of each school with her but the order on the form was her choice

JacquesHammer · 13/04/2018 12:09

Our choice was two state co-ed, one state single sex grammar, one co-ed private school, one single sex private school

marymoosmum · 13/04/2018 12:14

It is your choice but his views are important. Not RTFT so if I ask a question that has been answered I apologise. Has he been to look around both schools? Try sittinghim down and ask him to judge the schools not based on his friends, so would he still want to go to school A if all his friends were at school B? Other than his friends being there what other things does he prefer about school A or is it just that his friends are there?

GrasswillbeGreener · 13/04/2018 12:53

My sister and I both had a large input into the schools we went to at 11 - private schools on scholarships (sister didn't want to go to the same school as me; and they didn't normally offer a 2nd scholarship to the same family as they didn't have many). I remember as I got older realising how unusually lucky we were amongst our peer group to have had a real say in the choice. (non-UK)

As a result of this, I was keen for both my own children to have a proper say in where they went for senior school, especially as both ended up in preps so changing for 13 as with the OP. Daughter - we looked at quite a few schools and continued with a shortlist of 2 right up to entrance exams, the final choice came down to her preference, though we would have steered her elsewhere if we hadn't been happy with what we were seeing there.

For our son, same age as yours, it's been a lot harder. The majority of the many schools that his prep send to, had pretests, and at the age of 10 he wasn't ready to think about what do I want in 3 years' time. The school that is now our 1st choice, we didn't prepare him for interview nearly well enough in part because I wanted him to be able to decide he wanted to go there, not tell us he did because we were telling him to like it, if you know what I mean! It is only because scholarship entry has proved an option that we have ended up with choices. I do feel though that my son now has ownership of these choices (which now come down to whether school 1 offers him an academic scholarship in a couple of weeks, or else we happily accept school 2 which extended their acceptance deadline). For him I am hoping for school 1 as I think he will find his peer group there more readily, but either way will be fine. He's in a small school at the moment and won't know anyone in his new school either way - we've now turned down our backup option where about half his class are going.

OP - I'm really not sure what I would be doing in your position. More school visits to your preference, I think, to really try to work out jointly how your son would fit there. "Fit" was a big factor in my daughter's choice, and it was interesting that the single-sex strongly academic schools didn't feel right to her; the school she has ended up at do seem to be doing a good job with their academic top end which is firmly where she is. Good luck with the final decisions.

AnnaHindrer · 13/04/2018 15:09

It’s a shame OP hasn’t been back to answer the question of boarding or day. Personally I’m leaning much more towards school B. Forget about the friends aspect, he’ll meet new friends at the new school and everyone will be new. He can also meet up with all his old friends during the hols and with social media they’re always online to each other anyway. If school B is one of the top public schools I’m thinking of, it’s a complete no brainer. Except if school A is a day school and therein lies the dilemma, to board or not to?

Also, what are his extra curriculars? Is he sporty, musical, arty? Which school supports his extra curricular’s best.

Hillarious · 13/04/2018 15:59

BarbarianMum - but just think how utterly miserable my friend's son was that his very sensible parents felt it necessary to give up a funded place at a private school so he could go to the local comp.

perfectstorm · 13/04/2018 23:58

Quite. OP gave two options, both sounding good schools, but one sounding exceptionally academic (and therefore pressured, in all likelihood). Somehow, that's been translated into top independent, or sink comp. Which is a completely different question, and on more than one basis.

BarbarianMum · 14/04/2018 10:24

And what was the cause if so much misery Hillarious? Was he being beaten? Bullied? I would never say "never move a child" but it's hard to inagine what could reasonably cause such misery with no hope of turning things round so quickly.

Oakmaiden · 14/04/2018 10:32

My daughter chose. There were two schools locally - both very good. One more academic than the other. Knowing my daughter, I was confident she would achieve equally well in either school - that being the case the differences are mostly in facilities and in the people. She knew what the facilities are, she knew which of her friends were going where - so I let her choose.

If you think your child will do well in either school, then let him choose. If you think he will do better in one than the other then you choose. But think about your child's own abilities and aptitudes. Don't just say "X is an excellent school and therefore will suit him better" because that might not be the case.

hibbledibble · 14/04/2018 10:51

Op I would let him choose.

Both are good schools, and from the sounds of it he will do well at either one.

I have personal experience of going to a school which sat in the top 10 in the country academically. It had excellent results, but achieved this in a rather dubious fashion. This included hothousing, and asking anyone whose results were not likely to be good, to leave. Pastoral care was non-existent, as all they cared about was academic results. It's also quite easy for a sought after school to get good results, as they choose the brightest children via entrance exams.

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