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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is taking the piss a bit?

137 replies

BasinHaircut · 10/04/2018 20:24

We seem to have acquired a regular house guest through circumstance. Family member needs/wants to be local a couple of days a week, they live about an hour away. Should have been fairly short term (several weeks, maybe a couple of months) but seems to have turned into a more permanent arrangement.

Whilst in theory I don’t really have an issue with someone crashing one night a week on a short/medium term basis, what I object to is that they are now turning up with about an hour’s notice, on random days of the week, at any time between 4-9pm.

Both DH and I work and have a 4yo DS and this isn’t always convenient or sometimes you just don’t want company (long day etc).

When they stay it’s on the sofa, in the lounge, so we basically have to go to bed early. they want dinner. I meal plan and often it’s a ball ache trying to sort out dinner because what we might be having that day isn’t always possible to stretch out to an extra portion.

AIBU to point out that this isn’t a hotel? That we need to know in advance when they are coming? E.g date and rough times. That it’s just not really convenient for it to be every week for an unspecified length of time? And most importantly that they need to actually ASK.

I’m not always the most sociable person TBH and sometimes you just want to veg out on your own sofa and not talk to anyone. But at the moment I’m feeling a bit like my personal space has been invaded and like my downtime has been violated. DH says chill out, it’s bit going to be forever, but I just feel like they are taking the royal piss by assuming they can just stay with no prior agreement/arrangement.

OP posts:
dudsville · 10/04/2018 20:25

It may be taking the piss, but it may be that this person doesn't know it bothers you. Either way, tell them how you will be changing things.

formerbabe · 10/04/2018 20:26

That would drive me mad! You definitely need to say something.. hopefully another poster will be able to word something appropriate for you as I'd have no idea how to tell them!

letsdolunch321 · 10/04/2018 20:28

DH says it won’t be forever ......

Unless you say something regards them coming over when they please they will NOT realise it is causing a situation.

It would pee me off greatly if someone just appeared with no prior warning.

HolyMountain · 10/04/2018 20:28

I’d be well miffed, I’d be starting to talk about bringing the arrangement to an end to be honest.

Pinkvoid · 10/04/2018 20:28

You need to tell them. I don’t understand how they have the cheek to do it tbh, I’d feel bad imposing on someone even for one night! Yanbu at all, defoes takes the piss.

Badwifey · 10/04/2018 20:31

I think it would begin to piss me off too. Tell them that if they insist on turning up whenever they feel like you cannot feed them and so if they would like dinner then they must let you know a couple of days in advance so you can plan ahead.

You need to ask how long they think this arrangement will continue. It's unfair to put you out long term. If it's going to turn into a long term arrangement I'd nearly be looking for rent!!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/04/2018 20:31

Urgh I wouldn't really like this. Who is it? I'm guessing someone on your husbands side?

OhHolyJesus · 10/04/2018 20:31

An hour away really isn't that far. The fact you don't have a spare room so using the sofa and it impacting your evening or living room space is crazy.

You need notice and should also say no, you might be out or have plans. Pretty CF to just expect to TBH.

Iloveacurry · 10/04/2018 20:33

I hate this too. They only live an hour away, why do they need to stay?

Kissthealderman · 10/04/2018 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TERFragetteCity · 10/04/2018 20:34

Whose family member? Yours or his?

Personally I couldn't have done that for more than a couple of times, i am notoriously unhappy at having space invaders and my evenings in my jamas with the sofa are precious.

Springtrolls · 10/04/2018 20:34

Phone with an hours notice
Nope doesn’t work for us. Every single time.

Then give them a months notice to sort something else out.
Look we are happy to see you blah blah blah. But this was supposed to be a short term thing and several months later here we still are.

BasinHaircut · 10/04/2018 20:35

Full disclosure, it’s MIL. So it’s badged as ‘coming to see us’ too rather than just staying over.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 10/04/2018 20:35

Just seen they stay on the sofa. Just say sorry it’s not working for you!

Flupi · 10/04/2018 20:35

Bit of a cheek. You’re very good and patient to put up with it, I wouldn’t. Does he contribute to the food, buy you a gift as a Thankyou? He needs to. Set some boundaries and tell him that if it is to continue, if you are happy for it to continue then you need to know in advance when he’s coming and could he contribute to the food preparation, food bill, shower bill etc.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 10/04/2018 20:38

Ooh MIL. That’s rather more awkward then. Might be tricky to say no, but I think not at all unreasonable to ask her to let you know her “plans for the week”.

Yumyumpigs · 10/04/2018 20:38

Lol next time she comes hide and dont answer the door . She'll give you notice next time!

StealthPolarBear · 10/04/2018 20:38

I'd hate this. However... Playing devil's advocate we lived with mil (and also with my parents) for a while and I was expected to treat their house as my own. And so if mil wanted to do this I'd grin and bear it.

Springtrolls · 10/04/2018 20:38

I would still say it doesn't work. Because realistically it doesn't. If he insists its all fine leave them to it every time and go see mates, go cinema, whatever you want to do.

MrsSiba · 10/04/2018 20:39

Ugh I would nip this in the bus sharpest.

And make sure you do not get talked into giving a key on the basis that they can let themselves in thus doing you a 'favour'.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/04/2018 20:39

What's she doing that means she needs to stay? How long realistically will it be?

Not sure how you can stop this now though without actually saying she can't stay.

Has the spring gone on your sofa Wink Grin

AmericanBiscuit · 10/04/2018 20:39

No no NO. I'd hate that, no matter who it was! It's bang out of order to just show up and expect hospitality. I genuinely don't understand how anyone thinks this sort of thing is acceptable.

JustMarriedBecca · 10/04/2018 20:39

Awkward if it's MIL. Can you make the most of her being there and go out just you and DH?
If it's MIL then you can't really charge for food. I'd say it's not convienent every week but once a fortnight is fine. Whatever you are happy with.

MrsSiba · 10/04/2018 20:39

Bud

Sharpish

Flippin phone

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2018 20:41

That sounds horrendous.

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