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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving a child home alone

161 replies

Namechangegames · 10/04/2018 17:16

How old would your child need to be before you'd leave them home alone in the holidays in the following circumstances... The shift including travel time is 12hrs, an elderly neighbour would happily be on call for emergencies, as would a grandparent that's 10 min drive away. Parent leaves at 7am, home by 7pm. Child not likely to get out of bed until after 12md. Very sensible child, not allowed to open the door to anyone or use heat for food (toaster etc) lots of cereals and sandwiches available

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 10/04/2018 19:23

I totally get your logic. My teens are excellent cooks but I prefer them not to cook when I'm out. I think if she's happy to be left and you're happy to leave her, 12 is fine.

MyDcAreMarvel · 10/04/2018 19:32

You are not stepping up at all” , pay for kings camp or similar childcare. Your dd may like the idea of being alone, but 12 hours is too long.

TattyTShirt · 10/04/2018 19:38

I think your dd has people to turn to if needed. I agree about not allowing her use the toaster or oven. She will be in bed until lunchtime if she's a typical teen.

Sandwiches, a microwavable meal or pizza delivery will be fine for a day here and there.

If she's anything like mine were at that age she will watch a DVD or two, spend an hour in the shower, loll about and message friends. She will probably get herself dressed 5 mins before you walk through the door.

My dc's loved having a day on their own from around 13. I can totally understand why you don't want dd using the toaster. It's not that she can't. It's more that if the toaster was going to go up in smoke it will be when you are not there.

If dd wants to stay home give it a try. She has people to go to if she needs to. Good Luck

Charley50 · 10/04/2018 19:39

My DS, since aged 13, has loved being left alone at home.
I think it's fine in theory, but could she spend the afternoons at the GPs? And maybe in the summer go to a camp for a week?

TotHappy · 10/04/2018 19:41

I might be more worried if she was 16... At 16 I told my parents I was going to s friends 5 miles away or a night and instead travelled 5 hours to meet a boy I'd met online, shag then come back to take emergency contraception Hmm At 12 she's probably more sensible and you say you trust her.
If she wants to be home alone instead of childcare, let her. 5 days at half term? I'd try to organise an activity with friend coming ver or going out one or two of the day, but hanging round the house is alright, if that's what she wants.

RainbowGlitterFairy · 10/04/2018 19:42

For one shift I think a very sensible 12 year old would be ok, but if you are talking about doing it often or a few days in a row I think it would be too much because the novelty would wear off and she'd be bored and lonely (which is when my 13 year old would be likely to start being less sensible)

Charley50 · 10/04/2018 19:43

What I meant was I think it's fine if that's what she wants to do, but if it's over many days, she could sometimes go to GP or a friend, or a camp in the summer.

PoppyCracker · 10/04/2018 19:46

She is perfectly old enough to be left alone for that length of time. Why does everyone mollycoddle their kids so much. She'll probably have a ball. If she can call 999 if needed and know how NOT to set the house on fire, or what to do if she does, why is it even a question?

Holidayaddict · 10/04/2018 19:47

I sometimes leave my 14 & 11 year old from approx 8.45-6.00 to work locally (I can be home in 10mins). 14 year old is HF ASD, so normal iq and capable of basic catering (cheese on toast, soup, pasta etc). No worries about him burning the house down - electrical safety is one of his obsessions and he's always lecturing me about unsafe practice - I'm more likely to burn the house down tbh Grin. Wouldn't leave 11 year old alone for that long without DS, she's not the most sensible but would leave her for a couple of hours. DH & I have started leaving both for 2-3 hours occasionally to go to a local restaurant/pub - it's liberating!

I'd worry more about a child over 12 being bored/lonely which is why I only do it ad hoc and not for the entire school holidays.

BrownTurkey · 10/04/2018 19:50

Would grandparent come round for an hour at five?

I think you could try it.

You can’t remove or prepare for all risks - so partly it will be a learning curve figuring out what to do about what arises. I dislike telling my dc not to answer the door, so I let them decide if they want to or not, generally it is a parcel and they sign for it and hopefully won’t grow up fearful of answering the door. And one of the nice things about being home alone is making cheese on toast or whatever you fancy.

0to3sadonions · 10/04/2018 19:50

My dc are 13 and 14 now but have been staying home on the holidays for up to 10 hours since they were 11. There’s no childcare for 11+ so as a single parent my choice was to either leave them or give up my job. Luckily they are both sensible and are more mature for it.

RavenLG · 10/04/2018 19:52

I probably got left for that long at that age. Maybe 13.

Parents struggled to make ends meet and worked all hours of the day so through school holidays I would often be left to my own devices. GP who lived around the corner would pop in through the day every now and again.

Of course when I was 14 I was out the house from about 11am lol (holidays).

I would say, I was a very independent child. From that age I did my own washing, cooking, cleaning etc. (not forced just did it help out).

Iceweasel · 10/04/2018 19:52

Can she walk to the grandparent or the grandparent pick her up at midday? Even if the grandparent then needed to pop out and leave her for a couple of hours in the afternoon it would still break up the day and give her some company.

Could the grandparent take her to and pick her up from a holiday programme on some days?

rookiemere · 10/04/2018 20:03

It's such a tricky age - DS is the same - just turned 12 and refuses to go to holiday club - thankfully will still go to sports and football camp.

He's on his own after school when he gets the bus until we get back - we've rearranged our work hours ( lucky enough to be able to do so) so most days he's on his own for a max of 2 hrs.

I'm sorry but it does seem too long a day for her to be on her own - maybe as a one off, but not on an ongoing basis, I would have thought 13 or even 14 for that length of time. I think I'd be worried that if something happened to her you'd not know for the whole day and also seems a bit lonely.

Could she be convinced to go to the elderly neighbours for lunch - perhaps she could bring her lunch round, so at least you'd have a checkpoint at the middle of the day where the neighbour would alert you if she didn't appear. Or get the bus to the grandparents?

That1950sMum · 10/04/2018 20:09

Why does everyone mollycoddle their kids so much.

Good God. Setting the parenting bar pretty low to say that actually being in the same house as your child or arranging appropriate childcare is mollycoddling them!

dayinlifeof · 10/04/2018 21:27

Mine recently caught fire, not the toast, the element.

The element was what caught fire on ours as well, the toast was fine. I've never seen so much smoke - we ended up staying with family that night as the whole house was full of smoke, as DC1 has bad asthma it wasn't worth the risk.

TheyBuiltThePyramids · 10/04/2018 21:35

Mines in bed this week til 11 and I get home between 5 and 6. I hate leaving her that long, but she is fine. Last week she had a club, but this week actually wanted the down time. She's been working on a project for school. From a safetly point of view, I can't see a difference between 10 hours and 12. As long as they have a phone and know what to do in an emergency. I've been more anxious as next door got burgled a week or so back during the day,

nokidshere · 10/04/2018 22:27

I don't think I left mine for that long until they were about 14, although as I work from home I'm rarely away from the house that long anyway.

As a childminder I have had a variety of scenarios. One boy came to me until he was 15 because he really hated being home alone. He didn't stay around all day but I was his base. I have had others who do part days at home but come to mine for lunch and hang out mid afternoon usually around the age of 12/14. I have had others who stay home but use me as their point of contact and know they can call me or come to my house at any point.

I think a lot depends on your child and only you can make that judgement. I think I would be a bit nervous leaving a 12 yr old for that long but I also recognise that my own fears would play a part in that rather than them being incapable.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 11/04/2018 01:29

I work 4days and including travelling away for 12 hours since my ex and I split.This started when she was 12.5.
I hate it but she says it's ok.She knows I have to work.
She is reliable,we have gone through all possible disasters and what to do.She has a key but tends to stay at home(rural so rubbish transport).
Like others I would love not to have to do this but childcare doesn't really exist for this age group and we have to work to support ourselves.

NoSquirrels · 11/04/2018 01:52

If it's shifts it's just a (long) day here or there, I assume? I think in that case it'd be fine but you'd not want to do it much to start with. 12 hours alone is a long time.

I'd ask GP 10 minutes away if they'd pop over lunchtime/after lunch. That's basically the level of freedom we had (gran popping in at some point for a cuppa and a check up) and we were fine.

Most importantly, what does your DC think about it?

DownWithThatSortofTing · 11/04/2018 01:53

I thought no toaster because I know they're a massive fire risk

Since when?

Octave777 · 11/04/2018 02:10

I think it's a shame she won't be out and about with friends. In the summer in the nice weather it's a shame she'd be alone all day. I think that's the main thing rather than safety. I'd try and organise lots of things to do and ask someone to drop her off at friends ect. Being at home all day is very quiet even for ppl who like to be alone. Come 5pm she'll be needing a chat surely.

underneaththeash · 11/04/2018 02:11

I wouldn't leave my very sensible DS12 for that long, maybe half a day initially?

sleepylittlebunnies · 11/04/2018 03:08

Your DD sounds sensible so would likely be fine. I left my 10 year old to his own devises today for 6 hours, I was home but asleep in bed as on nights. I did breakfast and left him a sandwich in the fridge. He played with Lego, did some colouring, watched TV and played on his PS4. He’d probably be bored if it was every day especially for 12 hours but he loved it especially as his younger siblings weren’t here. If your DD does find it very boring could she go round to the elderly neighbour for tea and a chat. As a kid if I was locked out or bored there were several elderly neighbours I could call on and they were very happy to get the biscuit barrel out and tell me all about the old days.

Could her dad have her for a couple of days in half term? If he is fairly local could be pop in and take her out for a bit if his shifts allow?

Do any of her friends live close to her dads or grandparents so she could just use their homes as a base but wouldn’t be under their feet?

Just trying to come up with some ideas, even if just for every other day so she is able to go out and about a bit.

claraschu · 11/04/2018 03:17

I might leave her as a one-off, with an interesting plan for the day, but not regularly.

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