Leaving a child home alone

[Namechangegames]

How old would your child need to be before you'd leave them home alone in the holidays in the following circumstances... The shift including travel time is 12hrs, an elderly neighbour would happily be on call for emergencies, as would a grandparent that's 10 min drive away. Parent leaves at 7am, home by 7pm. Child not likely to get out of bed until after 12md. Very sensible child, not allowed to open the door to anyone or use heat for food (toaster etc) lots of cereals and sandwiches available

I work 12 hour shifts too, so out of the house for 14 hours or so.

On school days 13 yr old DS is up and sitting having his breakfast as I leave at 6am so that I know he's up. He's then got just over an hour to get ready to leave in time for the school bus. He then gets off the bus at my parent's on his way home from school and they keep him company/feed him/point him in the right direction for his activities until I collect him on my way home at about 8pm.

If I'm working when he's off school I leave him in bed and let him do his own thing for the morning then he gets the bus down to his grandparent's during the afternoon. The rules are that he needs to eat (he can cook or use his pocket money to buy something), he needs to feed our 2 pets, lock the front door and triple check it and not leave the house looking like we've been burgled. He would be ok on his own for all of that time but I know that he would get lonely.

Sometimes they can be perfectly able to be left but basic human interaction is vital in keeping teenagers from retreating to their bedrooms on a permanent basis and painting their wall black.

Have you asked your DD how she feels about being alone for so long? You may get the standard eye roll and grunt but it may make her think about the realities of having the day without some adult company.

Good luck - it's a leap of faith but needs must sometimes!

Just a thought, could you change your annual leave so instead of taking two solid weeks in the summer holidays, spread this over the four weeks you need to cover? That way, your DD wouldn't be at home for 12hrs every day for two weeks, but just a few days at a time, then you're home for a few days, then repeat?

Just thinking that if it was a bit boring, at least by spreading your leave out you could break it up a bit. You might also be able to have a friend of DD's to visit on one day you're home and then see if they'll have your DD one day when you're at work, just to break it up a bit.

Maybe you could do a bit of both as a trial run for her. Agree a couple of days at home and three days of childcare. If she is ok on her own then you can do a few more days over the summer holidays.

I agree that whire she might be okay to spend the time alone she could get very bored and lonely on her own. How many days a week would you be working?

When I was a kid my dad was a gambling addict and used to leave me at home for hours a day from 6 onwards. In secondary he wasn't often there when I came home from school and would come home anywhere from 5-midnight. I hated it. I was scared. But it was the time of no mobile phones I guess so I thought the worst.

I do think 12 is too young. Would they cope in an emergency? I know you say they are sensible, but would they cope emotionally? Does your daughter have any anxiety traits? What if they injured themselves and were unable to reach a phone? 12 hours is a long time in that situation.

OP I am a single parent too and sometimes leave ds1 aged 13 from 8am-6pm. Has happened about 4 times I think. Ds2 and 3 go to childcare in the holidays as they are primary aged but there is literally nothing around here that accepts kids in ds1's age group that he could go to (would involve a car journey home afterwards and I work an hour away so couldn't just nip out from work and do it)

For ds1 and I it is not ideal. But my family needs to eat and be clothed and housed and everything else- I need to work. I take as much time off as I possibly can but when there is only one parent it is impossible to field all school holidays. I can understand posters saying that its unfair etc etc and i agree that its not perfect but sometimes priority is putting food on the table and ds1 gets this. We do something special when I am next at home or at the weekend if he's had a day alone.

I'm intrigued what PP suggest OP should do in terms of stepping up or possible solutions?

Around here there are holiday clubs for primary aged, which IIRC is year 6 so 11 years old. At 12 there is nothing so I just assume that many high school kids are left home unsupervised whilst their parents work. It's a big ask for someone to have them everyday, as OP has said her DC grandparent/s is 10 mins away and neighbours are aware and around but grandparent works from home so can't just pop around to take DC out or spend hours keeping DC company, surely neighbour won't be in all 12 hours everyday.

My DM was a SAMP or worked nights so we always had someone at home. It was really really rare for me to come home to an empty house right until I moved out. But this was because they were able to do this, many can't. I don't see what a solution would be. Maybe more areas having a come and go teen/preteen holiday club or something? Could be a good business idea for someone!

12 or 13 . As you say they are unlikely to get up until late . A teenager on their own can feel lonely though . Maybe give them some chores to do

send to grandparent

Have just asked my DD(posted earlier left for 12 hrs 4 days a week).
She says that she is OK on her own.In holidays she doesn't get up until late and she plays music and this week is catching up with homework and art coarse work that she couldn't do the first week as we went away.
She has managed this for almost 2 years, before that there was always someone home.At this age most of her friends parents are both working, it's not that unusual although the long shifts are.
I always leave some chores to do the incase she's bored,some still need doing.
She is a good cook but lazy so I leave easy to heat things in a drawer of the freezer.She made herself some couscous yesterday and had home made wedges with scampi today.And a few other things,the fridge is very empty.
I feel for you OP,we were very rural until me and exh split,we are within a short walking distance of town and her school now which helps but because of where we are most of her friends are not on any transport routes and we have only a limited bus service.So even though she could go out she chooses to stay at home.Mobile phones are a god send and although she knows I cannot answer messages immediately she also know in an emergency to phone my work phone.
Your DC will be fine,just need a bit more attention when you get home but my DD feels most chuffed when she has started to prep our meal before I get home .

I'm intrigued what PP suggest OP should do in terms of stepping up or possible solutions?

What every other parent of an 11/12 year old that is too old for holiday clubs and too young to be left does?

e.g.

• pay for childcare (childminder or local "babysitter" to pop in),
• send to extended family for a few days
• send on an activity week that does cater for older children
• coordinate with DC's friends' parents
• enable DC to meet friends/get out of the house for some all of the time
• arrange leave strategically to minimise long periods of alone time

Most people are not saying don't leave the DC - they are saying that several days back to back of 12 hour days, effectively trapped in the house is going to be very hard on her (and not an ideal way for a 12 year old to spend a week even if she is perfectly happy to be left).

I have to leave my dd who is 14 for my shifts which are 8.30-6....it is a long day but she has netflix etc so is quite happy...there is no way she would go to childcare and i wouldnt be able to afford it anyway...im a lone parent so you do what you have to do.

Are they allowed to go out? How many times will this be happening as it sounds very dull.

My dd is 11 and going to high school in September. There's no way that I would be happy to leave her alone for any length of time except to nip next door for ten minutes. She'll be 12 in 8 months but I can't see me changing my view too much in that time. At most she'll be in her own for an hour after school whilst I get her siblings from school. I'm happy for her to use the toaster, kettle and microwave. She knows not to open the door to anyone, knows how to dial 999 but is not what I'd consider sensible. She'd go stir crazy for 12 hours on her own.
I'm amazed a 12 year old wouldn't get up until midday. My dd is up by 8am at the latest.
It's not fair on your elderly neighbour to have responsibility and a ten minute drive is quite a long way if there's an emergency a lot can happen in 10 minutes.
I'm aware there's no law on this but I'd consider it neglectful to leave a child of 12 alone for 12 hours especially with no access to a proper meal. What time would they get to eat dinner? Totally unfair on the child and I'm sure social services would be very interested if anyone reported the situation.

Ive got a DS15 and there is no way I'd leave him home alone for that length of time.

Maybe as a one off, as in an emergency I'd do it for one day but I'd be on pins.

Setting aside the fact that I'd come back to no food in the house, all lights blazing, heating on full blast and he'd still be in his pyjamas having binged on Netflix (and food) I'd just be plagued with all the "what if" scenarios.

As others have said every day for four weeks would be pretty lonely..and boring.

A very respectable friend of mine got reported by a neighbour to SS for a similar arrangement. Nothing ended up coming of it but that knock on her door still haunts her.

That's ridiculous Crazy. Same age?

I think we can already trust them when they are 10 years old. We also need to instruct them properly when we leave home. Just to be safe :)

I think it depends on the child and not just the age. My son is 13 and I would happily leave him in the situation you have set up (person nearby ect) however my nephew is the same age and there's no way I would leave him- super clumsy, needs assistance to make toast ect. I would just do what everyone suggests and do a trial run to see how you feel about it.

I did this from 11, and by 12 would pretty much expect it.

Some of the replies here really sorry me- that they wouldn't consider leaving their 14/15 year old for 12 hours. Really?? By 16 they could have moved out and had a baby if they really wanted to! DD is 14, and if I told her in the school holidays that I had to work so she had to go to grandparents to babysit, she would laugh at me- she's at the age where she is wanting to baby sit others! I come into contact with university students at work, and this thread shows why some of them are like overgrown 10 year olds when they move into accommodation, instead of young adults.

OP, if you're happy that your child is sensible and happy, then do it. You've put precautions in place, make sure she has grandparents number for emergencies and let her get on with it. If she's anything like mine, she'll lay in bed til lunch, eat cereal, watch YouTube and facetime friends- all the stuff she can't do when I'm around- she'll love it 😊

I've just seen no access to a proper meal. What do you class cereal for breakfast and sandwiches for lunch as? That's a standard daytime of meals for the majority of the country, with a hot meal for dinner, isn't it?

They'd be on their own 7am till 7pm that's a long time with just cereal and sandwiches
Big difference between a 12 yo and a 13/14 yo.
My dd is 11 in year 7. A year ago in year 6 I wouldn't have left her for more than a five minute nip to the local shop I now happily leave her for a couple of hours- a year or two makes a big difference for kids and I would think year 9 they're ok home alone but younger needs a shorter day or more adult input

These threads always bring out one or two who are ridiculously over protective ... Most people on this thread seem pretty balanced though. Sometimes you get people claiming that they wouldn't leave NT 17 year olds, although they might of course be trolls...

I must say the being on pins leaving a 15 year old and phoning hourly also seems a bit hysterical. I used to babysit for four kids between 1 and 7 when I was 15, including putting them to bed... Usually for a good 8 hours - the parents would go for an early meal then theatre then after theatre late bar... Nobody checked up on me.

My 12 year old is home alone for 4 hours on days I have college, and 2.5 hours on work days. She WhatsApps to say she's home, but no contact beyond that is compulsory. If she's "off colour" (sore throat or something, not fever or vomiting) she stays home alone if ill, which is usually about 7 hours. She usually does message, often with DH who has a more flexible job and can "chat", but not to "check in".

I leave my 10 year old for up to 2 hours and 7 year old for up to half an hour. They are very well versed in what to do in emergency scenarios, who to go to if they if they need help, and in using the landline to call me, DH, two neighbors or their grandad (who is an hour away but nearly always home and would advise or find other ways of contacting help as appropriate). They also know how to call the emergency services. Before someone gets hysterical about social services this is considered absolutely appropriate and responsible where we live - responsibility and independence built up gradually, starting just before age 6. All kids get themselves to school on foot or by bus from 6 without parents.

Not leaving an 11 year old for more than 5 minutes doesn't sound responsible to me, kids need to learn gradually.

Unless you live in a really dangerous area with very high crime especially break ins obviously.

I think 12 is fine. I was left alone all day in charge of my 6 year old brother at that age!

I would leave my 13 year old that long but I wouldnt before this age. Why cant the child spend some of the day with the grandparent from
when they are dressed and fed until the parent gets home.

I was left at 12 year old and I was fine.