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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is taking the piss a bit?

137 replies

BasinHaircut · 10/04/2018 20:24

We seem to have acquired a regular house guest through circumstance. Family member needs/wants to be local a couple of days a week, they live about an hour away. Should have been fairly short term (several weeks, maybe a couple of months) but seems to have turned into a more permanent arrangement.

Whilst in theory I don’t really have an issue with someone crashing one night a week on a short/medium term basis, what I object to is that they are now turning up with about an hour’s notice, on random days of the week, at any time between 4-9pm.

Both DH and I work and have a 4yo DS and this isn’t always convenient or sometimes you just don’t want company (long day etc).

When they stay it’s on the sofa, in the lounge, so we basically have to go to bed early. they want dinner. I meal plan and often it’s a ball ache trying to sort out dinner because what we might be having that day isn’t always possible to stretch out to an extra portion.

AIBU to point out that this isn’t a hotel? That we need to know in advance when they are coming? E.g date and rough times. That it’s just not really convenient for it to be every week for an unspecified length of time? And most importantly that they need to actually ASK.

I’m not always the most sociable person TBH and sometimes you just want to veg out on your own sofa and not talk to anyone. But at the moment I’m feeling a bit like my personal space has been invaded and like my downtime has been violated. DH says chill out, it’s bit going to be forever, but I just feel like they are taking the royal piss by assuming they can just stay with no prior agreement/arrangement.

OP posts:
louharrisismyhero · 10/04/2018 21:12

several options here:

1 move out yourself. make yourself scarce. make the point to your DH that you're being chased out of what should be your private space to relax and unwind. if you can't get that at home, time for a hotel/friend's/volunteer for every work trip going.

2 tell your DH to deal with the problem. as is often said here, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem. he's allowing his own wife to feel pushed out and suffocated in her own home, FGS. don't worry about him being too blunt, why are you worried about this - it's between him and his mother to sort out.

3 say nothing and accept this is your life for ?? much longer.

bimbobaggins · 10/04/2018 21:12

It doesn’t sound as though anything will change then. If anything it will probably get more frequent.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/04/2018 21:13

Get DH to talk to her. She needs to be giving you enough notice just in case it's not convenient.

EggysMom · 10/04/2018 21:13

Firstly, change your locks! You could always make out as though you've lost a key. That can then lead into a conversation about how she will need to let you know when she's coming over in future. That can lead to a discussion about needing to fit around your own routine and your meal planning. Which can ultimately lead to making her feel just a little less comfortable about coming, and hopefully make her 'turn up' less often.

Or let DH be blunt. She'll be his problem, not yours!

If she's retired, why does she keep coming over to stay with no notice? When I read your OP I thought it was somebody who worked one day per week in your local area.

StripyHorse · 10/04/2018 21:17

BasinHaircut that may be your answer.... full on Harry met Sally type performance every time she stays. It might be enough for her to drive home.😉

emsyj37 · 10/04/2018 21:18

Gosh some of these comments are really harsh. Change the locks?? Be blunt??? I really actively dislike my MIL but I would not treat her like that!

Appuskidu · 10/04/2018 21:19

I’d ask her when the reason for this travel would be coming to an end.

I wouldn’t stretch dinner to feed her-I’d say: oh, sorry, I had no idea you were coming. My budget can’t cope with feeding extras’.

That is so cheeky!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 10/04/2018 21:19

Can you speak to her yourself, somehow take back the key, maybe give a fake reason. Even though she is nice, she is still taking advantage, and it's not on. If necessary, let your DH speak to her, but it needs to stop. You are not a hotel.

bimbobaggins · 10/04/2018 21:20

emsy why is it mean?
The op clearly doesn’t like it. The mil is turning up unnaunounced, uninvited plus expecting to be fed. The op feels her time is violated and her space is being invaded In her own home.
She’s not the one being mean.

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 10/04/2018 21:21

Grin stripy

The dinner thing is not a budget issue, just a practical one (ie can’t feed 3 people with 2 salmon fillet or similar). If I knew she was going no to be there that day I’d have 3.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 10/04/2018 21:25

Didn’t even read your post in full . No disrespect . But hell to the nooo

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/04/2018 21:26

On the flip side OP sounds like MIL really likes you and feels comfortable with you, which I know doesn't help your situation but it's quite a nice thing too.

How long is it likely to go on for?

MrsSiba · 10/04/2018 21:26

Could you make it less comfortable for her if DH won't talk to her ? Stay up if you are not ready to go to bed, up early to catch up on your Eastenders regardless of whether she is awake or not. Maybe she will take the hint?

Or try talking to get yourself? You say you get on well. ....tactfully suggest it has been a few weeks now and could she give some advance notice?

Accountant222 · 10/04/2018 21:26

That would drive me insane!

StripyHorse · 10/04/2018 21:27

Is the biggest issue the fact she is staying or the fact it is now unannounced. If it's the latter I would tactfully broach it and explain it is helpful to know in advance so you can meal plan and plan your evenings.

caliroll · 10/04/2018 21:29

Why can't you be honest and ask for the key back? - Before it all comes to a head and you have an almighty humdinger of a row like my SIL did with MIL (not her mother) for descending 3 weeks in a row to stay in their 1 bed London flat (staying on the sofa bed) in order to see some shows/art exhibitions. SIL was not happy having to step over MIL in the mornings when she had to get up to go to work. The spare key was demanded back and MIL was shown the door!

Iloveacurry · 10/04/2018 21:29

Just get your DH to deal with her. It’s his mother! If she turns up with no notice, and you’re just serving dinner, well obviously she just have to have something else. Beans on toast for example. You’re not a restaurant.

EasterBunBun · 10/04/2018 21:29

Ooh, bit of a delicate one, as it is your MIL. Can absolutely see why it is irksome for you and you have every right to want your privacy back. Its one thing to be helpful for a short time but it sounds as if the loose arrangement has drifted and taken on a momentum of its own, which is tricky. Maybe she thinks that this is fine as no one is saying any different. . Is there actually a prospect of this need winding up in the foreseeable future ? Think DH is going to have to clarify this.

OohMavis · 10/04/2018 21:31

Cheeky cah could at least bring her own dinner on the nights she turns up unannounced, or get a takeaway for you all! Yanbu.

Ohyesiam · 10/04/2018 21:32

Absolutely say what you need here.
“
I don’t need you stop coming mil, but I need to be able to plan, and to know what my evening will look like. So let’s say a weeks notice of day and time? “

And that is really generous.

emsyj37 · 10/04/2018 21:32

Because she's OP's DH's mother. She is close family. I would happily rock up at my mum's house and inconvenience her and expect to be fed if necessary, no questions asked- and would expect to offer the same to my own family. Maybe that's weird. I wouldn't want to be the sort of person who would tell a close family member that they weren't welcome in my home without X days notice or that I wasn't willing to offer them a meal. She wants to visit, clearly - I note the OP hasn't answered the question about whether she might just be a bit lonely, which is sad.

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 10/04/2018 21:38

emsy she has a partner at home (also retired) it’s not a lonely thing.

Without wanting to be intentionally cryptic, but I think the specific reason would be outing, the reason she is staying is something that could have been wrapped up in less than a month, but we are now in month 3. MIL isn’t in complete control of how long this will go on for but she she has some influence and isn’t in a hurry clearly.

OP posts:
Inertia · 10/04/2018 21:39

Ooh, awkward and annoying. Sounds like she sees it as a social visit - can't be any harder to get home, surely?

Unless there are extenuating circumstances such as her having medical treatment somewhere local to you and she shouldn't be alone afterwards, it does sound like she's treating your home as an extension of her own.

You do need to say something along the lines of needing more notice. Rather than going to the shops for a replanned dinner,I would keep a stock of something dull but non-perishable and served that for dinner each time- beans on toast, or tinned soup.

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 10/04/2018 21:40

I am happy for anyone I care about to rock up and be fed and given a bed if they need it AS A ONE OFF, but not whenever they feel like it.

OP posts:
emsyj37 · 10/04/2018 21:44

Well then you can tell her if you want, and ask her not to come any more, but then you have to accept that she may well be very hurt and so may your DH. Is it important enough to cause bad feeling?

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