To think this is taking the piss a bit?

[BasinHaircut]

We seem to have acquired a regular house guest through circumstance. Family member needs/wants to be local a couple of days a week, they live about an hour away. Should have been fairly short term (several weeks, maybe a couple of months) but seems to have turned into a more permanent arrangement.

Whilst in theory I don’t really have an issue with someone crashing one night a week on a short/medium term basis, what I object to is that they are now turning up with about an hour’s notice, on random days of the week, at any time between 4-9pm.

Both DH and I work and have a 4yo DS and this isn’t always convenient or sometimes you just don’t want company (long day etc).

When they stay it’s on the sofa, in the lounge, so we basically have to go to bed early. they want dinner. I meal plan and often it’s a ball ache trying to sort out dinner because what we might be having that day isn’t always possible to stretch out to an extra portion.

AIBU to point out that this isn’t a hotel? That we need to know in advance when they are coming? E.g date and rough times. That it’s just not really convenient for it to be every week for an unspecified length of time? And most importantly that they need to actually ASK.

I’m not always the most sociable person TBH and sometimes you just want to veg out on your own sofa and not talk to anyone. But at the moment I’m feeling a bit like my personal space has been invaded and like my downtime has been violated. DH says chill out, it’s bit going to be forever, but I just feel like they are taking the royal piss by assuming they can just stay with no prior agreement/arrangement.

Greet her at the door with “I’m glad you’re here, I’m not feeling too well. Can you please get the meal and put DS to bed, while I put my feet up, have an early night. Leave her to worry about how to make the food stretch etc.
Or else just tell her you need adequate notice.
Ask her how much longer it is going to take at regular intervals so she knows you have your eye on the calendar

Does he work shift work?
If so ask for a copy of his shift pattern and check what days he will be coming over. If he objects gently explain that it can be unsettling for your child and direct him to the Premier Inn.

Because you like her, And because this won't go on forever, I think you need to think/identify exactly what your biggest irritant is, and deal with that in isolation.

So if it's the meal thing, say "you'll need to get yourself a takeaway or bring your own supper when we don't know you'll be coming"

If it's just turning up, say that.

If it's vacating the sofa, say that.

Work out you biggest issue and tackle it.

Then think about dealing with the next one....

OP, if you don't say anything, this could go on indefinitely. There is a specific reason she drops by now, but, once this has finished, she might still find that she enjoys it so much, (and it doesn't seem to bother you), and continues.

When you answer the door, or she appears in your house can you just say "oh mil, I'm afraid we only have enough supper for us two today, if you'd let us know you wanted to come, I'd have got extra", which might give her enough of a hint.

Just to answer the key thing, on a ‘normal’ week (before this all started) she would occasionally pick DS up from school, bring him home and give him dinner etc, before we get home from work. This is on days he would ordinarily be at the childminder so not providing childcare for our convenience but just to spend time with him.

You are all right, I need to speak to her. I’m going to try to do it this morning if I can find a way to do it without sounding too irritated. Otherwise it’s going to have to be DH.

It was gone 8pm when she rocked up last night so it’s not so she can spend time with DS. On a normal week we’d have all been up and out by 7:30 this morning too so she wouldn’t have really seen him at all.

Just seen you said it’s your mil. Bit different. Treading on egg shells there. Why on earth does she want to sleep on a sofa and why doesn’t she bring a casssrole or something?

Either get a sofa too short to let anyone sleep on it, or ask them "When are you next here?"

And don't feed them when you've not got enough. Tell them where the chippy is.

Invite someone else to stay for a week, then when she turns up be all innocent " Oh but Tom is sleeping on the sofa this week, you'll have to stay in the hotel, if you'd told us a couple of weeks ago..."
-that'll break the cycle

I would start having really loud sex overhead. She might find that that is a step too far.

Oh dear you are buggered in so many ways. Hmmm that is a tough one. Have you spoken to hubby see if he might be able to reason with her?

You need to tell them how you feel x

She may well be lovely in many ways, but she certainly isn't in this instance! Turning up randomly expecting people to put you up, feed you without notice and upend their living room every week is anything but lovely.
It's bloody rude.

I couldn't stand this, no matter who it was or how much I liked them.

I'm really surprised at all the posters saying "it would be a shame" or "mean" to curtail her visits and "how nice that she wants to spend time with you". The woman is blatantly taking advantage! If someone let's themselves into your house as and when they please and stays for at least a couple of nights a week, every single week, they're not just "visiting", they've basically invited themselves to live with you part time!

Having an overnight guest who turns up unannounced every week to stay for a completely unspecified amount of time, who expects to be fed with no notice, prevents you from using your living room and dictates when you go to bed isn't a normal way for a family to live and MIL must realise this. Either she is completely oblivious to the needs and feelings of others or she knows she's being a CF but doesn't care.

I would sit your DH down and explain that the current arrangement (well, not really an arrangement as you never actually agreed to this!) is causing you stress and actually making you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Tell him that you love his Mother and don't want to stop her from visiting, but that every week is too much and she needs to let you know in advance when she'll be coming, especially if she expects to be fed. Ask him whether he wants to tell her himself or if he would prefer you to do it but make it very clear that one way or another she has to be told.

I just don't understand the dinner thing . I - like most people I would imagine- buy and cook based on the number of people in the normal household to reduce leftovers and wastage.
I'd be really hard-pressed to stretch most of our meals out to an extra portion. Obviously if I knew at least a day in advance it would be fine - we usually have breaded fish portions or similar in the freezer.
it's beyond odd that your MIL thinks you can provide food with no advance warning and weirder still that no one has thought to ask even for a day or sos advance notice of when she's coming.

I'd just tell her you need a few days notice each time to sort out food etc.

If she has a problem with that then she'll have to stay in a hotel in future.

You could maybe start leaping to your feet when she arrives and saying ‘oh great we fancied going out, there’s a ready meal in the freezer, help yourself’ and then both leg it to the pub. She’ll soon get bored of that.

When you have the talk, ask her "So how long is this thing going to on for, I thought it was only a month or so, and it seems to be lasting forever" When she starts to appologise, say "Oh no I was just curious" It's plant a seed that she needs to wrap up the thing that brings her to visit.
So did you get to talk to her this morning?

Annoying - especially meal planning- I do this too btw! I’d just have a chat with your hubby and ask him to speak to his mother- I think notice is fair enough

I think this is quite fixable but you do have to deal with it before you become really annoyed and resentful.

I think you need to explain you're finding the arrangement rather stressful (food planning, chilling etc) so please can she let you know the previous week when she'd like to come the following week so you can confirm if it suits. That way you are still being generous but planting the seed that you have to work around her. You may be so good at making her feel welcome she has no idea you're getting stressed so this gives you both a chance to reconsider arrangement.

We are trying for grandchild number 2. Dropping in unplanned is kinds ruining the mood.

My mil took a job which meant she had to drive 40 mins to get to, and asked me if she could sleep on our sofa from Monday night to Friday morning, so basically all week, “I don’t mind sleeping on the sofa “ says she, well I bloody do, so I said no way,. Your mil needs to get place closer, not dump her self on you.

I'd invent a friend who needs the sofa. So next time she comes round unannounced I'd say "Oh gosh, I wish we'd known you were coming then we could have warned you. My friend X is staying on the sofa tonight"

You probably only need that to happen once for her to start letting you know in advance.

Oh and if she turns up unannounced for tea, give her your DH's portion. Bet he'd say something if he was going hungry!

It's lovely that you get on so well. I wouldn't want to upset my MIL or my relationship with her in that situation.
Having said that, I agree with other posters that this needs addressing, especially if it's potentially going to go on another few months. This could easily breed resentment and cause arguments in the future..

Perhaps keep frozen Tesco value meals in. If you are giving her the red carpet treatment every time she rocks up, this isn't helping. As it will cause resentment for you and she will continue to think nothing's wrong.

I would definitely have a conversation with MIL and come up with a plan together. If she's a reasonable lady I'm sure she will understand.

If the sofa is directly under your bed, have sex really loud every time she is at your house... you’ll probably find she won’t like staying so much!