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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving a child home alone

161 replies

Namechangegames · 10/04/2018 17:16

How old would your child need to be before you'd leave them home alone in the holidays in the following circumstances... The shift including travel time is 12hrs, an elderly neighbour would happily be on call for emergencies, as would a grandparent that's 10 min drive away. Parent leaves at 7am, home by 7pm. Child not likely to get out of bed until after 12md. Very sensible child, not allowed to open the door to anyone or use heat for food (toaster etc) lots of cereals and sandwiches available

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 11/04/2018 03:55

Same as Clara.
I have one DC left at home and have left him from year 9.its a very long day for you 12 year old to be alone. Friends parents are unlikely to want their child to visit as no supervision so what is she doing all day?

TeeBee · 11/04/2018 05:29

Oh, that's just too long I think. Very miserable to spend 12 hours alone. I wouldn't leave my 15-year old that long. 3-4 hours max. And definitely not my 12 year-old. Is there no holiday schemes you could send her to? If you really can't sort something out, can you send her to her GP's at a certain time so that there is at least some structure to the day?
I was assuming this was an absolute one/off, not a regular occurrence. If it is, I would definitely sort out a better plan.

swingofthings · 11/04/2018 06:32

Very interesting these comments about kids being bored. I assumed that too, with the guilt, but my kids told me that they really love it. No-one to be accountable to, being able to do what they want, they see it as a treat.

I too was left alone during the school holidays around that age and I too loved it, never felt bored or that I wish my mum was there instead. It was nice though when we also did things together.

adaline · 11/04/2018 07:26

Interesting that people think she'll be bored or lonely - I loved (and still love) being left alone all day!

I was left all day during the holidays from 12. Not for 12 hours, maybe from 9-5/6, and I loved it. I could see friends but more often than not I'd sunbathe in the garden, read, watch TV and sleep!

I find it odd that people wouldn't leave their 13/14/15yr olds longer than a couple of hours. That would have driven me crazy at that age - and how is it realistic? My parents worked full-time and summer camps/childcare was practically non-existent for teens when I grew up (I was 12 in 2002), unless it involved staying away from home for several nights.

Tumbleweed101 · 11/04/2018 07:30

I’ve been leaving my 12yo about 6hrs but she wants company again by then so likely wouldn’t leave her 12hrs just yet. Depends on the child though and how they feel and you feel about it. Would GP get her if she got fed up alone? If they would then that’s likely fine.

Caulk · 11/04/2018 07:35

I was regularly left for that long at that age. I used to worry that something would happen to my parents and they wouldn’t return. I remember being bored and lonely - fine for a few hours but after that I hated it and would eat as a comfort, which then developed into bulimia. I was also jealous of other people as I felt my parents didn’t love me enough to spend time with me.

Obviously that is at the extreme end of the scale, but it’s worth considering her emotional resilience to deal with that sort of plan.

littleducks · 11/04/2018 07:44

I leave mine for the day while I go to work (shorter days as no shifts). But will set up things for them to do so a friend to come over and then them go out together or a sports session for them to travel to and from. I only allow the very occasional sit out at home and watch too much screens day.

I bought dualit toaster cages to make using the toaster easier/safer as odd shaped items less likely to get stuck (for when kids started using toaster rather than for when they started to stay home iyswim).

RedSkyAtNight · 11/04/2018 08:02

Interesting that people think she'll be bored or lonely - I loved (and still love) being left alone all day!

I think it's the point that it's 7am-7pm every day and that OP's DD has no where to go and no one to see that is the issue. Yes, some people would love a day or so of this and some people would be fine with it all the time - and of course with the internet it's very easy to stay in contact with others ... but I think most people would want more human interaction and activity that this!

adaline · 11/04/2018 08:19

I think most people would want more human interaction and activity that this!

But she's asked to stay home all day! I loved my lazy summers at home barely speaking to anyone - I appreciate everyone is different but I think it's worth a shot. If the DD hates or is miserable then by all means find an alternative?

happymumof4crazykids · 11/04/2018 09:07

What else can you do? Around here there is no childcare provision past 11 years old. If you think your 12 year old is sensible enough then do it. My 14 and 12 year old would be fine. I'm lucky that I haven't had to leave them for long periods. I've know parents go on holidays and leave their 15/16 year olds for a week!

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2018 09:07

But the only other alternative is organised childcare, which she doesn't like.

Just because she's choosing to sleep for over half the day and stay home alone, with only cold food on offer, doesn't mean she won't be any less miserable or lonely.

Also, if she's sleeping that long in the day, she must be up alone in the early hours too.

Hopefully she and the OP can come up with a different alternative to the organised childcare, even on just a few days of the week.

Maryann1975 · 11/04/2018 09:18

My dd is just 12 and although she thinks she would like to be left alone all day, actually I know she would hate it. She is currently lazing in bed and given the choice she won’t get up until lunch time, but she has been down and had a chat while she got her breakfast, I’ve taken a pile of washing in and checked in with her and she will probably come down again in a bit for another drink (I suspect an excuse for a bit of contact). I wouldn’t want her to be left for 12 hours, it’s such a long time on your own. Could your neighbour cope with having her each day for an hour or so at lunch time to break her day up a bit, at least she could have something more exciting than a sandwich to eat and get a bit of human contact while she eats?

lunakitty2609 · 11/04/2018 11:16

My son is 12 and has been left alone at home for several hours. He loves to cook so I know he will happily and safely make himself fried eggs or bacon on toast. He is a very sensible/grown up 12 though. I think it depends on the child.

Pinkvoid · 11/04/2018 11:18

Agree with others, I wouldn’t leave a child alone for 12 hours that couldn’t be trusted with a toaster.

mummananna · 11/04/2018 12:19

What is your dd interested in? I am not working as a grandparent guardian and also I do work from home anyway but OH is retired. But my gd often goes to an amazing place called ArtShed and they do wraparound care. I agree with the points about not wanting to leave a 12 year old alone for that amount of time and also to be more assertive about organised childcare. Surely there is an activity such as art or sports that she is interested in and would be far more stimulating than staying in bed or watching TV plus you would be reassured that she is safe. Do Google all possible options for holiday care.

mummananna · 11/04/2018 12:22

I meant I don't go out to work and am semi retired as I do still work from home!

KatherinaMinola · 11/04/2018 14:12

I understand that she might not want to go to a childminder or holiday club at that age, but could you find a course that she could do for a week? Sports or art or whatever matches her interests.

I would leave a competent, mature 13yo alone for that length of time but only now and again - not for two whole weeks - and I think that 12 is too young.

If you can't find a scheme that interests her then I agree that asking GP to have her over for lunch every day is a plan. Perhaps GP can have her in the house each afternoon on the understanding that she's to amuse herself?

peanutbutterandbanana · 11/04/2018 14:38

Ultimately you need to make your own judgement as to how sensible your DD is. I left my 12 yo DD home alone whilst I was at work (but am only 10 mins drive away). I phoned her on the the hour every hour. And of course give her all the rules (eg no opening front door to anyone was one of my rules). But, I know of a girl local to me who was home alone and had the same instructions (don't open front door), so when the front door bell rang she stayed mute. Ten minutes later came downstairs and found a burglar smashing the back door down. She was terrified, of course. He had rung the doorbell to check if the house was empty. So now my instructions are to DD that she must open her bedroom window and call out 'who's there?' to let them know there are people in the house and tell the door-ringer that her mum is in the shower and then to call me immediately. Only you will know in your gut whether your DD is trustworthy. I'm sure the toaster would be fine for her to use - just give her instructions what to do if it does blow up - you'd be giving her life skills.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 11/04/2018 14:42

12 if a one off but not for multiple days

Don't think I would leave on a regular basis for that long til 13/14 but depends on the child of course

I leave mine at 13 & 15 for 8 hours for 2-3 days a week during school hols. I wouldn't want to leave them alone 5 days a week buy could I suppose if I had no choice.

Thebookswereherfriends · 11/04/2018 14:49

Could she go to the neighbours or gp for lunch each day? Just so that she has had some interaction and checking in with an adult. It seems like a long time for her to be left to her own devices.

Thirtyrock39 · 11/04/2018 14:53

Not having hot food for 12 hours would bother me as an adult so wouldn't be very nice for a kid and it sounds as if she's expected to stay in all day - So probably watching tv or on a screen till 7pm doesn't sound the best use of a holiday for a child

fences · 11/04/2018 16:19

Your 12 year old seriously wouldn't wake until after midday?

DS1 is nearly 12 (year7) and I'd leave him for 2 hours max.

12 hours I'd want them to be about 15 I think.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 11/04/2018 16:28

I agree that the boredom/loneliness is definitely dependent on the child. I would have loved being alone all day and would have happily read for hours on end, watched a film etc. Although I think doing this all day everyday for more than a few days would be too much. Some more extroverted children would probably feel terribly bored and lonely after just one day though.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 11/04/2018 16:30

I also think it's unfair to that they won't be able to have a decent meal for that long or leave the house to be honest. I think I'd try to make an arrangement with grandparents or a friend's parents.

Sweetheart · 11/04/2018 16:42

My ds is 12 - I work in a 9-5 Mon-Fri type job which is about 2 miles from our home.

We have left him home in the holidays since he started senior school. He has similar instructions.....don't answer the door / phone, don't use oven / kettle etc. I call him roughly every hour to check on him. Again all this is in place to limit the chances of emergencies happening - NOT because he can't make himself something to eat or a drink.

It's not something I am entirely comfortable with even though I can pop home at lunch if needed. I try and limit it to 2 consecutive days in the holidays and then a day where either myself or dh has a day off or I will organise an activity with friends for him - swimming or cinema etc

For me 12 hours a day totally alone would be too much......and I think I'm a fairly relaxed parent when it comes to this kind of thing.