To think this is taking the piss a bit?

[BasinHaircut]

We seem to have acquired a regular house guest through circumstance. Family member needs/wants to be local a couple of days a week, they live about an hour away. Should have been fairly short term (several weeks, maybe a couple of months) but seems to have turned into a more permanent arrangement.

Whilst in theory I don’t really have an issue with someone crashing one night a week on a short/medium term basis, what I object to is that they are now turning up with about an hour’s notice, on random days of the week, at any time between 4-9pm.

Both DH and I work and have a 4yo DS and this isn’t always convenient or sometimes you just don’t want company (long day etc).

When they stay it’s on the sofa, in the lounge, so we basically have to go to bed early. they want dinner. I meal plan and often it’s a ball ache trying to sort out dinner because what we might be having that day isn’t always possible to stretch out to an extra portion.

AIBU to point out that this isn’t a hotel? That we need to know in advance when they are coming? E.g date and rough times. That it’s just not really convenient for it to be every week for an unspecified length of time? And most importantly that they need to actually ASK.

I’m not always the most sociable person TBH and sometimes you just want to veg out on your own sofa and not talk to anyone. But at the moment I’m feeling a bit like my personal space has been invaded and like my downtime has been violated. DH says chill out, it’s bit going to be forever, but I just feel like they are taking the royal piss by assuming they can just stay with no prior agreement/arrangement.

Turning up unannounced and impacting your family life really isn’t on and MIL must know this.

Saying that sleeping on your sofa when her bed is only an hour away seems strange. Surely if everything was ok she’d rather be in her own bed??

Could you set a ground rule about notice? It sounds like you don’t mind her staying so much but want to know in advance and have the opportunity to say it isn’t convenient.

Set a rule of 48 hours notice or however long would help with the practical issues of food, etc. That way you aren’t telling her she isn’t welcome or having your DH upsetting her but just gently making it work a bit better. Sometimes if you let things like this go on, it leads to a massive blow up when you just can’t cope anymore. Best handled quickly and kindly,

Exactly basin, I don’t know many people who would object to this on a very occasional basis but every week is far too much .

Why don't you just talk to her, and tell her all the things you've shared with us? It's not unreasonable to want a bit of notice before a visitor turns up, it's not unreasonable to want to plan your food for the week, it's not unreasonable to want a bit of privacy now and again. Tell her.

Start off by dropping into conversation about whatever she is supposed to have finished in 1 month but is now dragging on to 3 and possibly more months. "Oh goodness, Jane, is that still going on? Haven't they sorted out X for you yet? Have they given you any reason why they are dragging their heels on it? This must be very frustrating for you not knowing when X will be finished? Is there anything that DH or I can do to help speed it up for you?" or similar. It shows that you've noticed that it's not being sorted quickly and she now knows you've spotted this too.
Then you could move on to "You must find it awfully uncomfortable being on our sofa so often" (subtle as a tonne of bricks but might just do the trick). I believe that they're doing a deal in X hotel/b&b down the road if you'd prefer a bed. Unfortunately we can't give you our bed as the couch doesn't sleep 2" (tinkly laugh).
I agree with getting ready meals and just keeping them handy. You enjoy your salmon cutlets and she'll have to do with frozen spag bol if she is to stay for dinner.
If she is sharp, she'll get your meaning and stop staying over so often (you hope).

I’m just feeling so irritated by this at the moment I don’t think I can broach it with her just yet. I know I need to

I think you have to talk to her plainly. Let's face it, she's not all that "lovely" (or else she has the hide of a rhino) if she has regularly turned up to witness you trying to make two salmon fillets feed three, or whatever, followed by having to go to bed early and vacate the sofa. The vast majority of people would twig that it is a bit inconvenient to have a regular house guest on your sofa and that you are not the type of family with a massive chest freezer full of random nosh to heat up!

I have this a bit with my MIL. She wouldn't turn up with no notice, but she does keep more or less open house herself and has in the past got miffed when they've turned up unexpectedly at a meal time and we haven't had anything much to give them. She and FIL also think it is reasonable to stay over till Monday morning when they come for a weekend, which really annoys me as I need to leave for work at 7.15am and it's distracting having to step over extra stuff and not to be able to get the house straight before a week at work.

I think you are going to have to assert yourself here for the sake of your longer term relationship.

I do think that retired people sometimes forget (or maybe never knew in the first place) what it is like having guests when you are working and have young DC.

It could potentially go on for a few more months I think.

You only have 3 options;

1. Say nothing and sit it out
2. Tell her
3. Use her as a babysitter, and go out with your dh every time.

I meant to add, I stayed with BIL a few times some years ago when I had to travel to his area for work. But, I took my own food, he had a spare room, I checked in advance if it was convenient and once it became a regular thing I got a Travelodge instead...as most people would!

@arethereanyleftatall
Perfect post.
Say something, or don't...

". Use her as a babysitter, and go out with your dh every time."
I would definitely do this if I thought of it!!!!

Just make it less comfortable for her
freezer meals if yours won't stretch
watch something late on TV
or, go to bed early, explaining you have an early start next morning, then clatter around at 5.45
run out of her favourite biscuits/coffee or whatever
and have the convo about why/how the task to be acheived is taking so long

This is ridiculous, and the thin end of the wedge if you allow it to continue. She may be MIL but she is a guest and shouldn't have keys.

She MUST know in advance what she's doing, enough to give you more notice at the very least, and how often has she provided food, bought a takeaway, said no it's fine I've eaten carry on?

She needs to make better arrangements. Ask you not expect you to be available. Change the locks, make your arrangements a week in advance and stick to it. She's not rushing things along because you're making it entirely too pleasant for her.

You may like your MIL now, big after 3 more months of this your relationship may be irreparably damaged. Acting now is the kindest thing for all involved.

Good luck.

Unless you absolutely can't cope with her coming you don't need to do anything as drastic as changing the locks as someone suggested. Just talk to her, point out you don't mind her staying now and again but could she give you a bit more notice.

Hmm, yes the instant babysitter suggestion has merits if your DS enjoys her visits (is she actually coming to see DS rather than you guys, I wonder?)

YANBU
It's your house and no matter who it is, you need to take control before they do

God that's really awkward. It has potential to cause huge hurt, but I'd have it too. I can't believe she is so socially unaware and why if it's only an extra 30 mins journey she can't just go home

I think your husband just needs to say to her, "look mum can you give us some notice, so at the beginning of each week let us know when youre coming that week and stick to it, sometimes we have coupley things planned and obviously food needs to be sorted" and see what she says.

It's lovely that you care about her and have been so welcoming. I'm sure you can make some changes so it's less of a burden for you, without upsetting her. Could she stay in the children's room, as @expatinscotland suggested? I'd say "MIL, we need to keep the lounge as a family room, so I'm putting you in with the kids." And maybe "I get really drained in the evenings and I need to be able to plan ahead, so I can make sure I have enough energy left to have visitors as well as being able to feed you."
If MIL is an extrovert type who gets energised by being with other people, she may not realise that you recharge your batteries in a different way.
Kudos to you for being kind to her. Now my oldest is an adult I expect I'll be a MIL one day, and I'd hope for a lovely, forgiving DIL who could let me know in a kind way how we could best get along.

Most annoying. I'd definitely go with the planning food angle. So I'd say something along the lines of "MIL could you let us know on a Sunday when you're expecting to come this week, so I can plan meals?"

Then if she hums and haws about not being able to say because of X reason to do with things out of control on her project/relying on other people's schedules (I am imagining a house renovation project or similar), then you can say "Well, it has been going on for such a long time now I think you need to put your foot down with them because it is getting to be a bit inconvenient, isn't it? [Paddington stare]"

And definitely ask her in advance to pin her down for some babysitting.

Your situation would drive me properly crackers.

Greatduckcookery, it was me saying change locks and in retrospect you're right, it's a bit drastic! But it came off the back of MY Mil once having keys to our home and she let herself in. Even if we were expecting her, she wouldn't knock, she NEVER knocked, because she said why bother us when she had keys. She did it when she was expected and, worse, when she wasn't expected.

Guess who no longer has keys.

My bad OP, knee jerk reaction based on own experiences.

If you haven't enough food (if it's portioned stuff like your salmon fillets) either do what others have suggested and give her a tin of beans, or make a HUGE show of giving her YOUR dinner and insisting that you will be fine with whatever plain thing you can dredge out of the fridge ("No - honestly. I LOVE raw carrot.") With a bit of luck she will be too embarrassed to put you out more than twice.

I would also sit in the living room in a tee-shirt and knickers and binge-watch Netflix until the early hours. Eat something smelly (eg onion sandwiches*) as you do so, - you've had no tea, so you're bound to be starving.

*pot noodles smell pretty vile, too, but they taste equally horrible. Of course, you could just make a pot noodle and leave it to ponk her "bedroom" out.

Please don’t wait until your resentment and her entitlement grows any further. Then you’re looking at seriously hurt feelings (both of you) and potential long term estrangements.

Do it now, while you’re not toooo cross and you’ll be able to correct the bits you don’t like (the food thing, the notice thing) while keeping a good relationship.

Good, honest communication with her shows your character. Waiting and not putting gentle boundaries in only shows you believe in magic (not in a good way).

If it were me, I’d phone her at her house every Tuesday morning and ask for her week’s plans. If she prevaricated, I’d say the ‘ok, well I’ll talk to you next Tuesday. I’ll be doing the shop today, and we may have dinner guests or sofa/couple time to lock in. We love to see you, but we have to know on tuesdays so we can plan our week.’

Then if she still turns up, I’d hold the door, look very and say ‘sorry, I thought on Tuesday you said you couldn’t confirm about this week? We just can’t put you up tonight on no notice. Family plans. I’ll call you on Tuesday about next week?’

Good luck

I think your husband just needs to say to her, "look mum can you give us some notice, so at the beginning of each week let us know when youre coming that week and stick to it, sometimes we have coupley things planned and obviously food needs to be sorted" and see what she says.

Bluntness is the voice of reason. If things go on as they are, you will become increasingly resentful and will end up losing your temper with her. Things may well become irreparable if that happens.

Change your lock under some kind of pretence then don't give her a key. How comes she has a key to your house anyway? I feel for you - I love having guests, but also have anti social tendencies so someone turning up unannounced would make me very unhappy!