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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is taking the piss a bit?

137 replies

BasinHaircut · 10/04/2018 20:24

We seem to have acquired a regular house guest through circumstance. Family member needs/wants to be local a couple of days a week, they live about an hour away. Should have been fairly short term (several weeks, maybe a couple of months) but seems to have turned into a more permanent arrangement.

Whilst in theory I don’t really have an issue with someone crashing one night a week on a short/medium term basis, what I object to is that they are now turning up with about an hour’s notice, on random days of the week, at any time between 4-9pm.

Both DH and I work and have a 4yo DS and this isn’t always convenient or sometimes you just don’t want company (long day etc).

When they stay it’s on the sofa, in the lounge, so we basically have to go to bed early. they want dinner. I meal plan and often it’s a ball ache trying to sort out dinner because what we might be having that day isn’t always possible to stretch out to an extra portion.

AIBU to point out that this isn’t a hotel? That we need to know in advance when they are coming? E.g date and rough times. That it’s just not really convenient for it to be every week for an unspecified length of time? And most importantly that they need to actually ASK.

I’m not always the most sociable person TBH and sometimes you just want to veg out on your own sofa and not talk to anyone. But at the moment I’m feeling a bit like my personal space has been invaded and like my downtime has been violated. DH says chill out, it’s bit going to be forever, but I just feel like they are taking the royal piss by assuming they can just stay with no prior agreement/arrangement.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 10/04/2018 20:43

Oh I'd hate that, bit awkward though that's its your MIL

BasinHaircut · 10/04/2018 20:45

She has a key!

It’s not the staying on a regular basis that is an issue, but every week, on an unspecified day, with little or no notice is just exactly like a PP said, she is treating the place as her own. It’s not! It’s my home and I want to be able to shut the door at night and relax. I want to know if I have a shitty day at work I can go home and chill and eat what I’ve planned etc. Not have to then mess around sorting out a different dinner, and then share my sofa or go to bed if I want to stretch out and zone out.

I’m on annual leave this week and she had turned up tonight so it’s not just tonight but I’ll have her in the morning when I’d planned a nice relaxing morning on the sofa catching up on Eastenders. It’s my holiday!!!

OP posts:
Kissthealderman · 10/04/2018 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WatchoutDSisdriving · 10/04/2018 20:45

YANBU, I would absolutely hate that.

HolyMountain · 10/04/2018 20:46

Ooh that makes things awkward then.

I think your Dh could tell her her unexpected arrival on any day of the week is inconsiderate and you’d appreciate a set day and notice.

Why does she stay over?

Springtrolls · 10/04/2018 20:52

Aw such a shame you have lost the keys.

I cannot think of any logical reason why she has to stay over so often. An hour away is nothing.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 10/04/2018 20:55

No way would I cope with this.
I can barely tolerate people I've actually invited for more than a day or so....

Aprilmightmemynewname · 10/04/2018 20:55

Google an air B&B close to you and tell them it has great reviews as unfortunately the arrangements aren't working for you anymore.

Andylion · 10/04/2018 20:57

Your DH says it won't be forever, but how long is it going to go on for? Why does she need to stay over and when will this change? I'd hate it for someone to tell me to "chill out" in my own fucking home.

BasinHaircut · 10/04/2018 20:58

I don’t want to say why she is staying because it would be quite identifying I think, but it is for something that should have been over by now but isn’t because of basically too much faffing around and not getting on with it.

She isn’t in a rush as she is retired and probably having quite a nice time, but it’s so imposing and I agree she only lives an hour away and it takes her 30 mins to get from our house to where she needs to be anyway so she could just go home.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 10/04/2018 20:58

Your DH Needs to put a stop to this. It's not reasonable at all.

halfwitpicker · 10/04/2018 20:59

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Change the locks?!

expatinscotland · 10/04/2018 20:59

The expecting dinner would be OVER. Can't believe she doesn't put her hand in her pocket to treat you all. 'Sorry, we're on a budget and have to meal plan. This is what we're having.' Send her out for some shopping/messages rather than just putting up with her. The sofa thing, get a lilo and put it on the floor in DS's room. 'I prefer the sofa.' 'Sorry, but that doesn't work for us. We're not ready to go to bed yet.'

shortsaint · 10/04/2018 20:59

This happened to me with a family member too. After going on for a good few weeks It got to Christmas time. So I started discussing nominal weekly costs going into the new year. It soon stopped ...

Monkeypuzzle32 · 10/04/2018 21:00

I was going to suggest replying casually 'oh you cant come over tonight, we've got friends around' but as its MIL its definitely more difficult! Your DH needs to have a word.

Gemini69 · 10/04/2018 21:00

this is NOT on atall.. on any level... take the key back Flowers

GabriellaMontez · 10/04/2018 21:01

No way! I'd give him a couple of weeks to end this. He'd rather upset you than her.

bimbobaggins · 10/04/2018 21:04

Yabu to think this is taking the piss a “bit”.its massively taking the piss and I’d have nipped this in the bud after the first couple of times.
I wonder if your dh would be as accommodating if it was your mother

BasinHaircut · 10/04/2018 21:05

Just to say, if I said to DH that it had to stop he would tell her, but he would probably upset her as he is quite blunt.

She is lovely and we get on etc but I didn’t sign up to live with her on even a part time basis. I would feel the same if it was my own mum and I would have told her by now.

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 10/04/2018 21:07

Just get him to tell her then, blunt or not you want it to stop

UnRavellingFast · 10/04/2018 21:08

Could you offer her your bed and you sleep on sofa?! That way dh gets no nookie until he sorts it out haha (joke)

BasinHaircut · 10/04/2018 21:10

The sofa is directly under our bed so that’s already the case!

I can’t upset her, I really do like her. She can stay over, it’s nice sometimes, but it’s the dropping in like a hotel and also the frequency that’s the issue!

OP posts:
HolyMountain · 10/04/2018 21:11

He needs to tell her, blunt or not.

She might be lovely but she clearly doesn’t mind inconveniencing you and Dh for her own benefit.

emsyj37 · 10/04/2018 21:11

I would buy half a dozen ready meals and throw them in the freezer so when she shows up at short notice you can offer her one of them. Is there nowhere you could set up a blow up bed that's not in your way?? Then you can go to bed when you please and so can she.
I do think it's a bit mean to stop her coming - if it isn't a permanent arrangement and she wants to come. Does she live alone? Is it just an excuse to have some company?

Andylion · 10/04/2018 21:12

But, if it's her own son being blunt, how hurtful would it be? She must know what he's like. It's not like a stranger being blunt. OP, you could tell how to phrase it.